Christian Marriage – Michelle Lesley

The Mailbag: Potpourri (Answering a discernment objection… Scripture is your authority, not Michelle… A sticky submission situation)

August 18, 2026August 18, 2026 Michelle Lesley

Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er, kinda? sometimes?😀) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question.

I like to take the opportunity in these potpourri editions to let new readers know about my comments/e-mail/messages policy. I’m not able to respond individually to most e-mails and messages, so here are some helpful hints for getting your questions answered more quickly. Remember, the search bar (at the very bottom of each page) can be a helpful tool!

Or maybe I answered your question already? Check out my article The Mailbag: Top 10 FAQs to see if your question has been answered and to get some helpful resources.

The other day, a man left this comment on my Facebook page on a 2022 post* in which I shared my article about Tara Leigh Cobble / The Bible Recap / D-Group (henceforth, “TLC”). I wanted to share my response to him with you (below, slightly edited) to provide an example of how to think biblically and critically, as well as respond biblically to one unbiblical claim professing Christians often make about false teachers.

(*Why do people dig up Facebook posts from years ago to comment on? I’m baffled.)

A doctrine that’s crucial to keep front of mind in situations like this is the doctrine of the authority of Scripture. When we’re presented with a choice of believing rightly handled (2 Timothy 2:15), in context Scripture or believing a fallen, sinful human being’s personal testimony, beliefs, opinions, etc., which conflict with Scripture, we are commanded and obligated to believe Scripture over that person’s testimony.

You are sadly mistaken! She has completely changed my bible study for the better by making the scriptures speak to me. She and her ministry are truly blessed by God!!

I’m afraid all your comment has accomplished is to prove that everything I said in the article is true.

You’re a man who apparently doesn’t know that God doesn’t want women teaching the Bible to men in the gathering of the Body. If TLC is such a great Bible teacher, how come she’s never taught you that? Maybe because she’s too busy rebelling against that part of God’s Word?

False teachers cannot make anyone’s Bible study better. If TLC is such a great Bible teacher, how come she’s never taught you that? (See #3 here.)

No human being can “make the Scriptures speak to” anyone. Only the indwelling Holy Spirit does that, and only for genuinely regenerate Believers. It’s called illumination. I’m sure you didn’t mean to, but by attributing the role and the work of the Holy Spirit to a human being, you’ve been unintentionally blasphemous. If TLC is such a great Bible teacher, how come she’s never taught you all of that?

God does not “bless” false teachers and their ministries. False teachers and their ministries are God’s judgment on those who follow them. If TLC is such a great Bible teacher, how come she’s never taught you that?

If TLC is such a great Bible teacher, how come your comment has no Scripture in it whatsoever? All I see is your feelings about her and your personal, subjective opinion about her. If you’re a Christian, your authority for life and the practice of Christianity is Scripture, not your feelings and opinions. That’s called the doctrine of the authority of Scripture. If TLC is such a great Bible teacher, she would have taught you how to defend her with rightly handled, in context Scripture.

You’re judging me unbiblically, because you’re judging my warnings about TLC by your feelings and opinions instead of judging them by rightly handled, in context Scripture. If TLC is such a great Bible teacher, how come she’s never taught you the difference between biblical and unbiblical judgment and how to judge biblically?

A minor point, but how come TLC has never taught you that the words “Bible” and “Scripture” are capitalized?

In Matthew 7:15-27, Jesus teaches us about the fruit false teachers bear. Not just the fruit of their personal character and practices (such as teaching men and yoking with false teachers) but also the fruit of their ministries.

As someone who follows, receives teaching from, and defends TLC, you are the fruit of her ministry. And, as I’ve outlined above, that fruit is ignorance of, misunderstanding of, and disobedience to Scripture. That is bad fruit (you) from a bad tree (TLC), once again proving that Scripture is true and everything I’ve said in the article is true.

TLC isn’t the great Bible teacher you’ve been deceived into thinking she is. Get out now while you still can.

For further reading: Answering the Opposition- Responses to the Most Frequently Raised Discernment Objections

I get two or three emails or DMs like this a month, usually about teachers who are more on the obscure side that I’ve never heard of…

Hi Michelle- What do you think about Jane Smith, the women’s Bible teacher and conference speaker? I’ve done a little research on her and found out that she preaches to men, yokes with false teachers X, Y, and Z, and teaches this, that, and the other unbiblical thing. I guess I probably shouldn’t be following her, right?

