Christian Marriage – Page 8

My Brother in Christ –

I received an e-mail from your dear wife today.

She’s struggling, and she’s not quite sure how to communicate that struggle to you. She has tried to explain it to you in the past, but you either haven’t listened or haven’t done anything about it. And now she feels that if she brings it up again she’ll just make things worse. Or you’ve told her to stop nagging you. Or stop preaching at you.

She’s not nagging you or preaching at you. That’s not her heart. She’s trying to tell you she needs something from you that only you can provide, and that God says you should be providing. And while she’s praying fervently that God would move upon your heart, there should also be the understanding between husband and wife that if one of you needs something all you have to do is ask your spouse, and your spouse will do everything possible to provide it.

But you’re not doing that. And that’s why, in desperation, your wife wrote to me asking me what to do. And that’s why I’m writing to you to plead with you on her behalf…

Your wife needs you to grow up, spiritually, and lead your family biblically.

She has told me about the multiple, blatant examples of false doctrine in your church and how she wants the family to leave and find a doctrinally sound church. But you refuse because you like it there or you think objecting to false doctrine creates disunity in the church.

…or…

She has told me you refuse to stand up for what is right and godly at church, at work, with your friends, or with family members because it’s easier and you’re afraid of rocking the boat.

…or…

She has told me you won’t lead her and the children in prayer and the study of God’s Word because you don’t see it as important, or you don’t know how, or you’d rather watch TV.

…or…

She has told me how you frequently blow off attending church to play golf, fish, hunt, or pursue other hobbies.

…or…

She has told me that you use worldly standards for making decisions for the family rather than praying, searching the Scriptures, and using biblical wisdom.

…or…

She has told me that you put up a good Christian front at church, but at home, you’re foul-mouthed or lazy or greedy or lustful or dishonest or refuse to discipline the children.

Or…or…or…

I’ve heard so many of these types of scenarios of husbands neglecting or refusing to lead you’d think there was an epidemic of spiritual immaturity among Christian men. Perhaps there is.

Maybe it’s the result of the decades-long cultural attack on masculinity by virulent feminism. Maybe it’s a consequence of feel good, seeker-driven silliness, fun fun fun “church”. Finding the root cause could be an interesting academic exercise, but you don’t begin the arson investigation while your house is still burning. You put out the fire before it spreads. And you don’t ignore or get angry with the person pointing out the flames.

Brother, your wife isn’t upset with you for trying, failing, and having to try again. She’s upset with you for not trying.
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And that’s what’s at issue here. Let me be crystal clear about something: your wife isn’t upset with you for trying, failing, and having to try again. She’s upset with you for not trying. It’s not that you’re using the wrong color hose or that it takes you a minute to remember where the fire extinguisher is, it’s that you’re sitting in a lawn chair in the front yard denying that the house is on fire.

Your wife doesn’t expect you to lead your family perfectly. She wants you to *want to* and *try to*.
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Your wife doesn’t expect you to lead your family perfectly. She wants you to want to and try to. And, though you might be afraid to try because you think you’ll mess up and your wife will see you as a failure, you need to know that a wife who is godly enough to want her husband to be the spiritual leader of her home sees your attempts and desires to lead as success – even if the results aren’t perfect. You’re judging yourself on the outcome. She’s valuing your heart and your trajectory in the process.

Brother, you’re judging your leadership on the *outcome*. Your wife is valuing your heart and your trajectory in the *process*.
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Because when you try, it says something to her. It says, “I love God enough to obey Him, even when it’s hard or I don’t feel like it.” and “I love my wife enough to take the burden of leadership off of her and bear it myself.”

And when you don’t try, that communicates something too: “I care more about myself and what I want to do than caring for my wife’s needs and being obedient to what God has called me to do.”

