Tag: Christian Husbands

Marriage

33 Things I’ve Learned in 33 Years of Marriage

Michelle Lesley

Today is my 33rd wedding anniversary. My husband and I married on a lovely Tuesday evening between Christmas and New Years in a church bedecked with pink poinsettias. And six kids, a growing bevy of kids-in-law, grandbabies, several houses, and a few dogs later, here we still are, plugging away at this “‘til death do us part” thing. There have been a lot of “for better” times, and some “for worse” times. Days when we celebrated “for richer” and years when we survived “for poorer.” A few “in sickness” moments, but, praise God, we’ve mostly lived “in health.”

There’s a lot I didn’t know about living with a completely different person when I first said “I do,” but here are some things I’ve learned both in my own marriage, and from the marriages of others, over the last thirty-three years.

1. This, too, shall pass.

It’s easy to look at one fight, one difficult time, and think, in the moment, “That’s it. This marriage is over,” but after a while, you realize this is just one tree in the forest of your marriage. At some point, things will calm down and you’ll be on the other side of it. Marriage is a cross country marathon, not a sprint on smooth pavement. Keep going.

2. “Not tonight, Dear…”

Every couple has to come to their own unique mutual agreement and understanding of each spouse’s wants and needs when it comes to sex. Coercion and manipulation are neither appropriate nor biblical, but neither is depriving each other. There are going to be times when you’re not in the mood for sex but your husband is. If lack of “the mood” is the only thing causing you to say no, say yes anyway, and do it joyfully and enthusiastically. Think of it this way- your husband probably isn’t always “in the mood” to go to work or take out the trash or help with the kids, but you want him to do those things anyway, with a happy heart, because he loves you. Marriage is about serving each other in all aspects of life, whether you’re in the mood at the moment or not.

3. Submit

Biblical submission is not, as secular feminists might have you believe, for weak women, but for strong, godly women. It takes much more strength to exercise self control and obey God’s Word than to just do and say whatever you feel like doing and saying. Take it from a headstrong, opinionated gal who thinks she’s always right- it’s not easy, but biblical submission will make your marriage better, healthier, and more Christ-centered, and will grow you to be more like Jesus.

4. Some things are better left unsaid.

You don’t have to verbalize every thought that comes into your mind, especially when those thoughts are critical, whiny, argumentative, “I told you so,” constantly corrective, complaining, cutting, or in any way unchristlike. Sometimes your most shining moment will be keeping your mouth shut to the glory of God.

5. Forgive quickly

You won’t find a passage of Scripture that says it’s OK to hold a grudge or dangle your forgiveness over your husband’s head until he has groveled sufficiently. The Bible says we are to be kind and tenderhearted and to forgive the way Christ forgave us. Do you forgive your husband the way Christ forgives you?

6. Put your husband first.

After your relationship with Christ, your first love, loyalty, service, confidentiality, and time belong to your husband. Not your children, and not your mother, sister, or best friend. Your husband comes first.

7. Don’t undermine your husband with the kids.

God gives your husband the ultimate responsibility for and authority over your family. While you and he can and should privately discuss how to handle disciplinary issues with the children and other family situations which arise, he makes the final decision. Do not collude with the children, argue with your husband in front of them about his decisions, keep secrets from your husband, or otherwise attempt to circumvent his directives. Support him, submit to him, and present a united front.

8. Affirm your husband privately and publicly.

Women can practically turn complaining about their husbands into a competitive sport. Don’t go there. Would you like for your husband to sit around with his friends and complain about you? Don’t do it in a braggadocious way, but, as opportunities arise, let others hear you affirming your husband and thanking God for him. And be sure you do so when it’s just the two of you, too.

9. Don’t publicly shame your husband.

As Christians, we should always – privately and publicly – behave in a way that honors God. As married women that godly behavior will also honor our husbands. Don’t ever berate or belittle your husband in front of others (or in private, either), including on social media. Don’t behave in public in ways that would embarrass him. When others think about your relationship with your husband, you want them to think, “Wow, he’s really blessed!” not “Poor guy.”

10. Divorce is not an option.

This is the mindset with which couples should both enter marriage and handle normal1 fights and difficulties. Do not bring the “D-word” out during an argument. God says marriage is for life. It is not disposable.

11. Pray for your husband and for yourself as his wife.

This is probably the most powerful thing you can do for your husband and your marriage. Pray for your husband’s walk with the Lord, situations he’s facing at work, weaknesses he’s struggling with. Pray that God will help you to be a godly wife, and that He will show you how best to support and encourage your husband. Want your husband to change in some way? Don’t nag. Pray for him, and pray that God will help you to respond to your husband in a Christlike way.

12. You were always on my mind…

Don’t those little acts of thoughtfulness from your husband – unexpected flowers, doing the dishes, a love note – brighten your day and deepen your love for him? Your husband feels the same way. Cook his favorite meal, send him an occasional text letting him know you’re thinking about him, wear the lingerie he likes. Make him feel special and loved.

