I don’t know about you, but I find “pet shaming” pictures hilarious. You’ve seen them. They’re the ones that show something like a dog next to a chewed up tube of diaper rash ointment, and the dog is wearing a sign around its neck saying, “I ate a tube of Desitin and barfed all over the new carpet during my family’s dinner party.”
The funny thing to me is that the dog usually looks like he’s not the least bit sorry, and he’s certainly not ashamed. We can have a good guilt-free laugh at these silly pictures, because the dog has no idea what’s going on and isn’t feeling humiliated in the slightest. But what about the shaming of human beings?
Shaming as a form of punishment is nothing new. You read The Scarlet Letter in high school, right? You’ve seen pictures of a one room schoolhouse with a child sitting in the corner wearing a dunce cap? More recently, we’ve seen judges sentence petty criminals to stand in a public place holding a sign confessing their crimes. But lately I’ve been seeing a parenting trend that isn’t funny or appropriate, especially for Christian parents: kid shaming.
Lately I’ve been seeing a parenting trend that isn’t funny or appropriate, especially for Christian parents: kid shaming.
This ten year old girl was lying about her age, sneaking out with boyfriends, and breaking her parents’ social media rules. So they forced her to wear a shirt declaring her age, along with a “little girl” hairdo and accessories
This barber offers parents free “balding man” haircuts for their misbehaving children.
This mom went to school with her teen-aged daughter, mocking, taunting, and videotaping her for skipping class.
If a child were doing this kind of thing to another child, we’d call it bullying, and everyone would be appalled. But if a parent does it and posts pictures of it on social media she’s hailed as an innovative disciplinarian.
Does kid shaming work to modify a child’s behavior? Sometimes. But as Christian parents, we are not called to merely modify our children’s behavior. We are called to cultivate the soil of their hearts, so that those little hearts may one day be fertile ground, ready for the seeds of the gospel and godly discipline. And shaming or humiliating a child doesn’t enrich that heart soil. It hardens it.
As Christian parents, we are not called to merely modify our children’s behavior. We are called to cultivate the soil of their hearts. And shaming or humiliating a child doesn’t enrich that heart soil. It hardens it.
Children need discipline, but they need us to discipline them in a godly way. How do we discover the godly way to discipline? By following God’s example laid down in His Word. There are many reasons God presents Himself to us in the Bible as our Father. First, and foremost, it describes our relationship to Him: the depth of His love for us, His desire for what’s best for us, His authority over us. Our love for and dependence on Him, our desire to obey Him. But, secondly, God revealing Himself to us as our Father gives us a beautiful, perfect model to follow in parenting.
God revealing Himself to us as our Father gives us a beautiful, perfect model to follow in parenting.
Want to know how to love your child? Look at the way God loves you. Want to know how to provide for your child? Look at the way God provides for you. And if you want to know how to discipline your child, look at the way God disciplines His children. Does God shame and humiliate us when we sin? No.
He disciplines us because He loves us…
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. Hebrews 12:6
He does not shame us into repentance, but draws us with His kindness.
Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? Romans 2:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Colossians 3:21
He does not discipline to humiliate, but to train us in holiness and righteousness…
but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:10b-11
Sometimes God’s discipline is pretty intense, but it is always done in love and always to draw us away from sin and back to holiness, never to demean us. Our children are a precious gift, entrusted to us by God. We are to reflect God’s character to them as we walk with Him and seek to love and discipline them His way. Choosing a worldly way of correcting their behavior but not tending their hearts, well…that would be a shame.
Choosing a worldly way of correcting their behavior but not tending their hearts, well…that would be a shame.
Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er, kinda? sometimes?) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question.
Or maybe I answered your question already? Check out my article The Mailbag: Top 10 FAQs to see if your question has been answered and to get some helpful resources.
I looked for an article on your blog about vision boards, but didn’t see one. What’s wrong with a vision board? Do you dislike them in all instances or simply in certain applications?