My dear readers who have sent questions similar to this one, I can’t tell you how much it encourages me that you are out there doing the research and comparing what these teachers do and teach with Scripture. You are exercising your God given discernment and being good Bereans. Way to go!

If you have researched a teacher to see whether or not you should be following her, you’ve compared her actions and teaching to rightly handled, in context Scripture, and you’ve found clear evidence that her actions or teachings don’t align with what the Bible teaches, then don’t follow her.

Although I’m honored and humbled you would want my feedback, and you’re always welcome to email and ask (though I’m usually not able to answer), I want to make sure you understand that you do not need validation or confirmation from me. I am not your authority for who to follow. Scripture is. If Scripture says you shouldn’t be following someone, there’s your answer.

If you feel a little unsure of yourself when it comes to doing the research on a teacher, I’ve got some resources to help you.

First, grab some of my long form articles (for example: this one or this one) I’ve written about various teachers at the Popular False Teachers & Unbiblical Trends tab (in the blue menu bar at the top of this page) and read through a few of them to get a feel for the kinds of things you should be looking for.

Second, use the resource I designed specifically to help you do the research on your own: Is She a False Teacher? 7 Steps to Figuring it Out on Your Own.

Ask God to give you wisdom and discernment, and to help you handle His Word accurately, and trust Him to do so.

We have had trouble finding a doctrinally sound church, but finally found one. My husband spoke to leadership and everything seemed good. He met with the pastor for lunch and we were very enthusiastic about it. Solid verse by verse preaching. He started with Ephesians and it took about 6 months to finish. No heretical church music either.

One thing. My husband noticed a box of “surgical masks” at the entrance to the sanctuary. We both agree it’s ridiculous to wear them but he feels it is “promoting a lie” by just having them there for those who want one. No one is currently wearing them. He spoke to the pastor and deacon chairman and they disagreed. The box stays for those who feel “more comfortable” wearing one. My husband will not commit to joining this church because of this one issue. I am heartbroken. I know it’s eating him as well. Everything else checks out. Just this. Is he being hyper-critical? Is this a good reason to not join a church. Praying without ceasing over this. Your advice is welcomed and appreciated.

Great question! These disagreements in marriage do come along, don’t they? It’s never pleasant when they do, but, praise God, He has explained to us how to handle them.

A few months ago, I posted an article called Prayers for a Godly Marriage that contained this graphic. Now, not only do we need to pray that God will help us to do these things, we also have to do them!

I would start by having a calm, kind, loving conversation with your husband than doesn’t contain even a hint of nagging, complaining, or otherwise expressing your displeasure. Whether you end up agreeing with him or not, you want to make sure you fully understand his heart on this issue.

You might say something like, “Honey, I really want to be clear on what you’re thinking about all of this. Can you help me understand all of the reasons why you feel so strongly about the masks being available in the lobby?”. And then really listen and do your best – whether you agree with him or not – to understand his position.

When he gets finished explaining, reflect back to him what you’ve understood him to say: “So here’s what I’m hearing you say- You don’t like the masks because they’re purple. The company that makes the masks supports abortion. And, you’re concerned that people will trust the masks more than they trust God to keep them healthy (or whatever his reasons might be). Did I get all of that correct?”.

When he says, “Yes,” thank him and let him know you’re going to think about and pray about what he’s said for a few days – and do that. Ask the Lord to help you understand and accept where your husband is coming from – even if you don’t agree with him. Pray that God will give you wisdom, love, and respect for your husband when you revisit the issue with him. Pray for wisdom for your husband as he makes this decision for your family.

When you go back a few days later to talk to your husband again, start things off with submission: “Honey, I love you, and I want you to know that I’ve been praying that the Lord will help you and give you wisdom as you make the decision for our family about whether or not to join this church. Whatever you decide, I will joyfully support you and follow you. If you would like, I have a few thoughts about the situation that I would be glad to share if you think that input would be helpful to you in your decision-making process. Would you like to hear them?”

If he says no, accept that answer graciously and don’t share your thoughts. If he says yes, pick the two or three points that are most important or urgent to you, frame them logically, objectively, and helpfully, not emotionally, manipulatively, or naggingly, and be as concise as possible.

You’re his helper. You’re doing this to provide helpful information so your husband can make the most godly decision possible. Think of yourself as a surgical nurse handing your husband, the surgeon, the instruments he asks for at the right time. You hand him that retractor, and that’s where your role ends. He takes it from there.

