Marriage. It’s a gracious gift and blessing of God. Do you pray for your husband regularly? Do you pray for yourself as his wife? Here are some of the prayers I pray daily for my husband and for myself, that the Lord will help us to be godly spouses for one another and for His glory. If you find them helpful, feel free to download or screenshot them to use as wallpaper on your phone or other device (double click or open in a new tab to enlarge), or print them out to keep in your Bible.
Valentine’s Day is this week, and you’re probably being bombarded from every angle with the world’s idea of love, romance, and marriage. But what does the Bible have to say about that? And how about some “been there, done that” godly counsel from your older sisters in Christ?
Between us, my A Word Fitly Spoken podcast co-host, Amy Spreeman and I have over 60 years experience as wives. We recently sat down and recorded Love and Marriage, an episode about biblical love and godly marriage. Have you listened yet?
You might also enjoy some of my articles on marriage:
A No-Bull Marriage: Four Lessons from Mr. & Mrs. Samson
The Mailbag: I “feel led” in a different direction from my husband
9 Ways NOT to Fight with Your Husband
My Husband Brought Me Flowers Today
Or maybe you’re single and you’d like to hear what Scripture says to you:
Thinking about watching a romantic movie with your sweetie? Check out my review of this one: Redeeming Love: Rants, Raves, and Reviews.
And, if you’re looking for some sentimental classic CCM love songs1 for V-Day (my husband and I had the first four in our wedding :0) …
1I’m not recommending or endorsing any of these musicians. Some of them are fine. Some aren’t. Vet anybody you’re considering following.
The world has all kinds of ideas about how you and your “significant other” should spend Valentine’s Day. Some aren’t too bad, but others are downright depraved. Want some ideas of things you and your husband, kids, friends, or church family can do together instead? How about these? Have fun!
Want some ideas of things you and your husband, kids, friends, or church family can do together on Valentine’s Day? Check these out!
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1. Invite your Sunday School class or small group over for desserts and fellowship.
2. Snuggle up under the covers and read the Old Testament book of Song of Solomon with your husband.
3. Have a get together with your single friends.
4. Visit a local tourist attraction you’ve never been to before.
5. Volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center.
6. Go antiquing.
7. Go on a miniature golf date with your husband.
8. Have a snowball fight- parents versus kids.
9. Invite another couple to go to a canvas painting place.
10. Play Twister.
11. Re-read your favorite book.
12. Go for a mother-daughter mani/pedi.
13. Fingerpaint with the kids.
14. Take a nap.
15. Cook dinner with your husband.
16. Plan a family game night.
17. Have a pillow fight.
18. Go shopping with the girls.
19. Schedule a family photo session.
20. Roast marshmallows over the fire.
21. Bake cookies for some of the shut-ins in your church.
22. Trade skills. Teach your husband how to do a small task he doesn’t know how to do (make a pie crust, fold a fitted sheet…) and let him teach you how to do something (change a tire, tie a tie…).
23. Play frisbee at the park as a family.
24. Play with your pet.
25. Hand out tracts and share the gospel at the mall.
26. Babysit for a single mom.
27. Get out the play dough and play with the kids.
28. Plan a family hike.
29. Host a Bible study in your home.
30. Get the whole family cuddled up on the couch and take turns with your husband telling “when I was a kid” stories to the kids.
31. Clean out a closet.
32. Watch a (clean) romantic movie with your husband.
33. Have a family haiku-writing contest.
34. Play video games with the kids.
35. Jump on a trampoline.
36. Invite a couple for dinner that you and your husband would like to get to know better.
37. Binge watch your favorite classic TV series.
38. Pray for and write a letter to a missionary as a family.
39. Check out a class or community event at your local library.
40. Plan a family vacation.
41. Look up and read every Bible verse with the word love in it.
42. Get some friends together to sing a few hymns at a nursing home.
43. Write and exchange love letters with your husband.
44. Have a tickle fight.
45. Go out to dinner at a restaurant you’ve never tried before.
46. Get a facial.
47. Gather some girlfriends and volunteer at a battered women’s shelter.
48. Get a couple’s massage.
49. Flip through old photo albums with the kids.
50. Take a bubble bath.
I found this article because I am a Christian single 37 year old woman. I have yet to meet a man that would be a suitable partner. And by that I mean everyone I’ve dated over the last two decades has shown major red flags I can not in good conscience ignore. Impossibly entitled/self oriented, pushing for sex without commitment/marriage, all taking no giving, general apathy, not marriage minded, secret addiction issues… You name it. I’ve seen it. And as soon as I do see it I don’t stick around long. I really have done everything I can think of and stayed out of trouble.