I hope you don’t mind, but let’s reframe the question just a tad. I totally understand what you mean, I’d just like to clarify for everyone that it’s irrelevant whether I “like” or “dislike” something. My personal, subjective opinions don’t matter one bit (and neither do anyone else’s). What matters is what God says in His written Word about things like this. So let’s use the question, “What does God tell us in His written Word about vision boards?”.
The way vision boards are typically used in both the New Apostolic Reformation (NAR), the New Age, and non-Christian circles is to figure out all your goals and dreams, put pictures of them on a board, hang the board where you can see it often, and focus on those pictures/goals/dreams in order to “manifest” them. Nowhere in Scripture does God instruct us to do anything of the sort. It’s idolatry, usually based in coveteousness, and a form of witchcraft.
How so? A vision board redirects your heart toward idolizing an object or a goal you want and away from being completely submitted to and content with what God wants. Ephesians 5 says:
walk as children of light (for the fruit of that light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth), trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord.
Ephesians 5:8b-10
The entire posture of the Christians life can be summed up in Jesus’ brief prayer in Gethsemane: “Not my will, but Yours be done.”. We’re not to get up every day, look at a picture of a house, or a job, or a degree we want and make that the motivating force for everything we do that day in order to obtain that thing.
We’re to get up every day, look to Christ in His Word and in prayer, “try to learn what is pleasing to the Lord,” and make that the motivating force for everything we do that day. Scripture doesn’t teach us to live our lives for a temporal goal or material possessions. Scripture teaches us to live our lives dying to self and obeying Christ. That’s the goal we live for.
Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
Matthew 6:19-21
God’s way is not for us to attempt to “manifest” things on our own by visualizing them and speaking incantations to try to take them by force from God’s hand, but to bring everything to Him in prayer, be obedient to His Word, submit to Him, and trust Him to bring the opportunities and situations our way that He thinks are best for us and our sanctification.
My daughter is 14 and has a friend group of about twelve friends. Two identify as bisexual, one identifies as gay, and another as transgender. Any suggestions for navigating this season with her? I’m struggling with it, she is not.
Oh dear. I’d be struggling with it, too. I’ve take a moment to pray for you and your daughter, and I’d like to ask my readers to pause here and pray for both of you, too.
I’m assuming “friend group” means a group of friends your daughter is close to and spends a lot of time with. In other words, not acquaintances she sees occasionally and might exchange a few pleasantries with every now and then. If so, you’re right to be concerned. Scripture tells us:
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? Or what agreement has a sanctuary of God with idols?
Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”
He who walks with the wise will be wise, But the friend of fools will suffer harm.
And real world experience backs up the Bible. Even non-Christian experts who study such things tell us that sexual immoralities such as bisexuality, homosexuality, and transsexuality, have spread among teenagers largely via social media and their friends. It’s just the latest iteration of fads like ripped jeans and wearing your hat backwards, only with farther reaching and much more devastating consequences.
I’m a little in the dark about your family dynamics. I don’t know whether or not you’re married, and, if so, whether or not your husband is your daughter’s father, and whether or not he’s a Believer. I also don’t know whether or not your daughter claims to be a Believer. I’m assuming you’re a Believer since you reached out to me.
All of those things will impact the situation, but, ideally, you and your husband / your daughter’s father, who is a Believer, will sit down together, talk the situation through, and then present a united front when the three of you sit down, discuss this, and he informs your daughter that she will no longer spend time with these friends.
It doesn’t matter that she wants to. It doesn’t matter how many “good reasons” she has for spending time with them or how much she assures you that she won’t be swayed from a biblical sexual ethic. You are the parents. She is the child. You are older and wiser than she is, and you can see the dangers in this situation that she can’t see.
If your daughter claims to be a Christian, I would suggest appealing first to the fact that, over and above your rules as parents, she is supposed to be obeying Scripture. And as the three Scriptures I’ve cited above demonstrate, we are not to be entangled in intimate relationships with unbelievers.