When a husband abdicates biblical leadership, it nearly always backs his wife into a corner, pitting obedience to God against submission to, and peace with, her sinning husband.
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I think a lot of husbands don’t realize what an extremely difficult position they put their godly wives in when they abdicate biblical leadership. It nearly always backs her into a corner of pitting obedience to God against submission to, and peace with, her sinning husband.

❥ My husband refuses to leave this apostate church, but my children and I are being fed poison every week. Do I stay at this church with him or leave against his wishes?

❥ My husband won’t lead us in the study of God’s Word. Our children need to be taught the Scriptures. Do I step in even though it’s his responsibility and my taking over might further enable his sin?

❥ My husband makes decisions for our family based on pragmatism, even if those decisions conflict with Scripture. Should I take over family decision-making using biblical principles?

When you refuse to lead biblically, you’re sinning twice. First, by disobeying to God. Second, by becoming a stumbling block to your wife. No wife of a Christian husband should ever have to decide whether to obey God or her husband.
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Brother, when you refuse to lead biblically, you’re sinning twice. First, by disobedience to God. Second, by becoming a stumbling block to your wife. No wife of a Christian husband should ever be put in the position of having to decide, “We must obey God rather than men.” It creates a tremendous amount of stress, anxiety, instability, and uncertainty for her when you create a void of leadership by your disobedience.

I can’t build you into a spiritually mature, godly husband. Neither can your wife. And it’s not my job to instruct you in the Scriptures, either. But if, by seeing things from your wife’s perspective, the Holy Spirit is now convicting you that you haven’t been leading your family in a godly way, may I just throw out a few points you might decide to consider as you pray and study God’s Word in this area?

❥ Listen to your wife. Really listen. Ask her what she needs from you, generally, as the spiritual leader of your home, as well as in specific situations as they arise. Ask if she knows of any particular Scriptures that would be helpful to you as you study and pray over various circumstances. Ask for her input in solving problems and making decisions.

❥ Commit to praying and studying God’s Word as part of your daily schedule. Ask God to grow you in maturity and leadership. He is the only One who can change and strengthen your heart.

❥ If you think you might be spiritually immature, put everything frivolous aside, and make growing up your top priority. Pour yourself into the study of the Word, prayer, and serving and nurturing your wife and children.

❥ Make sure you’re in a doctrinally sound church (there are lots of tools to help you at the “Searching for a new church?” tab at the top of this page) and get plugged in. Lead your family in faithful attendance at worship and Sunday School. Take every opportunity to sit under solid preaching and teaching. Set a godly example by finding a place of service and committing to it wholeheartedly.

❥ Surround yourself with godly men in your church who will sharpen you, teach you, and disciple you.

❥ Consider setting up an appointment with your pastor for godly counsel, pointers, and good resources on growing in spiritual maturity and leading your family.

❥ Consume biblical media during the week. Ask those godly men at your church for suggestions of theologically meaty books and blogs to read and sermons and podcasts to listen to. (Until you get a chance to ask them, here are some suggestions {check the list of men}.)

I hope pulling back the curtain on the female perspective can serve as a helpful tool in your toolbox that you can use as you pursue Christ and seek to grow in spiritual maturity and biblical leadership. Brother, with God’s help and the empowering grace of the Holy Spirit, you can do this – so be encouraged, and don’t be afraid to try!

I’m rooting for you, and I know your wife is, too.

Mailbag

The Mailbag: I’m a female executive in the workplace. Is this OK with God?

April 23, 2018May 24, 2019 Michelle Lesley

Women executives and managers in the secular workplace…. I have been battling this and feel I should no longer have the position. My husband is not quite in agreement. I want to honour God. I have been in upper level management since I was 25 years old- 33 years…. About two years ago God started to deal with me here. I do not have a peace.

I’m a tad bit unclear on your question. I’m not sure whether you’re asking if you should be working outside the home at all or if you’re thinking you shouldn’t be working in an executive/management position because it places you in authority over men.