13. Extend grace.

Your husband is going to mess up. Often. So are you. Don’t turn his every mistake and sin into World War III. The Bible tells us that love covers a multitude of sins. Extend the same love and grace to him in his offenses that you want him to extend to you in yours.

14. He’s your husband, not your child.

Don’t speak condescendingly to your husband, order him around, or otherwise treat him like he’s one of your children. He’s not. Show him the respect, support, and love a godly wife is to give her husband.

15. Be on the same page, theologically, before marriage.

The Bible is clear that we are not to partner with unbelievers, and the most painful consequences for disobeying this command are often seen in marriages in which a Christian marries an non-Christian. But even if you both profess faith in Christ, it’s important to be in agreement on things like which denomination or church you’ll join and why, what the Bible says about salvation, men’s and women’s roles in marriage and the church, parenting, giving offerings, regular attendance, and other theological issues.

16. Admit when you’re wrong and ask forgiveness.

If you’ve sinned against your husband, crucify that pride, admit it, and ask him to forgive you. And don’t forget to repent and seek God’s forgiveness as well.

17. You’re not your husband’s Holy Spirit.

It is the Holy Spirit’s job to convict your husband of his sin, not yours. Certainly the two of you should talk things out, and it’s OK to kindly and lovingly discuss how his sin affects you, but no amount of preaching at him or castigating him with Scripture will change your husband’s heart, so don’t try. Only the Holy Spirit can do that.

18. God made you the helper, not your husband.

Every family operates differently when it comes to careers, childrearing, and household chores. Couples must reach a mutual agreement about who will carry out which tasks, and should help each other whenever the need arises. That being said, biblically speaking, God has placed wives in the role of helping their husbands, not the other way around. Your husband should not have to work all day and then come home, make supper, clean the house, and raise the children while you pursue hobbies or leisure activities. You both have responsibilities to take care of. Make sure you’re helping him take care of his by taking care of yours.

19. Thank God for your husband.

Don’t forget to thank God for blessing you with your husband. Especially when what you really want to do is hit him with the car. Pour your heart out to God about your anger, sure, but then start thanking God for all of your husband’s good qualities. You might be surprised at the way it changes your heart, your frame of mind, and your ability to forgive.

20. Take joy in the simple things.

Marriage is not a Hallmark movie, a jewelry store commercial, or a Carnival Cruise brochure. It’s just not, so don’t expect it to be. Enjoy just spending time talking, working on a project together, or doing chores side by side. Sometimes it’s not “He went to Jared,” but “We went grocery shopping,” that can bring the most joy.

21. Your husband can’t read your mind.

Your husband wants to do things for you and give you gifts that please you. If he asks which restaurant you want to go to, don’t say “I don’t care” if you do. Tell him. Don’t tell him whatever he gets you for your birthday will be fine and then pout because he didn’t get the gift your heart was set on. If he does something that bothers you, discuss it with him. Don’t make reading your mind a test of your husband’s love for you.

22. Don’t go behind your husband’s back.

Unless what you want is a husband who feels betrayed and doesn’t trust you. If he makes a decision, abide by it. If he asks you not to do something, don’t. If you think he’s wrong, discuss it with him privately, kindly, and lovingly. But, unless it conflicts with Scripture in some way, respect, support, and submit to your husband’s leadership and decisions.

23. Another man is not the answer.

You might go through some rocky times in your marriage. Confiding in or seeking comfort from another man will only make things worse or irreparable. Don’t be the foolish woman Proverbs 14:1 speaks of who “tears her house down with her own hands.” Another man is the source of more problems, not the fix for your current problems.

24. Help him the way he needs to be helped

Your role in marriage is to be your husband’s helper. But sometimes your idea of how to help will be different from his idea of what’s helpful. Maybe you think his socks should be sorted by color while he prefers them organized categorically (dress socks, atheletic socks, etc.) Whenever possible, help your husband in the way he prefers to be helped, not the way you prefer to help him.

25. Your husband is a valuable resource

God has given you a unique human being with his own background, perspective, education, experiences, and thought processes as a live-in resource. Take advantage of that gift! Trying to figure out how to handle a situation at work or at church? Wondering if you should move the couch across the living room or underneath the window? Attempting to master the art of grilling? Ask your husband for his advice or input. The old saying, “Two heads are better than one,” is true, and he might just wow you with a skill, talent, or knowledge you didn’t know he had!

26. Perfection is an unrealistic expectation

Social media, rom-coms, romance novels, other couples at church – sometimes it seems like everyone has the perfect life, the perfect marriage, the perfect husband. Don’t buy into that lie. Movies and books can afford to idealize – they’re fiction. And the real life husbands and couples you see in your newsfeed and on Sunday morning? Sure they might be doing well in an area you’re struggling with, but they’ve got problems in other areas. There’s no such thing as a perfect husband or marriage, so don’t compare yours to someone else’s. Be thankful for the strengths your husband has and the healthy aspects of your marriage, and pray about or work on those aspects that need godly growth.

