Christian Husbands – Page 3

Originally published January 16, 2017

My husband (he says he’s a Christian) wants me to watch pornographic videos with him to improve our sex life. Is this something God would be OK with? The Bible says I’m to submit to my husband. Should I submit to him and watch the videos?

No. Nononononono. Just all the way around- no. Could I be any clearer? NO

But perhaps I should expand on that just a bit. Let’s start with some Scriptures, shall we?

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4
“sexually immoral”: πόρνους (pornous)

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:27-28

For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. Matthew 15:19
“sexual immorality”: πορνεῖαι (porneiai)

Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. Romans 13:13

But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. 1 Corinthians 5:11

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, 1 Corinthians 6:9

But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Ephesians 5:3

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8

Viewing pornography is a sin. Period. There are no circumstances whatsoever under which it could be construed as biblically acceptable, and no Scriptures that even hint that it might be OK. (Notice above that our English word “pornography” comes from the same Greek root that is translated in these verses as “sexual immorality”.) When Scripture addresses sexual relations it always teaches, both explicitly and implicitly, that all sexual activity – what you do, what you think about, what you touch, what you look at, what you listen to – whatever you experience sexually is to be within the confines of the husband-wife relationship. The people you’re watching perform sex acts in pornography are not your spouse, so pornography is outside the Bible’s parameters for sex.

Additionally, when you view pornography, you are not loving the people in that video the way Christ commands us to love others. Christ laid His life down to save us out of our sin, and we are to follow Him in that kind of self-denying, Great Commission love for others that calls them out of sin regardless of the cost to us. Christ would never have watched someone committing sexual sin for the gratification of His own flesh. It’s unthinkable that we who bear His name could do such a thing and see nothing wrong with it.

No, you should absolutely NOT submit to your husband’s sinful request to view pornography. (If you are concerned he may become violent over your refusal, get somewhere safe.) There is a hierarchy of submission, and in that hierarchy, God and His word always come first. We obey Him before anyone else. As Peter and the apostles said, “We must obey God rather than men.” If you’ll notice in the 1 Corinthians 5:11 passage above, Paul instructs the church not to have anything to do with someone who claims to be a Christian, yet is guilty of sexual immorality. If God said the church shouldn’t even break bread with someone like that, how could He want you to join your husband in his sexual immorality? You are not sinning by refusing to submit to your husband in this, he is sinning against you by asking you to submit to this.

The best way to handle this situation is outlined in 1 Peter 3:1-2:

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

and Matthew 5:16:

In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

Walk uprightly before your husband, graciously submitting to him whenever possible, and living in obedience to Christ. Be a godly witness to him in both word and deed. “How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband?”

In addition to being a godly example to your husband, this is a situation that calls for pastoral counsel if your husband persists in this behavior without repenting. Ideally, the two of you should go in for counseling from your pastor together, but if your husband refuses, you still need to go without him.

Since your husband claims to be a Christian (and I’m assuming if you both claim to be Christians you are active members of a local church), your pastor should also determine whether any formal church discipline should be imposed on your husband, and, if so, what that should entail (resigning leadership positions, meeting weekly with an elder for discipleship and counseling, etc.). This is not a punishment, but a restoration and reconciliation process, because your husband has not merely sinned against you as his wife, but also as his sister in Christ, and, therefore, against the church.

Any husband who pressures his wife to watch pornography with him is not only revealing the sinful lust of his own heart, but is also sinning against his wife by urging her to commit sexual immorality, by dishonoring her, by failing to live with her in an understanding way, by putting her in the excruciating position of having to choose between submitting to and pleasing him and submitting to and pleasing the Lord, by failing to love her sacrificially as Christ loved the church, and by caring more about gratifying his own flesh than encouraging his wife’s holiness.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:25-28

I would caution any husband who can unrepentantly and unremorsefully sin against his wife in these ways to seriously examine his heart against Scripture to discover whether or not he is, in fact, saved. The Bible is quite clear that habitual, unrepentant sexual immorality is an indication that a person is not saved.