If she’s not convinced and not motivated by obedience to Christ to extricate herself from these friendships on her own, you and your husband will need to take the reins and explain to her that because you love Christ and want to obey His Word, and because you love her, you will no longer allow her to maintain these friendships: no spending time with these people, no texting, calling, emailing, or social media communication with them, etc.
Whatever you do, stand firm. Do not cave to her whining, crying, anger, or histrionics. Inform her of the consequences of disobeying you by contacting members of this friend group, and, if she disobeys, follow through. Be consistent.
And you’ll want to remind her of Ephesians 6:1:
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
Ephesians 6:1
You said your daughter is “not struggling with” spending time with this friend group. I’m not sure whether this means that your daughter is a sweet, young, somewhat naive, genuine Christian who thinks being friends with these people will draw them to Christ, or whether it means the opposite: that she’s not “unequally yoking” with them, she’s equally yoking with them because she is -as they are- not truly saved.
If that’s the case, she needs the gospel. Don’t beat her over the head with it every five minutes, but pray fervently for her salvation, and ask the Lord to give you wisdom and natural opportunities to discuss it with her.
If you and your husband are not already faithful, invested members of a doctrinally sound local church, that’s something you need to begin working toward immediately, and your daughter needs to faithfully attend with you and be involved as well. She needs to be removed from the pagan environment she’s chosen and redirected into the godly environment she needs.
I would also encourage you to set up an appointment with your pastor for counsel about all of this. Perhaps he can suggest a godly older woman to disciple you through this situation, or an older couple who can counsel you and your husband.
With the Lord’s help, you can handle this in obedience to Him. Ask Him to give you strength and wisdom, and trust Him to guide you through this trial.
I wanted to start sharing the gospel in live videos on Facebook. Would doing this live fit the definition of preaching to men even if you state it’s for women or would it be best to create a private group for women only? I’ve received conflicting opinions on this before. Thank you.
I’m so glad you’re thinking about this and desiring to come to a biblical conclusion! That’s so encouraging!
There are two things to take into consideration here, a) what Scripture actually states, and b) conscience, wisdom, and appearance.
Scripture does not prohibit women from sharing the gospel with others, even men. In fact, all Christians are commanded to share the gospel in the Great Commission (also click here and see #11).
Unfortunately, these days many professing Christians conflate evangelism with pastoring and preaching. Evangelism is sharing the gospel with lost people outside the church, which all Christians are commanded to do. Pastoring and preaching is biblical instruction to saved people inside the church, which God has restricted to biblically qualified men. Evangelism and pastoring/preaching are two completely different, separate things. We have to keep our biblical categories straight.
You’ll want to avoid using a tone and demeanor that look and sound like a pastor delivering a sermon, and you shouldn’t say things that sound like you’re lecturing men in particular about their failures or how they could be better husbands, fathers, or pastors, or things like that, but simply explaining how to be saved, in a conversational tone, to a general audience of whichever random people happen to click on your video is not biblically problematic. I wrote all of the material at the What Must I Do to Be Saved? tab in the blue menu bar at the top of this page, and I share it around all the time on social media. It’s no different than sharing a tract or a website or video that shares the gospel.
Now, on the conscience, wisdom, and appearance side of things, if you feel uneasy that, for example, some of your Facebook friends go to “churches” with women “pastors” and you’re concerned they would think that’s what you’re doing (which is a distinct possibility), or if you would feel uncomfortable with your live videos being available to men, or whatever the case may be, then by all means, put up some biblical fences. Go ahead and create a private group if you want. Or, start each video with a statement or graphic that says this content is addressed to women (and re-assert that during the video with your language… “Ladies, I want you to know…” “Sisters, let’s pray…” etc.). Or maybe you present it on your regular Facebook page, and your husband (if you’re married) or another godly man or two in your life would agree to to be “on call” in the comments during the live, and if they see a man asking questions, they could dialog back and forth with him.
Thank you so much for being faithful to share the gospel!❤️
If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.