27. You don’t complete me

Sure, it was a great romantic line in Jerry Maguire, but if you’re putting the burden of “You complete me,” on your husband, you’re putting it in the wrong place. The only place we can find our completeness, our identity, our contentment, is in Christ. Your husband will let you down many times during your marriage (just like you will let him down) because he is an imperfect, sinful human being. Christ will never let you down. Don’t saddle your husband with the impossible to carry burden of your contentment.

28. Set a godly example

Is your husband unsaved? Be the embodiment of the gospel to him through your godly submission, behavior, and demeanor. Is he saved but a bit weak in some areas of life or sanctification? Don’t parade your righteousness in that area around or toot your own horn in an effort to shame or guilt him into doing what’s right. Rather, with a quiet and gentle spirit, and most often, “without a word,” humbly set a good example. He never reads his Bible? Make sure you’re getting up every day and reading yours. You wish he’d ask you how your day was? Treat him the way you want to be treated, and ask how his day was. Your example may not change your husband’s behavior, but that’s not the goal. The goal is to honor and glorify God and to be a godly influence on your husband (which God can use any way He wants to) instead of a stumbling block.

29. Laugh

Some of the most intimate moments you will have with your husband won’t be in the bedroom. They’ll be the moments when you look at each other across a crowded room…and, internally, laugh hysterically together because you’re sharing the same thought. Private jokes, funny faces, code words, hilarious memories. All of those things that only the two of you share and find funny. Laughter grows love.

30. Be thankful for the pearl

Only Christians who have been married for at least 30 years can truly appreciate why pearls are the traditional emblem of the 30th wedding anniversary. A pearl is formed when a grain of sand or other foreign substance distresses the oyster. The oyster doesn’t let that foreign body destroy it. The oyster protects itself by dealing with the problem in a way that turns out to be beautiful and a blessing to others. Over the years, Satan will attack your marriage, and sometimes he’ll use other people and outside circumstances to do it. But if the two of you respond in a godly way, God will use that situation for your good and His glory, and protect your marriage in a beautiful way that can even be a blessing to others. Don’t resent the sand. Be thankful for the pearl.

31. Pray together

In addition to praying for your husband, pray with him, if possible. I’m so thankful my husband wants to pray with me. It has drawn us closer together in our relationship with one another and in our own individual relationships with the Lord.

32. Embrace the empty nest

My husband and I became “empty nesters” when our last child moved out on his own in 2024. Statistically, it’s a phase of life when a lot of couples divorce. I think it’s because this is uncharted territory, especially if you began having children right after marrying. It’s just the two of you now. It’s new. It’s different. And it can be very deep, meaningful, and exciting, because you’re are embarking on a whole new journey – the journey of growing old together. Use those remaining years to focus on one another, invest in one another, and finish your race strong in Christ.

33. The only constant is change

You can’t get set in your ways, even as you grow older. The world changes. Life circumstances change. Your children grow up, get married, have babies, and bring new people into the family to love. You’ll probably have to downsize to some degree. You might move to a new home. Maybe you or your spouse will develop a disability or ailment. One or both of you may retire. Things will never stop changing, and living in Christlikeness is about adjusting and learning new ways of doing things that bring honor and glory to Him.

God has been so gracious to my husband and me over the last three decades. I have often failed at many of the things on this list, while God has protected us from the others. I could probably list at least 33 more things, but it all boils down to this: deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Christ, and love your husband the way you want him to love you. That’s the number one thing I’ve learned in all these years, and I’m so grateful to God for sanctifying me through my marriage and blessing me with my dear husband.

1We can all think of exceptions and extraordinary circumstances to all of these points. This article pertains to generally healthy Christian marriages, not instances of abuse. If you are being abused get help and get somewhere safe.

Mailbag, Worship

The Mailbag: Potpourri (Boundaries… Submit vs. address sin?… Discernment- Who do you think you are?)

Michelle Lesley

Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question.

I like to take the opportunity in these potpourri editions to let new readers know about my comments/e-mail/messages policy. I’m not able to respond individually to most e-mails and messages, so here are some helpful hints for getting your questions answered more quickly. Remember, the search bar (at the very bottom of each page) can be a helpful tool!

Or maybe I answered your question already? Check out my article The Mailbag: Top 10 FAQs to see if your question has been answered and to get some helpful resources.

This comment was left on my article, Taking Offense:

Thank you for this biblical truth: “Jesus taught us to…love our enemies, do good to those who hate us, bless those who curse us, pray for people who abuse us, turn the other cheek, give to those who want to take from us, treat others the way we want to be treated”. Are boundaries biblical then? Do we stick around when someone is pouring out non-stop criticism and verbally abusing us or talking behind our back? Family members can be the worst. People who are not following Jesus and who are consumed with darkness, hate people who are walking in the Light. I understand not taking offense, but in my experience, when I turn the other cheek to abusers, they keep abusing and hate you more. It is not good to allow them to sin against us because when their sin flows freely, it not only harms me but it harms them too. Thoughts?

Great question! It’s one Amy Spreeman and I have received numerous times over the past few years, so we’ve recorded a podcast mini-series on it!