Once you’ve provided your input, again reassure your husband that you’ll continue to pray for him and gladly support whatever decision he makes, and let him take it from there. Bear a few things in mind that may help:

The Bible doesn’t command you to join this particular church, but it does command you to respect and submit to your husband.
This is a situation God is using to sanctify you. Be sure you’re being obedient to Him as you walk through it.
Matthew 7:12, the Golden Rule, tells us to treat others the way we want to be treated. If the shoe were on the other foot and you felt strongly against joining a certain church for what you had determined was a good reason, would you want your husband to insist on joining?
God could very well be using your husband’s uneasiness about the masks to keep you from joining a church He doesn’t want you to join, or to protect you from something that could happen in the future. What if, instead of submitting to your husband, you insist that your family join this church, your husband gives in, and a year from now the church implodes in some sort of horribly sinful situation? How are you going to feel then? How is your husband going to feel?

About 20+ years ago, I was a member of a church whose women’s ministry was just getting started, and they decided to kick things off with a Beth Moore Bible study. Well, Beth wasn’t as well known back then as she is now, and I had no idea what discernment was. So before shelling out the money for the book, I went to the library and checked it out to see if I liked it.

I didn’t. Beth’s writing style grated on my last nerve. It was the literary equivalent of a hummingbird flitting from one thing to the next and doubling back every two seconds. I knew there was no way I’d make it through that book without throwing it up against the wall, so I chose not to sign up for the class.

Imagine if I had signed up for it and had gotten hooked on Beth Moore. But God used something so stupid and inconsequential as my irritation at her writing style to protect me from what could have been years of deception. He could be doing the same kind of thing in your situation. You never know, so it’s always best to obey Scripture and submit to your husband. Even if your husband turns out to be wrong, you still did the right thing.X

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Christian women, Marriage, Prayer

Prayers for a Godly Marriage

April 30, 2026April 29, 2026 Michelle Lesley

Marriage. It’s a gracious gift and blessing of God. Do you pray for your husband regularly? Do you pray for yourself as his wife? Here are some of the prayers I pray daily for my husband and for myself, that the Lord will help us to be godly spouses for one another and for His glory. If you find them helpful, feel free to download or screenshot them to use as wallpaper on your phone or other device (double click or open in a new tab to enlarge), or print them out to keep in your Bible.

Holidays (Other), Marriage

Love and Marriage

February 12, 2026February 12, 2026 Michelle Lesley

Originally published February 11, 2022

Love is in the air….

Valentine’s Day is this week, and you’re probably being bombarded from every angle with the world’s idea of love, romance, and marriage. But what does the Bible have to say about that? And how about some “been there, done that” godly counsel from your older sisters in Christ?

Between us, my A Word Fitly Spoken podcast co-host, Amy Spreeman and I have over 60 years experience as wives. We recently sat down and recorded Love and Marriage, an episode about biblical love and godly marriage. Have you listened yet?

You might also enjoy some of my articles on marriage:

A No-Bull Marriage: Four Lessons from Mr. & Mrs. Samson

The Mailbag: I “feel led” in a different direction from my husband

9 Ways NOT to Fight with Your Husband

My Husband Brought Me Flowers Today

Marriage: It’s My Pity Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To ~ 7 Ways to Take Your Focus Off Yourself and Put it Back on Christ

Other articles on marriage

Or maybe you’re single and you’d like to hear what Scripture says to you:

Thinking about watching a romantic movie with your sweetie? Check out my review of this one: Redeeming Love: Rants, Raves, and Reviews.

And, if you’re looking for some sentimental classic CCM love songs¹ for V-Day (my husband and I had the first four in our wedding :0) …

(My husband and I recorded this duet together before our wedding
and had it played during our unity candle.)

¹I’m not recommending or endorsing any of these musicians. Some of them are fine. Some aren’t. Vet anybody you’re considering following.

Holidays (Other)

50 Ways to Have a Happy (and Holy) Valentine’s Day

February 11, 2026February 4, 2026 Michelle Lesley

Originally published February 11, 2021

The world has all kinds of ideas about how you and your “significant other” should spend Valentine’s Day. Some aren’t too bad, but others are downright depraved. Want some ideas of things you and your husband, kids, friends, or church family can do together instead? How about these? Have fun!

Want some ideas of things you and your husband, kids, friends, or church family can do together on Valentine’s Day? Check these out!
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1. Invite your Sunday School class or small group over for desserts and fellowship.

