Christian Parenting – Page 2

The Mailbag: Potpourri (Book rec on being a godly sister?… Pants war with parents… Why isn’t ___ on the false teacher list?)

June 25, 2024August 7, 2024 Michelle Lesley

Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question.

I like to take the opportunity in these potpourri editions to let new readers know about my comments/e-mail/messages policy. I’m not able to respond individually to most e-mails and messages, so here are some helpful hints for getting your questions answered more quickly. Remember, the search bar (at the very bottom of each page) can be a helpful tool!

Or maybe I answered your question already? Check out my article The Mailbag: Top 10 FAQs to see if your question has been answered and to get some helpful resources.

My oldest daughter is turning 12 this week, and I see a lot of heart issues in her that I would like to help her with. She is a triplet, and also has three younger siblings, and I think she feels like she doesn’t get as much attention from me because of the neediness of the other children, which has turned into bitterness and disrespectful attitudes in her. Is there a book that you know of that I could take her through that would help us both with these things? Really, anything directed at her age discussing how to be a godly older sister. I want to be a good mom for her, raising her to be a kind and loving older sister, but I feel like I am failing.

Being a mom is pretty challenging, and we all have moments and seasons when we feel like we’re failing. Ask the best, most godly mom you know, and I’m sure she’ll agree. Sometimes, it’s because we have failed, which means we need to repent – to God and to our children – and obey Him. But often, we take those feelings of failure upon ourselves when we’re truly doing our best, and/or when the situation is unavoidable or isn’t our fault.

Let me give you a few resources that may help…

First, you’ll want to get your own heart and mind in order – according to Scripture – about your feelings of failure. Check out my article: Guilt and Shame- Burden or Blessing?

Next, I’d like to suggest you read my article You Don’t Need *A* Book, You Need *THE* Book. Christians are readers, and that’s a good thing, but a book written by another human being isn’t always the best thing. Find out why, and what’s better. You might also enjoy my article Avoiding the Creepers: Six Ways to Raise a Biblically Strong Woman.

Your daughter is the perfect age for the two of you to study the Bible together. If she’s not yet a Believer, you’ll want to explain the gospel to her. If she is a Believer, study through a book of the Bible together. The Bible is a book, it’s directed at her age, and it addresses all of the things you’ve mentioned both textually and transformatively. (If I may be a little blunt: your daughter needs godly parenting from the best people for the job – you and your husband – and either salvation or sanctification by the Holy Spirit more than she needs to read a book written by someone else.) If you’d like, the two of you might also enjoy working through my Bible study Imperishable Beauty: A Study of Biblical Womanhood. Studying Scripture together will also help address the issue of her feeling like she’s not getting enough attention from you.

And don’t forget to pray for your daughter on your own, with your husband, and with her. Prayer is also transformative. It will help you, your husband, and your daughter get on the same page with God.

Finally, let your church be the resource for you that God wants it to be. This is a textbook Titus 2:3-5 situation. Find a godly older woman in your church or in your family, and ask for her help and guidance. If you don’t know anyone like that, set up an appointment with your pastor for counsel and ask him to point you in the direction of a godly older woman who can disciple you through this.

Although doctrinally sound books can sometimes be helpful, the means and methods God has prescribed in Scripture – the Word, prayer, and the church – should always be our “Plan A”.

I’m 19 years of age and I’m currently at war with my parents because I told them I wanted to start wearing pants. They believe my salvation is not real because I’m going against Deuteronomy 22:5…..And it has made me so confused about my stand with God. Am I really sinning against God or am I misunderstanding something?

I think there’s definitely some misunderstanding and some sin going on here, but maybe not like you might be thinking. Let’s sort it out according to Scripture.

In and of itself, it is not a sin for a Christian woman to wear modest women’s pants. If your parents genuinely think you’re not saved solely because you want to wear modest women’s pants, then they are misunderstanding Deuteronomy 22:5 (and possibly the New Testament concept of Christians being under the covenant of grace rather than the Mosaic covenant). I’ve explained all of this in detail in my article The Mailbag: May Christian Women Wear Pants?.