Beautiful Biblical Boundaries- part 1 deals with the Scriptures and biblical precepts addressing boundaries. We discuss how and when to erect boundaries (and how and when not to). This episode is currently scheduled to drop next Wednesday, November 12.

In Beautiful Biblical Boundaries- part 2, we’ll answer listeners’ questions about boundaries in their own lives and relationships. This episode is currently scheduled to drop in about two weeks, on Wednesday, November 19.

Please note that the links above will not work until the dates specified.

This comment was left on my article, Marriage: It’s My Pity Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To ~ 7 Ways to Take Your Focus Off Yourself and Put it Back on Christ (By the way, yes, I realize that the length of the titles of some of my articles rivals those of many of the Puritans’ books and pamphlets. I’m OK with that.😀)

I have a question about number 7…

This article pertains to normal, relatively healthy, Christian marriages. In other words, not abusive marriages. If you are being abused, get yourself and your children to a safe place, and call the police, your pastor, or a loved one for help.

Of course, I agree that we should be subject to our husbands. However, are we not to call them out gently on their sin when they are acting like “an ungodly jerk” according to various verses such as Proverbs 27:5, Luke 17:3, Matthew 18:15, and Galatians 6:1? I guess I’m just confused because both commands seem to contradict each other.

This is another super question! The short answer is, “Yes,” but as Ecclesiastes 3:1,7 tells us, “there is a time for every matter under heaven…a time to be silent and a time to speak,” and in the moment when your husband is acting like “an ungodly jerk,” he’s apt to respond poorly to his sin being exposed and corrected, which just compounds his sin. (And frankly, we wives usually respond just as poorly in that moment when the shoe is on the other foot.)

In that moment, generally speaking, it’s usually a time to be silent, and, assuming he’s not asking you to sin, do whatever it is he’s gruffly or impatiently asking you to do with a gracious, kind, willing, and loving attitude and demeanor, as opposed to pouting and feeling sorry for yourself – which is the theme of the article (and also why #7 focuses on the “a time to keep silent” aspect of submission rather than the “a time to speak” aspect of addressing your husband’s sin).

Have you ever heard the phrase “killing someone with kindness”? God has an amazing way of taking our example of godly obedience, kindness, and refusing to retaliate, and using that to convict the other person of his sin. He does that Himself with us:

Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?

Romans 2:4

So, yes, there’s a time to speak and – approaching your husband the way you would want to be approached – kindly and humbly address his sin. That time is usually… later. Not in the moment.

What makes you confident in your ability to determine who is a true or false teacher of the Bible? Are you a theologian or do you have background in studying theology and the Bible? Just curious.

(I’ve distilled this question down from a much longer laundry list of complaints from a follower about a Facebook post in which I warned against false teacher Priscilla Shirer. It’s hard to tell from the wording in the brief excerpt above, but this was not a genuine, good faith question from someone desiring to grow in her discernment skills. It was tossed out in a snarky, accusatory, “Who do you think you are?” tone. My tone below, per Proverbs 26:5, is a biblically appropriate response to hers.)

The Bible makes me confident in my ability to determine who is a true or false teacher of the Bible. And if you’re a genuinely regenerated Christian, it should make you confident too.

Our authority as Christians comes from God’s Word, not from a seminary. You don’t have to go to seminary to be a discerning Christian (in fact, many seminaries are so rife with false doctrine that you’d better be discerning before you get there). If you think about it, none of the people who wrote the Bible’s teachings on false teachers and false prophets ever went to seminary, including the Bereans, whom God praised for their discernment.

Scripture tells us:

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.

1 John 4:1


Examining teachers and comparing their teaching and behavior with Scripture is a command from God for Christians, not an option, and certainly not something for Christians to criticize and scorn other Christians for doing (as long as they’re doing it biblically, which I am).

So the question here is not why am I obeying God’s Word, testing this spirit against Scripture, and when she’s found to be a false teacher, warning other Christians about her. The question is, if you’re a Christian, why aren’t you? Why aren’t you studying your Bible so that you understand it, and can see how Shirer’s words and actions conflict with it? Why aren’t you warning others against her? I would be very concerned about that for my own spiritual life if I were you.

I hope this resource will answer any other objections to the Bible’s command for discernment that you may have.

I later added these remarks (slightly edited here) to the remainder of the commenters on that post:

I would encourage you younger ladies (especially those who have been commenting in the “Where do you get off?!?!” vein to me) to consider this:

“When one becomes so familiar with His Word you can spot a false teacher a mile away – I told my girls that when you walk close to God and His WORD you become sensitive to the clanging gong of false teachers.”

This quote is from a 70+ year old “Titus 2:3-5 woman” who has been walking with the Lord and a passionate student of God’s Word for over 50 years. And she’s right. And as a younger woman (I’m 56), I’m very thankful for the wisdom she just spoke into my life.

As I said, I’m 56. I have been a faithful member of decent churches since 9 months before I was born. I’ve been saved since I was 12. That means I’ve been walking with the Lord and studying His Word at church, a Christian high school and college, in other Christian organizations, and on my own for 44 years. Longer than many of you have been alive. Furthermore, I’ve been blogging and “doing discernment ministry” for over 17 years.