2. Snuggle up under the covers and read the Old Testament book of Song of Solomon with your husband.

3. Have a get together with your single friends.

4. Visit a local tourist attraction you’ve never been to before.

5. Volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center.

6. Go antiquing.

7. Go on a miniature golf date with your husband.

8. Have a snowball fight- parents versus kids.

9. Invite another couple to go to a canvas painting place.

10. Play Twister.

11. Re-read your favorite book.

12. Go for a mother-daughter mani/pedi.

13. Fingerpaint with the kids.

14. Take a nap.

15. Cook dinner with your husband.

16. Plan a family game night.

17. Have a pillow fight.

18. Go shopping with the girls.

19. Schedule a family photo session.

20. Roast marshmallows over the fire.

21. Bake cookies for some of the shut-ins in your church.

22. Trade skills. Teach your husband how to do a small task he doesn’t know how to do (make a pie crust, fold a fitted sheet…) and let him teach you how to do something (change a tire, tie a tie…).

23. Play frisbee at the park as a family.

24. Play with your pet.

25. Hand out tracts and share the gospel at the mall.

26. Babysit for a single mom.

27. Get out the play dough and play with the kids.

28. Plan a family hike.

29. Host a Bible study in your home.

30. Get the whole family cuddled up on the couch and take turns with your husband telling “when I was a kid” stories to the kids.

31. Clean out a closet.

32. Watch a (clean) romantic movie with your husband.

33. Have a family haiku-writing contest.

34. Play video games with the kids.

35. Jump on a trampoline.

36. Invite a couple for dinner that you and your husband would like to get to know better.

37. Binge watch your favorite classic TV series.

38. Pray for and write a letter to a missionary as a family.

39. Check out a class or community event at your local library.

40. Plan a family vacation.

41. Look up and read every Bible verse with the word love in it.

42. Get some friends together to sing a few hymns at a nursing home.

43. Write and exchange love letters with your husband.

44. Have a tickle fight.

45. Go out to dinner at a restaurant you’ve never tried before.

46. Get a facial.

47. Gather some girlfriends and volunteer at a battered women’s shelter.

48. Get a couple’s massage.

49. Flip through old photo albums with the kids.

50. Take a bubble bath.

What are some other fun
Valentine’s activities you can think of?

Mailbag

The Mailbag: Potpourri (Non-Christian students at Christian schools?… Christian women & sports?… Conviction over an intimate act…)

January 13, 2026January 12, 2026 Michelle Lesley

Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question.

Or maybe I answered your question already? Check out my article The Mailbag: Top 10 FAQs to see if your question has been answered and to get some helpful resources.

Should Bible believing private schools allow non-Christian families to enroll?

It’s a great question, and I think the answer could rightly be yes or no depending on the school, its purpose, and those leading it.

Many, many moons ago in the 1980’s, I attended and graduated from a Christian school. (It was a pre-K through 12 school. I attended 9th-11th grade there, and graduated at the end of my 11th grade year.) My mother was also a science and math teacher there, so I was privy to some of the administrative goings on.

I taught kindergarten for a couple of years at a private Christian school.

Three of my children attended private Christian schools at various times during their middle and high school years. I served on the board of one of them since it was a ministry of our church.

What my experience as a Christian school student, teacher, parent, and board member has taught me is that there are typically two main types of students whose parents enroll them in a Christian school:

Christian parents who want to protect their children from the ungodliness and violence of the public school system and give them a Christ-centered education
Non-Christian parents with a child whose behavior problems are so bad that either a) the child has been expelled from other schools and the Christian school is the only one that will take him, or b) the child is on the road to expulsion, and the parents see a Christian school as a way to straighten him out.

All of the schools I mentioned above sought to provide a quality, Christ-centered education and environment to students, and all were a mixture of those two main types of students.

So long as the “type 2” students outwardly conformed to the rules and the environment, things went well. But that rarely happened for long, and serious and disruptive discipline problems often arose. (Imagine what your church would be like if, say, unrepentant criminals were forced by their probation officers to attend and participate, and it will give you some idea of the conflict-laden environment.)

I would be interested to see what it would look like for a Christian school to “specialize” in only “type 1” or “type 2” students. Personally, I think that would work better, but there are people with far more expertise and professional experience in the field of Christian education than I who could give better insight and wisdom than I can.

I love fitness and recently have been thinking about getting more involved in volleyball, but I’m concerned about whether it’s okay for women to be involved in sports – and then concerned about its appropriateness whether a woman is playing against other women or other men (or a mixed group of people).