However there are sins being committed in this situation that you may not have considered. If you’re “at war” with your parents about this or any other issue of adiaphora/Christian liberty, you’re probably committing the sins of pride, dishonoring/disobeying your parents, failing to live at peace with them so far as you’re able, and failing to bear with their weakness in this area. (Your parents may also be committing some of these sins as well as provoking you to anger, but you can only control whether or not you’re sinning, and how you react to their sins.) I would encourage you to study the Scriptures I’ve linked here, ask God to humble you and help you understand whether or not you’ve sinned in any of these areas, and, if you have, repent – to God and to your parents.

Now, there is one more dynamic at play here: It doesn’t sound like you’re married, so are you still living under your parents’ roof and/or financial support (e.g. You live in a dorm or apartment they’re paying for, they’re paying for your education, etc.) or are you living on your own and supporting yourself? Those are two different kettles of fish.

Your parents have the right to make the rules for their house, and they have the right to decide what they will and won’t support financially, even if those rules and conditions seem wrong, ridiculous, or unfair to you. At nineteen, you are an adult, and you have the right to decide whether you want to live under those rules in their house, and whether you want to abide by the conditions under which they will financially support you. It’s just a question of which is more important to you at this point in your life – housing and financial support or wearing pants. If you want to live at their house and/or receive their money, you need to humble yourself and abide by their rules without complaining. If you want to wear pants, you need to move out and pay your own way.

A few final thoughts:

If you’re still living at home or receiving financial support from your parents, you can lovingly and humbly ask if they might be open to the compromise of you wearing split skirts or palazzo pants / skirts. Go into this conversation prepared to graciously accept an answer of “no”.

Give 1 Peter 3:1-6 a good study. This passage is not about the parent-child relationship, but about Christian wives softening their unsaved husbands’ hearts to the gospel by their godly, submissive behavior. Are there any principles you can glean from this passage that can be applied to your relationship with your parents as you submit to their authority in their home and under their financial support?

When you do move out and support yourself, you’re free to wear modest women’s pants whenever you like, but Scripture doesn’t allow us to exercise our Christian liberties in ways that unnecessarily offend others. In other words, when you go visit your parents, put on a skirt.

I am curious as to why Kenneth Copeland and Rhema Bible College [founded by Kenneth Hagin] are NOT on your list of false teachers. Thank you for your ministry but I believe these are important ones to highlight as well.

I agree, the two Kenneths are/were rank heretics, and Rhema “Bible” College knows nothing of the Bible. No one should have anything to do with any of them.

Here’s why they (and a number of other blatant heretics) are not listed at my Popular False Teachers & Unbiblical Trends tab (in the blue menu bar at the top of this page). Let’s start with an excerpt from that page that perhaps you didn’t see:

Please understand that this is not a comprehensive list of every false teacher in existence (there are thousands of them, so that would be impossible)… I provide information here largely in answer to questions from my readers. In other words, if you don’t see it, it’s either because I haven’t been asked about it, or I haven’t had time to get to it yet. The names you see are simply some of the most well-known teachers my readers have inquired about.

Generally speaking, my audience consists mostly of Christian women in passable to vibrantly doctrinally sound churches. They’re not asking me if the Kenneths are false teachers; they can watch or listen to five minutes of either of those guys and know.

Women who are so undiscerning that they’re following these guys are almost certainly not saved (and aren’t following me). What they need is to repent and believe the gospel, or they’re neither going to understand why, nor believe that the Kenneths are heretics, and, like the pigs and dogs they are, spiritually speaking, they’re going to turn and attack me for trying to convince them

There are tens of thousands of false teachers out there. I am one person with a husband, family, church responsibilities, friends, a podcast, speaking engagements, and other topics I have to blog about. I have to spend my time, not on the obvious false teachers, but on the more subtle ones my readers are actually asking about.