In any case, the church has no great answers for single women who are running out of time and followed all the rules so to speak. What is life even supposed to look like without a family… without a husband? Are we to marry bad men if good ones aren’t available? Are we to forgo the joys and meaning of rearing our children and creating life? The highest and most sacred calling the church asks of women? I feel quite powerless, and I’m beginning to get twinges of resentment towards men in general for failing me and many other great women. All the families and children that will never be. Life’s natural and beautiful progressions and chapters cannot take place without a good husband. The enormity of the grief I’m beginning to feel if I don’t meet someone in time is beyond comprehension. If you were to get a call one day and learn your husband and children all died… It’s like that. Except you didn’t even get to have any time with them in your life at all. Let that sink in before you judge or talk someone out of making the best out of a less than ideal situation to make a family. Get mad at the men. No one wants to do it alone. I’m sure this wasn’t her preferred plan. Or start speaking to what God’s plan is for single women. Cause mathematically there’s more single Christian ladies than single men and this outcome is quite inevitable and predictable. Yet the church stays quiet or rails on about getting married which causes a great silent pain in many hearts like mine… To whom shall I marry?
My dear sister, my heart goes out to you in your pain. Although I felt much the same way before I met my husband, I was much younger than you are, and I was not single as long as you have been. So, I won’t say I know how you feel, because I don’t. But I do sympathize. I understand that your pain is very real, and though I wish there were something I could do to alleviate it, I can’t.
But Jesus can.
I don’t mean that in some trite, Pollyanna way. I mean that in the way Scripture means it. You must find your contentment, your completeness, your satisfaction, in Christ, despite your circumstances. And that goes for all of us, because all of us suffer in one way or another. So let’s all take a look at God’s way of working through these types of difficult situations.
You must find your contentment, your completeness, your satisfaction, in Christ, *despite* your circumstances.
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You must be born again.
I’m not accusing you of not being a Christian because of your question or the way you expressed yourself. But I don’t know you. And on the internet: anyone can claim to be anything, a lot of people don’t have a biblical definition of the word “Christian,” and there are a lot of false converts out there. So I never assume that someone who says she’s a Christian has actually been born again. Besides that, I just like sharing the gospel.
If, for some reason, you (or anyone reading this) have never heard the biblical gospel and responded to it in repentance and faith in Christ, you must do that today. Immediately. Your eternity is at stake. Additionally, you will never find the peace and contentment you seek if you are not in Christ.
Click on the What must I do to be saved? tab in the blue menu bar at the top of this page, and prayerfully work your way through it. When you get finished with that, work through my Bible study on assurance: Am I Really Saved? A First John Check Up.
Become a faithful, active, member of a doctrinally sound local church.
Not just any church. A doctrinally sound church.
If I had to guess from some of the thoughts and phraseology in your comment, I would guess you’re either not in church right now or not in a doctrinally sound church. Why?
In a doctrinally sound church, you don’t find that “everyone” of the single men are “impossibly entitled/self oriented, pushing for sex without commitment/marriage, all taking no giving, general apathy, not marriage minded, secret addiction issues…”. Generally speaking, men like that aren’t saved and don’t hang around doctrinally sound churches.
Additionally, if you were in a doctrinally sound church, you would have been taught and discipled not to date men like that because they’re most likely not saved, and Scripture commands you not to be unequally yoked in marriage with an unbeliever.
Furthermore, this: Let that sink in before you judge or talk someone out of making the best out of a less than ideal situation to make a family. Get mad at the men... is patently unbiblical. I realize you may have just been venting and didn’t really mean it, but you did not learn this line of thinking in a doctrinally sound church. This is pragmatism and bitterness. Christians do not “make the best out of” anything by sinning. Christians obey God even when their flesh wants to do something else. And my telling a Christian that is not “judging,” it’s biblical instruction.
