Tag: Christian Women

Christian women, Ministry

Mary and Martha and Jesus and Women’s Ministry

Michelle Lesley

You remember the story. Jesus comes to Mary and Martha’s house. Martha’s Pinteresting up the place while Mary sits at Jesus’ feet to listen to Him teach. Martha gripes to Jesus that Mary should help her and Jesus says no because it’s better for her to listen to Him than fold napkins into the shape of swans or whatever. Moral of the story- Martha needs to relax and not let other things distract her from Jesus.

That’s a good, true, and important takeaway from this passage, and one that we would all do well to heed.

But did you ever stop to think that Mary and Martha aren’t the main characters in this story? Jesus is. Jesus is the main character in every Bible story, so our primary focus should always be on Him: what He said and did and was like.

Did you ever stop to think that Mary and Martha aren’t the main characters in this story? Jesus is.

What was Jesus teaching that day at Mary and Martha’s house? The passage doesn’t tell us the topic He was speaking about, but we are privy to a very important lesson He imparted through the scenario with Mary and Martha. A lesson about the way God loves and values women.

Remember how women were generally regarded at that time? They didn’t have much more value than livestock, furniture, or a man’s other possessions. They were considered intellectually inferior, they weren’t formally educated, and their legal and social standing were often tenuous at best. They could not go beyond the Court of the Women at the temple for worship. There was even a traditional prayer Jewish men recited in which they thanked God for not making them a woman, a Gentile, or a slave. Women were low man on the totem pole, so to speak.

And that’s where we find Martha. She wasn’t doing anything wrong that day. In fact, in her culture, she was doing everything right. If anything, Mary would have been the one viewed as being in the wrong because the teaching was for the men, and it was the women’s job to bustle around taking care of all the hospitality duties. Martha knew this. Mary knew this. Jesus knew this. Everyone else present knew this. Martha must have wondered why someone hadn’t yet shooed Mary out of the living room and into the kitchen. So her statement to Jesus in verse 40, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me,” was probably not just, “I need another pair of hands,” but also a bit of, “Mary is forgetting her place. This isn’t what proper women do.”

Oh yes, it is.

Whatever else He might have been lecturing about that day, that was one of the lessons Jesus taught Mary, Martha, the rest of their guests, and Christendom at large.

Women aren’t second class citizens in the Kingdom of God. We are precious and valuable to Him. He has important, worthwhile work for us to do – His way – in the body of Christ. And He wants us trained in His Word in order to carry out that work.

How did Jesus teach that lesson?

First, He allowed Mary to stay and receive His teaching (39). (We see this echoed in God’s instruction to the church in 1 Timothy 2:11: “LET a woman learn…”) It hadn’t slipped Jesus’ mind that she was sitting there. He could have told her to leave, but He had no intention of doing so. Jesus wanted Mary there. He wanted to teach her and to have her learn God’s word from Him.

Next, when someone tried to take Mary away from hearing and being trained in God’s word, Jesus – God Himself – answered with a resounding NO. This “will not be taken away from her,” Jesus said. Mary, and Martha too (41), could arrange centerpieces or turn a cookie into a work of art any time or never. But this, the teaching of God’s Word, was urgent. Vital. Jesus didn’t want either of them to miss it by focusing on the trivial things they thought they should be pursuing.

And He doesn’t want us to miss it either, ladies.

Jesus pulled women out of the craft room and into the study. Is the women’s ministry at your church trying to pull them back?

Jesus pulled women out of the craft room and into the study. Is the women’s ministry at your church trying to pull them back?

Is the women’s events page on your church’s web site filled exclusively with painting parties, fashion shows, ladies’ teas, and scrapbook sessions?

Does your women’s ministry do canned “Bible” studies authored by women who offer nothing but personal stories, experiences, and false doctrine?

Are the Marys in your church who want to sit at the feet of Jesus and hear His word rightly handled and taught being scolded by the Marthas for not staying in their place and embracing the banality the women’s ministry is doling out?

Are the Marys in your church who want to sit at the feet of Jesus and hear His word rightly handled and taught being scolded by the Marthas for not staying in their place and embracing the banality the women’s ministry is doling out?

Is this it? Is this all women are good for in the church- fluff and false doctrine?

Jesus didn’t think so.