If you had a doctor with 44 years of training and 17 years of diagnostic experience and he gave you a diagnosis you didn’t like, would you immediately throw it back in his face with a sassy, disrespectful, “What qualifies YOU to say so?” or “What makes you so sure you’re right? MY opinion is…”. I doubt it. You might respectfully ask him some questions or request some resources to help you understand. You might even politely seek a second or third opinion, but you would not be so brash and arrogant to immediately assume he has no idea what he’s talking about and is just being mean to you, and you know better than he does.

I’m not saying this to toot my own horn or “look down on anyone’s youth” (that would be out of context, anyway), and I’m certainly not saying I’m without sin or never make mistakes. I’m saying there’s a reason Titus 2:3-5 specifies that older women are to train younger women. (Which implies that younger women should listen to older women instead of immediately dismissing us out of hand when we say something you don’t like – especially when it’s backed up with rightly handled Scripture and other mature, doctrinally sound Christians corroborate it.) Younger women do not have the same spiritual maturity, life experience, wisdom, and biblical training that older women have who have been walking with the Lord for decades. (I definitely didn’t have it when I was a younger woman!)

By all means, get a second opinion from rightly handled, in context Scripture. Politely ask questions. Do the research on your own. But stop being so reactionary and lashing out every time you hear something biblical that you don’t like. All you’re doing is showcasing your spiritual immaturity and ignorance of Scripture and your lack of self control. Or, worst case scenario, you’re bearing the fruit of someone who isn’t saved.

I’m far from perfect, but I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck and start slinging the label of “false teacher” around willy nilly. By God’s incredible grace, mercy, wisdom, and sanctification, I’ve been doing this a long time, and I know what I’m talking about – all glory to Him.

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Marriage

A No-Bull Marriage: Four Lessons from Mr. & Mrs. Samson

Michelle Lesley

Originally published June 5, 2016

“If you had not plowed with my heifer,
you would not have found out my riddle.”

judges 14:18

I love this verse. It’s in the story of Samson, which I’m studying in depth right now, and it makes me giggle every time I come to it. Ripped from its context, it doesn’t make much sense (most Bible verses don’t), so go read Judges 14 really quickly. It’s only twenty verses. It shouldn’t take you more than ten minutes to read. I’ll just wait right here.

Done? Ok. Now you know the context, and you know Samson wasn’t talking about farming. He was talking about his wife. Now, ladies, before you get your bloomers in a ruffle, Samson wasn’t calling his wife a heifer, he was using a metaphor. He could just as easily have said, “If you hadn’t eaten sweet and sour shrimp with my chopsticks…” Well, if he were Chinese and if sweet and sour shrimp had been invented.

But anyway... it still wasn’t the most flattering metaphor a man could choose when referencing his wife, which got me thinking about Samson’s wife and their marriage. They messed some things up, big time. Things that they could have avoided messing up by being obedient to God’s commands about marriage. Maybe we could learn a few “noble,” or “no-bull,” if you prefer, things for our own marriages from Mr. and Mrs. Samson in Judges 14:

Maybe we could learn a few “noble,” or “no-bull,” if you prefer, things for our own marriages from Mr. and Mrs. Samson in Judges 14…

1.
Don’t be an unequally yoked heifer (v. 1-3)

Although the Philistines were not one of the nations God specifically forbade Israel to intermarry with, God’s principle of not marrying foreigners would have been a good one for Samson to follow. Why? Because only Israel worshiped the one true God. All of the other nations were pagan. They will “turn away your sons from following me, to serve other gods,” God told them. “But Samson said to his father, ‘Get her for me, for she is right in my eyes.’” (3) In my eyes. Not in God’s eyes. In Samson’s eyes. Samson wasn’t interested in what God wanted for his marriage. Samson was only interested in what Samson wanted.

As Believers, our hearts should long to obey Christ and to want what He wants for our lives. In 2 Corinthians 6:14-15, God tells us we are not to seek to bind ourselves together in any close relationship with unbelievers. That includes (but is not limited to) marriage. As God told the Israelites, an unbeliever will lead you away from the Lord. Husbands and wives should push each other towards Christ. A lost husband can’t lead you to greater godliness. If you are not yet married, do not marry someone who isn’t saved, whose life does not display the spiritual fruit of someone who has been genuinely born again.

Don’t be an unequally yoked heifer.

2.
Leave and cleave: plow with the bull you’re yoked to (v. 16-20)

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast [cleave] to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Genesis 2:24

This doesn’t mean that we cut all ties with our parents when we get married. It means that we are now committed, first and foremost, to our spouses. We stand with them before, and sometimes against, everyone else.

