Category: Mailbag

Mailbag

The Mailbag: You can’t always get what you want, but Jesus is all you need.

Michelle Lesley

I found this article because I am a Christian single 37 year old woman. I have yet to meet a man that would be a suitable partner. And by that I mean everyone I’ve dated over the last two decades has shown major red flags I can not in good conscience ignore. Impossibly entitled/self oriented, pushing for sex without commitment/marriage, all taking no giving, general apathy, not marriage minded, secret addiction issues… You name it. I’ve seen it. And as soon as I do see it I don’t stick around long. I really have done everything I can think of and stayed out of trouble.

In any case, the church has no great answers for single women who are running out of time and followed all the rules so to speak. What is life even supposed to look like without a family… without a husband? Are we to marry bad men if good ones aren’t available? Are we to forgo the joys and meaning of rearing our children and creating life? The highest and most sacred calling the church asks of women? I feel quite powerless, and I’m beginning to get twinges of resentment towards men in general for failing me and many other great women. All the families and children that will never be. Life’s natural and beautiful progressions and chapters cannot take place without a good husband. The enormity of the grief I’m beginning to feel if I don’t meet someone in time is beyond comprehension. If you were to get a call one day and learn your husband and children all died… It’s like that. Except you didn’t even get to have any time with them in your life at all. Let that sink in before you judge or talk someone out of making the best out of a less than ideal situation to make a family. Get mad at the men. No one wants to do it alone. I’m sure this wasn’t her preferred plan. Or start speaking to what God’s plan is for single women. Cause mathematically there’s more single Christian ladies than single men and this outcome is quite inevitable and predictable. Yet the church stays quiet or rails on about getting married which causes a great silent pain in many hearts like mine… To whom shall I marry?

My dear sister, my heart goes out to you in your pain. Although I felt much the same way before I met my husband, I was much younger than you are, and I was not single as long as you have been. So, I won’t say I know how you feel, because I don’t. But I do sympathize. I understand that your pain is very real, and though I wish there were something I could do to alleviate it, I can’t.

But Jesus can.

I don’t mean that in some trite, Pollyanna way. I mean that in the way Scripture means it. You must find your contentment, your completeness, your satisfaction, in Christ, despite your circumstances. And that goes for all of us, because all of us suffer in one way or another. So let’s all take a look at God’s way of working through these types of difficult situations.

You must find your contentment, your completeness, your satisfaction, in Christ, *despite* your circumstances.

You must be born again.

I’m not accusing you of not being a Christian because of your question or the way you expressed yourself. But I don’t know you. And on the internet: anyone can claim to be anything, a lot of people don’t have a biblical definition of the word “Christian,” and there are a lot of false converts out there. So I never assume that someone who says she’s a Christian has actually been born again. Besides that, I just like sharing the gospel.

If, for some reason, you (or anyone reading this) have never heard the biblical gospel and responded to it in repentance and faith in Christ, you must do that today. Immediately. Your eternity is at stake. Additionally, you will never find the peace and contentment you seek if you are not in Christ.

Click on the What must I do to be saved? tab in the blue menu bar at the top of this page, and prayerfully work your way through it. When you get finished with that, work through my Bible study on assurance: Am I Really Saved? A First John Check Up.

Become a faithful, active, member of a doctrinally sound local church.

Not just any church. A doctrinally sound church.

If I had to guess from some of the thoughts and phraseology in your comment, I would guess you’re either not in church right now or not in a doctrinally sound church. Why?

In a doctrinally sound church, you don’t find that “everyone” of the single men are “impossibly entitled/self oriented, pushing for sex without commitment/marriage, all taking no giving, general apathy, not marriage minded, secret addiction issues…”. Generally speaking, men like that aren’t saved and don’t hang around doctrinally sound churches.

Additionally, if you were in a doctrinally sound church, you would have been taught and discipled not to date men like that because they’re most likely not saved, and Scripture commands you not to be unequally yoked in marriage with an unbeliever.

Furthermore, this: Let that sink in before you judge or talk someone out of making the best out of a less than ideal situation to make a family. Get mad at the men... is patently unbiblical. I realize you may have just been venting and didn’t really mean it, but you did not learn this line of thinking in a doctrinally sound church. This is pragmatism and bitterness. Christians do not “make the best out of” anything by sinning. Christians obey God even when their flesh wants to do something else. And my telling a Christian that is not “judging,” it’s biblical instruction.

You need to immerse yourself in a doctrinally sound local church immediately.

I want to be very clear that I am not telling you to join a good church in order to catch a good husband (although you certainly have a much better chance of that if you’re in a good church).

I’m telling you to join a good church a) because it is every Christian’s obligation and privilege to be joined to a doctrinally sound church, and b) because a solid church will train you, help you, encourage you to learn to be content in Christ, and will comfort you in your pain when you’re having a rough day.