You need to immerse yourself in a doctrinally sound local church immediately.
I want to be very clear that I am not telling you to join a good church in order to catch a good husband (although you certainly have a much better chance of that if you’re in a good church).
I’m telling you to join a good church a) because it is every Christian’s obligation and privilege to be joined to a doctrinally sound church, and b) because a solid church will train you, help you, encourage you to learn to be content in Christ, and will comfort you in your pain when you’re having a rough day.
Click on Searching for a new church? in the blue menu bar at the top of this page. If you’re already a member of a church, start reading the resources in the What to look for in a church section, and see if your church matches up. If it doesn’t, or if you’re currently disobeying God’s command not to forsake the assembly, repent and scroll back up to the church search engines section. (I’d recommend starting with Founders first, then G3, then The Master’s Seminary, then the others.)
Pursue Christ, not a husband.
…The highest and most sacred calling the church asks of women?
The highest and most sacred calling a doctrinally sound church will call women and men to is to pursue Christ. For a church or an individual to put anything ahead of pursuing Christ is idolatry.
I know what you’re going through grieves you, but you’re going to be even more miserable if you continually focus on what you don’t have – a husband and children – than what you do have as a Believer – Christ. Discontent – in any circumstance – only makes things worse. Believe me, I’ve been there.
You’re going to be even more miserable if you continually focus on what you don’t have -a husband and children- than what you do have as a Believer- Christ. Discontent -in any circumstance- only makes things worse.
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Focus your life on pursuing Christ. Get up every day and study the Word. Spend copious amounts of time in prayer. Faithfully attend and serve your church. Share the gospel. Disciple younger women. Be consumed with Christ and you won’t be consumed by discontent.
Be consumed with Christ and you won’t be consumed by discontent.
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RSVP to the Pity Party:
☑️ Will Not Attend
Brace yourself. It’s time for a little tough love. For all of us:
Suck it up, buttercup. Yes, your suffering is real and not unimportant. Yes, it’s excruciating at times. But nowhere in Scripture will you find God saying that self-pity is a godly pastime. And you’re not the only one out there who’s suffering. Look to Christ. He suffered far more than any of us, yet He didn’t feel sorry for Himself. In His season of greatest suffering, He served.
…Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.
Therefore, let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.
1 Peter 2:21b-23, 4:19
Recently, I was reading several related psalms, and I noticed the repeated phrase, “I will lift up my eyes”. Stop the narcissistic navel gazing and lift your eyes up to Christ crucified for your sins, raised for your justification, ascended into Heaven, and seated at the right hand of God. And then look around you at the people He would have you serve, following in His steps.
Self-pity leads to bitterness. Just say no.
You can’t always get what you want.
We all have to face up to the fact that just because we want something doesn’t mean that’s what God wants for us. You may never get married. Some women are unable to bear children. I have a friend who has been disabled all his life. There are lots of things he wanted to be able to do, physically, that he’s never been able to do. I have another friend who will never have grandchildren because of the choices her children have made. God is denying me something in my own life right now -maybe permanently- and it’s extraordinarily painful.
We all have to face up to the fact that just because we want something doesn’t mean that’s what God wants for us. And He is still good.
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And He is still good. Everything He does in our lives is for His glory and our good. He knows what’s best for us. The question is,
Being a Christian means surrendering everything we are, and everything we want, to Christ to do with as He pleases. What do we get in return? We get Him. And He is far more than enough.
Being a Christian means surrendering everything we are, and everything we want, to Christ to do with as He pleases. What do we get in return? We get Him. And He is far more than enough.
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Let’s get specific…
What is life even supposed to look like without a family… without a husband?
It is supposed to look like a godly single woman pursuing Christ, being content in Christ, and loving and serving her family, friends, and church.
Are we to marry bad men if good ones aren’t available?
Of course not. Even pagans know better than that, and certainly no doctrinally sound Christian or church would suggest such a thing, especially when the Bible commands otherwise.
Are we to forgo the joys and meaning of rearing our children and creating life?