Let’s have our women’s ministries train women in the full scope of biblical womanhood. Let’s be serious students of God’s Word by picking it up and studying it like mature women. Let’s get equipped to teach and disciple other women who are babes in Christ. Let’s share the gospel with the lost. Let’s learn how to train our own children in the Scriptures and be the ones to raise the bar for what the kids at our church are being taught. Let’s roll up our sleeves and get our hands dirty ministering to those who are ill, in prison, lonely, poor, elderly, considering abortion, experiencing crisis; who have wayward children, problems in their marriages, a parent with Alzheimer’s, or have lost a loved one.

Is this it? Is this all women are good for in the church- fluff and false doctrine?

Women are worth more and capable of more than the bill of goods they’re being sold by “Christian” retailers suggests. More than cutesy crafts and fairy tales masquerading as biblical teaching. Let’s put the “ministry” – ministry of the Word and ministry to others – back in “women’s ministry.”

Women are worth more and capable of more than the bill of goods they’re being sold by “Christian” retailers suggests.

Guest Posts

Guest Post: The Ministry of Encouragement

Michelle Lesley

If your theology pretty much matches up with mine (as outlined in the “Welcome” and “Statement of Faith” tabs) and you’d like to contribute a guest post, drop me an e-mail at MichelleLesley1@yahoo.com, and let’s chat about it.

michael coughlin encouragement

The Ministry of Encouragement
by Michael Coughlin

How well do you have to know someone before you can speak truth into their life? I had a phone call today with a testimony I wanted to share with you that helps answer that question.

But first, some background information is required. In 2015, I traveled to Indianapolis to assist Sports Fan Outreach International in preaching the gospel to the Final Four fans. I was speaking with another evangelist when he introduced me to his friend, Pam. Pam open air preached, he said. I don’t recall exactly how the conversation went, but I was asked what I thought of that.

Here is where conventional (or dare I say ‘worldly’?) wisdom dictates that I ought to have offered Pam a cup of Starbucks and gotten to know her situation better. Maybe she’d had a childhood with an abusive father, or had been saved from hearing a woman preacher, right? Surely that insight, as well as building her trust in me was paramount to simply telling her what the Scripture teaches, right?

Well, as you can guess, I disagree. Not that making friends with folks and ‘being relational’ is bad, but I just didn’t have time for that. I was on the streets intending to reach the lost with the gospel and found myself in the conversation. So I gently but firmly explained that I do not believe a woman should preach and shared a couple reasons from Scripture.

She received my explanation and told me that she generally didn’t disagree. Her issue was that, although she thought women ought not preach, the lack of male preachers getting out and doing the work dictated that someone had to. So, in what seemed like an earnest attempt to please the Lord and do His work, she started preaching.

Again, without having more than a 6 minute relationship with her at this point, I explained to her that she was doing exactly what Sarah did when she gave Hagar to Abraham in order to produce the promised child. Sarah, having been given a promise by God, did not see how God would fulfill the promise, so she took the matter into her own hands. Sarah (and Pam), genuinely believed this is how God’s promise would be fulfilled. I don’t pray for a job and then not send out resumes. Simply “relying on God” isn’t an excuse for inaction. But in this case, Sarah (and Pam), had gone outside of the lines God has drawn for us to accomplish things. Sarah committed sin by giving her husband another woman, and Pam was sinning by violating God’s command to women not to preach. In each case, they were not acting wisely. Truly trusting in God is knowing He will fulfill His purposes, and that it will not be by asking His followers to sin. (Note: but He will USE His followers’ sin to accomplish His good will, Rom. 8:28).

Our time together ended amicably. The phone call I had today revealed that God used that conversation in Pam’s heart and she has given up preaching. She continues to evangelize and hand out tracts. In other words, God used the proclaiming of His truth in Pam’s life, by the power of the Holy Spirit –despite the lack of nuance I could afford in my speech and relationship we had time to build. Pam was able to receive my words because Pam was humble and my words were true. It really had nothing to do with my kindness or my desire or ability empathize with Pam, although God may have used those things as well.

As you can imagine, I was greatly encouraged by this in the Lord. (Philemon 20)

There are three primary takeaways I want you, the reader, to think about in regards to this story.

First, I did not need to build a relationship with Pam to speak truth into her life. My reliance on the inerrancy, infallibility and sufficiency of Scripture was the only requirement. Now, that is never an excuse to act ungodly. We also trust that as God gives us opportunities to interact with people, He will use the sanctification we’ve received to that point as part of the relationship. So it is possible I actually was kind and compassionate, etc., my point is that those things aren’t the same as the power of God’s Word to pierce hearts (Acts 4:12).