I have also attempted to help out readers who don’t find the false teacher they’re looking for on the list (again, from my Popular False Teachers & Unbiblical Trends page):

Don’t see the name of the teacher you’re looking for in the lists below? Check out my article Is She a False Teacher? 7 Steps to Figuring It Out on Your Own.

In this article, you’ll not only learn how to research teachers for yourself (a skill every Christian should develop), you’ll also find a list of trustworthy discernment ministries who may have the information you’re looking for.

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Share Your Testimony

By the Word of Their Testimony: Holli’s Story

June 12, 2024June 11, 2024 Michelle Lesley

Note from Michelle: Ladies, if you’ve been around the blog for a while, you might remember Testimony Tuesday which featured testimonies from my readers. I never wanted Testimony Tuesday to go away, I just stopped receiving testimonies from y’all. Let’s reignite Testimony Tuesday under its new name, By the Word of Their Testimony. See my end note for how to share your story.

Holli Solenberger’s Story:
Priscilla Shirer and Letting Go

Aside from leaving my last church, this ranks a close second to the hardest I’ve had to submit to the Lord’s pruning out of my life.

I first saw Priscilla Shirer in the movie War Room. I was at a former church a few years ago – when War Room was in theatres. The ladies’ small group at that church was going together, and with everything going on, I felt I needed that community, so I went.

What resonated in my heart during that movie – I was not prepared for. You know how a movie changes your perspective, or speaks to a part of your life that is needed? This was my reaction. It was so strong, that it served almost like a catalyst – very similar to when you hear a new song and you love it so much, you want to find more by that same singer? I had to find out more about Priscilla.

I was really surprised to find out she was the daughter of Tony Evans – who (at the time) I thought was Biblical, so that association made me think, “surely she is solid too – she was in a Christian movie – I have to find her teachings!” So, I searched on YouTube, and found more – and that was it for me. She spoke to my heart, she’s a momma of boys like me, she was relatable, funny, and seemed genuine. On so many points, I was an instant fan.

I dove down into finding many of her teachings and watched them back to back. If it spoke to my heart, it got a green light – period. She talked about Jesus, and God, and Christianity, so I thought she was okay.

I NEVER EVER bothered to check out what she was teaching with what the Bible says. Ever.

As I have pled with others to be discerning, I speak from true repentance – because I have never been discerning as God says to be. I chose to accept what people said as truth – without seeing what the Bible says. I loosely and wrongly allowed things people said into my beliefs (the fancy word is theology) without reading what God thought about their beliefs. And I have no excuse. It’s all there in the Bible. But if what somebody said sounded good, I didn’t look in God’s Word.

And to be blunt… looking back… I really believe I didn’t look because I didn’t want to. I felt good and knew – I believe at least subconsciously – if I looked, and was convicted if God says differently, I’d have to let go what made me feel that way. I know I am not the only one to do this. I’ve met thousands of people that – like me – chose to be misled into what the Bible says are myths and fables (which is what it mentions any truth apart from God’s truth).

I really believe I didn’t look because I didn’t want to. I felt good and knew – I believe at least subconsciously – if I looked, and was convicted if God says differently, I’d have to let go what made me feel that way.

I talk a lot about letting go of things and people that were precious to me. I still love many of them. But I know they aren’t good for me, so because God requires in His Word to choose – you can’t have both, you can’t have one foot in things He says are wrong, and the other in things He says are ok – that is SO painful.
SO painful to let go of. To submit to Him. This is what I mean when I talk about living with open palms. It means being willing to let go of anything God says is not okay – even if your heart doesn’t want to.

Well…one day, in the middle of my youngest son’s hardest time (so far) in his little life, I heard Priscilla was going to be speaking at her father’s church – about 30 minutes away from me. I cleared my calendar, got dressed, and went to see her. There was a worship/singing part, followed by her speaking. I was so enthused to see the woman I felt God used in my life in person, I don’t even remember what she talked about.