Yes. If God doesn’t see fit for you to marry, you are absolutely to forgo those joys and meanings. You are to joyfully open your hand, let go, and sacrifice those things to Him knowing that He has something different for your life. Something that will bring more glory to Him and will consequently be better for you.
I’m beginning to get twinges of resentment towards men in general for failing me and many other great women.
Stop that right now. That is, indeed, sinful resentment. Repent of that. You also need to examine your heart and consider whether or not your desire for marriage has risen to the level of coveteousness. Demanding, idolizing, and fretting over something God has told you “no” about right now is coveting. If that’s what’s happening, repent.
“Men in general” have not failed you or anyone else. Stop blaming them. God is sovereign over every atom of this universe. If He wanted you to be married right now, you would be.
All the families and children that will never be.
There are precisely the number of families and children God wants there to be. God decides that, not people.
Life’s natural and beautiful progressions and chapters cannot take place without a good husband.
No, marriage’s natural and beautiful progressions and chapters cannot take place without a good husband. Just because you don’t have a husband doesn’t mean you don’t have a life. You have a life that, right now, is to be lived for the glory of God as a single woman. And that life is not devoid of beauty. God don’t make ugly, honey.
The enormity of the grief I’m beginning to feel if I don’t meet someone in time is beyond comprehension.
Yes, your grief is valid and real. It is also to come under the lordship of Christ and not consume you. When grief overwhelms you, praise Him. Worship Him. Thank Him. Remember His promises. Ask Him to get that grief under control and put it where it belongs: at His nail-pierced feet.
Ask God to get that grief under control and put it where it belongs: at His nail-pierced feet.
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I would encourage you to read through and pray through the Psalms, especially the ones in which the psalmist cries out to God in the dark night of his soul. Nearly all of them end with him praising God. And so many of those psalms, and others, encourage us to “wait upon the Lord”.
Waiting upon the Lord is not running ten miles down the road from what He’s currently doing in your life and hollering after Him to hurry up and catch up with you, while you impatiently tap your foot and drum your fingers. Waiting upon the Lord is what we see Israel doing during their forty years in the wilderness. When the pillar of cloud set out, they would follow it to their next destination. When it stopped, they set up camp and waited for it to move again. A day. A couple of weeks. A few months. Whatever length of time it took.
“In time” is God’s time. Trusting Him includes trusting His timing.
Trusting God includes trusting His timing.
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If you were to get a call one day and learn your husband and children all died… It’s like that. Except you didn’t even get to have any time with them in your life at all.
It’s nothing like that. Refusing to be content in Christ in the season of life in which He has currently placed you is not comparable to grieving the loss of my husband and children. Now, if, after I had lost them, I refused to be content in that new season of my life, that would be comparable.
Let that sink in before you judge or talk someone out of making the best out of a less than ideal situation to make a family.
Again, this is not biblical. You are speaking from fleshly grief and self pity, not from the mind of Christ or the Word of God. You’re lashing out at me because you’re hurting.
When I tell someone that the Bible says something is sin and she can’t do it, I’m not offering my biased, subjective personal opinion and pragmatic advice, nor am I “judging” her. I’m telling her what God says because I love her.
You can’t make the best out of a bad situation by sinning. You can only make the best out of a bad situation by obeying God’s Word. Sinning just makes a bad situation worse.
You can’t make the best out of a bad situation by sinning. You can only make the best out of a bad situation by obeying God’s Word. Sinning just makes a bad situation worse.
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Get mad at the men.
No. It is not “the men’s” fault that you’re single or that the woman in the IVF article defied God’s plan for the family or chose to abuse a child by intentionally denying him a father. Stop blaming other people for the season of life God has sovereignly put you in, bow the knee to Him, and find your contentment in Christ.
No one wants to do it alone. I’m sure this wasn’t her preferred plan.
Is that what she’s going to say when she stands before God on Judgment Day? “So what if I defied You? I didn’t want to do it alone. This wasn’t my preferred plan.”.
This is pragmatism and excuse making.
Or start speaking to what God’s plan is for single women.