It’s a funny thing about parenting articles– they’re always written by doctors or psychologists or parents, never by the people being parented: the kids. I mean, think about it, if you were a waitress and you wanted to know how to serve your customers better, would you take advice solely from other waitresses, restaurant managers, and the guys at corporate? Wouldn’t you, at some point, want to hear from the people you actually serve regarding what they want out of a waitress? So how come we never ask our kids what they want out of a parent?
Well, I decided to.
Parenting articles are always written by doctors or psychologists or parents, never by the people being parented: the kids. How come we never ask our kids what they want out of a parent? Well, I decided to.
My husband and I have five boys, ages 26, 24, 14, 12, and 11, and one girl, age 18. The two oldest boys are grown and out on their own, so I interviewed the four still living at home: my daughter and the three younger boys. They’re average kids from an average, church-every-Sunday-and-Wednesday, Christian family. My husband and I are imperfect parents who make a ton of mistakes, but we’re doing our best to raise them in “the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”
The interview consisted of one question: What advice would you give to parents?
M (18 year old daughter) has spent the year since she graduated from high school teaching pre-schoolers at a Christian day care, so much of her advice is drawn from that experience. She has learned a lot about parenting that will help her to be a great mother some day.
Don’t be scared to discipline your child. Children need discipline, and that’s part of your job as a parent.
Kids are smarter than you think they are. Take the time to work with them. You’ll be amazed at how much they can learn!
Giving in to tantrums will ultimately make parenting more difficult because you’re teaching your child that tantrums work when they want to get their own way about something.
When considering names for your baby, imagine one of your adult friends introducing himself with that name. If the name doesn’t work for an adult, consider another choice. Also be aware of any acronyms or foul words your child’s initials might spell.
Never lie to your children to give them a reason for telling them yes or no about something. (For example: one of my children was constantly begging to go to the park. Her mother finally told her, “No, we can’t go to the park because it’s closed.” Naturally, a few minutes later, they drove by the park and saw plenty of people there. The child said, “I thought it was closed!”)
Before buying your child any DVD, watch it several times to make sure it doesn’t drive you nuts.
No child ever died from a dog licking him in the face.
A little sugar from time to time isn’t going to kill your child.
J1 (14 year old son) just finished eighth grade and isn’t interested in doing anything that taxes his brain during summer break. After we got past, “Mom, you’re the perfect parent! You don’t need any parenting advice from me!” (so he could go back to watching TV), here are the few gems I was able to extract from him:
Teach your kids not to be aggravating to other kids.
Don’t let your kids date too early.
Don’t force foods on your kids that they have either tasted and don’t like or think they won’t like.
Don’t make your kids write your blog articles for you. It’s pretty boring for them!!!
B (12 year old son) is a take charge kind of guy who would have gladly written this article for me (and probably would have done a better job!) He just finished the 6th grade. B says:
Give a thirty minute bed time extension with every birthday. (He calculates this based on a baby from birth to one year having a bed time of 6:00 p.m. A one year old would go to bed at 6:30, a two year old at 7:00, etc.)
Have a large Christmas budget.
Buy your kids go carts.
Take more vacations.
Don’t make things sound better or worse than they actually are. (“Mom, one time I was going to get some shots and you told me it would hurt really bad. I didn’t think it hurt that much.”)
Set a good example for your kids.
J2 (11 year old son) just finished 5th grade and lives life wide open with his hair on fire. He had lots of great 11 year old advice for parents:
Spend more time with your kids.
More bacon. Also, more junk food and cokes.
Let us do good April Fool’s tricks.
Mud fights whenever we want.
Let us run around the house nekkid! (That’s “naked” if you don’t live in the South.)
Don’t make your kids go to school.
Be less demanding and don’t criticize your kids.
Awesome parenting advice, no? Maybe my husband and I should just change all our rules around to fit what the kids want. After all, going back to our waitress analogy, the customer’s always right, right?
Wrong.
The Bible says in Ephesians 6:1 (a verse every child in our family memorizes as a toddler) “Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right,” not “parents obey your children.” If we decided to become the parents they wanted, we’d have a bunch of naked, bacon-snarfing, go cart riding, uneducated pranksters who stay up until midnight.