Click on Searching for a new church? in the blue menu bar at the top of this page. If you’re already a member of a church, start reading the resources in the What to look for in a church section, and see if your church matches up. If it doesn’t, or if you’re currently disobeying God’s command not to forsake the assembly, repent and scroll back up to the church search engines section. (I’d recommend starting with Founders first, then G3, then The Master’s Seminary, then the others.)

Pursue Christ, not a husband.

…The highest and most sacred calling the church asks of women?

The highest and most sacred calling a doctrinally sound church will call women and men to is to pursue Christ. For a church or an individual to put anything ahead of pursuing Christ is idolatry.

I know what you’re going through grieves you, but you’re going to be even more miserable if you continually focus on what you don’t have – a husband and children – than what you do have as a Believer – Christ. Discontent – in any circumstance – only makes things worse. Believe me, I’ve been there.

You’re going to be even more miserable if you continually focus on what you don’t have -a husband and children- than what you do have as a Believer- Christ. Discontent -in any circumstance- only makes things worse.

Focus your life on pursuing Christ. Get up every day and study the Word. Spend copious amounts of time in prayer. Faithfully attend and serve your church. Share the gospel. Disciple younger women. Be consumed with Christ and you won’t be consumed by discontent.

Be consumed with Christ and you won’t be consumed by discontent.

RSVP to the Pity Party:
☑️ Will Not Attend

Brace yourself. It’s time for a little tough love. For all of us:

Suck it up, buttercup. Yes, your suffering is real and not unimportant. Yes, it’s excruciating at times. But nowhere in Scripture will you find God saying that self-pity is a godly pastime. And you’re not the only one out there who’s suffering. Look to Christ. He suffered far more than any of us, yet He didn’t feel sorry for Himself. In His season of greatest suffering, He served.

…Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.

Therefore, let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.

1 Peter 2:21b-23, 4:19

Recently, I was reading several related psalms, and I noticed the repeated phrase, “I will lift up my eyes”. Stop the narcissistic navel gazing and lift your eyes up to Christ crucified for your sins, raised for your justification, ascended into Heaven, and seated at the right hand of God. And then look around you at the people He would have you serve, following in His steps.

Self-pity leads to bitterness. Just say no.

You can’t always get what you want.

We all have to face up to the fact that just because we want something doesn’t mean that’s what God wants for us. You may never get married. Some women are unable to bear children. I have a friend who has been disabled all his life. There are lots of things he wanted to be able to do, physically, that he’s never been able to do. I have another friend who will never have grandchildren because of the choices her children have made. God is denying me something in my own life right now -maybe permanently- and it’s extraordinarily painful.

We all have to face up to the fact that just because we want something doesn’t mean that’s what God wants for us. And He is still good.

And He is still good. Everything He does in our lives is for His glory and our good. He knows what’s best for us. The question is,

  • will we submit to what He wants rather than insisting on what we want?
  • will we trust that He knows, far better than we do, what’s best for us?
  • do we want Him more than we want that thing we’re so desperate for?

Being a Christian means surrendering everything we are, and everything we want, to Christ to do with as He pleases. What do we get in return? We get Him. And He is far more than enough.

Being a Christian means surrendering everything we are, and everything we want, to Christ to do with as He pleases. What do we get in return? We get Him. And He is far more than enough.

Let’s get specific…

What is life even supposed to look like without a family… without a husband?

It is supposed to look like a godly single woman pursuing Christ, being content in Christ, and loving and serving her family, friends, and church.

Are we to marry bad men if good ones aren’t available?

Of course not. Even pagans know better than that, and certainly no doctrinally sound Christian or church would suggest such a thing, especially when the Bible commands otherwise.

Are we to forgo the joys and meaning of rearing our children and creating life?

Yes. If God doesn’t see fit for you to marry, you are absolutely to forgo those joys and meanings. You are to joyfully open your hand, let go, and sacrifice those things to Him knowing that He has something different for your life. Something that will bring more glory to Him and will consequently be better for you.

I’m beginning to get twinges of resentment towards men in general for failing me and many other great women.

Stop that right now. That is, indeed, sinful resentment. Repent of that. You also need to examine your heart and consider whether or not your desire for marriage has risen to the level of coveteousness. Demanding, idolizing, and fretting over something God has told you “no” about right now is coveting. If that’s what’s happening, repent.

“Men in general” have not failed you or anyone else. Stop blaming them. God is sovereign over every atom of this universe. If He wanted you to be married right now, you would be.

All the families and children that will never be.

There are precisely the number of families and children God wants there to be. God decides that, not people.

Life’s natural and beautiful progressions and chapters cannot take place without a good husband.

No, marriage’s natural and beautiful progressions and chapters cannot take place without a good husband. Just because you don’t have a husband doesn’t mean you don’t have a life. You have a life that, right now, is to be lived for the glory of God as a single woman. And that life is not devoid of beauty. God don’t make ugly, honey.

The enormity of the grief I’m beginning to feel if I don’t meet someone in time is beyond comprehension.

Yes, your grief is valid and real. It is also to come under the lordship of Christ and not consume you. When grief overwhelms you, praise Him. Worship Him. Thank Him. Remember His promises. Ask Him to get that grief under control and put it where it belongs: at His nail-pierced feet.

