christian hospitality – Michelle Lesley

Is there such a thing as a church without cliques?? Should I just give up and accept it? If so, what is the proper Christian perspective to handling the situation? After years in the same church and being very involved, I am still considered an outsider.

How do you navigate a cliquish church? When it’s challenging to form friendships, are cliques always the culprit? Need some tips for making friends at church?
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I know your situation feels lonely and discouraging, and I hate for any Christian to feel that way in church. Let me see if I can help you, as well as others who may not feel very close to their brothers and sisters at church.

There are some churches (not all, and not even the majority) that are cliquish and unwelcoming to new members. What I’ve typically seen is that this is more common in small churches where most people have been long time or lifelong members going back several generations in their family, especially when that type of church is small and rural and doesn’t have a lot of turnover (new people joining, members moving away or moving to another church, etc.).

They’ve all known each other all their lives, they know all the stories, all the history, and all the inside jokes, and they’re comfortable the way they are. Bringing a new member in and getting her up to speed seems like a monumental task, and they’re relationally lazy, so they don’t put forth the effort to get to know new people.

Let me clearly say that if this is going on at any church in any Christian individual, it is wrong and sinful. Christians are to be hospitable and welcoming. It should be second nature to us.

Christians are to be hospitable and welcoming. It should be second nature to us.
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Hospitality is required of pastors in both of the lists of pastoral qualifications (1 Timothy 3:2 / Titus 1:8), which means that if your pastor isn’t hospitable, he’s disqualified from the office of pastor. That’s how seriously God takes hospitality and your pastor’s role to lead the way in hospitality.

We see in 1 Timothy 5:10 that hospitality was such a vital trait of Christian character that it was a requirement for Christian widows to receive assistance from the church.

And then we have direct instructions to the church and Christian individuals to pursue and practice hospitality:

Let love be without hypocrisy—by abhorring what is evil, clinging to what is good, being devoted to one another in brotherly love, giving preference to one another in honor, not lagging behind in diligence, being fervent in spirit, serving the Lord, rejoicing in hope, persevering in affliction, being devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, pursuing hospitality.
Romans 12:9-13

Pursuing hospitality is listed right alongside things like serving the Lord and being devoted to prayer, showing us it’s just as important as those things, and that it should be just as normative to the Christian life as those things.

Let love of the brothers continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers…
Hebrews 13:1-2a

“Do not,” or “Thou shalt not,” if you prefer. That’s a biblical command, not a suggestion, not an option.

Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without grumbling. As each one has received a gift, employ it in serving one another…
1 Peter 4:8-10a

Be hospitable. Just do it – and without grumbling – period. That’s also a command of God.

Christians are to welcome others because Christ has welcomed us. If you’d like to learn more about biblical hospitality, I welcome you (😀) to listen in to our two part A Word Fitly Spoken podcast episode, Hospitality- part 1 and part 2.

Christians are to welcome others because Christ has welcomed us.
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If you’re a member of a church that’s sinning by refusing to be hospitable, set the example! (This is a phenomenal way women can lead in the church: by setting a godly example!) No, you don’t have to have any special “gift” of hospitality. Yes, it’s required of all Christians – just like any other biblical command – even if you consider yourself to be an introvert (like me). In fact, if you’re an introvert and God has opened your eyes – and seemingly your eyes alone – to the fact that your church is failing at hospitality, buckle up. God is probably about to kill two birds with one stone: sanctifying you out of some of your introverted tendencies and sanctifying your church into being hospitable.

How can you set an example of hospitality at church? (We also cover this in the podcast episodes linked above.)

Always get to church a little early and stay a little afterwards so you can mingle with everyone. Introduce yourself to people you don’t know. Take an interest in what they’re saying. Ask them questions. Ask them if there’s anything for which you can pray for them.

In addition to the fact that we’re supposed to be praying for one another anyway, this is a great way to connect more intimately with people. Ask how you can pray for the person you’re talking to. Pray for her all week. When you see her next Sunday, follow up: “How did the job interview go?” “Are you feeling better from your cold?” Whatever.

Sometimes you have to be the one to initiate a new relationship. When you make the first move to demonstrate that you care for someone, it can jump start her interest in you.