When she was done, I waited for nearly an hour to speak with her one on one for just a few minutes. She saw me waiting and kept telling me to hold on and hold on, so I did. And when she got to me, I just lost it. I cried and cried – I knew whatever I said had to be to the point, because many others were waiting still. As the tears fell, she started crying too, as I told her, “I want to thank you for God using you in my life! I’ve been through so much and I saw you in War Room and ever since I have watched your teachings and I’m so grateful for you being used by Him in so many ways!” We hugged then, a tight but quick hug, then took a selfie.

Priscilla and Holli

Fast forward to the past few months…God didn’t just lead me to leave my last church! He led me to give up so, so much more – including Priscilla. This has been just as painful. When things speak into our pain, in deep ways – oh my, my, my. That is just heartbreaking to open our clenched fists and submit…to….God.
I only speak about my own convictions, and I share openly – knowing many will be hateful to me, hurtful, talk about me, treat me harshly, because they would rather live with their fists tightly closed. They aren’t ready.

And there is nothing I can do to change that. I am only a vessel. It is God’s sovereignty that chooses if – or when – others are convicted, like I was. I share – knowing the repercussions – for the very few that the Lord will, as He has me in His kindness and mercy, give ears to hear – and a soft heart towards Him and His Word. And hopefully open their palms too.

This is one of many things that God has brought about, that’s about Priscilla – but I submit to you that though there are many God calls us to let go of, for the false things are everywhere, there is but one Standard that we hold everything and everyone up to – God’s Word.

I pray this helps you not only with Priscilla but to see through this example written about, why being a Berean is so important.

Wayback Wednesday ~ Follow On

June 5, 2024June 4, 2024 Michelle Lesley

Originally published July 29, 2010

Again the next day John was standing with two of his disciples, and he looked at Jesus as He walked, and said, “Behold, the Lamb of God!” The two disciples heard him speak, and they followed Jesus. And Jesus turned and saw them following, and said to them, “What do you seek?” They said to Him, “Rabbi (which translated means Teacher), where are You staying?” He said to them, “Come, and you will see.” So they came and saw where He was staying; and they stayed with Him that day, for it was about the tenth hour. John 1:35-39

When we speak of “following Jesus” today, we mean that we follow in His footsteps figuratively. We keep His teachings. We obey Him. We submit to His leadership.

But when Jesus was physically present on earth, people were literally able to follow Him. Around. As in, walking right behind Him. Maybe even stepping on the backs of His sandals like my children do to me sometimes.

Which got me to thinking. Why do people follow other people around? And who are these people who follow other people around? And why are my children and my dog always following me around? And why does it annoy me when my children and my dog follow me around? (Ok, I haven’t figured that one out yet, but there’s some kind of a sin issue in there somewhere, I’m sure.)

Who?
First of all, you don’t usually see an adult following another adult around unless one of them is a stalker. But there are a some occasions in which it might be appropriate and legal, for example, if the person being followed is a tour guide, or if the person being followed is a seasoned employee training a new hire. Much of the time, literal followers are children. And at my house, the dog.

Why?
Why do people follow people around? Think about it– have you ever followed somebody around? Why did you do it? Do people follow you around? Why do they do it?

People generally follow another person around because:

a.) they are interested in what that person is doing,
or
b.) they want to learn from that person,
or
c.) they have no idea where they’re going and the person they’re following does.

That’s why people followed Jesus around. They had heard that he spoke and taught as no one ever had before. They had heard about the miracles and healings. They were curious. Were the rumors true? What might they see? Would Jesus do something for them?

For some, that initial interest blossomed into a desire to sit under the tutelage of Jesus. They couldn’t get enough of His teaching, so these first century groupies followed him from speaking engagement to speaking engagement.

Certainly, none of the people who followed Jesus around had a clue as to where they were going, spiritually speaking. Jesus did. He not only knew the way to the kingdom of God, He was the Way. Who better to follow?

So why do my children and my dog follow me around?

Well, my dog follows me around because hope springs eternal in her that I will drop food on the floor, or that one miraculous day, the meal I’m cooking in the kitchen will actually be for her. She’s not interested in learning anything from me and she knows her way around the house just fine.