If it’s the former, the short answer is that God’s design is for a wife and mother’s primary focus to be caring for her family and her home. There are seasons in life (for example: before you have children, after they’re grown and have left the home, etc.) in which a woman can do that just fine while holding down a part-time or full-time job, and there are seasons in life in which working outside the home would cause a woman to neglect her primary responsibility of home and family (and sometimes there are emergency situations in which a woman has no choice but to work outside the home).

If your question is whether or not you should work at all, you and your husband will need to sit down, consider all the factors, pray over it, and try to reach a consensus. If you cannot, Scripture is clear that you are to submit to his final decision on the matter.

But I’m guessing your question is the latter: “Is it biblically permissible for a woman to hold a position of authority over men in the workplace?”

Technically, the answer to that question is yes. (Unless, of course, your workplace is a church and it’s a 1 Timothy 2:12 situation.) Scripture does not prohibit women from holding positions of secular authority over men in the workplace, politics, volunteer or civic positions, etc. What the Bible forbids is women preaching to, teaching Scripture to, and holding authority over men in the gathered body of Believers (the church). This command does not apply to non-church gatherings, events, or positions. (Click here for more detailed information.)

However, it’s a little more nuanced than a simple “yes, you can” or “no, you can’t”.

One of the reasons Scripture doesn’t address the issue of women holding positions of authority over men in the workplace is that this wasn’t an issue in the culture and time when Scripture was breathed out by God. Generally speaking, women of the Bible weren’t career women. At that time and in that culture, a woman’s “career” was wife and mother.

We do see women like the Proverbs 31 wife and Lydia earning money from their work, but it was an extension of their work in the home as wives and mothers (Also, in Lydia’s case, her work is mentioned before her conversion. We don’t know whether or not she continued her sales business after she got saved.) They weren’t leaving the home every day to go work in someone else’s business.

The point is, the mere fact Scripture doesn’t address a particular scenario doesn’t give us blanket permission to do whatever we want about it, nor does it mean the Bible blanketly prohibits something. We have to look further.

When Christians make decisions, we always make them by correctly handling and applying Scripture. The first thing we look at is clear cut commands and biblical principles. For example, if you were looking for a job and there was an opening for a stripper or an abortion doctor, or a job that required you to lie, or a job that said you couldn’t (even in your off time) read your Bible or share the gospel, you would know right off the bat that those jobs violate clear commands and principles of Scripture.

So the first thing you’ll want to do in your situation is sit down and think about any clear commands of Scripture or broader biblical principles that apply to your situation. Scripture does not prohibit you from working in a supervisory position over men, but it does command you to submit to your husband and to live peaceably with others (including him) as far as it depends on you.

If, “My husband is not quite in agreement,” means the two of you need to talk about this issue more, then by all means, keep discussing it until a decision is reached. (It might even be helpful to set up an appointment with your pastor for counseling.) But, if it means he has stated that he wants you to continue in your position (and your job does not cause or require you to sin), you need to respect and submit to his decision. You can certainly keep praying about the situation in your personal time with the Lord. You can also revisit the issue if the situation changes (ex: an opportunity to work from home arises, you’re offered a better job or early retirement, etc.). But today, joyfully and graciously submit to your husband.

The next thing Christians need to consider when making a decision is, “Is it wise? Is it helpful?” Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should.

“All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be dominated by anything. 1 Corinthians 6:12

“All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up. Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor. 1 Corinthians 10:23-24

Both of these verses are written in the context of setting aside your personal rights to do something non-sinful for Christ’s higher calling to serve or do good to your neighbor. And remember, your husband and family are your closest neighbors.

Ask yourself some probing questions. Will this non-sinful thing I want to do, and have a right to do, make it more difficult for me to share the gospel with someone? Is it best for my family? Will it be good in the short term, but detrimental in the long term? Is it wise stewardship of the blessings, resources, and positions of influence God has given me? Will it create unnecessary strife in my marriage? Could denying myself the right to do this thing be more impactful for the Kingdom than doing it?