Well, we are really traveling back down memory lane in The Mailbag today, because, while I was a student at the aforementioned Christian school, I was also on the volleyball team! I am not athletically inclined, and it’s the only sport I ever enjoyed or was marginally any good at. But anyway…

I can’t think of anything in Scripture that would prohibit or even discourage women from being involved in recreational-level sports, especially if the purpose for doing so is exercise and fitness. While we’re not to focus on strengthening our bodies to the exclusion of strengthening ourselves spiritually, God’s Word is clear that our bodies are a gift from God and that we’re to steward them well because they house the Holy Spirit and are the means by which we’re able to physically serve Him and others.

To that end, many churches offer sports or exercise classes. When I was growing up, my local Baptist association of churches had a softball league among all the churches with children’s, youth, men’s, and women’s teams. It can be a lot of fun to fellowship together while getting some exercise!

But I don’t think co-ed sports are wise. We’ve seen enough of the pitfalls of men inserting themselves into women’s sports in news story after news story. Women get injured because men are stronger, bigger, and more powerful (or men have to hold themselves back and be extremely careful not to injure women). Healthy competition comes to a standstill because men usually win. Many women’s sports uniforms are immodest. There are just too many issues that arise, especially for Christians, when sports aren’t sex-segregated.

If you’re married, discuss it with your husband. If you’re not (or you need further input), bounce it off 😀 a godly older woman in your church or set (but not bump or spike!) up an appointment with your pastor for counsel.

The following question deals with sexual intercourse in marriage. It was asked in an appropriate, non-detailed way, and I’ve answered it in the same way, but if you think there may be any potential for temptation of your imagination, please skip this question and answer.

I would like to ask you what specific intimate acts in the marriage bed are sinful and if either spouse has the authority to demand it and withhold intimacy all together if the demand isn’t met regardless of how long said act has been practiced in their relationship.

If one spouse grows in Christ and becomes uncomfortable with this certain act commonly practiced and over time convicted that it is sin for them to continue to engage in and the other spouse feels unfairly treated (cheated) due to this conviction and desire to stop doing it and this specific issue is seriously threatening the marriage. The person feeling cheated has stopped attending worship and stopped engaging in family worship, and is not willing to seek elder/church or any counsel although claims to be in Christ and convinced they are right.

Please address respecting the conscience of the other person if a specific act is not clearly forbidden in scripture but can be indirectly defended by scripture by stressing the natural function of the woman vs unnatural.

I apologize for being a little vague. I know it is a topic the church shys away from and I believe many couples struggle in the area of intimacy and are afraid to go to their church about it due to embarrassment of one or both spouses.

How would you counsel both spouses in this situation? Specifically the spouse who is no longer comfortable with the act and is seeking help. Or who (other than the local church) would you direct them to for help.

Should the conscience be violated for the sake of saving the marriage and “being submissive to each other”?

Wow. There’s a lot going on here, and I’m afraid I can’t be of much specific help without more specific details (which I do not want; please don’t send them), but I’ll do my best.

I would like to ask you what specific intimate acts in the marriage bed are sinful…

I’m sorry, but there’s no way I can – or will – answer that. Even if it were appropriate for this venue (it’s not), my knowledge of what I can only imagine to be hundreds of possible acts of intimacy is – praise God for His mercy and protection – extremely limited.

You and your husband should not be participating in any acts which:

the Bible specifically prohibits (lust {for other people; sexual desire for your spouse is biblical and not properly termed “lust”}, pornography, bestiality, rape, homosexuality, prostitution, adultery, or anything that would fall under the category of sexual immorality), or fantasizing about or pretending to do any of these things
are illegal
involve other sins or things the Bible prohibits (e.g. drunkenness)
intentionally harm, humiliate, or injure yourself or your spouse (the entire posture of Scripture is that we’re to steward our own bodies for God’s glory and we’re to love, care for, and protect others, laying aside our own desires)

…if either spouse has the authority to demand it and withhold intimacy all together if the demand isn’t met…

Spouses should not be “demanding” anything – sexual or not – from one another. Marriage, and the Christian life itself, are about dying to self, loving others, and laying your life down for them. That’s what Jesus did for us.