Samson and his wife both had problems with this, as many newlyweds do. Samson’s wife, instead of standing with her husband by being honest with him about what his companions were up to and trusting him to protect her, ended up siding with “her people” (17) out of fear, by nagging Samson into telling her the answer to the riddle. Samson showed that he was loyal to his parents over his wife when he said in verse 16, “Behold, I have not told my father nor my mother [the answer to the riddle], and shall I tell you?” And when the whole fiasco was over, instead of going back and working things out with his wife, he abandoned her and went back home to live with his parents. (19-20)

Ladies, our husbands come first when it comes to loyalty, unity, bonding, and family decisions. Not our moms, our sisters, our best girlfriends, or even our children. And our husbands are to exhibit that same loyalty to us. Don’t hook yourself up to another plow.

Leave and cleave. Plow with the bull you’re yoked to.

3.
Don’t moonipulate; commoonicate (v. 16-17)

Pack your bags, we’re going on a guilt trip. And Samson’s wife had a saddlebag full of every vixenish wile she could squeeze in: emotional manipulation, shame, blame, nagging, and relentless pressure. Samson’s wife provides us with the perfect example of how not to communicate with our husbands.

Samson’s wife provides us with the perfect example of how *not* to communicate with our husbands.

We can all be tempted to use underhanded methods of getting what we want, but the God who tells us not to lie, to speak the truth, and not to act in selfish ambition but to put others first, is not a God who is pleased by such behavior. God is honored when we treat our husbands with kindness, respect, and honesty, and trust God enough to leave the outcome to Him.

Don’t moonipulate, commoonicate.

4.
Do the no-bull thing: forgive. (14:19-15:1)

While Samson may have had understandable reasons for being angry at both his companions and his wife, and while God may have used a bad situation to take out some of the enemies of His people, God calls husbands and wives to forgive one another.

Again, Samson shows us what not to do. Consumed by his anger, he abandoned his wife and seems to have held a grudge against her for a good while. When he finally went back with a peace offering, it wasn’t a pretty scene.

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

Ephesians 4:26-27

When we’re angry, self control can go out the window, making it easier to give in to Satan’s temptations to sin. Instead, it is God’s will for us to “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”.

Forgive. It’s the noble thing to do.

Do the no-bull thing: forgive.

This article was originally published at Satisfaction Through Christ on May 7,

Mailbag, Marriage

The Mailbag: I “feel led” in a different direction from my husband.

Michelle Lesley

Originally published March 20, 2017

My husband and I recently moved to a new state. After living here a few months, I ‘m not sure this is where God wants us. At the time of our move, my husband had another opportunity for us to go to a different state than the one we just moved to. In prayer and reading God’s word I think we should’ve gone to that state instead. That opportunity is still open, and I feel led to go. I’ve prayed and asked God and still feel led. I’m so confused. I am starting to feel like my husband is a hindrance in my following God’s will. He is supposed to be the leader of the family but he’s not a godly leader. I am a Christian woman who is trying to follow what I think God is leading me to do.  My problem is I have a husband who isn’t in God’s word, nor trying to be, and he says no. 

One of the most stressful situations in a marriage is when your spouse is an unbeliever, one spouse is much more spiritually mature than the other, or there are major differences on theological issues between spouses. I know this is difficult, but I hope I’ll be able to point you in a helpful direction.

It’s good that you’re reading your Bible and praying as you seek God’s direction. You say that in “reading God’s Word I think we should’ve gone to that state instead.” I’m not sure (but am very curious) as to which Bible passage you might have read that leads you to believe you moved to the wrong state. I can’t think of one that addresses that issue because the Bible is not personally specific in that way. It gives us wisdom and godly instruction and principles which God wants us to use to make wise choices, but there aren’t any verses that say things like, “You should have moved to the other state,” “Marry Bob, not Fred,” or “Buy the minivan instead of the convertible.”

You say, “I am a Christian woman who is trying to follow what I think God is leading me to do.” That’s great! That’s always the attitude of heart we should have. And the first thing we need to understand is that God leads us through His sufficient and authoritative Word. That means, when we have a decision to make, we don’t go by subjective feelings and impressions, we go to God’s written Word and make sure we’re obeying everything it says about our situation.

The good news about your situation is that God spells out His will for you very clearly in Scripture. If you really mean what you say about wanting to do God’s will and follow what He’s leading you to do rather than doing what you want to do and calling that God’s will, here it is:

If you really mean what you say about wanting to do *God’s* will and follow what *He’s* leading you to do rather than doing what you want to do and calling *that* God’s will, here it is:

God is leading you to submit to your husband:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Ephesians 5:22-24 (emphasis mine)

Unless your husband is abusing* you or encouraging you to do something sinful, God’s will is for you to graciously submit to his decisions. Denying your request to move to another state may not make you happy, but it does not qualify as abuse or sin.

*Physical abuse. A husband’s decision not to bow to his wife’s wishes in a situation like this does not constitute abuse. Any wife who is being physically abused should get to safety and get help.

Notice, this passage says wives are to submit “in everything,” not just the decisions we agree with. (If you agree, that’s not submission. You’re both getting what you want. Ideally, that’s what will happen most of the time.)

As our husbands’ helpers, we should certainly discuss issues and decisions with them and lovingly offer wise, biblical input, but our husbands are responsible to God for leading us, so they make the final decision, and we submit to it with a godly attitude. The remainder of this passage goes on to instruct men about how they’re to treat their wives in a godly way, but it does not say that wives only have to submit to their husbands if their husbands are godly or “in the Word.”