Honey, I’m one of the few doctrinally sound voices out there who is speaking to what God’s plan is for single women. And married women. And divorced women. And widowed women. And childless women. And women with children. And disabled women. And able bodied women. And women who stay home. And women who work outside the home. And…
Single women aren’t a special class of Christian, and neither are any of the other categories I just named. God’s plan for all of us is to wake up every day and live in obedience to His Word in whatever circumstances He has sovereignly placed us in. Period. That’s God’s plan for you, single woman.
And furthermore, I did speak specifically to what God’s plan was for the single woman in the IVF article and you didn’t like it. You accused me of being unsympathetic and judgmental. You can’t have it both ways.
Cause mathematically there’s more single Christian ladies than single men and this outcome is quite inevitable and predictable.
Sin. God’s will. Obedience to Scripture. None of these things are determined by statistics, by the ends justifying the means, or by pragmatism. They’re determined by God’s written Word.
Yet the church stays quiet or rails on about getting married which causes a great silent pain in many hearts like mine.
Forget what “the church” is or isn’t doing. You don’t have to listen to “the church,” you only need to concern yourself with your church. If your church is either unbiblically staying quiet or unbiblically railing on about getting married, talk to your pastor about your concerns and, if nothing changes, find a doctrinally sound church.
If your church is teaching biblically about marriage, you’re the one who needs to change. Ask God to help you. Stay in the Word and in prayer. Set up an appointment for counsel with your pastor. Find a godly older woman in your church – preferably one who’s single, if possible – to disciple you.
If you’re currently forsaking the assembly, sweep around your own front door, stop blaming “the church,” repent, and join a doctrinally sound church.
To whom shall I marry?
You’re asking the wrong question. Stop coveting a husband and start asking God how you can bloom where He has planted you. How you can glorify Him by submitting your will to His. How you can honor Him by your obedience to Scripture.
God never promised us a bed of roses on this earth. He told us to count the cost.
Now let’s all pick up our crosses and get moving. There’s Kingdom work to be done.
Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him.
1 Corinthians 7:17a
If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.
Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question.
I like to take the opportunity in these potpourri editions to let new readers know about my comments/e-mail/messages policy. I’m not able to respond individually to most e-mails and messages, so here are some helpful hints for getting your questions answered more quickly. Remember, the search bar (at the very bottom of each page) can be a helpful tool!
Or maybe I answered your question already? Check out my article The Mailbag: Top 10 FAQs to see if your question has been answered and to get some helpful resources.
Should Bible believing private schools allow non-Christian families to enroll?
It’s a great question, and I think the answer could rightly be yes or no depending on the school, its purpose, and those leading it.
Many, many moons ago in the 1980’s, I attended and graduated from a Christian school. (It was a pre-K through 12 school. I attended 9th-11th grade there, and graduated at the end of my 11th grade year.) My mother was also a science and math teacher there, so I was privy to some of the administrative goings on.
I taught kindergarten for a couple of years at a private Christian school.
Three of my children attended private Christian schools at various times during their middle and high school years. I served on the board of one of them since it was a ministry of our church.
What my experience as a Christian school student, teacher, parent, and board member has taught me is that there are typically two main types of students whose parents enroll them in a Christian school:
All of the schools I mentioned above sought to provide a quality, Christ-centered education and environment to students, and all were a mixture of those two main types of students.
So long as the “type 2” students outwardly conformed to the rules and the environment, things went well. But that rarely happened for long, and serious and disruptive discipline problems often arose. (Imagine what your church would be like if, say, unrepentant criminals were forced by their probation officers to attend and participate, and it will give you some idea of the conflict-laden environment.)
I would be interested to see what it would look like for a Christian school to “specialize” in only “type 1” or “type 2” students. Personally, I think that would work better, but there are people with far more expertise and professional experience in the field of Christian education than I who could give better insight and wisdom than I can.
I love fitness and recently have been thinking about getting more involved in volleyball, but I’m concerned about whether it’s okay for women to be involved in sports – and then concerned about its appropriateness whether a woman is playing against other women or other men (or a mixed group of people).