For any husbands who have committed the sin of indulging in pornography or even pressuring your wife to watch it with you, I would encourage you to get alone with God and feel the weight of your sin against Him and against your wife. Think about the cross and how Christ suffered God’s wrath for your sin of sexual perversion.

Feel guilty. Because you are guilty.

And let that weight of guilt drive you to your knees in repentance, knowing that there is no sin so great – even this one – that God will not forgive it. Christ loves you. He wants to make you clean and set you free from slavery to pornography.

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My husband and I have been discussing this question, and he wanted to add the following thoughts, man to man, for husbands.

Scott says:

I am appalled that any man who calls himself a Christian could treat his wife in such a way. This is disgusting behavior that has no place in any man’s life, especially one who claims the name of Christ. This man is pressuring his wife to sin! I call on any husband sinning this way to be a real man, repent, and be the godly husband his wife needs.

Men, we are called to lead our wives toward holiness, so we have to strive toward holiness in our own hearts, words, and actions. If we lead our wives toward sin, we are not leading them, or loving them, the way God wants us to.

Think back to Ananias and Sapphira. Although it’s not the main point of their story, we can still learn from their marital example. We don’t know whose idea it was, originally, to hold back part of the money and lie about it, we just know that they were in agreement about it. If it was Ananias’ idea, he was setting a sinful example and leading his wife to sin (like the husband of the reader who wrote in). If it was Sapphira’s idea, Ananias still had the responsibility to love his wife enough and care enough about her holiness to put his foot down and say, “Absolutely not. We are not going to do this.”

And what about Adam and Eve? If Adam had stepped in and biblically led his wife by saying, “No, we’re not eating that fruit,” and chasing that serpent away with his garden hoe, we wouldn’t be in the mess of sin we’re in today.

God places an enormous responsibility on us as husbands to lead our families to be godly. I fail at this all the time, and I know the other Christian husbands reading this do, too. But God promises to give us the strength and the wisdom we need to lovingly lead our wives and children. And when we fail and turn to Him in repentance, He promises to forgive us.

Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work. So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.
2 Timothy 2:21-22

Additional Resources:

Is it a sin to watch pornography with my spouse? at Got Questions

Hey, Porn Addict, Stop It by Pastor Gabe Hughes

When We Understand the Text podcast episode 315 Q&A on repenting for pornography (beginning at 23:13) by Pastor Gabe Hughes

Slaying the Lust Dragon by Todd Friel

Finally Free by Todd Friel

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Holidays (Other), Marriage

Love and Marriage

February 11, 2022February 4, 2026 Michelle Lesley

Love is in the air….

It’s almost Valentine’s Day, and you’re probably getting bombarded from every angle with the world’s idea of love, romance, and marriage. But what does the Bible have to say about that? And how about some “been there, done that” godly counsel from your older sisters in Christ?

Between us, my A Word Fitly Spoken podcast co-host, Amy Spreeman and I have over 60 years experience as wives. We recently sat down and recorded Love and Marriage, an episode about biblical love and godly marriage. Have you listened yet?

You might also enjoy some of my articles on marriage:

A No-Bull Marriage: Four Lessons from Mr. & Mrs. Samson

The Mailbag: I “feel led” in a different direction from my husband

9 Ways NOT to Fight with Your Husband

My Husband Brought Me Flowers Today

Marriage: It’s My Pity Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To ~ 7 Ways to Take Your Focus Off Yourself and Put it Back on Christ

Thinking about going to a romantic movie with your sweetie? Check out my review: Redeeming Love: Rants, Raves, and Reviews.

And, if you’re looking for some sentimental classic CCM love songs¹ for V-Day (my husband and I had the first four in our wedding :0) …

(My husband and I recorded this duet together before our wedding
and had it played during our unity candle.)

¹I’m not recommending or endorsing any of these musicians. Some of them are fine. Some aren’t. Vet anybody you’re considering following.

Holidays (Other), Marriage

Throwback Thursday ~ My Husband Brought Me Flowers Today

February 10, 2022February 9, 2022 Michelle Lesley

Originally published June 27, 2014

“I’m so tired of flowers,” sighed the elderly woman in the TV commercial as my jaw hit the floor. She had just described how her husband of fifty years, seated next to her, brought her flowers on their first date, and every year since had given her the same bouquet on that day.