The reason God gave children parents is so that we can exercise the wisdom, experience, and discernment they don’t have but so desperately need.
The reason God gave children parents is so that we can exercise the wisdom, experience, and discernment they don’t have but so desperately need. As godly parents, my husband and I must listen to our children and take to heart anything that is wise or biblical (“Set a good example for your children.” “Never lie to your children.”) and say a firm “no” anything that isn’t (large Christmas budgets and living room streaking).
Because God has told us to train our children up in the way they should go, not the way they want to go.
God has told us to train our children up in the way they should go, not the way they want to go.
Catechism isn’t as widely used as it once was, which I think is a real shame. It’s a way of teaching doctrine and Scripture to children in a brief question and answer format. The child memorizes the answers and repeats them back to the teacher or parent when asked. Perhaps you’ve heard this question and answer before:
What is the chief end of man?
Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy Him forever.
Even if a formal catechism isn’t a fit for your family, God still requires us to train our children in the Scriptures.
That’s from the Westminster Shorter Catechism, which you might enjoy working on with your children. But even if a formal catechism isn’t a fit for your family, God still requires us to train our children in the Scriptures. God tells the people of Israel in Deuteronomy 6:6-7:
The Bible isn’t to be relegated to family worship time or church. We’re to saturate our homes and our lives with it. Ephesians 6:4 reinforces this thought in the New Testament, exhorting fathers to bring children up “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Scripture is to inform every aspect of our parenting.
Teaching your children the Bible might sound like a big task, and it is, but, if you think about it, we already catechize our children in so many ways we’re not even aware of. How many times have you asked your child, “What’s the magic word?” or “What do you say to Aunt Margaret for the nice present?” It usually doesn’t take long for them to get the hang of coming up with the right answer.
Teaching your children the Bible might sound like a big task, and it is, but, if you think about it, we already catechize our children in so many ways we’re not even aware of.
So don’t be scared. If you’ll take things moment by moment, intentionally bring Scripture into the circumstances that come up in every day life, and explain how it relates to those circumstances, you’ll be surprised at how quickly your children will grasp and apply the verses you’re teaching them. And they’ll be learning the most important lesson of all: God’s Word is authoritative, and we are to obey it in every situation in life.
Your children will be learning the most important lesson of all: God’s Word is authoritative, and we are to obey it in every situation in life.
Here’s the informal “Lesley Family Catechism” that we have formulated and implemented over the years. Maybe with a few tweaks here and there, it would work for your family.
1.
Q: You’ve done ________ to disobey me. What does the Bible say about obeying Mommy?
A. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Ephesians 6:1
It’s hard for little kids to remember all the do’s and don’t’s in the Bible, so God made it easy on them. One commandment that covers all the others: obey your parents. (Colossians 3:20 is very similar.)
2.
Q: Hitting your brother is not right. What does Jesus say about how we’re to treat each other?
A. “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12
3.
Q: I know your friend was ugly to you, and that hurts, but what does God say about forgiveness?
A. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32
4.
Q. God takes lying seriously. You cannot tell a lie and then when you’re caught, say, “I was just joking.” What does the Bible tell us about doing that?
A. Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I am only joking!” Proverbs 26:18-19
5.
Q. You are a thirteen year old, not a three year old. What does the Bible tell us about acting childish?
A. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 1 Corinthians 13:11
This verse has been very beneficial with our teenage children, especially the boys. We have always emphasized to them that we are trying to raise them to be godly men.
6.
Q. You may have done the right (or wrong) thing, but what was the attitude of your heart? How does God see you when He looks at you?
A. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7b
It’s important for our children to understand that God doesn’t judge them merely by their external behaviors, whether they’ve tried hard out of love for Him and failed, or gritted their teeth and done what was right with a rotten attitude. This can lead to the incorrect understanding of the gospel that many people have today: “If my good deeds outweigh my bad deeds, I’ll go to Heaven,” or “Being a Christian is just being a good person.” God looks at our hearts, sees sinners in need of forgiveness, and offers us grace and mercy through repentance and faith in the shed blood of Christ for our sin.