Well, we are really traveling back down memory lane in The Mailbag today, because, while I was a student at the aforementioned Christian school, I was also on the volleyball team! I am not athletically inclined, and it’s the only sport I ever enjoyed or was marginally any good at. But anyway…
I can’t think of anything in Scripture that would prohibit or even discourage women from being involved in recreational-level sports, especially if the purpose for doing so is exercise and fitness. While we’re not to focus on strengthening our bodies to the exclusion of strengthening ourselves spiritually, God’s Word is clear that our bodies are a gift from God and that we’re to steward them well because they house the Holy Spirit and are the means by which we’re able to physically serve Him and others.
To that end, many churches offer sports or exercise classes. When I was growing up, my local Baptist association of churches had a softball league among all the churches with children’s, youth, men’s, and women’s teams. It can be a lot of fun to fellowship together while getting some exercise!
But I don’t think co-ed sports are wise. We’ve seen enough of the pitfalls of men inserting themselves into women’s sports in news story after news story. Women get injured because men are stronger, bigger, and more powerful (or men have to hold themselves back and be extremely careful not to injure women). Healthy competition comes to a standstill because men usually win. Many women’s sports uniforms are immodest. There are just too many issues that arise, especially for Christians, when sports aren’t sex-segregated.
If you’re married, discuss it with your husband. If you’re not (or you need further input), bounce it off 😀 a godly older woman in your church or set (but not bump or spike!) up an appointment with your pastor for counsel.
The following question deals with sexual intercourse in marriage. It was asked in an appropriate, non-detailed way, and I’ve answered it in the same way, but if you think there may be any potential for temptation of your imagination, please skip this question and answer.
I would like to ask you what specific intimate acts in the marriage bed are sinful and if either spouse has the authority to demand it and withhold intimacy all together if the demand isn’t met regardless of how long said act has been practiced in their relationship.
If one spouse grows in Christ and becomes uncomfortable with this certain act commonly practiced and over time convicted that it is sin for them to continue to engage in and the other spouse feels unfairly treated (cheated) due to this conviction and desire to stop doing it and this specific issue is seriously threatening the marriage. The person feeling cheated has stopped attending worship and stopped engaging in family worship, and is not willing to seek elder/church or any counsel although claims to be in Christ and convinced they are right.
Please address respecting the conscience of the other person if a specific act is not clearly forbidden in scripture but can be indirectly defended by scripture by stressing the natural function of the woman vs unnatural.
I apologize for being a little vague. I know it is a topic the church shys away from and I believe many couples struggle in the area of intimacy and are afraid to go to their church about it due to embarrassment of one or both spouses.
How would you counsel both spouses in this situation? Specifically the spouse who is no longer comfortable with the act and is seeking help. Or who (other than the local church) would you direct them to for help.
Should the conscience be violated for the sake of saving the marriage and “being submissive to each other”?
Wow. There’s a lot going on here, and I’m afraid I can’t be of much specific help without more specific details (which I do not want; please don’t send them), but I’ll do my best.
I would like to ask you what specific intimate acts in the marriage bed are sinful…
I’m sorry, but there’s no way I can – or will – answer that. Even if it were appropriate for this venue (it’s not), my knowledge of what I can only imagine to be hundreds of possible acts of intimacy is – praise God for His mercy and protection – extremely limited.
You and your husband should not be participating in any acts which:
…if either spouse has the authority to demand it and withhold intimacy all together if the demand isn’t met…
Spouses should not be “demanding” anything – sexual or not – from one another. Marriage, and the Christian life itself, are about dying to self, loving others, and laying your life down for them. That’s what Jesus did for us.
It is also unbiblical to deny your spouse sex (except temporarily, for the purpose of prayer, and then, only by agreement). God is crystal clear about that in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5:
The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
If one spouse grows in Christ and becomes uncomfortable with this certain act…and…convicted that it is sin for them to continue to engage in and the other spouse feels unfairly treated (cheated) due to this conviction…
It’s understandable that the spouse who does not feel convicted about this particular act you’ve been doing for years would feel cheated when it’s suddenly taken away. S/he might even feel a bit judged, too.