And she was tired of flowers.

It wasn’t enough that she had a husband who stayed with her for fifty years. Or that he actually remembered the day of their first date every year. Or that he was caring enough to send her flowers on that date. Or that he was sentimental and romantic enough to send her the same flowers every year.

No. She was tired of flowers. She wanted the product the commercial was trying to sell.

I wanted a shoe to throw at the TV.

My husband brought me flowers today. I know, in the picture they look rather more like birthday candles than flowers. That’s because, technically, my flowers were birthday candles.

I was getting ready for our youngest son’s birthday party. I had already made a trip to the store and thought I had everything I needed. Until I discovered I was nearly out of baking powder. My husband was out running errands, so I sent him a text asking if he could pick some up for me. He did. No problem. Until I remembered I didn’t have any candles for the birthday cake. And he had already left the store. And it was raining.

“And it was raining.” I say that like it’s just so pedestrian, like it’s some normal, everyday thing, which, in south Louisiana in June, I assure you, it is not. Every day, yes. Normal, no. Remember that scene in one of those ’90’s “asteroid crashes into the earth” movies where the asteroid has just hit and the man and his daughter are standing on the beach watching the huge resulting tidal wave roll in to engulf them? Well if, instead of the beach, you can imagine yourself trying to navigate a WalMart parking lot with a buggy full of groceries and four kids in tow in the middle of that tidal wave, you’ll have some idea of what monsoon season is like down here.

And you know what my husband did when I asked him to go get birthday candles in that mess? He did it gladly. No complaints. No asking, “Why didn’t you think about this sooner?” He just walked in the house, soaked and smiling, and handed me the candles.

No bouquet could have been better.

Ladies, my husband has a lot of faults. I’ll bet yours does too. Because just like us, they’re sinful human beings. Often, like the lady in the commercial, we trample over a dozen roses to plant our feet in a briar patch. We overlook the ways our husbands are a blessing to us and focus only on our complaints.

Maybe he didn’t get you exactly what you wanted for your birthday, but does he work hard every day to support your family? So, he didn’t notice your new haircut right away. Does he give the kids their bath every night? Yes, his dirty socks are constantly on the floor in front of the hamper, but didn’t he change the oil in the car yesterday?

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says:

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

The next time you’re tempted to complain about your husband’s shortcomings, why not praise God instead for a way that he has blessed you or done something admriable? And let’s make sure to thank our husbands for those little “flowers” they bring us every day.

This article was originally published at Satisfaction Through Christ.

Mailbag

The Mailbag: Husbands, pastors, and mentors- Which roles do they play in a Christian woman’s life?

January 31, 2022 Michelle Lesley

Originally published January 20, 2020

I have three questions that are kind of related to each other:

1 Corinthians 14:35 says women should ask their husbands questions at home; how does this fit with women mentoring other women in Titus 2?

Where does a husband’s role end and where does the role of a godly older woman begin in terms of teaching younger women?

Are there areas where a pastor’s authority trumps a husband’s authority?

Thank you for your help.

These are really awesome questions. I love it when women ask questions that demonstrate that they’re digging into Scripture and thinking deeply about the things of God. It’s so exciting to me!

(Before I begin answering, let me just stipulate, as I usually do in articles about marriage, that the following statements assume a normal, relatively healthy, average marriage, not abusive marriages, extremely aberrant marriages, etc. Also, it’s not my intent to leave out my single sisters, but the reader asked specifically about married women, so that’s how I’m answering the questions.)

So let’s take each question separately…

1 Corinthians 14:35 says women should ask their husbands questions at home; how does this fit with women mentoring other women in Titus 2:3-5?

The first thing we need to do when we’re addressing questions like this is to look at each of these passages in context. This is a very simple study skill that will clear up nearly all instances of supposed contradictions in Scripture.