Secondly, you never know how God is working in someone’s life when you are not there. We are very “seeing” oriented. Sometimes God does a good work when you are not looking. So don’t lose hope. I didn’t need to be in Pam’s life daily or weekly or actually ever for God to use His Word to effect a wonderful change in her.

Finally, I cannot explain how greatly encouraged I was by this anecdote. I spend my life preaching and teaching, discipling and being discipled, and I can tell you the “apparent” success is often bleak. Even joyful moments are often overshadowed by an “I can never do enough” attitude. I hear of a person responding to something positively and I can recall dozens of situations that never appeared to improve. I need this kind of encouragement. So did Paul. So do you. And so does someone in your life. Someone you know needs to know how their work for Jesus Christ has had a good result. Someone needs to know you are thinking of them and praying for them.

While writing this post, I got an email from someone I don’t know too well that said, “Brother, Just thinking about you and praying for fruits of your labors. God bless you brother.” I can only imagine there is someone in your life that needs a similar message. It may prevent you from having to deal with a situation such as I have linked to here.

Michael Coughlin is a street evangelist from Ohio. He and his wife, Erin have 5 children. You can find him on Twitter, at his blog, or on Sermon Audio.

ALTHOUGH I DO MY BEST TO THOROUGHLY VET THE THEOLOGY OF THE BLOGGERS WHO SUBMIT GUEST POSTS, IT IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE FOR THINGS TO SLIP THROUGH THE CRACKS. PLEASE MAKE SURE ANY BLOGGER YOU FOLLOW, INCLUDING ME, RIGHTLY AND FAITHFULLY HANDLES GOD’S WORD AND HOLDS TO SOUND BIBLICAL DOCTRINE.
Guest Posts

Guest Post: Daughters of the King Don’t Take Personality Tests

Michelle Lesley

If your theology pretty much matches up with mine (as outlined in the “Welcome” and “Statement of Faith” tabs) and you’d like to contribute a guest post, drop me an e-mail at MichelleLesley1@yahoo.com,
and let’s chat about it.Jessica Pickowicz Personality Tests

Daughters of the King Don’t Take Personality Tests
by Jessica Pickowicz

Scrolling through my Facebook news feed this week I must have come across at least half a dozen personality tests all calling to me — all begging me to answer their questions so each one could tell me who I really am. Am I an introvert or an extrovert? Am I emotional or intellectual? Am I an Anna or an Elsa? (Okay, broke down and took that one!)

One test analyzed finger lengths by having the reader match her hand to various images of hands; each hand shape was assigned a different personality type.

Another test was ready to label its curious victim as a lion, golden retriever, otter, or other mammal.

And there are always those zodiacs lurking around ready to tell you exactly who you are and how you are feeling today.

So what’s the draw? Why are we (I’m speaking to women specifically) so eager to have some secular psychology test, some dim-witted computer algorithm, or some pagan superstition profile our personalities and define our character?

It’s been said that “the greatest human desire is to be KNOWN.” We just want to be known. In our broken flesh, we want to be honored, accepted, validated, and loved. And for a person who is godless, these tests are downed like painkillers. They are momentary relief, momentary security, in a world of pain, bewilderment, and fear — a world of feeling unknown.

I’ve been there myself. Before Christ, I was a junkie for this stuff. I loved my daily “horror-scope” and was especially eager to read the “love and romance” section. Why? Because when you’re lonely, when you don’t know a thing about God, His providence, sovereignty, sufficiency, and most of all His love, you reach for these things to soothe. It was a comfort to believe, even for a moment, that someone or something was steering my ship; that fate, chance, astrology, or even science could give me some direction and navigation through this life.

But here is the BIG trouble. The inexcusable rebellion is when churches pander to this. It is when churches administer these personality tests in a veiled attempt to help believers discover their spiritual gifts, identity, and purpose. It is when churches look anywhere but to His divine power for anything pertaining to life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3).

As Christians, ladies, we must reject this false teaching. Say it with me, “I am a daughter of royal birth. My Father is King of Heaven and Earth.” What more, in Heaven and Earth, do we need when our Father is the Most High God?! We must not search anywhere but Scripture for our purpose, calling, gifting, and direction. For “all Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16-17). Nothing about these personality tests are biblical or God-glorifying. And here are some reasons why.