It is also unbiblical to deny your spouse sex (except temporarily, for the purpose of prayer, and then, only by agreement). God is crystal clear about that in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5:

The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

If one spouse grows in Christ and becomes uncomfortable with this certain act…and…convicted that it is sin for them to continue to engage in and the other spouse feels unfairly treated (cheated) due to this conviction…

It’s understandable that the spouse who does not feel convicted about this particular act you’ve been doing for years would feel cheated when it’s suddenly taken away. S/he might even feel a bit judged, too.

I would encourage the spouse with the conviction about the act to do two things:

First, your convictions must be informed by rightly handled Scripture. By way of example: some people have a strong conviction that alcohol is sinful. But that is not a biblical conviction, because Scripture does not teach that alcohol is sinful. It teaches that drunkenness is sinful. I would urge you to search the Scriptures and consider the bullet point list I gave above, and make sure your conviction is based on rightly handled Scripture.

Second, think creatively (yet still biblically), and see if there’s some sort of compromise you can reach with your non-convicted spouse. Perhaps there’s a part of the act you’re not convicted is wrong that you could still do, or you could adjust the act in some sort of way you both agree on that you would not be convicted about.

Do whatever you can, biblically, and in good conscience, to deny your spouse as little as possible.

The person feeling cheated has stopped attending worship and stopped engaging in family worship, and is not willing to seek elder/church or any counsel although claims to be in Christ and convinced they are right.

I’m sorry, but this is not the fruit of someone who has been genuinely regenerated. Punishing your spouse, or lashing out against God, by sinning (disobeying God’s commands to gather with the church and properly lead or participate in worship in the family setting) because you’ve been denied a sex act is the fruit of a lost person, not a saved person. At a minimum, this spouse should be under church discipline for his/her failure to gather, and if it gets to step 3 (bringing it before the church), the reason for failing to gather is going to come out to the pastor and elders whether s/he likes it or not.

Please address respecting the conscience of the other person if a specific act is not clearly forbidden in Scripture…

Scripture is clear that we are not to sin against our own consciences. It is, therefore, sinful to force, pressure, or manipulate someone else – let alone your spouse! – to sin against his/her conscience.

but can be indirectly defended by scripture by stressing the natural function of the woman vs. unnatural.

I’m sorry, I don’t know what this means the way you’ve worded it, and I don’t think it would be wise for me to try to figure it out.

All I can advise you – touching back to the issue of making sure your conscience is informed by rightly handled Scripture – is that this phraseology comes from Romans 1:26-27, which is specifically about homosexuality. If you’re applying the phrase, “the natural function of woman” to anything other than homosexuality, like, “I’m post-menopausal. The natural function of sex for women is to have babies. Therefore, I don’t want to have sex any more because sex for post-menopausal women is not the natural function,” you would be using that passage out of context, your conscience would not be biblically informed, and you’d be violating 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. (I know it’s not the greatest example, but, hopefully, you get what I’m saying.)

I believe many couples struggle in the area of intimacy and are afraid to go to their church about it due to embarrassment of one or both spouses.

Yeah. Everybody’s got to get over that. My husband used to be a pastor. I’ve had dozens of pastors as friends over the years. Trust me, in most cases, whatever you need to disclose to your pastor about your sex life, he’s heard it before and your situation probably isn’t the weirdest or most embarrassing situation he’s heard before. Get over your embarrassment – that’s just Satan’s little tool to keep you in bondage.

I would advise the couple to immediately set up an appointment with their pastor for counsel. If one of the spouses refuses to go, the other should go without him/her. Briefly explain the issue to your pastor. He may then decide to counsel the two of you himself (probably along with his wife), or he may have a godly older woman in the church counsel the wife and he or a godly older man in the church may counsel the husband, or he may suggest a certified biblical counselor. (Please read the info at the link if you’re not familiar. This is not the same as “Christian counseling,” which I would not recommend.)

Should the conscience be violated for the sake of saving the marriage and “being submissive to each other”?

No, if you conscience is informed by rightly handled Scripture, you should not violate it.

Scripture does not teach that husbands and wives are to be “submissive to each other”. It teaches that wives are to submit to their husbands. Husbands are not instructed to submit to their wives. Read Ephesians 5 in its entirety. When you do, it’s easy to see that verses 1-21 are addressed to the church. “Being subject to one another in the fear of Christ,” (verse 21) is the final instruction in the section to the church. Verses 22-33 are specifically about marriage, and verse 22 kicks that section off by saying, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands…”.

I’m so sorry this is an issue in your marriage, and I wish I could be of more help. This is just one more reason why God’s plan for Christians is the pastor and the local church. We certainly need them in situations like this.