The lady who sent in this question and did a super job of stepping out and doing something else I’m going to recommend: get involved in church activities and serving. Like praying for one another, serving and investing yourself in the church is something you’re already supposed to be doing anyway. A great by-product of getting involved is that it’s a wonderful way to meet people and get to know a little about them – enough to know when you’ve clicked with someone and would like to pursue a deeper friendship with her. But involvement in church activities alone usually isn’t conducive to building deep relationships (especially if it’s an activity like, for example, choir, which doesn’t allow much time for chatting). It’s a springboard to pursuing a relationship with someone outside the church in a more intimate setting where you can focus on each other and talk. (Sorry if this is starting to sound like dating advice, but the dynamics are similar!)

Once you’ve met someone through mingling or a church activity, take the next step. Invite her out for coffee or to an activity you’ve found out the two of you both enjoy (a museum, pickleball, going to garage sales). Invite her family over for dinner. If your kids are the same age, plan a play date. Pray about it and ask the Lord to help you think of a good idea for a get together.

As you’re doing all of these things, set up an appointment with your pastor to discuss your concerns about the church’s lack of hospitality. It’s not just that you, personally, are having difficulty making friends. Maybe other members are, too. What about other Christians who visit the church and find it cold and unfriendly? Your church could be turning off potential new members. What about a lost person who visits? Will he stick around long enough to hear the gospel if he doesn’t feel welcome?

Hopefully, your pastor can encourage you and maybe even give you a few “insider” tips to making friends and setting an example of hospitality in the church. You could also ask him about the possibility of planning some fellowships, a women’s small group, or some other sort of event that would give church members more opportunities to get to know the entire church family.

Above all, pray. Pray that God would give your pastor wisdom about leading your church to be more hospitable. Pray for God to convict your church about its lack of hospitality. Pray that God would use you to set a good example of being warm, kind, and caring.

There are churches that are genuinely cliquish and unfriendly. Perhaps the Lord has placed you in one to be a catalyst for change.

Now, all of this being said, you* may think the reason you’re having trouble making friends at church is that it’s cliquish. But that might not be the reason. There might be another reason.

*”You” in general, not necessarily the lady who sent in the question.

(Now’s the time to put on your steel toe boots and lace them up tight, because, is it really even a biblical discipleship article if nobody’s toes get stepped on? Prolly not.)

That reason might be you.

You may think the reason you’re having trouble making friends at church is that it’s cliquish. But that might not be the reason. There might be another reason. That reason might be you.
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I’m trying to spare your pastor, your husband, or your loved ones from being in the awkward position of being honest with you, yet unavoidably hurting your feelings: maybe there’s a thing or two you could improve about yourself that would make you more, shall we say, “friendship-ready”.

Let’s start with the easy stuff: your appearance. “Beauty is only skin deep! It’s what’s inside that counts!” Yeah, but the first thing people see about you is not your insides, it your outside. Why put up any unnecessary stumbling blocks on the outside that would deter people from getting to know what’s inside?

Now, I’m not saying you need a $5000 (Shot in the dark – I have no idea.) full body makeover. I’m saying maybe you need to pop a breath mint more often. Maybe a few more showers and strokes with the roll-on deodorant. Maybe on Sunday mornings you lose the green mohawk, nose spikes, and the face paint that makes you look like a zombie, and you present yourself modestly – in a way that doesn’t draw attention to yourself and scare everybody over sixty.

Look in the mirror at your “resting” face and see how much friendlier and more approachable you look when you smile. And when you get to church, smile and make eye contact with people.

Got any little weird idiosyncrasies like constantly cracking your knuckles or smacking and popping your gum? Give it a rest when you’re around other humanoids.

Take inventory, and, within reason, fix any minor thing that’s annoying or off-putting about your countenance and appearance.

Now about that personality of yours…

This is probably going to be a little more challenging because these are most likely things you habitually do that you don’t even realize you’re doing. (And look, we’re all in the same boat here. I’ve got a lot of stuff to work on, too.)