My children follow me around for the same basic reasons people followed Jesus around. They’re curious. They want to know what I’m doing, and they hope it will be something fun that will involve them. When they’re young, even cooking, sweeping, and folding the laundry seem interesting to them (yeah, my kids don’t get out much) and they want to learn how to do it just like Mom. When we’re in an unfamiliar place, they follow me because they don’t know how to get where we’re going, and I do.

Which makes me think.

How am I walking? Am I walking the way Jesus walked? Do I walk uprightly? Do I walk in integrity? Do I walk blamelessly?

Do I follow Jesus so closely that by following me around, my children can learn to follow Him too?

Mailbag, Parenting

The Mailbag: Potpourri (Rescinding a recommendation… Women at the Last Supper… Consistent discipline)

May 30, 2023May 29, 2023 Michelle Lesley

Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question.

Or maybe I answered your question already? Check out my article The Mailbag: Top 10 FAQs to see if your question has been answered and to get some helpful resources.

Our women’s ministry team recently asked all of us Bible study teachers to promote the study they have chosen, and I personally recommended it to the women in my class. I told them “I don’t know anything about the author and haven’t read the study, but I trust the women’s ministry team and recommend you participate.” That afternoon I began researching her and discovered she was a woman pastor. I immediately contacted the women’s coordinator and shared my concerns.

I feel TERRIBLE that I have recommended a woman whose life choices make her a stumbling block to the gals I dearly love and have taught for years. My first instinct is to send my students only an email rescinding my recommendation and warning them that the author routinely preaches in her local church. I am torn between protecting them from a very beguiling threat and the implications a warning has for exposing the women’s ministry team. LESSON LEARNED for future recommendations, but for now, what is my Biblical obligation/priority?

That’s a difficult spot to be in. I’ve been there myself, having passed along a recommendation from someone I thought was discerning and trustworthy, only to find out later that she was not.

Here’s what I would suggest:

If you haven’t already, get alone with the Lord in prayer and repent of your carelessness. There is grace, mercy, and forgiveness awaiting you.
Write out a carefully, kindly, and wisely worded email to your class apologizing for your carelessness and explaining why you need to rescind your recommendation. Support everything you say with Scripture. (If you think it would be helpful, you may wish to include a link to this article of mine.) Don’t hit “send” yet.
Talk to your pastor before you do anything else. Explain the situation, plead with him to cancel the study, tell him (don’t ask him) your conscience demands that you send an email to your class rescinding your recommendation of the study, and offer to show it to him if he’d like to see it.
I pray your pastor will cancel the study. I really do. That will take the pressure off of you. You will still need to apologize to your class and explain why you agree with the pastor’s decision to cancel the study. Unfortunately, in situations like this, the pastor almost always backs up the study and the women’s director, not the discerning Christian who comes to him with concerns.
If your pastor affirms the study and the women’s ministry leader, express your disappointment calmly and politely, and reiterate that you must still send the email. Go to the women’s ministry leader, and as a gesture of courtesy, explain that you’ll be sending an email to your class rescinding your recommendation. Then, send the email.
Immediately begin looking for a new, doctrinally sound church. Women who are “pastors” and/or preach to men are false teachers. They preach with their behavior, “I don’t like this command of Scripture, so I’m not going to obey it. If there’s a command of Scripture you don’t like, you don’t have to obey it either.”. If your pastor is so doctrinally ignorant or unsound that he affirms this sin and false teaching, you don’t need to be sitting under his teaching and leadership.

What are the Scripture verses that back up the teachings that women were at the last supper? I know that this is something I’ve heard before, yet now my grandson is asking me about it because that’s what he learned in school.

There aren’t any. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone claim that any person – man or woman – other than Jesus and the twelve disciples were in attendance at the Last Supper.