1. Personality tests put the focus on self-identity and not on our chief end. Essentially, personality tests are egocentric. When we are self-focused we don’t see or appreciated the greater scope of God’s mighty, sovereign, and providential work in our lives. It’s a form of pride to be preoccupied with self-identification, covertly seeking one’s own glory. However, when I look beyond myself and I realize God’s plan for me isn’t really about me; it’s about Him and His glory, then my striving in this life should only be this: to be less like myself (or whatever best version of myself I am aspiring to be) and more like Christ (John 3:30; 1 Corinthians 11:1; Ephesians 5:1) because I love Him. Once we realize that creation, salvation, and consummation, are all to be “to the praise of His glory” (Ephesians 1:6a, 12, 14), then a personality test will just look like a ridiculous waste of time.

This truth should bring you a great sense of peace, dear sister. The heavy yoke of “finding yourself” is off your shoulders, because you have already been found! Rest in this. Meditate on it.

2. Personality tests stunt sanctification. As we grow in the Lord we change to be more like Christ. These tests have a way of holding us back and pigeon-holing us to a place that might not be in line with God’s will and ultimate plan for our lives. Furthermore, it sets us up to neglect obeying God in areas that (some silly tests said) are “not within our gifting” and robs us of the blessing of serving as needs arise, as God calls. We must understand that our spiritual gifting is far less of a concern of God than our obedience. We must not operate within some comfortable sphere that some test has insulated.

3. Personality tests put man’s wisdom above God’s wisdom. This is similar to the above point. We must remember that His ways are higher than ours (Isaiah 55:8-9) and our hearts are deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9). Sometimes secular psychology and man’s wisdom can seem very smart and very alluring. When it comes to parenting I’ve found myself fighting the desire to scour the internet for advice. But I know that there is no wisdom of man that can beat-out the Wisdom of God found in Scripture (1 Cor. 1:18-31). His ways are perfect (Psalm 18:30).

4. Personality tests reinforce and perpetuate a lack of trust in God. When we are looking to a man-made test for validation of our identity and worth we demonstrate distrust, because we are looking to every other place except Him. We were made in His image and likeness (Gen. 1:26-27), and in salvation, we are re-made as new creations in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17). Therefore, our sole identity as believers is in Jesus Christ Himself.

5. Personality tests are man’s attempt to undermine God in His power, glory, authority, wisdom, sovereignty, faithfulness, and love. This last point culminates all previous points. If you remember nothing else, remember this.

Here’s my final thought: Earlier I quoted the secular axiom, “The greatest human desire is to be KNOWN.” To a secular world-view the assumption is to be known by other people. For Christians, this must not be our concern whatsoever. The Bible teaches that we must die to self. It teaches that we will be rejected and persecuted for our beliefs. People on this earth will not know (honor, accept, validate, or love) us. However, God knows us. And that, sweet sister, should be all the knowing we need!

“But now that you have come to know God, or rather to be known by God, how can you turn your back again to the weak and worthless elementary principles of the world, whose slaves you want to be once more?” Galatians 4:9

In closing, I have a questionnaire of my own.

– Have you been saved by the grace of God through faith in the work of Jesus Christ on the cross?

– Is your chief end to glorify Him in all things and love Him forever?

– Do you believe that His power gives you everything you need for life and godliness?

– Do you believe the Bible can equip you for every good work?

– Do you trust God’s plan and will for your life?

– Is your identity in Christ alone?

If you have been born again as a Christian, and answered yes to all six questions, then you are undoubtedly a daughter of the Most High God. And as such, you are hereby exempt from all further personality testing.

God intimately knows each and every one of us. And His desire for us, for godly living, is found in His Word. As for our personalities? We are His children, made in His image. So next time you’re tempted to click “Take the Test” don’t waste your time on vain pursuits, opt out, and turn here instead:

Titus 2
Galatians 5
1 Peter 3
Psalm 139
All of Proverbs!
Oh, btw – I’m totally an Anna! (In case you were wondering.)

Jessica is wife to New England pastor Nate Pickowicz. She is a homeschooling mom of two. She is a passionate writer who has a big heart for biblical teaching and women’s ministry.