Read 1 Corinthians 14:26-40. What is the venue for Paul’s instructions in this passage? In other words, is he telling people how to behave at home? At work? At the movies? Look at the key phrases in verses 26 (“when you come together”) and 28,33b-35 (“in church”). Paul is giving instructions for how an orderly worship service is to be conducted. He is not making a blanket statement that any time any woman wants to know anything about Scripture or God or life in general that the only person she can ever ask questions of is her husband. What he’s saying is that in order to avoid chaos in the worship service, women are to sit down and be quiet during the preaching and teaching, rather than interrupting to comment or ask questions (one of the reasons Paul says this is that the women in the Corinthian church were doing just that – interrupting the preaching and teaching with questions and comments). If you read further in chapter 14, you’ll notice he places similar restrictions on prophesying and speaking in other languages to prevent chaos and confusion during the worship service. I’ve discussed this passage in further detail in my article Rock Your Role ~ Order in His Courts: Silencing Women?

Now read Titus 2. What’s the main idea of this chapter? Is it the same as the main idea of 1 Corinthians 14 – instructions for an orderly worship service? No. Verse 12 gives a nice summary of chapter 2: “renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age.” That’s what this chapter is about. “Titus, here’s what your church members (and you) are to do and how they’re to conduct themselves as they go about the business of living as Christians in this world and in community with one another.” The older women teaching and training the younger women in verses 3-5 is not taking place during the worship service, but as these women go about daily life with one another. Today, this kind of teaching and training takes place in women’s Bible study classes, women’s fellowship groups, and in one on one discipleship, not in, nor instead of, the gathering of the whole church for worship.

So as we can see when we examine the context of both passages, 1 Corinthians 14:35 and Titus 2:3-5 are not in conflict, they’re actually in harmony, addressing two distinct ways women are to conduct themselves in two completely different venues.

Where does a husband’s role end and where does the role of a godly older woman begin in terms of teaching younger women?

I don’t think it’s really that discrete and linear, i.e. the husband teaches this list of topics the wife needs to be taught about and the godly older woman teaches that list of topics she needs to be taught about, and never the twain shall meet. It’s a much more informal and “whatever is needful at the moment” type of thing. Additionally, it’s going to vary from marriage to marriage. Some women have unsaved husbands. Some women are newly saved with husbands who have been saved for decades. Some husbands and wives are very private about everything, some are very open to others. So the balance between who (husband or older woman mentor) teaches what, and how much, and when, is going to look different in every marriage.

I would just offer a few guidelines:

• After your relationship with Christ, if you’re married, your highest allegiance is to your husband. He should be your best friend and first confidant, not a woman who’s mentoring you (or even your mother, sister, or female best friend). He should never feel like he’s in competition for your time, interest, or affinity with the woman who’s mentoring you, or that you esteem her on the same (or, perish the thought, higher) level of loyalty or emotional intimacy with him. If you’ve gotten that close to your mentor, you’re too close. Turn your attention toward your husband.

• Along those same lines, always keep in mind that God instructs you to submit to your husband, not your mentor. The only time you should ever follow your mentor’s advice over your husband’s desires is if your husband is asking you to do something the Bible clearly calls sin and your mentor is advising you to obey Scripture instead. (But even in that case, you’re not really choosing your mentor over your husband, you’re choosing to obey God rather than to sin.)

• There are some things that are private between a husband and wife that shouldn’t be shared with anyone, including a mentor. Which things? Again, that’s going to vary from marriage to marriage, but a few no no’s might include the private details of your sex life, your finances, and anything your husband would be embarrassed for someone else to know. Talk with your husband and ask if there’s anything he would rather you didn’t share with your mentor.

Are there areas where a pastor’s authority trumps a husband’s authority?

It really depends on what you have in mind when you ask that question.

If you’re talking about personal decisions made between a husband and wife, let’s say, for instance, whether or not to move to a certain part of town or whether or not the wife should take a part time job, it is not the pastor’s place to step in and overrule the husband’s decision, nor should the pastor have any expectation that the couple would obey any edicts he issues. If the couple goes to him for counseling or asks for his advice, he can certainly give it, but we never see any place in Scripture where a pastor has authority over another family’s decisions. The husband is responsible before God for leading his family, not the pastor.