The Matthew account says Jesus “reclined at table with the twelve.”
The Mark account says Jesus “came with the twelve. And as they were reclining at table and eating…”
The Luke account says Jesus “reclined at table, and the apostles with him.”
The John account focuses more on Jesus’ teaching at and after the supper than the actual supper itself, but even John says, “During supper” (v.2) Jesus “began to wash the disciples’ feet…” (v.5)

When you consider all four of the gospel accounts together, there is absolutely no argument to be made that anyone was present at the Last Supper besides Jesus and the twelve. There were no women among the twelve. There were no women apostles. Therefore, no women were at the Last Supper.

I’m guessing what happened is that somebody – perhaps Catholicism, in order to elevate Mary, or perhaps feminists, in order to make Jesus seem like an egalitarian – took a mention of “disciples” (without “the twelve” in front of it) from one of these passages and decided that could mean any follower of Jesus he or she wanted it to mean (most likely Mary, the mother of Jesus, or Mary Magdalene).

If your grandson is asking questions like this, take him to Scripture and teach him how to be a good Berean. Show him how to look up the passages in question and compare what he’s being taught to what the Bible actually says.

And if you have a relationship with his parents that allows you to express your concerns about what he’s being taught at school, express them (kindly, yet seriously, taking care not to be overbearing). I shudder to think about all the unbiblical things that school is indoctrinating your grandson with that he’s not asking you about.

I am a Christian mom, and I rarely accept back talk from my son. I always call it out, and usually give him some kind of discipline, but it doesn’t seem to improve things. Is there a secret formula?😃

That’s something a lot of moms deal with, and I know it’s got to be frustrating. Good for you for looking for ways to make your discipline more effective!

If what you’re doing isn’t working, your discipline either isn’t severe enough or isn’t consistent enough, or both. Discipline has to hurt in order to be effective.

A good example of the importance of consistency is an experiment I learned about when I was a psychology major back in the Stone Age. We were studying conditioning (training a subject in a behavior), and a lot of the studies we looked at had to do with training rats to push a lever for a pellet of food. Some rats got a pellet every time they pushed the lever. Some never got a pellet. Some got a pellet sometimes. Those were the rats who pushed the lever the most because they never knew when they would be rewarded with food or “punished” with none.

It’s the same with inconsistent discipline. You’re actually increasing the undesired behavior by being inconsistent because your child never knows whether that bad behavior is going to be rewarded, ignored, or punished. This is also part of what Ephesians 6:4 is talking about when it says not to exasperate your children.

Especially with boys, Dad needs to be involved. Your son needs to know that if he doesn’t respond to your discipline, Dad is going to step in and take over. The two of you should sit down, talk this through, and put a plan in place for how to work this out in various situations.

Also helpful would be to find a couple in your church whose children are well behaved and respectful and ask them to disciple you and your husband in this area.

Get those things going, and you’ll see improvement.

Parenting

Oh, Behave! Training Your Child to Behave in Church

March 3, 2022March 2, 2022 Michelle Lesley

…they all walked sedately into the church. The first clang of the bell rang out when they were on the steps.
After that, there was nothing to do but sit still till the sermon was over. It was two hours long. Almanzo’s legs ached and his jaw wanted to yawn, but he dared not yawn or fidget. He must sit perfectly still and never take his eyes from the preacher’s solemn face and wagging beard. Almanzo couldn’t understand how Father knew that he wasn’t looking at the preacher, if Father was looking at the preacher himself. But Father always did know.
From Farmer Boy by Laura Ingalls Wilder¹

A hundred and fifty-ish years ago, this is how children were expected to behave in church. I love a good sermon, but I’m not sure even I could meet those behavioral expectations, and, these days, I certainly wouldn’t expect my children to. But fast forward from the 1800’s to 2000’s, and think about how you may have seen some children behave in church. It’s quite a bit different from Almanzo’s experience, wouldn’t you say?

I don’t think we need to dial things back a hundred and fifty years, though. A little fidgeting, a Bible dropped loudly on the floor, a few seconds of wailing while you frantically search for the lost pacifier, a bit of jabbering, none of these things are a big deal. But neither should a toddler be allowed to run up and down the aisles of the sanctuary for the bulk of the sermon. Eight year olds do not need to be crawling around on the floor between the pews playing with toys. Twelve year olds can reasonably be expected to stay awake, sit still, and pay attention during the service.