ALTHOUGH I DO MY BEST TO THOROUGHLY VET THE THEOLOGY OF THE BLOGGERS WHO SUBMIT GUEST POSTS, IT IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE FOR THINGS TO SLIP THROUGH THE CRACKS. PLEASE MAKE SURE ANY BLOGGER YOU FOLLOW, INCLUDING ME, RIGHTLY AND FAITHFULLY HANDLES GOD’S WORD AND HOLDS TO SOUND BIBLICAL DOCTRINE.
Guest Posts

Guest Post: How to Survive a Wimpy Women’s Ministry

Michelle Lesley

If your theology pretty much matches up with mine (as outlined in the “Welcome” and “Statement of Faith” tabs) and you’d like to contribute a guest post, drop me an e-mail at MichelleLesley1@yahoo.com,
and let’s chat about it.Kim Wine Wimpy Womens Ministry

How to Survive a Wimpy Women’s Ministry
by Kim Wine

Vanessa was excited to attend the weeknight women’s ministry event. A new friend had recently invited her to their annual women’s conference. Vanessa’s own church was extremely small and had no women’s ministry, so she was excited to attend an event that would edify her and train her in righteousness through the Word of God. She walked in with joyful expectation of tools to help her in her spiritual growth.

Upon entering the event, Vanessa was given her itinerary. The day was filled with craft projects, networking activities, and tips on how to create a more hospitable home environment. Vanessa maintained an optimistic attitude, still looking forward to the keynote speaker. Unfortunately, Vanessa left weeping, feeling discouraged and disappointed and even emptier than she felt when she walked in the event. The speaker delivered a highly motivating speech that “empowered” women and made them feel loved and accepted and “at peace” with God and each other…. And it was woefully devoid of Scripture, the gospel, or any mention of sin or repentance.

Maybe you’re like Vanessa and have experienced something similar? Have you walked away from women’s events at churches and wondered “what on earth just happened? Wasn’t I supposed to know more about my Lord at the end?” How do we change the culture of women’s ministry in today’s churches? I believe the solution lies in the discernment developed in the lives of both the ministry leader and the participant. Both participants and leaders must have a discerning mind and heart about what they’re allowing to be taught.

The Participant

Let’s assume you’re just like Vanessa. You don’t feel led by the Lord to be a women’s ministry leader, but you’re desperately hungry for more from your women’s ministry. What do you do to encourage your leader to be discerning in the teaching choices she makes?

1. Become discerning yourself. It is your responsibility to be knowledgeable about the Word of God. No one else is responsible to spoon-feed you. (1 John 2:27) You have the Holy Spirit indwelling you to remind you of the things you have learned (John 14:26), but you must learn them first in order to recall them.

2. Be an active participant. (Hebrews 10:23-25) You may not like what’s going on in your women’s ministry. Tea parties and testimonies may be the last thing you want to spend your time doing. But as long as the teaching you are receiving isn’t heretical (of course you shouldn’t stick around for false teaching), being active is the only way to develop a good relationship with your ministry leader. Ladies, I realize this is a hard one. I don’t like wasting my time and I’m sure you don’t either. But developing relationships takes your presence. It is not a waste of time to form a relationship that could give you future opportunity to disciple another woman to more depth and discernment.

3. Become a trusted friend of your women’s ministry leader. Take her to coffee and get to know her with no agenda. Be a support for her. Offer to help with events. You just might find out you both have the same heart for depth and discernment and you’re striving for the same goals. Maybe she’s working toward the same things you long for as well.

4. Be patient and consistent. It takes a while to turn a whole ship around. Give her time and space to work toward something new. Depth and discernment could be something the women in your church are unfamiliar with. As long as you’re seeing growth – even if it’s incremental – stay plugged in and be her biggest cheerleader. Show her that you can be trusted. And gently, as the Lord opens doors in your relationship with your leader, make good suggestions about teachers, authors, and materials.

The Women’s Ministry Leader

If you have been given the task of leading women, you have been given a very critical role in the life of your church. Women are very easily deceived by false teaching. (2 Timothy 3:6-7) Your job is to be a second line of defense after your pastor to protect these women. Don’t take it lightly. What can you do to train your women to be discerning?

1. Bring in great speakers. Only allow speakers who saturate your women in the Truth of the Word of God. Do not allow women to hear false teaching. Test your speakers against the Word of God. (1 John 4:1) Testimonies are empowering and emotional. But testimonies can never edify like the pure milk of the Word of God. (1 Peter 2:2) Make sure your speaker is faithful to the text.