God is leading you to conduct yourself respectfully:

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 1 Peter 3:1-5 (emphasis mine)

Sometimes when we ladies want something from our husbands, we can be like a dog with a bone, talking them to death about it (Dare I say, nagging?). While husbands and wives should talk through major issues and decisions together, if you’ve calmly, lovingly, and respectfully offered your husband your input and he has made his decision, you need to stop trying to convince him to do it your way. Let it go, Elsa. Behave and speak with love, grace, and kindness toward your husband as you move on with life in your marriage. You may not win him over to your opinion, but that’s not your ultimate goal. Your goal – as you mentioned in your e-mail – is for him to be godly and in the Word. Your behavior and demeanor can help win him to godliness.

Sometimes when we ladies want something from our husbands, we can be like a dog with a bone…Let it go, Elsa. Behave and speak with love, grace, and kindness toward your husband as you move on with life in your marriage.

God is leading you to be content:

I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:11b-13

If anyone knew what it was like to bear up under unpleasant circumstances and find his contentment in Christ rather than in temporal happiness, it was Paul. Paul had learned the secret to maintaining his contentment no matter what: the strength only Christ can provide. Christ can enable you to be content in this circumstance of your life, too. Just keep your focus on Him and ask Him to strengthen you.

God is leading you to pray for His will to be done and to trust Him for the outcome.

And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39 (emphasis mine)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6 (emphasis mine)

In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus taught us to pray, “Thy will be done.” At Gethsemane, He demonstrated it for us. God did not change Jesus’ circumstances, because it was His will for Jesus to be crucified. But Jesus trusted God to do what was right and best, and He obeyed and glorified His Father to His last breath.

In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus taught us to pray, “Thy will be done.” At Gethsemane, He demonstrated it for us.

Are you praying for God’s will to be done in your situation, or your will? Keep in mind that God is sovereign. If it were His will for you to be in another state right now, that’s where you would be. Nobody can thwart God’s will. Have you ever considered the possibility that it’s not that your husband is a “hindrance in following God’s will” but that it was God’s will for you to be living in this state and that He caused or allowed your husband to move you there because that’s what He wants? Ask God to do His will in your situation, obey Him no matter the cost, and trust Him for the outcome.

Are you praying for God’s will to be done in your situation, or your will?

Finally, I’d like to address something you mentioned in your e-mail that you didn’t seem to think was connected to your main question. Actually, it is. You said that you found my blog while searching for one of the false teachers I warn against. If you’ve been sitting under the teaching of the woman you mentioned, or these teachers, or any other teachers who don’t properly handle and teach God’s Word, that is a large part of your confusion about your situation. These teachers do not correctly teach people how to study, understand, and apply God’s Word to their lives.

You’ve been taught to “feel led” to do things that are in conflict with God’s Word. God leads us and speaks to us through Scripture.

You’ve been taught to “feel led” to do things that are in conflict with God’s Word. God leads us and speaks to us through Scripture, and it is Scripture alone that we are to go to and depend on to live a godly life and make wise decisions, not our feelings, opinions, and experiences. Unfortunately, teachers like the one you mentioned often lead their hearers to attempt to interpret subjective feelings, ideas, impressions, and circumstances as “God’s will” rather than seeking what God has already revealed to be His will in His written Word. I would encourage you to put away the pre-packaged “Bible” studies, simply pick up your Bible, study it, and obey it.

It is Scripture alone that we are to go to and depend on to live a godly life and make wise decisions, not our feelings, opinions, and experiences.

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Marriage

9 Ways NOT to Fight with Your Husband

Michelle Lesley

Originally published October 21, 2016

My twenty-fourth wedding anniversary is coming up in December. I am so thankful to God for bringing my husband into my life. He has been such a blessing to me. I adore Scott…most of the time. Scott and I are both very passionate people. That’s a polite way of saying we’re both prone to being hot-headed and overly emotional at times. And that’s sort of a secular way of saying we have both given in to sin and selfishness with each other over the years. We’ve had our share of arguments, and if you’re married, you probably have, too.

The Bible says:

Be angry, and do not sin. Psalm 4:4a

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20

There is a godly way to iron out our differences in marriage. We pray for each other and about whatever it is we’re disagreeing about. We die to self, put the other person first, and act in humility and love. We exercise self control and refuse to be ruled by our emotions. Husbands love their wives and lead with a self-sacrificing heart, and, wives, we submit to and respect our husbands’ God-given leadership.

And then there are the ungodly ways to handle problems and arguments in our marriages. Younger ladies, as someone who has learned many of these things the hard way, allow me to Titus 2 you for a few moments. Here are nine ways not to fight with your husband*:

*As always, when I write articles like this about marriage, it is in the context of a relatively normal, healthy relationship. If you are being abused, get to safety and seek help. If you know someone who is being abused, do not place on her the burden of trying harder. Get her to safety and help her. Getting to safety and getting help is not the same thing as filing for divorce.