But if you’re talking about a situation in the church, then yes, a pastor’s (or the elders’) authority – assuming he’s abiding by Scripture – trumps a husband’s authority, and pretty much every other church member’s authority as well. For example, a husband does not have the authority to walk up to the pastor and say, “I’m going to let my wife preach the sermon next Sunday,” or “My wife is going to take over this Sunday School classroom and use it as her personal office.”. If a husband were to say something like that, the pastor is well within his authority as shepherd of the church to say, “Oh no she’s not.”. The buck stops with the pastor when it comes to how the church runs, and he is responsible before God for making godly decisions for the church.

I’m aware that there are aberrant, fringe “churches” (many of them are some stripe of New Apostolic Reformation or extreme legalism/fundamentalism) out there in which the “pastor” has ultimate authority over every decision a family makes: where they live, how many children they have, what to name their children, whether and where each spouse should work, etc. If you’re in a so-called church like that, leave immediately and find a doctrinally sound church to join. A church doesn’t plunge to that depth of spiritual abuse without succumbing to other dangerous false doctrines along the way.

Christian women, Discernment

Throwback Thursday ~ Women In Combat

June 24, 2021March 26, 2025 Michelle Lesley

Originally published March 18, 2016

Over the last few months, there’s been a lot of talk about the possibility of future U.S. military drafts including young women in addition to young men. I’ve admired godly male friends who have spoken out vehemently against this and expressed concern about the government trying to press their daughters or wives into service. Some even vowed to lay their lives down protecting their women from having to face the horrors and dangers of war.

But I wonder if these men – husbands, fathers, pastors, elders – know that many of their wives, daughters, and sisters in Christ are already in the trenches fighting off the enemy with every ounce of our strength and every weapon at our disposal.

It’s not a war for territory or political control or freedom from dictatorial tyranny.

It’s a battle for the purity of the Bride. And the souls of our sisters.

Daily. Weekly. At church. On line. In our families. We strap on our Swords, march out to the front and engage in hand to hand combat with the Enemy.

His troops: false teachers.

His weapon of mass destruction: false doctrine.

Sometimes we stand as a shield between grenade-lobbing grunts and weak sisters who don’t know how to fight, or even that they’re in a war. Who want nothing more than to knock us down into the mud as they desert our King and join our foes.

Sometimes we infiltrate the enemy camp to bring back intelligence on his troops to our commanders and generals, only to be ignored, reprimanded, or dishonorably discharged from the unit.

Sometimes we stand as guards at the walls of our churches, watching the adversary advance, sounding the alarm, and standing in stunned disbelief as our commanding officers smilingly welcome the enemy troops through the gate.

Why? Why, in a field of pink, are there so few Green Berets? Why is it that so many women are out on the front lines battling this insidious rival while most of our brothers in arms seem to be AWOL?

As Steve Lawson famously said a few years ago, “Give us some men who know the truth!”

And to that I respond with a hearty amen. But with much love and respect to Brother Steve, I would add:

Give us some men who will DEFEND the truth.

And the weak women the enemy seeks to capture.

And the strong women who should be protected, working safely away from the line of fire to support the troops and nurse the casualties back to health.

Give us men who will…

…thoroughly vet any curricula, books, or materials used by their church’s Bible study classes.

…train all of their church’s teachers to properly handle and exegete the word of God.

…take a close look at the authors of the books and blogs their wives or church members are reading and the speakers at the conferences and retreats they’re attending.

…examine the doctrine of the singers their daughters or youth listen to and the leaders of the youth camps they attend.

…speak out with godly boldness (not jerkiness- godly boldness) against false doctrine and false teachers on social media, in Sunday School, in the sanctuary, in their homes, and in every arena in which they have influence.

…join the few brave brothers who are already standing in the gap to present a united front to ward off the enemy.

Godly men on active duty in their churches, homes, and in the public square are out there. I’m privileged to know several. But they need a bigger band of brothers to join them in fighting the good fight.

We need men who will gird up, gear up, and stand up. Because some women in combat are wounded, battle fatigued, and in need of some R&R. And we can’t keep fighting this battle without a few more good men.