Ask God to get that grief under control and put it where it belongs: at His nail-pierced feet.

I would encourage you to read through and pray through the Psalms, especially the ones in which the psalmist cries out to God in the dark night of his soul. Nearly all of them end with him praising God. And so many of those psalms, and others, encourage us to “wait upon the Lord”.

Waiting upon the Lord is not running ten miles down the road from what He’s currently doing in your life and hollering after Him to hurry up and catch up with you, while you impatiently tap your foot and drum your fingers. Waiting upon the Lord is what we see Israel doing during their forty years in the wilderness. When the pillar of cloud set out, they would follow it to their next destination. When it stopped, they set up camp and waited for it to move again. A day. A couple of weeks. A few months. Whatever length of time it took.

“In time” is God’s time. Trusting Him includes trusting His timing.

Trusting God includes trusting His timing.

If you were to get a call one day and learn your husband and children all died… It’s like that. Except you didn’t even get to have any time with them in your life at all.

It’s nothing like that. Refusing to be content in Christ in the season of life in which He has currently placed you is not comparable to grieving the loss of my husband and children. Now, if, after I had lost them, I refused to be content in that new season of my life, that would be comparable.

Let that sink in before you judge or talk someone out of making the best out of a less than ideal situation to make a family.

Again, this is not biblical. You are speaking from fleshly grief and self pity, not from the mind of Christ or the Word of God. You’re lashing out at me because you’re hurting.

When I tell someone that the Bible says something is sin and she can’t do it, I’m not offering my biased, subjective personal opinion and pragmatic advice, nor am I “judging” her. I’m telling her what God says because I love her.

You can’t make the best out of a bad situation by sinning. You can only make the best out of a bad situation by obeying God’s Word. Sinning just makes a bad situation worse.

You can’t make the best out of a bad situation by sinning. You can only make the best out of a bad situation by obeying God’s Word. Sinning just makes a bad situation worse.

Get mad at the men.

No. It is not “the men’s” fault that you’re single or that the woman in the IVF article defied God’s plan for the family or chose to abuse a child by intentionally denying him a father. Stop blaming other people for the season of life God has sovereignly put you in, bow the knee to Him, and find your contentment in Christ.

No one wants to do it alone. I’m sure this wasn’t her preferred plan.

Is that what she’s going to say when she stands before God on Judgment Day? “So what if I defied You? I didn’t want to do it alone. This wasn’t my preferred plan.”.

This is pragmatism and excuse making.

Or start speaking to what God’s plan is for single women.

Honey, I’m one of the few doctrinally sound voices out there who is speaking to what God’s plan is for single women. And married women. And divorced women. And widowed women. And childless women. And women with children. And disabled women. And able bodied women. And women who stay home. And women who work outside the home. And…

Single women aren’t a special class of Christian, and neither are any of the other categories I just named. God’s plan for all of us is to wake up every day and live in obedience to His Word in whatever circumstances He has sovereignly placed us in. Period. That’s God’s plan for you, single woman.

And furthermore, I did speak specifically to what God’s plan was for the single woman in the IVF article and you didn’t like it. You accused me of being unsympathetic and judgmental. You can’t have it both ways.

Cause mathematically there’s more single Christian ladies than single men and this outcome is quite inevitable and predictable.

Sin. God’s will. Obedience to Scripture. None of these things are determined by statistics, by the ends justifying the means, or by pragmatism. They’re determined by God’s written Word.

Yet the church stays quiet or rails on about getting married which causes a great silent pain in many hearts like mine.

Forget what “the church” is or isn’t doing. You don’t have to listen to “the church,” you only need to concern yourself with your church. If your church is either unbiblically staying quiet or unbiblically railing on about getting married, talk to your pastor about your concerns and, if nothing changes, find a doctrinally sound church.

If your church is teaching biblically about marriage, you’re the one who needs to change. Ask God to help you. Stay in the Word and in prayer. Set up an appointment for counsel with your pastor. Find a godly older woman in your church – preferably one who’s single, if possible – to disciple you.

If you’re currently forsaking the assembly, sweep around your own front door, stop blaming “the church,” repent, and join a doctrinally sound church.

To whom shall I marry?

You’re asking the wrong question. Stop coveting a husband and start asking God how you can bloom where He has planted you. How you can glorify Him by submitting your will to His. How you can honor Him by your obedience to Scripture.

God never promised us a bed of roses on this earth. He told us to count the cost.

Now let’s all pick up our crosses and get moving. There’s Kingdom work to be done.

Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him.

1 Corinthians 7:17a

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Mailbag

The Mailbag: Salvation and the Mentally Challenged

Michelle Lesley

Originally published March 29, 2021

I have a question about people who have “simple minds”. Those who have a lack of comprehension or are slow thinkers. My son is trying to understand salvation but he is slower in thinking than others. He has learning disabilities that keep him a few years behind others his age. I’m learning to not fear and to trust Christ with his salvation but I’m wondering how I can know he is saved or what God’s word says of those with simple minds.