Has the desire to do this non-sinful thing become an obsession you can’t let go of? Repent and determine in your heart not to be dominated by it.

One of the “wisdom questions” you and your husband might want to ponder in your situation is, “Is it difficult for me to transition from being the boss of men at work to submitting to a man at home?”. If your job is tempting you to sin against your husband or making it more difficult to obey Scripture’s command to submit to him, that’s a weighty factor to consider.

You might have noticed that I have not said anything about the necessity of “having a peace” about whatever decision you and/or your husband have reached. That’s because there’s nothing in the Bible about a peaceful easy feeling being a sign that you’ve made a godly decision. Feelings are subjective (and often deceitful and wicked). We can’t depend on them to lead us in a godly direction. Scripture is objective. We can always depend on Scripture to steer us right, regardless of our feelings.

So dig through Scripture with your husband, pray together about the situation, get some wise counsel from your pastor or other mature believers, and come to a mutual conclusion if at all possible. But in the end, make sure you’re submitting first to Christ and His Word, and second, to your husband.

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Discernment, Mailbag

The Mailbag: Potpourri (Replacement Theology, Spiritual Gifts Test, Books by false teachers…)

January 8, 2018January 12, 2026 Michelle Lesley

Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question. I also like to take the opportunity in these potpourrri editions to let new readers know about my comments/e-mail/messages policy. I’m not able to respond individually to most e-mails and messages, so here are some helpful hints for getting your questions answered more quickly. Remember, the search bar can be a helpful tool!

Can you explain what replacement theology is?

I can, but there are pastors and theologians way smarter than I am who have done a much better job of it than I could. I reached out to my friend Pastor Gabe “WWUTT” Hughes for some help and he addressed the question in this episode of the When We Understand the Text podcast (starting at about 1:30):

WWUTT 565 Q&A Replaced Protesting Eligibility?

You may also find the following resources helpful:

The Church and Israel: The Issue at Ligonier

What is replacement theology / supersessionism? at Got Questions

What is replacement theology? at CARM

Supersessionism at Theopedia

I want to get more involved in serving my church. Can you recommend a spiritual gifts survey web site so I can find out what my spiritual gifts are and how I should be serving?

First of all, thank you. It is awesome that you want to serve your church more, and better. This question is so encouraging to me!

I actually wouldn’t recommend taking a spiritual gifts survey. Taking one of these tests is kind of a backwards way of going about finding a place to serve. It puts you into the mindset of “OK, I’m going to figure out my gifts and then find a position of service in one of those areas”. (And to be honest, you can take five different assessments and get five different answers as to what your gifts are.)

But really, the best way to discover what you’re gifted at is to jump in and start serving. As you serve – and, of course, as you continue to study your Bible, pray, and sit under good teaching and preaching at church – you’ll start figuring out where you’re gifted and where you’re not. Others will also have the opportunity to observe you and give you godly counsel about your strengths and weaknesses. You might even find that you’re gifted at something that you never would have imagined! I sure did!

Instead of taking a spiritual gifts test, ask your pastor or elders about the areas your church needs someone to serve in, and prayerfully pick the task that seems to be the best fit for you. You’ll meet a need at your church, and the Holy Spirit will use that ministry experience to direct your steps toward future areas of service.

You might also like to try my resource The Servanthood Survey. It’s all about what the Bible says about servanthood and serving in the local church.

Is your study in 1 John available in workbook format? If so, I would love to buy a copy.

Is it OK if I print out one of your Bible studies to use in my Sunday School class or in my personal quiet time?

All of the Bible studies I’ve written are available for free under the “Bible Studies” tab at the top of this page. This is my gift to you and to any churches which would like to use them. My family lives very modestly on one income, so I know what it’s like not to be able to afford all the resources you’d like to splurge on. This is a way I can give back. (If the reason you’d like to purchase my materials is so you can support me financially, click here or here instead.)