I would encourage the spouse with the conviction about the act to do two things:
First, your convictions must be informed by rightly handled Scripture. By way of example: some people have a strong conviction that alcohol is sinful. But that is not a biblical conviction, because Scripture does not teach that alcohol is sinful. It teaches that drunkenness is sinful. I would urge you to search the Scriptures and consider the bullet point list I gave above, and make sure your conviction is based on rightly handled Scripture.
Second, think creatively (yet still biblically), and see if there’s some sort of compromise you can reach with your non-convicted spouse. Perhaps there’s a part of the act you’re not convicted is wrong that you could still do, or you could adjust the act in some sort of way you both agree on that you would not be convicted about.
Do whatever you can, biblically, and in good conscience, to deny your spouse as little as possible.
The person feeling cheated has stopped attending worship and stopped engaging in family worship, and is not willing to seek elder/church or any counsel although claims to be in Christ and convinced they are right.
I’m sorry, but this is not the fruit of someone who has been genuinely regenerated. Punishing your spouse, or lashing out against God, by sinning (disobeying God’s commands to gather with the church and properly lead or participate in worship in the family setting) because you’ve been denied a sex act is the fruit of a lost person, not a saved person. At a minimum, this spouse should be under church discipline for his/her failure to gather, and if it gets to step 3 (bringing it before the church), the reason for failing to gather is going to come out to the pastor and elders whether s/he likes it or not.
Please address respecting the conscience of the other person if a specific act is not clearly forbidden in Scripture…
Scripture is clear that we are not to sin against our own consciences. It is, therefore, sinful to force, pressure, or manipulate someone else – let alone your spouse! – to sin against his/her conscience.
but can be indirectly defended by scripture by stressing the natural function of the woman vs. unnatural.
I’m sorry, I don’t know what this means the way you’ve worded it, and I don’t think it would be wise for me to try to figure it out.
All I can advise you – touching back to the issue of making sure your conscience is informed by rightly handled Scripture – is that this phraseology comes from Romans 1:26-27, which is specifically about homosexuality. If you’re applying the phrase, “the natural function of woman” to anything other than homosexuality, like, “I’m post-menopausal. The natural function of sex for women is to have babies. Therefore, I don’t want to have sex any more because sex for post-menopausal women is not the natural function,” you would be using that passage out of context, your conscience would not be biblically informed, and you’d be violating 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. (I know it’s not the greatest example, but, hopefully, you get what I’m saying.)
I believe many couples struggle in the area of intimacy and are afraid to go to their church about it due to embarrassment of one or both spouses.
Yeah. Everybody’s got to get over that. My husband used to be a pastor. I’ve had dozens of pastors as friends over the years. Trust me, in most cases, whatever you need to disclose to your pastor about your sex life, he’s heard it before and your situation probably isn’t the weirdest or most embarrassing situation he’s heard before. Get over your embarrassment – that’s just Satan’s little tool to keep you in bondage.
How would you counsel both spouses in this situation? Specifically the spouse who is no longer comfortable with the act and is seeking help. Or who (other than the local church) would you direct them to for help.
I would advise the couple to immediately set up an appointment with their pastor for counsel. If one of the spouses refuses to go, the other should go without him/her. Briefly explain the issue to your pastor. He may then decide to counsel the two of you himself (probably along with his wife), or he may have a godly older woman in the church counsel the wife and he or a godly older man in the church may counsel the husband, or he may suggest a certified biblical counselor. (Please read the info at the link if you’re not familiar. This is not the same as “Christian counseling,” which I would not recommend.)
Should the conscience be violated for the sake of saving the marriage and “being submissive to each other”?
No, if you conscience is informed by rightly handled Scripture, you should not violate it.
Scripture does not teach that husbands and wives are to be “submissive to each other”. It teaches that wives are to submit to their husbands. Husbands are not instructed to submit to their wives. Read Ephesians 5 in its entirety. When you do, it’s easy to see that verses 1-21 are addressed to the church. “Being subject to one another in the fear of Christ,” (verse 21) is the final instruction in the section to the church. Verses 22-33 are specifically about marriage, and verse 22 kicks that section off by saying, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands…”.
I’m so sorry this is an issue in your marriage, and I wish I could be of more help. This is just one more reason why God’s plan for Christians is the pastor and the local church. We certainly need them in situations like this.
If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.