I think you’ve answered your own question with some very godly wisdom: don’t fear, and trust Christ with your son’s salvation. Don’t discount that wisdom God has given you, because, ultimately, that is your answer. Once we’ve shared the gospel, that’s really all any of us can do regarding the spiritual state of any friend or loved one regardless of mental capacity: Fear not. Trust Christ.

How can you know he’s saved with 100% certainty? You can’t. Just like none of us can know that another person is saved, because we can’t see that person’s heart. The only person I can know is saved, without a shadow of a doubt, is me.

If you’re married, have you and your husband discussed all of this thoroughly? If he is a Believer, he probably has some helpful insights and perspectives to offer. And, do remember, he is the spiritual leader of your home.

I would encourage you (and your husband, if you’re married) to set up an appointment with your pastor – with or without your son, depending on what your pastor suggests – to talk things out and get his wise counsel on the best ways to keep the gospel in front of your son’s eyes.

In the meantime, keep praying for – and with – your son (and that God will help you entrust your son to Him), keep teaching him the Bible, and keep taking him to church. Remember, you are only responsible for pouring the gospel into your son. It’s God’s responsibility to take what you’ve shared and do something with it in your son’s heart.

The Bible doesn’t, as far as I can recall, speak specifically to the cognitive capacity for faith of people who have “simple minds”. Some readers have probably already called to mind the childlike faith passages in the gospels, but Jesus was speaking to the quality of our faith in these passages, not to childlike cognition.

But do keep your mind on Scripture. When you’re tempted to worry, remember who God is. Remember His nature and character:

This is a God who doesn’t even take pleasure in the death of the wicked. A God who patiently bore with Israel’s sin and idolatry for centuries before executing judgment on them. A God who loved sinners so much that He sacrificed His only Son for us while we were still His enemies. A God who describes Himself as being rich in mercy. A God we see throughout Scripture caring for “the least of these” – Hagar, Mephibosheth, Bartimaeus, widows and orphans, the blind, the deaf, the crippled, the leper, the outcast.

Is this a God who would flippantly or casually damn your son to an eternity in Hell based solely on his cognitive disabilities? Does that seem to be in keeping with His nature and character?

Also remember God as Creator. God specially crafted your son the way he is in His image and for His glory just like everyone else He created. Your son’s disabilities are not a mistake or an oversight on God’s part. They are meant to bring glory to Him. Neither you nor he may fully understand how on this side of Heaven, but God does, and that’s all that matters.

And as the One who designed your son’s mind, there is no one who understands how it works, how it comprehends things, better than God does. The Holy Spirit knows how to take that gospel you’ve imparted to your son and explain it to his heart and mind in the absolute best way for your son. A way that’s specially designed uniquely for him by his Creator. Consider these passages as you think about that:

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
Psalm 139:13-16

As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust.
Psalm 103:13-14

But Moses said to the Lord, “Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue.” Then the Lord said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.”
Exodus 4:10-12

Finally remember that God knows your son’s heart and as the just judge of all the universe – Whom we’ve already established is rich in mercy – the only decision God can make regarding your son’s salvation and eternity is the right decision, whatever that might be. God knows the capabilities of your son’s heart and mind better than anyone. He knows whether your son is believing on Christ in his heart or rebelliously rejecting Christ in his heart.

For the Lord sees not as man sees:
man looks on the outward appearance,
but the Lord looks on the heart.”
1Samuel16:7b

I the Lord search the heart
and test the mind,
to give every man according to his ways,
according to the fruit of his deeds.
Jeremiah 17:10

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
Psalm 139:23-24

As moms, we often desperately want to find a way to make the “decision” for our children to place their faith in Christ for salvation because we love them and we know that’s what’s best for them. But we can’t. I can’t do it for my child any more than you can do it for your child, disability or no disability. That is between your child and Christ only.

And that brings us full circle to the answer God has already given you:

Don’t fear. Trust Christ with your son’s salvation

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Mailbag

The Mailbag: Potpourri (Women Bible Translators… Doctrinally sound deliverance ministry… Brain fog and Bible/book reading)

Michelle Lesley

Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question.

I like to take the opportunity in these potpourri editions to let new readers know about my comments/e-mail/messages policy. I’m not able to respond individually to most e-mails and messages, so here are some helpful hints for getting your questions answered more quickly. Remember, the search bar (at the very bottom of each page) can be a helpful tool!

Or maybe I answered your question already? Check out my article The Mailbag: Top 10 FAQs to see if your question has been answered and to get some helpful resources.

This was a wonderful article. I was curious how the question about women translating sermons would apply to people who translate the Bible into a new language. Usually they are in a team. But if a lady was working as part of a team would she not have to discuss Scripture with men and theology and doctrine in discussing proper word use? Would this be preaching to men and therefore not a job allowed women?

A very thoughtful question! It is always good to think about various applications of God’s Word.