Any reader is more than welcome to print out any Bible study or article you find here – no need to ask permission. There are two ways to print:

1. At the bottom of each article, beneath the words “share this” there’s a button that says “more.” Hover over or click that button, and a dropdown of several more buttons will appear, one of which is a “print” button.

2. You can copy and paste the article into your word processing program and print from there. (This will save you some ink because you can print the text only and leave out any images you don’t need.)

The only thing I ask is that when you print out one of my articles to distribute to others (not necessary if it’s just for personal use), please make sure my name (Michelle Lesley– “Lesley” is my last name, not my first, and it ends with an “ey,” not an “ie”) and/or web address (MichelleLesley.com) is on there somewhere.

I ask this for several reasons, adulation not being one of them. First, there have been a few plagiarism scandals in evangelicalism over the last several years. Best practice is just to avoid that potential problem altogether by slapping a quick credit on the page. Next, it’s to protect you. If I accidentally mishandle Scripture in a Bible study, if someone gets angry about an article I wrote, etc., I don’t want her blaming you because she thinks you wrote it. That’s my responsibility. Finally, if the person you gave the article to, or a third party, picks up the resource you’ve printed out and wants to know more about Christ, I want her to be able to come to my blog and get the biblical gospel and doctrinally sound teaching.

Print away!

A pastor printed out this article as a bulletin insert for his church.

I know you’ve written an article saying that _____ is a false teacher, but what about [this particular book she wrote]? Is it OK for me/our church to study?

The best way to answer this question is to have you ask it of Jesus, Paul, or any of the other New Testament writers.

Read Matthew 23 and ask Jesus if your pastor and elders should read Joe Pharisee’s book on pastoral leadership.

Read 1 Timothy 1:19-20 and ask Paul if he thinks Hymenaeus’ book on faith would be good for your discipleship class.

Read 2 Peter 2 and ask Peter if your women’s Bible study group should use the DVD series of anyone who fits that description.

When Scripture talks about avoiding false teachers, it always talks about avoiding the teacher himself, as a whole. That means all of his writings, materials, conferences, products, and merch. You won’t find a Scripture that tells you it’s OK to “eat the meat and spit out the bones” when it comes to false teachers, even if he says things or writes books from time to time that seem okay-ish. In fact, Scripture says we’re to expect false teachers to sound biblical at times, but never says it’s OK to (supportively or positively) use those biblical-sounding, tweets, articles, or books. We’re to stay away from the person.

And it’s not just to protect you or your church from false doctrine. It’s actually one of the ways we demonstrate Christ’s love to the false teacher. Go back to the 1 Timothy 1:19-20 link above. Why did Paul hand Alexander and Hymenaeus over to Satan? So they would “learn not to blaspheme”. Read 1 Corinthians 5 and Matthew 18:15-20. Why do we disfellowship unrepentant sinners from the church? To clearly send them the message that they are bearing the fruit of an unbeliever and that they need to repent and believe the gospel for the sake of their own souls.

When you continue to follow a false teacher, retweet her, share her posts, buy her books, and attend her conferences – even if you think you’re supporting only her “meat” and spitting out her “bones” – you are tacitly sending her the message that you approve of her and her ministry as a whole. That she is saved, biblical, right with God, and not in need of repentance. You are, in a way, lying to her, perhaps at the cost of her eternity. Is that really something you want on your conscience? Do you realize you’re disobeying Christ and His Word when you do these things?

Is it OK to use certain materials by a person who has demonstrated that she is a false teacher? My answer is the same as Scripture’s. No.

I was married before I became a believer. My cousin who is a “pastor” married us. My cousin is a woman. Am I married if a woman isn’t supposed to be a pastor?

I’m not sure if you mean legally or in the eyes of God, but the answer is “yes” on both counts. If she was licensed by the state to perform marriages and you filed a marriage license and went through whatever other legal procedures your state requires, you are legally married.