We expect our children to obey us (and other adults) and behave properly in a variety of places: school, the grocery store, restaurants, on their sports teams, at scout meetings. Why, when the worship service is far more important than any of these, would we not require them to act appropriately in church? And when we require them to behave themselves in all these other venues but not in church, what are we teaching them about the importance of church, reverence, God?

For the past several years, the message coming from many pastors and churches has been, “Your child is welcome in church! Don’t worry if he makes noise!”. Some pastors are known to say things like, “Never mind if your baby cries! I’ll just preach louder!”. It is absolutely true that children of all ages should be made to feel welcome and loved in church, and that the entire congregation should be patient, loving, and understanding with the occasional cry, babble, or fidget. But a few parents seem to hear this welcoming attitude toward children as, “It’s fine for your child to run wild during the sermon or scream his head off for the duration of the worship service.”. That’s not the case. Allowing your child to make noise or misbehave with no attempt to address the situation is unloving and unkind to your church family who, though patient and loving, are being distracted from worship by your child. A loving church is not license for you to shirk your responsibility to them, to God, and to your child to teach him to behave appropriately in church.

But, if you’ll determine in your heart to train your child, you might be surprised at all the blessings and benefits you encounter along the way.

What is appropriate church behavior?

That’s going to vary by age. Obviously, a three year old isn’t going to sit perfectly still for thirty minutes and take sermon notes. But, believe it or not, you can start (and I would strongly recommend) training your child from infancy that church is a place where we sit still, sit quietly, listen when it’s time to listen, and participate when it’s time to participate.

How do I train my child?

The first and best way to train your child is by modeling proper church behavior yourself. Does he see you singing enthusiastically during the worship time? Are you checking your makeup or Facebook during prayer? Are you visibly paying attention during the sermon? Constantly talking to your husband or a friend during the service? Your child will imitate what he sees and take his cues from you as to what is acceptable behavior.

Otherwise, you train your child in church the same way you would train him in any other situation. If you were at a restaurant, and your baby was crying incessantly, you would tend to his needs at the table, or, if you couldn’t, you would take him out to the lobby or outside until he calmed down. The simple act of doing so begins to plant the idea in his mind that a certain level of behavior is expected in that venue.

If your school aged child won’t sit quietly in his seat at school, the teacher administers the appropriate discipline, and, possibly, you do too, at home.

It’s the same way at church. You let your child know what is expected of him behavior-wise at church, praise him when he does well, and administer discipline when he disobeys.

A few helpful hints:

Infants and toddlers:

If your church offers a nursery, there’s no shame in making use of it. As a stay at home mom, I well remember the days when church was the only opportunity I had for a small breather from my children, for adult fellowship, and for hearing God’s word without interruption.

But if you want to have your infant or toddler in church with you, that’s great! Be sure your diaper bag is well stocked with anything you might need to keep a little one relatively still and quiet. Bottles, pacifiers, small snacks that won’t make too much of a mess, some small, soft toys (such as stuffed animals or board books- maybe even a special one that’s only for Sundays) that he can quietly play with in his lap.

Try to choose a seat on the aisle near a door in case you need to make a hasty exit. Also, try to sit somewhere where any noise your child might make won’t be picked up by the pastor’s (or other) microphone.

Older children:

Sometimes well meaning Sunday school teachers serve sugary snacks or other foods/drinks that might make your child jittery. If so, it may be more difficult for him to sit quietly during church. Check out the snack situation in your child’s class, and serve him a breakfast that won’t give him the fidgets.

Make a bathroom/water fountain pit stop before the service a weekly habit. If your child would benefit from running a lap or two outside before the service to work off some energy, make that part of the weekly routine as well.

Dress your child appropriately, yet comfortably for church. I still remember scratchy lace on some of my childhood Sunday dresses. And sitting up against the back of a pew or chair wearing a dress that ties in the back? Absolute torture when that knot dug into my spine. It’s kind of hard to sit still when your entire outfit is conspiring against you.