2. Spend more time on Scripture than you do on activities. Make the Word of God the central part of your ministry. Women should be able to come to any event scheduled and know that whatever the activity is, it will be secondary to the Word of God. Teach your women to crave the Word by making it the main course of every event. Always. Be consistent with this and you will start to see your women change from the inside out

3. Schedule and attend sound Bible studies within your church. Leaders, if you want your women to learn to be discerning, you must offer in-depth Bible study. You may not be able to commit to being the teacher, but you can assign a godly, mature woman to teach the study. Maybe someone like Vanessa? If you are not the teacher, make it a priority to attend at least one of the women’s studies within your church. You must lead by example. The women in your church will take their cues about what’s important from two people – their pastor’s wife, and the women’s ministry leader. Be a great example so that you can echo Paul when he told others to follow his example. (1 Corinthians 11:1, 1 Corinthians 4:16, Philippians 3:17)

4. Get involved in the women’s lives. In order to discern where your women are spiritually, you must know them well. Make yourself available for the ladies. Be approachable. If you see someone struggling, ask her how you can pray for her. Just be there. You are not going to know what to offer your women if you don’t really know your women. Acts 2:43-47 gives us a beautiful picture of the church simply “doing life” together. Emulate that in your women’s ministry.

Whether you are a participant or a leader, you can make a huge difference in the women’s ministry of your church. Be consistent. Be faithful. And, by all means, be discerning. Then teach others to replicate the pattern.

I know there are many godly women reading this post who have been “in the trenches” of women’s ministry leadership for many years. Please comment any other insight you have that would help edify our women’s ministries.

Kim Wine is a Bible study teacher and speaker whose passion is to teach women how to study the Word for themselves. She is the Women’s Ministry Director at Glory Books, a Bible study equipping website. She also co-hosts the Women’s Hope Podcast each Wednesday at Glory Books, which offers biblical solutions for tough women’s issues. You can read more from Kim on her personal blog. Connect with Kim on Twitter, Facebook, or by emailing womenshope@glorybooks.org.

ALTHOUGH I DO MY BEST TO THOROUGHLY VET THE THEOLOGY OF THE BLOGGERS WHO SUBMIT GUEST POSTS, IT IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE FOR THINGS TO SLIP THROUGH THE CRACKS. PLEASE MAKE SURE ANY BLOGGER YOU FOLLOW, INCLUDING ME, RIGHTLY AND FAITHFULLY HANDLES GOD’S WORD AND HOLDS TO SOUND BIBLICAL DOCTRINE.
Guest Posts

Guest Post ~ A Lady First: Being a Pastor’s Wife

Michelle Lesley

If your theology pretty much matches up with mine (as outlined in the “Welcome” and “Statement of Faith” tabs) and you’d like to contribute a guest post, drop me an e-mail at MichelleLesley1@yahoo.com,
and let’s chat about it.

kesha-griffin-lady-first

A Lady First: Being a Pastor’s Wife
by: Laurel J. Davis

Reality TV makes a mockery of Christianity and I as a pastor’s wife am fed up, especially with what a lot of pastors’ wives are doing in real “real life” to perpetuate the problem.

And why are most of them Black? As an African-American pastor’s wife myself, that just adds insult to injury. Overall, the professing Christians on The Sisterhood, (cancelled, yay!), Preachers’ Daughters, Preachers of L.A., Preachers of Detroit, and Preachers of Atlanta are embarrassing. Not all pastors are about the bling. And not all pastors’ wives are arrogant, entitled, self-centered, elitist, patronizing, untouchable, I-can-do-what-I-want-I’m-the-first-lady, got-to-be-the-best-dressed, biblically illiterate, gossiping busybodies.

But a lot of us are. A lot of pastors’ wives abuse the title of “first lady in the church” (a long-held tradition in so-called African American churches). And it falls right in line with what 2 Timothy 3:6-7 warns about gullible women being taken captive.

Special attention and favor do inevitably come with being married to the most respected person in the local church. The problem is when pastors’ wives get caught up in the hype instead of gently resisting people’s natural tendency to put them on a pedestal. Allowing yourself to be called “First Lady” in the first place is the beginning of that problem.