You are also married in the eyes of God regardless of who performs the ceremony. You could have gone down to the courthouse and had a judge who was a raging atheist marry you and you’d still be married in God’s eyes. What validates a marriage to God is not the person performing the ceremony, but your vow and commitment to, as Genesis 2:24 says of Adam: “leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

Women of Genesis Bible Study

The Women of Genesis: Lesson 3- Eve

November 29, 2017April 2, 2019 Michelle Lesley

Previous Lessons: 1, 2

(By way of reminder, this study will be slightly different from our regular studies. We will be taking a more in depth look at the passages of Genesis that focus on the women we’ll be studying and a more generalized overview of the passages in between. Those “in between” passages may be somewhat lengthy, so instead of reprinting them here, I will be linking to those longer passages on Bible Gateway. Simply click on “Read Genesis X:Y-Z” to start reading.)

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Read Genesis 1:26-2:25

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Questions to Consider

1. You may wish to review Lesson 2 (link above) in preparation for today’s lesson.

2. Examine 1:26-30. What sets human beings apart from the rest of creation? What does it mean to be made in the “image” and “likeness” of God? What responsibilities and instructions did God give Adam and Eve when He created them?

3. What did God mean when He said that man was to “have dominion” (26,28) over the animals and “subdue” the earth (28)? Does God consider animals to be equal to people? How does man’s dominion over the earth reflect and point to God’s dominion over the universe? What are some ways Christians can glorify God as we exercise dominion over creation?

4. What did God instruct Adam and Eve to eat? (29) What were animals to eat? (30) Why do you think God needed to tell Adam and Eve what they and the animals were to eat? Why, at that time in history, did people and animals not eat meat? (Hint: 2:17c- In order to get meat, what do you have to do to another living creature?) Does this instruction still apply today?

5. Study 1:31-2:3. Did God create anything else after He created Adam and Eve? Why did God rest after creating humans?

6. Describe the ecology and horticulture of the earth (2:5-6) and of Eden (2:8-14).

7. Compare the method God used for creating Adam (2:7) to the method He used for creating Eve (2:21-22). What are the differences and similarities? God made man to tend (2:15) the ______ from which he had come (2:7). God made woman to tend (2:18) the ______ from which she had come (2:22).

8. In Genesis 1 (4,10,12,18,21,25,31) God brings each of His creative acts to completion with the statement, “And God saw that it was good.” What is the first thing in Creation that God said was not good? (2:18)

9. Examine 2:18-20. Describe the void in both Adam’s life and in Creation prior to God’s creation of Eve. How did the creation of woman make Adam’s life, and Creation, whole and complete?

10. What was Adam’s job? (2:15,19) What was Eve’s job? (2:18,20)

11. What can we learn about God’s design for gender, sexuality, and marriage from Genesis 1:27-28 and 2:18,20-25?

12. Describe Eve and her world, using today’s passage as your guide. What kinds of things did she see, smell, hear, taste, and feel? What are some of the things she and Adam might have spent their days doing? What did she eat? What did she wear? How would the fact that sin and death had not yet entered the world have affected her daily life, her relationship with Adam, and her relationship with God? How would your daily life, relationships with others, and your relationship with God be different if sin and death had never entered the world?

Homework

As we learned in Lesson 2, Genesis 1:26-30 and 2:5-25 are not two different accounts of the creation of man. Rather, chapter 1 is the condensed version and chapter 2 is the expanded version. Sometimes when we’re studying historical events like this, it can be confusing to our linear way of thinking when the story is not laid out in chronological order.

On a piece of paper or in your word processor, rearrange the verses of Genesis 1:26-2:25 into chronological order.

Suggested Memory Verse

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24

Mailbag, Marriage

The Mailbag: My fiance and I don’t agree on theology.