I want to start my answer with a simple exercise that I hope will help all of my readers to distinguish “preaching” from “not preaching”. Assuming you attend any approximation of a doctrinally sound church, I want you to picture what your pastor does when he steps in front of the congregation during the worship service on Sunday morning. What does it look like? Is he holding a private small group discussion about doctrine or other biblical topics? Is he writing a blog article? Is he sharing the gospel one on one with a lost person? Is he posting a Bible verse on social media? Is he being interviewed? Is he recording a podcast?

No (And yet, women have been accused of “preaching to men” for doing all of these things). He is standing there, alone, exhorting, proclaiming, and teaching (hopefully expositorially) the written Word of God to the assembled local church body.

If you ever wonder whether someone is “preaching,” compare what he or she is doing to that mental picture of your pastor. Does it look basically the same? If not, it’s probably not preaching.

Let’s put a woman working on a Bible translation team through that grid. She’s working in some sort of office-type setting, using Bible translation software on her computer, doing research, interviewing native speakers, meeting with colleagues for discussions about various words, passages, etc. Does that look like what your pastor does on Sunday morning? I hope not, because that’s not what a pastor is supposed to be doing on Sunday morning. He’s supposed to be preaching the Word to the assembled local church.

The Bible prohibits women from pastoring, preaching to men, instructing men in the Scriptures, and holding authority over men in the gathering of the Body – the church – not in collaborative, non-preaching, situations like this outside the local gathering.

In fact, we have an example of this in Scripture, in Acts 18, where Priscilla and her husband, Aquila, took Apollos aside privately and “explained to him the way of God more accurately”. Priscilla is never rebuked or spoken negatively about in Scripture for having done this. In fact, Paul commends her and gives thanks for her as a helper to him and the church in Romans 16.

Are there some positions in Bible translation organizations that only qualified pastors should hold? Probably. Are there situations in which a doctrinally sound, biblically qualified pastor should make the final decision on doctrinal issues that may arise? Most likely. But generally speaking, most of the time there’s no biblical problem with a woman serving on a Bible translation team. And if there is, it’s not because Bible translation equals preaching.

I recently tried to leave the Word of Faith church, but experienced tough demonic problems. I have realized I have a spirit (not the Holy Spirit) moving in me. Are there any non NAR deliverance resources you can point me to? 

I have read the Bible 12 times cover to cover, just to share with you I am not a brand new believer and am familiar with the Scripture if you would like to share something in there.  

Yes, a doctrinally sound local church. I’m not trying to blow you off or oversimplify your problem. I’m telling you that when you experience problems like this, God’s solution is for you to go to your pastor for counsel, not to some parachurch “deliverance” ministry (even if it’s doctrinally sound, not that there is such a thing). Your pastor is responsible for shepherding your soul. Your pastor knows you, and he and your church family can walk with you through this situation 24/7.

Your pastor can also help you understand what the Bible says about what you’re experiencing. I have no doubt that you might be experiencing some sort of demonic oppression or harassment, but no one who is genuinely born again can be possessed by a demon because she is indwelt by the Holy Spirit. And reading the Bible does not equal being a Believer (I’m not saying you think it does.). There are plenty of atheists who have read the Bible numerous times. So, to come straight to the point, either you’re not genuinely saved and you might be possessed, or you are genuinely saved, and you’re misunderstanding what’s actually going on with you, spiritually. A good pastor can help you sort that out according to Scripture.

If you aren’t already in a doctrinally sound local church, find one today at the Searching for a new church? tab (in the blue menu bar at the top of this page) and make an appointment with the pastor. Explain your situation, and ask for help.

Additional Resources

What does the Bible say about demon possession? at GotQuestions

Am I Really Saved? A First John Check Up (Bible study)

Deliverance Deception playlist by Doreen Virtue

I am struggling with brain fatigue/fog and wonder if you have any advice to help me and others suffering from this frustrating problem. When I sit down to read the Bible, I can’t read more than a few verses before I feel the fatigue, and I remember nothing. It is affecting my quiet time with God. I would appreciate what Scripture has to say about this and how I can work around or overcome it.

I have a short stack of Christian books I want to read. My issue is that I have very poor reading concentration and comprehension which turns an otherwise leisurely and enjoyable pastime into a laborious and frustrating trial. I would appreciate any Biblical insight into how to overcome this disabling problem so I can enjoy reading.

I thought it was interesting that I received these very similar questions from two different readers within just a few days of each other.