I’m thinking about two examples. First is “Lady” Myesha Chaney, married to Pastor Wayne Chaney of Antioch Church of Long Beach, California, featured on Preachers of L.A. In one episode he needed a second in command and she wanted the job. When he hesitated, partly because the church board was against the nepotism and partly because of his own concerns about whether she could balance it with her existing responsibilities at home and church, she started crying. Her husband then, um, submitted.

Not to belittle Mrs. Chaney’s real feelings, but I’m concerned for a church where: 1) the second in command cries when she doesn’t get her way; 2) the senior pastor is easily moved by it because it’s his wife; 3) she shows such lack of trust in his God-ordained leadership; and 4) he submits to his wife and not vice-versa when it comes to a major church decision – which makes me wonder how much she was running things behind the scenes already.

The second example is “Lady” Bridget Hilliard, wife of Pastor I.V. Hilliard of New Light Christian Center in Houston, Texas. The church’s website dedicated a whole micro-site to her 50th birthday bash for $100 per person admission price, and even included gift ideas of “monetary gifts, designer handbags (Gucci, Chanel and Louis Vitton) and gift certificates (Neiman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue, Escade).” (Houston Press) Mrs. Hilliard was already driving a Bentley with the license plate, “Mrs. Attitude.” (Guess what was on her husband’s.) Enough said.

Am I being arrogant or elitist? Anything I think I know is not because I think I have any superior insight or privileged wisdom. I am no more capable than anybody else to just, simply, measure up everything against the test of the final authority of God’s Word.

Am I gossiping? No, because I’m not addressing anything that isn’t already public knowledge.

Am I being unloving? No. My hope is that those women and their admirers will be helped out of this unbiblical way of thinking in the church. And that’s very loving, indeed.

Am I jealous? Hardly. I don’t want the title “First Lady.” Being called “Mrs. Davis” is plenty satisfying enough, thank you very much. Furthermore, I’m trying to live by Luke 12:15; Matthew 6:19 and 1 Timothy 6:6-8.

Too many “first ladies” fail to see that being a pastor’s wife is a privilege, not an entitlement. It’s a calling, not a status level. It’s a position of support and service, not of being served. It’s an opportunity to bless, not control. It’s about modeling a pricelessly adorned spirit, not the latest Gucci bag. It’s a responsibility to give God all the glory, not share it with Him.

I’ve been a pastor’s wife for almost 23 years. With all of its perks come a lot of pitfalls. Don’t seek the role unless you know you’re called by God, because a pastor is supposed to be a servant, and so are you as his biggest supporter and closest disciple. Plus, you’ll have to endure a lot of sacrifice, scrutiny, trials, tests, second-guessing, attacks, betrayal, and loneliness. The fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-24) will have to be in operation on double-time.

Being a pastor’s wife also means seeing the blessing of the fruit of your labor in serving, guiding your precious sisters and young women (Titus 2:3-5), and first and foremost being a fitting helpmate to your husband both at home and at church.

In short, be a “lady first.” Be a woman – pastor’s wife or not – after God’s own heart, first. Like the Proverbs 31 woman, a “lady first” is content with her husband and children honoring her even if no one else ever does (cf. verses 28-29). Then, it’s her good deeds — not her title, position, possessions or fashion style — that garner admiration from outside the home (verses 30-31). And like the Titus 2 woman (verses 3-5), she knows her responsibility to younger women, lives holy, avoids idolatry, shuns gossip, teaches biblically, is level-headed, loves and yields to her husband, nurtures her children, and makes her home a refuge – all so that she will not open up the Word of God to be maligned, cheapened or discredited.

It’s a constant striving already to be the Proverbs 31/Ephesians 5/Titus 2/1 Peter 3 woman even without the added responsibility of supporting a husband’s ministry. But being a lady first, more than being a first lady, is what is most beautiful in the eyes of your husband, your children, your church and, most importantly of all, your Heavenly Father.

-Originally published at The Reluctant First Lady

Laurel Davis is a pastor’s wife in Los Angeles. A freelance magazine writer, she also writes for Got Questions? and Blogos, and has her own blog, The Reluctant First Lady. Laurel and her husband Charlton, who produces and co-hosts What Does the Bible Say?, have been married for almost 29 years, have four grown children, one grandchild and another one on the way. Follow Lauren on Facebook or email her at reluctantfirstlady@gmail.com

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