Be mindful of your facial expression and tone. My husband and I were discussing this just the other day. Apparently, both of us often wear facial expressions and use tones of voice that have nothing to do with what we’re currently thinking or meaning, and which are usually interpreted incorrectly by the other person. For example, to him, I might look mad when I’m actually worried. Or, to me, he might sound like he’s joking when he’s actually saying something kind and tender. (Hey, we’re working on it!) Married couples generally feel comfortable saying, “Why are you looking at me like that?” or “I wasn’t really crazy about your tone when you said that.” People you don’t know well at church generally do not. Get some help from your husband or a close loved one who will be honest with you and ask for his or her loving input about your tone and expressions.

Put others first when you converse. Don’t interrupt. Listen more than you speak. Don’t monopolize the conversation or verbally run over people. Don’t hold people hostage by talking continuously for long stretches of time or prolonging a conversation when the other person clearly needs to go. Keep up with the flow of the conversation – don’t keep changing the subject or commenting on whatever the subject was ten minutes ago. It demonstrates that you aren’t listening or don’t care what the other person is saying, you’re only concerned about what you want to say.

Your manner matters. Have a balanced sense of humor. Don’t be the person who’s always graveyard serious or can’t take a joke, but don’t be the person at the other extreme who makes everything into a joke. Don’t be constantly sarcastic, critical, cynical, pessimistic, complaining, impatient, or irritable. Don’t be hyper-sensitive and always getting your feelings hurt. Don’t be a stalker. Don’t be pathologically clingy. Don’t be the expert at everything, emphatically stating the only way to bait a hook, or which restaurant is the most authentically Italian, or what is the best perspective/method of infant sleep, in such a way that no one else can offer an opinion without appearing to be arguing with you. Don’t be that person who’s always unnecessarily correcting people, from their grammar to the details of the story they’re telling, to historical details, even their theology in most social situations. If you’re constantly “educating” people during casual conversations and a lot of your sentences start with, “Well, actually…” you’re gonna have to ask somebody to help you detox from being a nitpicking know-it-all (Take it from somebody who knows!).

Your manners matter. I’m starting to think Emily Post ought to be required reading for everyone with a pulse. Say please, and thank you, and excuse me, and I’m sorry. Be courteous. Be helpful. Let others go first. Offer others the best seat or the biggest piece of cake and take the lesser for yourself. Be punctual. Be gracious. Répondez, s’il vous plaît. Return calls, emails, and texts in a timely fashion. Dress for the occasion. Reciprocate. Do what you say you’re going to do. Be where you say you’re going to be. Keep your commitments.

Making friends at church can sometimes be tricky, whether it’s because of cliques and lack of hospitality, or because you’ve got a little personal renovation to do, but be in prayer and be Christlike, and leave the results up to the Lord.

Making friends at church can sometimes be tricky, but be in prayer and be Christlike, and leave the results up to the Lord.
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If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Mailbag

The Mailbag: Potpourri (A rabbi, Rosaria, and a boy mom walk into a blog…)

October 8, 2018May 23, 2019 Michelle Lesley

Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question. I also like to take the opportunity in these potpourri editions to let new readers know about my comments/e-mail/messages policy. I’m not able to respond individually to most e-mails and messages, so here are some helpful hints for getting your questions answered more quickly. Remember, the search bar can be a helpful tool!

Do you have any recommendations for mothers raising Godly men? I became a believer after I was married and my husband is not a believer yet.

As a mom to five boys myself, the best advice I can offer you is this: If you want to raise godly men, be a godly woman. Model godliness for your boys. Study your Bible, and teach them to study their Bibles. Pray, and teach them to pray. Be faithful to your church, find a way to serve there, and teach them to do the same. Obey God’s Word, and teach them to be obedient. When you sin, use it as an opportunity to teach them about repentance and forgiveness. Ask God for wisdom, strength, guidance, and patience. Pray for your boys’ salvation. Submit to your husband. Pray for him and for his salvation.

Some other resources you may find helpful:

Your pastor – Set up an appointment with your pastor to get some counsel. This is part of his job in shepherding you. It would also be very helpful to find an older, doctrinally sound sister in Christ at your church (preferably one who has raised boys) and ask her to mentor/disciple you.

Imperishable Beauty: A Study of Biblical Womanhood – If you’d like to learn more about being a godly woman, join our current Bible study here on the blog.