November 27, 2017September 5, 2022 Michelle Lesley

After struggling to find a solid local church, I finally found one that’s gospel-centered. I have been fellowshipping there for close to 6 months now and am planning to pursue membership soon. My fiancé is a godly man, but he lives in another town, so he fellowships and serves in a church which he knows has some unbiblical doctrinal issues I won’t compromise on. After our wedding, we plan to live in the town he currently resides in. There are no Bible believing churches around (all are prosperity gospel churches). I am confused because I am not ready to listen to unsound teaching and later bring up my children in a community I don’t agree with theologically.

That’s such a difficult dilemma to be caught in, and I certainly do sympathize. An engagement period should be a joyful time of planning your wedding and your subsequent life together, not agonizing over major disagreements.

That said, it is good that you recognized this problem before the wedding rather than after, and I would strongly encourage you not to move ahead with the marriage unless and until the two of you have come to a biblical agreement on the matter.

Marriage can be challenging even when you agree on all the important stuff. But when you staunchly disagree on what should be the most important issue in your marriage – Christ, His Word, and His church – it can be devastating. Even if you think you are spiritually mature enough to work through the issue and remain committed to your vows, your husband might not be, and could decide he’d rather give up on the marriage than continue to struggle.

There are a couple of Scripture passages I’d encourage you to take a look at as you continue to work through this dilemma:

2 Corinthians 6:14-18: Though verse 14 of this passage clearly says, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers,” (You said your fiancé was a godly man, so I’m assuming he’s a Believer.) and though the context of this passage is more broadly about the church yoking with unbelievers than it is about marriage, there are still some important applications to your situation.

Get a good picture in your mind of two oxen being yoked together to pull a plow or wagon, because that’s the image the Holy Spirit is giving us in this passage. Even if you’re both oxen (i.e. both Believers) what’s going to happen if you’re pulling one direction and your husband is pulling the other direction? Or if you’re pulling one direction and he digs his hooves in and refuses to budge? To plow rightly, you’ve got to be pulling in the same direction together. What would happen if you yoked a full grown ox with a small calf? Even if you’re pulling the same direction, that yoke is going to rub one or both of you raw, cause blisters, etc. Prayerfully think about the words “yoked,” “partnership,” “fellowship,” “accord,” “share,” and “agreement” in this passage in light of the spiritual differences between you and your fiancé.

Ephesians 5:22-33: Examine what this passage calls you to in your role as a wife: Submit to your husband. Respect your husband. Already you have an issue because when it comes to your husband requiring you to do something ungodly (such as attend and raise your children in a heretical “church”) you, as a Believer, must “obey God rather than men.”

Now examine the role this passage calls your husband to. Is he giving himself up for you as Christ did for the church in order to make sure you grow and flourish in sound doctrine in your relationship with the Lord? (v. 25-27) Is he nourishing and cherishing your sanctification? Is he loving you as his own flesh?

In addition to praying and studying the Scriptures, it would be very helpful to make an appointment with your pastor (not his) for pre-marital counseling. He can lead the two of you to talk through the issue and determine whether or not you can resolve it in a biblical way. Your fiancé’s responses should give you a clearer picture of what to do, and if he refuses pastoral counseling, that should also be an indicator about which direction your relationship should go.

Husbands and wives do not have to agree verbatim – although it’s wonderful if they do – on every teensy tinsy molecule of doctrine or the marriage is doomed. (My husband and I have a few minor theological disagreements, but we’re in agreement about 98% of the time, and certainly on all the most important tenets of doctrine.) But heresy versus sound doctrine is not a teensy tinsy molecule of doctrine. It is a major issue that will harmfully impact your marriage and your children – in more ways than you can now imagine – for the rest of your lives. I would strongly encourage you to put the wedding on hold until this issue is resolved in a biblical way. Your love for and loyalty to Christ must take precedence over your love for and loyalty to any man:

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.”
Luke 14:26

“Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.”
Matthew 10:34-37