1.
Failure to leave and cleave

Your utmost loyalty is to your husband. When you and your husband have a disagreement, it is for the two of you to work out together. Do not run back to Mommy and Daddy (or your sister, best friend, etc.) and complain about your husband in hopes that he or she will take your side against him and fight your battles for you. That is the mark of a child, not a grown woman. (And, older moms, if your adult daughter or daughter-in-law attempts to do this with you, teach her that this is not the godly way to handle disagreements. Do not get involved. Send her back home to work things out with her husband.)

2.
Don’t negatively compare your husband to other men.

“You’re just like your mother/father!” “My father would never treat me like this!” “My ex-husband/former boyfriend/deceased spouse always _______. Why don’t you?” “Pastor Bob/your friend Joe would never treat his wife this way!” The fact of the matter is, your husband was created in the image of God as a unique individual. There is no comparison to others.

3.
Don’t use Scripture as a weapon.

Yes, the Bible is a two-edged sword. No, that doesn’t mean to slice your husband to pieces with it. In the same way he doesn’t get to yell “You’re not being submissive!” (even though it may be true) as a way to win an argument, you don’t get to take the verses that tell husbands how to act and use them to belittle him. The best way you can use Scripture in the middle of an argument is to remember what it says to you about obedience to Christ, humility, patience, and extending grace, and obey it.

Yes, the Bible is a two-edged sword. No, that doesn’t mean to slice your husband to pieces with it.

4.
Don’t use sex as a weapon or a bribe.

God created sex as a good gift for husbands and wives to enjoy. He tells us we are to give our spouses their right to intimacy and that we are not to deprive each other except temporarily, by agreement, and for the purpose of devoting ourselves to prayer. Do not withhold sex as a way to punish your husband or hold it over his head as a way to get him to do what you want him to do.

Do not withhold sex as a way to punish your husband or hold it over his head as a way to get him to do what you want him to do.

5.
No personal attacks

Would you want your husband to call you ugly, a cow, a bad wife, a lousy mother? Of course not. Don’t call him lazy, weak, stupid, fat, etc.

Christ does not use our weaknesses as a weapon against us and we do not use our husbands’ weaknesses as a weapon against them.

6.
Don’t emasculate him.

Do not attack your husband’s manhood. Berating him for his job performance, belittling him for not being as successful you think he should be (or as someone else is), throwing in his face how little money he makes, mocking his performance in the bedroom, denigrating him as a mama’s boy, making his kowtowing to you a test of his manhood, and saying things like, “A real man wouldn’t ____!”, are all great ways to tear down your house with your own hands. These kinds of remarks are some of the most hurtful things you can say to your husband. They make him feel the way you would feel if he said you were old, fat, and ugly and he was going to find someone else who was younger and beautiful. These are soul crushing things to say, and if you’re in the habit of saying them, your marriage isn’t going to last long. Stop.

Emasculating your husband is a great way to tear down your house with your own hands.

7.
Don’t be manipulative, passive aggressive, or play other emotional games.

No pouting, no slamming things around, no saying “NOTHING!” or “I’M FINE!” when he asks what’s wrong, no expecting him to read your mind and getting mad if he doesn’t, no making his giving in a test of his love for you, no holding things over his head, no maxing out the credit cards, flirting with other men, or sabotaging his work, hobbies, or relationships as a way to get back at him. None of these are godly ways to relate to anyone, and especially not to your husband. “The heart of her husband trusts in her,” the Bible says, “She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Throughout God’s word, we’re admonished to lovingly speak the truth with one another, not hide, shade, twist, or withhold things. If you’re playing any of these emotional games with your husband you’re being dishonest, unkind, unloving, and malicious. 

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:11-12

8.
NEVER threaten divorce.

For Christians, divorce is never a solution to regular marital spats. You have taken a vow before God to stick with your husband through the bad times. Christ has said He will never leave you nor forsake you despite the many times you’ve sinned against him. How, then, could you threaten to leave your husband for sinning against you? The only reason for such a threat is to hurt or scare the man you have pledged to love and honor for the rest of your life. That is not how a woman of God behaves.

The only reason to threaten divorce during an argument is to hurt or scare the man you have pledged to love and honor for the rest of your life. That is not how a woman of God behaves.

9.
Leave the past behind.

Don’t throw past sin in your husband’s face. When God forgives us, He puts that sin behind us. The Bible tells us we’re to forgive others the same way, and that we’re not to harbor a record of wrongdoing against others. Love and forgive your husband the way Christ has loved and forgiven you.

Love and forgive your husband the way Christ has loved and forgiven you.

But what if he doesn’t do a good job at work or hasn’t cut the apron strings or is being disobedient to Scripture? There’s a time and a place to kindly, lovingly, and rationally discuss those things. The middle of a heated argument isn’t it. Christ does not use our weaknesses as a weapon against us and we do not use our husbands’ weaknesses as a weapon against them. We treat our husbands fairly, kindly, compassionately, respectfully. The same way we want them to treat us.