This is really less a theological question than a practical one, so let me offer you what I’ve got, and then, readers, leave your tips and suggestions of what has worked for you in the comments section:

  • If your issues are neurological, ask your neurologist for help and suggestions.
  • Eat right, and get plenty of rest and exercise.
  • Cut way back on your TV and social media time. TV and social media train your brain to have a short attention span and to be distractable.
  • When it’s time to focus on Scripture or your book, get alone in a quiet room with no distractions. Turn off your phone, music, TV, etc. Use a white noise app or video if you need to.
  • Use the audio option on your Bible app or listen to Justin Peters or Gabriel Hughes read the Bible to you.
  • Find the audio book version of the book you’re trying to read.
  • Once you’re able to build up your focus as you listen to the audio version of your Bible or book, try reading along for a certain portion of that time. You might want to start with a goal of 5 minutes of reading along, then increase it by a minute every few days or so.
  • When you’re able to read along with the audio for 15-30 minutes, gradually start weaning yourself off the audio a few minutes at a time.
  • Set small, achievable time limit goals for your listening, listening/read along, and reading, and gradually increase them.
  • Take notes as you listen. The quality of the notes doesn’t matter when you first start out. Listening for something (anything!) to write down will help you focus.
  • Memorize Scripture and meditate on it throughout the day.
  • Write Scripture. Just find a passage you like and copy it down word for word (handwritten) as many times as you like. It will help you memorize Scripture and also keep your focus on reading it as you’re copying it.

Readers, any other suggestions that have worked well for you? Comment below.

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

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The Mailbag: What’s In a Name?

Michelle Lesley

Originally published July 22, 2019

How should my child and I refer to a child who is transitioning (girl to boy)? This is not a child with whom we are close. She is the granddaughter of a neighbor and visits them once or twice a year. Because she and my daughter are near the same age (tweens), they spend time together while she is visiting. 

She recently arrived for a visit and informed my daughter that she is transitioning and wants to be called Brandon* instead of Shannon from now on. She now dresses like a boy and has a male-looking haircut.

I have already talked to my daughter about the biblical issues at play and have explained that we need to be loving and kind to her friend, but also not cooperate with her delusion of becoming a boy.

I don’t want to use the pronoun “he” to refer to this child because it is not biologically possible and it is sinful to try to change the gender God gave you. But what about her transition name (Brandon)? People change their names and I don’t think that’s sinful. But to change it for the purpose of denying your God-given gender would be.

Would you call her by her given name or her new name?
*Names changed

This is such a heartbreaking situation, and it’s happening way too often. So called “gender reassignment” is physically, psychologically, and spiritually abusive. Children in sexual identity sin need loving, kind, supportive, biblical help, not for someone, especially their parents who are supposed to protect them and do what’s best for them, to enable them in their dysfunction.

You didn’t ask about this, and you might already be doing it, but could I suggest two things before we get into the names and pronouns? Pray fervently for this child. Pray by yourself, with your daughter, with your whole family. Pray for her parents and grandparents. Pray for opportunities to share the gospel with all of them. This child is in for a very painful life, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

In addition to loving her and sharing the gospel with her, try to do little things that will subtly continue to keep Jesus in front of her eyes whenever she’s with your family: say the blessing before meals, invite her to go with you to the church picnic or youth activities at church, do a mother-daughter Bible study every morning and ask her if she’d like to join you and your daughter. Don’t beat her over the head with these things or stop doing things with her that she would consider “normal” (going for a swim or out to get hamburgers), but try little avenues like this for introducing her to Christ.

Now as far as calling this little girl “Brandon” and using male pronouns for her, I would probably land very close to where you are on the issue. The way we use and understand language as human beings is very impactful, which is precisely why we’re starting to see people getting fired from their jobs for refusing to use male pronouns for women who think they’re men, and vice versa. Changing the language changes the tide of the movement. Once the people pushing this agenda get the language changed, changing laws, hearts, and attitudes is much easier for them. They even think it can change reality – that a woman can actually become a man and a man can actually become a woman.

As Christians, we should recognize better than anyone how integral someone’s name can be to her identity. God’s name is I AM. It’s not just an arbitrary label chosen for its mellifluous lilt. That is the essence of who He is. Matthew gives us two names for God’s Son – Jesus, “Yahweh saves,” and Immanuel, “God with us” – these names tell us His true identity and purpose. And all over the Bible, we see the importance of a person’s name to his or her identity. People’s names often had ontological meaning. And sometimes God changed a Bible character’s name at a milestone moment to indicate that that he was moving into a new phase of life. Abram to Abraham. Sarai to Sarah. Jacob to Israel.

Interestingly, there’s even an incident in the Bible that parallels the name-changing issue today. When Nebuchadnezzar took the people of Judah captive and changed the names of Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah to Belteshazzar, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, he did so as a method of forcibly assimilating them into their new identity as Babylonian slaves in Babylonian culture. He was attempting to change their entire identity – the way they thought about themselves – from sons of God to conquered slaves of Babylon and make that new identity a reality. And that’s what’s going on with Shannon as well as the sexual identity agenda “pronoun police.” The change of name and pronouns is an attempt to change the new identity of the person into a reality. But every time someone uses the biologically correct name and pronouns for someone in sexual identity sin, that person is jolted out of her delusion of being the opposite sex and right back into the inescapable reality of the sex God created her to be. (It’s the sexual identity sin version of the positive confession aspect of Word of Faith theology: If you just believe hard enough and say all the right things and never the wrong things, you can speak your desires into existence. Scary, huh?)