7.
Q. What do you mean, you hate your sister? You have confessed Christ as Savior. What does the Bible tell us about Christians loving their brothers and sisters?
A. If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. 1 John 4:20
In the context of this verse, and the book of 1 John, “brother” doesn’t mean “sibling,” it normally means “brother in Christ.” Still, in addition to fellow Christians, we are called to love our enemies and love our neighbors as ourselves, so we’re to show brotherly love to all.
8.
Q. You’re doing an awful lot of complaining and arguing right now. What does God’s word say about that?
A. Do all things without grumbling or disputing, Philippians 2:14
9.
Q. I know that what you’re telling me isn’t true. What does the Bible say about lying?
A. Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight. Proverbs 12:22
10.
Q. You seem to be acting selfishly, pridefully, always wanting the first and best, and insisting on getting your own way. What does Scripture say about that?
A. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4
11.
Q. It seems like you flew off the handle in anger. What does the Bible say about that?
A. Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20
Working on memorizing these or other Scriptures with your children is a wonderful opportunity to teach them what God’s Word means and to begin sharing the gospel with them at a very young age. And you’ll know it’s sinking in when you start hearing them say, “Mom, you’re doing ________. What does the Bible say about that?”
You’ll know it’s sinking in when you start hearing them say, “Mom, you’re doing ________. What does the Bible say about that?”
The world can be a scary place if you have kids. There’s the danger of online predators luring kids into meeting them in person. Kids can take inappropriate pictures of themselves or their peers only to have those pictures spread around on the web. Porn sites abound. Drugs and alcohol seem to be easy for kids to come by. There are kidnappers and sex traffickers and child molesters lurking where you least expect them, even in the church. And, society would have us believe, every teenager is having sex.
It’s a blessing from God that there are so many ways to protect our kids. There are all kinds of software locks and blocks and filters you can put on your electronics in order to keep your kids safer when it comes to technology. There are phone apps that allow you to track your child’s location, and do it yourself drug testing kits, and breathalyzer attachments you can put on your car to keep your child from driving drunk. And then there are the more “analog” precautions of keeping the family computer in a common room, scrolling through your child’s phone log every day and asking about each call or text, banning sleepovers, and never letting her spend time alone with friends.
Certainly, we should use wisdom about the activities we let our kids take part in. Maybe some of those locks, blocks, and filters, or restrictions on places she can go and people she can see would be a wise idea for your family, especially if your child has proved herself untrustworthy with the freedom you’ve already given her.
But, increasingly, as I hear Christian parents in a near frenzy about installing multiple security measures on their electronics or the car and making all kinds of restrictions on activities with friends – not to clamp down on a rebellious child, but to prevent children from getting into trouble who have never showed any signs of rebellion – I have to wonder, what’s the foundational mindset here?
Increasingly, as I hear Christian parents in a near frenzy about preventing their children from getting into trouble, I have to wonder – what’s the foundational mindset here?
Are we putting these safety measures in place because we’ve prayed about it and believe it’s reasonable, godly wisdom, or are we putting these safety measures in place because we’re fearful of evil and trust devices and restrictions more than we trust God and our kids? For the Christian, it’s not that it’s wrong or bad to take precautions – indeed, God doesn’t want us to be careless or foolish – it’s the motivation for the precautions we take that we need to examine.
It’s not wrong to take reasonable precautions, but are we putting these safety measures in place because we’re fearful of evil and trust devices and restrictions more than we trust God and our kids?
Do we really trust God with our kids, or are we taking matters into our own hands out of fear?
Trusting God can be scary. We can’t see Him, hear Him, or touch Him, and He never promised us a life free from difficult or painful circumstances. It’s much easier and more comforting to our flesh to trust something tangible. Something that guarantees us it’ll do what we want it to do. It reminds me of an event that took place toward the end of King Asa’s life in 2 Chronicles 16.