Get them started on taking notes during the sermon. Give your preschooler some crayons and paper and help him listen for something in the sermon he can draw a picture of (a sheep, Jesus, an angel, a garden…).

Lower elementary aged children might enjoy taking “tally mark” notes. Make a brief list of words your child is likely to hear during the sermon (God, Jesus, Bible, Love…) and instruct him to make a tally mark next to the word any time he hears it during the sermon. Some pre-readers can even attempt this if you draw a couple of small pictures instead of words (a heart for “love,” a cross for “Jesus,” etc.) Before church starts, try to guess with your child which word will get the most marks. After church, count up the marks and see if you were right. You may even want to do your own tally mark sheet during the sermon to model for your child what you want him to do.

Some churches offer a fill in the blank sermon outline in the bulletin. This is a perfect note taking activity for older children and tweens. They can also be encouraged to turn in their Bibles to all the Scriptures the pastor mentions, copy down a verse from the text of the sermon, or write down any questions that occur to them as they listen.

And, speaking of questions, another fun activity is for each family member to write down a couple of questions, and their answers, from the sermon. Then, in the car on the way home, each person gets to ask his questions. Whoever gets the most correct answers gets to pick what’s for lunch (or bragging rights, or something else fun). It’ll keep EVERYONE paying attention, and it’s a great way to reinforce and discuss the sermon.

Attend church every Sunday. Not only is it biblical to attend faithfully, but children thrive on routine, and it will be easier for them to remember how to behave if they’re learning and practicing those behavior skills weekly instead of in a “hit and miss” fashion.

Children with Disabilities

Believe it or not, I actually do have some experience in this area. For several years, I taught at two different state schools for the deaf, working with deaf students and students with multiple disabilities. After that, I worked for a couple of years as an advisor, advocate, and service provider for disabled students at a large state university. I’m not unsympathetic to parents of children with disabilities and to the issues disabilities cause.

Since there is such a wide range of disabilities that may cause noise or behavior issues in church, I can’t offer specific suggestions that would apply to every child with a disability. So let me just offer a few general thoughts:

Like every other parent, you have to address your child’s noise and behavior in a way that’s appropriate to his age and abilities, whatever those may be. Your child’s disability does not relieve you of the responsibility to train him and address his issues as best you can. Ask and trust God to help and equip you to know and do what’s right for your child.

When it comes right down to it, in church, noise is noise, and distraction is distraction, whether it’s coming from an adult who can’t stop coughing, a baby who won’t stop crying, or your child’s particular issue. When it’s in our power to address a distraction – our own or our child’s – we should make every effort to do so.

Get some wise counsel. Ask your child’s doctor, teacher, therapist, social worker, etc. for some help. Do you have a clear picture of what your child is and isn’t capable of? Are you expecting too much or too little of him? Are there any helpful suggestions they can offer for managing his issues in church? Ask other parents of children with the same disability as your child for any tips or tricks they’ve learned. What has worked? What hasn’t worked? Ask your pastor if there’s any reasonable accommodation that could be made for your child that hasn’t been, such as adjustments to the light or sound, accessibility adjustments, piping the sermon audio into an adjacent room, etc.

Get some help. Could some of your brothers and sisters at church help out in some way? Some of the suggestions in my article Providentially Hindered: Is Your Church Taking Care of Caretakers? might help, or may be a springboard for other ideas.

Training your child to behave well in church isn’t easy at times. I know. I have six children and we have raised all of them in church. But if you and your husband will invest the time and effort, everyone benefits. Your pastor will be able to preach uninterrupted. Your fellow church members will be able to worship undistracted. Once your child begins to behave himself better, you will be able to focus more on the service and be less frazzled. But most importantly, your child will develop the skills necessary for hearing and paying attention to God’s word being proclaimed, and what a blessing that will be to him now, and for the rest of his life.

Tag: Christian Parenting

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