So when someone in sexual identity sin asks you to call her by an opposite sex name and pronouns, it’s not some “no big deal” kind of thing. Whether that person realizes it or not, she is asking you to help perpetuate her delusion and protect her from being confronted by the reality of the way God created her, so that she can continue believing that what she wants to be true actually is true.

I have said on previous occasions that Christians shouldn’t use opposite sex names or pronouns (or made up/incorrect pronouns like “ze,” “fae,” or “them/their”- referring to an individual) for all of the aforementioned reasons and more. I do understand that for various reasons of employment, family peace, and so on, there are godly people out there who may decide in their own circumstances to use opposite sex names and pronouns for people in sexual identity sin, and I want to make clear that, while I almost certainly would not agree with those decisions, I don’t necessarily think those godly people are, across the board, sinning by doing so. This is a tough issue to navigate because the Bible doesn’t explicitly tell us what to do in this situation. We need to prayerfully examine the issue and the Scriptures and follow our biblically informed consciences in our particular situations. So please hear me clearly: this reader asked what I would do in her particular situation (which doesn’t involve the possibility of losing a job, being arrested, etc.) so that’s how I’m going to answer.

I could not, without violating my biblically informed conscience, call Shannon Brandon and start using male pronouns for her. However, I would also realize that she is going to feel hurt by not being called Brandon, which could cause her to distance herself from my family and the gospel influence we could have upon her.

The way you worded your e-mail, it sounds like Shannon came in and sort of announced or told your daughter that her name is Brandon now or that’s what she’d like to be called. Shannon announcing this is not the same thing as you and your daughter agreeing to comply with it.

Personally, what I would do, is just skip using formal names and not worry about the pronouns. The pronouns will be easier to dispense with because he/him/his and she/her/hers are third person pronouns. In other words, you use them when talking about someone (to another person), not when you’re talking to someone. When you’re talking to someone, you use second person pronouns (you/your/yours) which are already gender neutral.

Avoiding using Shannon’s formal name may also be easier than you realize, especially since you don’t see her very frequently. Think about how often you actually use your husband’s, children’s, or friends’ names when speaking directly to them in conversation. Usually, we don’t start a conversation with someone we’re sitting across from by saying, “Bob, let me tell you about my day,” we just start talking. We also use pet names (sweetie, kiddo, my friend) and nicknames (Green Eyes, Tiger, Boss). Some people are in the habit of calling others by their last names, military style. If Shannon’s “boy name” and “girl name” started with the same letter (ex: going from Shannon Johnson to Steve Johnson) you could call her by her initials.

One of the main reasons people in my house call each other by name is if we’re trying to get that person’s attention or call them from another room. Instead of your daughter calling to Shannon from another room or through a closed door, “Shannon, would you like a drink?”, teach your daughter to walk up to Shannon, tap her on the shoulder, or wait until she comes into the room, and ask her the question once the two have made eye contact. (She’s probably already good at this since most kids that age have earbuds in all the time!) Among kids, “Hey!” “Yoo hoo!” or a yoo hoo-type whistle to get her attention can also work. Keep all of these kinds of things lighthearted and casual, and Shannon might not even notice. Meanwhile, you can keep on loving her and sharing the gospel with her.

Anyway, that’s the kind of thing I would do unless Shannon point blank says something like, “I want to be called Brandon. Will you please call me that?” or “Why aren’t you calling me Brandon?”. At that point, you or your daughter will need to lovingly and briefly explain that in the same way Shannon feels uncomfortable being called a girl name, your daughter feels uncomfortable calling her a boy name. Ask Shannon if there’s some kind of compromise she and your daughter could make (initials, nickname, “secret code names” they can have fun making up, etc.) that would make both of them feel comfortable.

If she wants to know why you/your daughter feel uncomfortable, lovingly tell her the truth. “We love God. God made you a girl. If we call you by a boy’s name, we feel like we would be saying He did something wrong or made a mistake, or that we would be lying about how He made you. But we do still love you and still want to be friends.” If you feel like it would be appropriate or helpful, you might want the grandparents to be present while you have this conversation. You and your daughter might also want to role play this scenario ahead of time so that she will feel prepared when it’s time to have this conversation.

When you have this conversation with Shannon, you need to understand that it most likely won’t be well-received and that it could very well be the last conversation you have with her. Her grandparents may be angry with you. Her parents may be angry with you. As Christians who stand firmly and lovingly on Scripture, we should expect the world to hate us.

If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours. But all these things they will do to you on account of my name, because they do not know Him who sent me. John 15:18-21

Do not be surprised, brothers, that the world hates you. 1 John 3:13

But Christ calls us to separate ourselves from the world and be loyal to Him even if it costs us everything- including those we love the most:

Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
Matthew 10:37

The gospel divides. And Christians are always called to stand on Christ’s side of the divide.

Yet, we should also remember Christ’s promises to us:

Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you. Matthew 5:11-12

But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. But let none of you suffer as a murderer or a thief or an evildoer or as a meddler. Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name. 1 Peter 4:13-16

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

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The Mailbag: Potpourri (Teaching Dad the Bible… Event planning… Children’s Sunday School)

Michelle Lesley

Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question.