Asa was one of the good kings of Judah. He “did what was good and right in the eyes of the Lord his God. He took away the foreign altars and the high places and broke down the pillars and cut down the Asherim and commanded Judah to seek the Lord, the God of their fathers, and to keep the law and the commandment.” (2 Chronicles 14:2-4) But one day, Baasha, king of Israel, came up against Judah. Did Asa cry out to the Lord, trusting Him to help, as he had years before when the Ethiopian army came out against him? No. Asa’s response was to gather up a truckload of silver and gold from the palace and the temple and bribe the king of Syria to break his covenant with Israel and attack them. Instead of fully trusting in the Lord and seeking His help and guidance, Asa took matters into his own hands and attempted to protect Judah with his own strength.
We love our children. We don’t want to see them hurt or fall into sin. We want to do whatever we can to protect them. Those are all good and godly desires of the heart. But we must make sure we are seeking and trusting God and His ways first instead of acting upon our fears and relying on our own strength.
We must make sure we are seeking and trusting God and His ways first instead of acting upon our fears and relying on our own strength.
Throughout Scripture, God is crystal clear that He is the one in charge. He made us, He sets the rules, He provides for us, He protects and cares for us, He knows what’s best for us. Because of all this, He instructs us, our responsibility is to be obedient children.
Do you and your children understand that you are the parent? That you are in charge and that they are to obey? That you make the rules and they are to follow them? Are the roles of parent and child clearly defined in your home with a godly authority structure in place?
The Bible is chock full of explicit commands. Sometimes God tells us what to do. Sometimes He tells us what not to do. Often, He explains why He is telling us to do or not do a certain thing. We can always rest assured that all of His commands are for our own good, the good of others, and the glory of God, and that they flow out of His great love for us. But God never accepts excuses for disobedience. He expects us to obey.
God never accepts excuses for disobedience. He expects us to obey.
Have you thoughtfully and prayerfully developed rules for the online and offline activities your child participates in? Have you sat her down and lovingly explained the rules to her, answering any questions she might have? Does she have a clear understanding of what the rules are and how to obey them? Does she grasp your expectation that she will obey the rules without excuses?
Have you warned your child of the consequences for disobeying your rules about her activities? Do you carefully and consistently enforce those consequences? Have you explained to her that the reason there are disciplinary consequences for her disobedience is to protect her from danger and sin? It’s neither necessary nor appropriate to go into all of the specific, terrifying details of child trafficking or the disgusting elements of pornography, but our children must have an age-appropriate understanding of the very real dangers that are out there.
And it’s just as important to explain the blessings of obedience to your child: she won’t have to live in fear or in shame, she’ll be protecting her purity for marriage, her health, or her life, her parents will trust her, and she’ll be acting in a way that’s pleasing to God. Maybe you’ll even be more inclined to give her extra privileges.
Look at what Jesus said in Matthew 5:29-30 with regard to lust:
If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.
Jesus doesn’t tell us to gouge out an eye or cut off a hand as a precaution to prevent lust that has not taken place. He tells us to respond to sin with an appropriate consequence.
God doesn’t give the consequences before the sin. Jesus doesn’t tell us to gouge out an eye or cut off a hand as a precaution to prevent lust that has not taken place. He tells us to respond to sin with an appropriate consequence.
Is there any way you might be “maiming” your child to prevent her from committing sin – especially sin she’s never shown an interest in or temptation to? Maybe it’s time to reconsider that rule or restriction? Conversely, do you have a child who struggles with a particular sin? She may need your love and your help mortifying that sin by “gouging out the eye” of the internet or “cutting off the hand” of that destructive friendship.
God doesn’t want us to obey Him because we have an unbiblical view of Him as a mean old ogre and we’re terrified of Him. He also doesn’t want us to obey Him in order to get something from Him, to impress others, or just to go through the motions. God wants us to want to obey Him because we love Him.
God wants us to *want* to obey Him because we love Him.
Have you fostered an environment of sacrificial love for your children in your home? Do you lay down what you want or how you feel to do what’s best for them? Do you invest time in them, pouring the gospel into them, teaching them God’s Word, and demonstrating that we obey Christ because we love Him? Do you take time to talk and play with your children? Do you tell them you’re proud of them? Discipline them and say no when necessary? Are you generous with hugs, “I love you’s”, and encouragement? Do you encourage them to develop their talents and skills? Having parents who love their children in a godly way doesn’t guarantee obedience, but it does encourage it.
At least not the way humans sometimes micromanage. Have you ever noticed that there are no commands in the Bible like, “Thou shalt wear blue socks every Tuesday,” or “Thou shalt not stay up past 11:38 p.m.”? Regulating every little thing we do isn’t God’s way. He loves us and cares for us, He tells us what He expects from us and the consequences of obeying and disobeying Him, and then He gives us space within those parameters to make decisions that are aligned with His will as revealed in His Word. As long as we’re not violating any of His principles or commands and we’re exercising godly wisdom, it’s fine with Him if we want to wear red socks on Tuesday or stay up until midnight.
Regulating every little thing we do isn’t God’s way. God doesn’t micromanage every move we make.
Our children need space to make decisions within the confines of the rules we’ve set up, especially children who haven’t given us any reason not to exercise reasonable trust in them. Nitpicking, checking, regulating, and hovering over every little move your child makes is smothering and frustrating to her. It says, “I don’t trust you to do what’s right without constant monitoring from me.”
I once read the biography of a girl who went blind. She enrolled in a life skills class at a school for the blind to learn how to navigate the world. During orientation, her counselor showed her around the common room of the dorm she was staying in. The counselor took her hand, placed it on the protruding mantel of the fireplace and said, “This is a sharp corner. You’ll need to watch out for it.” The girl gasped, “That’s dangerous! Why don’t you put some padding on it?”. The counselor replied, “You need to learn to be careful and aware of your surroundings. Nobody’s going to pad the sharp corners of the world for you.”
God doesn’t pad the sharp corners of the world for us, either. He doesn’t put us in a protective little bubble where we’ll never be hurt or fail or sin. He gives us everything we need for life and godliness in His Word and allows us to obey or disobey Him. Even when we fail, give in to temptation, and sin.
God doesn’t pad the sharp corners of the world for us, either. He doesn’t put us in a protective little bubble where we’ll never be hurt or fail or sin.
Consider that your child needs to learn the skill of facing and resisting temptation on her own. Give her enough age appropriate, situation appropriate freedom to do that – and to fail at it and repent – in the spiritual safety of your home. One day you won’t be there to put a lock on the computer. God will hold her responsible for her own sin. Will your child have developed the spiritual strength to say no to temptation when there’s nobody to stop her?
If you are a parent, job one is not your career, it’s parenting. Generally speaking (yes, there are sometimes exceptions and exigent circumstances), that means, Mom, your primary vocation is to raise your own children. Don’t just assume you have to work outside the home. Pray fervently for God to make a way for you to raise your children. Be creative and look for ways to get out of the workforce and get home. Slash every possible expense. Move. Eat at home. Home school instead of private school. Sell a vehicle. Bargain hunt. Find a way to earn money from home. Make the effort. Your children don’t just need any random person to raise them, they need you.
Your children don’t just need any random person to raise them, they need you.
Are we imitating our Heavenly Father in the way we parent? Do we cry out to Him for wisdom in the rules and restrictions we set for our children, trusting Him to help us and to protect our children? Or do we live in fear of what might happen, worrying and trying to protect our children in our own strength?
As much as we’d like to sometimes, we can’t build walls around our children to protect them from every sin or from anything bad ever happening to them. That is not how God deals with us. He loves, cares, and provides for us. He disciplines us appropriately when we need it. He clearly spells out what He expects from us. He warns us of the dangers and consequences of disobedience and teaches us the blessings of obedience. It’s then up to us to decide whether we love Him enough to obey Him, or if we’d rather go our own way.