I like to take the opportunity in these potpourri editions to let new readers know about my comments/e-mail/messages policy. I’m not able to respond individually to most e-mails and messages, so here are some helpful hints for getting your questions answered more quickly. Remember, the search bar (at the very bottom of each page) can be a helpful tool!

Or maybe I answered your question already? Check out my article The Mailbag: Top 10 FAQs to see if your question has been answered and to get some helpful resources.

My parents have not attended a church as their home church for years. I have tried to encourage them to seek out a church family and how important it is but this has not happened for various reasons. My mom had been asking about Bible study and I offered to her I could study with her a few times a month at her home with one of your studies. I’m not sure where my Dad sits with Christ. If he decides he wants to sit at the table and listen is that ok or should I stop and say something- I’d be disobeying God?

I’m sorry. I know that’s a tough dilemma to be in with your parents because you care about them so much.

It’s wonderful that your mother is at least interested in Bible study! What could be better than God convicting and convincing her of the gospel, sin, the need for a good church, and so on. I would encourage you to jump on that opportunity right away!

If I might offer a suggestion, I would encourage you to start either by working through the Scriptures and materials at my gospel presentation page, What Must I Do to be Saved?, with her, or working through my Bible study on 1 John, Am I Really Saved?, or both.

There are two reasons for this: a) when someone has been out of church that long with little desire to return, the most likely reason is that she was never genuinely saved in the first place, and b) if she’s not saved, Bible study, for the purpose of growing in Christ, is not going to work, because she’s not yet in Christ. (You can and should still do Bible study with an unbeliever, though, if she’s willing, because God can use any part of His Word to draw her to Himself for salvation.)

All of the above is also true for your dad. If he’s unsaved, any Bible study he listens to would come under the heading of evangelism, and it is not unbiblical for a woman to share the gospel with a man (see #11 here).

If he is saved, what would be ideal is if your husband, brother, or another man who’s a Believer could disciple him and do Bible study with him, because he needs a godly man to teach him how to be a godly man. That’s not something you as a woman can do.

But if that’s not possible at this time, there’s no reason not to include him in the study you’re doing with your mother. The Bible prohibits women from pastoring, preaching to men, instructing men in the Scriptures, and holding authority over men in the gathering of the Body – the church – not in private, at home, family situations which, one way or the other, are almost certain to be temporary.

In fact, we have an example of this in Scripture, in Acts 18, where Priscilla and her husband, Aquila, took Apollos aside privately and “explained to him the way of God more accurately”. Priscilla is never rebuked or spoken negatively about in Scripture for having done this. In fact, Paul commends her and gives thanks for her as a helper to him and the church in Romans 16.

Enjoy your study time with Mom and Dad.

At our church which seems to be very theologically sound, my husband and I have got the OK to put together a marriage weekend. Various sessions. Please know I never actively seek a leading role however it seems if a person has an idea the job defaults to them. What are some safe parameters in this situation?

Great question. It’s always good to think these things through. When you say you’re “putting together” a marriage weekend, what that means to me is that you’re planning it. You’re deciding the date and time, making sure the sanctuary or other space at the church is available, making up fliers, finding a speaker(s), decorating, planning the menu, scheduling the caterer … you know – event planning.

Your pastor should certainly vet and approve the speaker(s) and all the other details, but event planning is not prohibited for women anywhere in Scripture.

If you’re asking me whether or not you should speak or teach at the conference, if you’re doctrinally sound, you know your Bible well, and you’re able to teach, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t teach the women at the conference. You should not teach the men. Those are really the only parameters you need. A couple of extra resources you might find helpful:

Rock Your Role: Jill in the Pulpit

Rock Your Role FAQs

I completely agree with simply teaching from the Bible vs. canned studies for adults, but what about children’s Sunday school? Various ages. Packaged curriculums have some fun bright coloured worksheets and applicable songs, etc., with the lessons. Answers in Genesis has small video clips. Not trying to make Sunday School a party but children enjoy music and visuals. Would love your thoughts.

I have taught every age from bed babies through adult women in Sunday School, so you’ve come to the right place! Appropriate hymns and songs – especially Scripture memory songs, in Sunday School – are great for any age class. For the youngest children, there’s certainly nothing wrong with coloring sheets or brief videos after the Bible lesson and to supplement the Bible lesson. All of those things can be a way of reinforcing the biblical concepts you’ve taught the children in the Bible lesson. But I would suggest gradually weaning them off the coloring sheets and videos once they hit about third or fourth grade, and replacing them with more time focused on discussing the passage, Scripture memory, prayer, etc.

When it’s time for the Bible lesson, read it to the children straight from the Bible, not a quarterly, booklet, photocopy, etc. You might want to use a children’s Bible for younger children, then move to a simply worded translation for older children, stopping along the way, of course to ask questions and make sure everyone understands. Even at the youngest ages, you want to model studying and teaching straight from the text of Scripture rather than relying on a “canned” study.

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.