Bringing Up Boys by James Dobson – Although I wouldn’t endorse everything from Dobson, I found this book to be helpful years ago when my sons were young. (I have an older edition of the book, so I can’t vouch for any revisions in this newer edition.)

Six Ways to Raise a Godly Man

Parenting Articles

Are you preaching to men here? Are you instructing them?

This has been my frustration with this whole issue. I read the Bible a lot and can see so very much deception here in the West but feel like I am not allowed to say anything to the males who are deceived. And there are many, many false teachers who are male.

I’m not preaching to men or instructing them in that article. As I stated in the conclusion:

…in the end, this article is not meant to be a castigation of pastors or other Christian men, but an impassioned plea from a church lady who wants to see her sisters make it out alive. Help us. Please.

But even if that article had been instructive to men, that’s not a violation of Scripture. What the Bible prohibits is women preaching to men, instructing men in the Bible, and holding authority over men in the gathered body of Believers – the church setting. A blog is not the church. I think these articles may help as you study through this issue:

Rock Your Role: Jill in the Pulpit
Rock Your Role FAQs
Are Female Bloggers Violating Scripture by “Teaching” Men?
The Mailbag: Is it OK for Christian men to read Christian women’s blogs?

The Bible also does not prohibit you from having a conversation with a male friend or relative to scripturally discourage him from following a false teacher or being a false teacher. (Obviously, you should use biblical wisdom about appearances and temptation when meeting with someone of the opposite sex, though.) That’s essentially what Priscilla and Aquila did when they corrected Apollos – they took him aside privately and explained the gospel more accurately to him.

I would just encourage you to think about your relationship with the man you’re considering talking to. Are you the best person for the job? Not because you’re a woman, but perhaps there’s someone he’s closer to or looks up to as a mentor whose correction might make more of an impact. What about you and your husband (if you’re married and he’s biblically able) approaching this man together as Priscilla and Aquila did? Just some things to consider.

Could you recommend your most trusted watchdog or heresy sites? I’m trying to find info on [a certain rabbi] as my mom has asked me to watch his teachings.

Well…if he’s a rabbi, he is – by definition – not a Christian, so you should not believe anything he says about God, Jesus, the Bible, church, theology, etc. If any Christian discernment sites have anything on him it will probably be Berean Research, Pirate Christian’s Blogs, or Fighting for the Faith. These are the sites I most often use for researching false teachers. I’ve listed a few other helpful discernment sites here (see #6).

In a recent article you said, “I’ve often cited the false teaching that prayer is a ‘two-way conversation’ (you talk to God and then He talks back to you).”

Are you saying that God never “talks” to us in reply to our prayers/talking to Him? Or are you saying that the idea of God talking to us as we talk to each other is wrong? (Thanks so much, in advance, for taking time to answer. I really think assuming things makes us vulnerable to misunderstanding…. May God bless you!)

May God bless you too, and thanks for your question.

The answer to both of your questions is “yes”. God does not “talk” to us, and the idea that He talks to us is biblically incorrect. God has already spoken to us, and even went so far as to have His words written down for us – it’s called the Bible. I’ve explained more about this in my article Basic Training: The Bible is Sufficient.

“You made a bunch of allegations in this article but didn’t back them up with any evidence.”

“You mentioned [a particular word, phrase, or concept] in your article. I don’t understand what that is. Can you please explain?”

Hyperlinks, y’all. They’re called hyperlinks. And you need to click on them to find the information you’re looking for.

If you’re reading one of my articles and you see a word in red that’s underlined when you hover over it (other sites might use other colors), clicking on it will take you to another article or resource that will provide you with more information. It’s a little bit like a footnote in a book.

If I stopped to explain every concept I thought people might not understand, gave the full details of every incident I allude to, or wrote out every Scripture that supports the point I’m making, my articles would be tediously long (even more so than usual!). Hyperlinks are a convenient way to provide you with the details, information, or Scriptures you need without adding unbearable length to the article.

All you have to do is click on them.

Our church recently did a book study on “The Gospel Comes with a House Key” by Rosaria Butterfield. The book’s theme is “radical hospitality”. She and her husband invite non-believing people into their home for meals etc. They place no boundaries on this, many are strangers to them.

Concerns my husband and I had were the lack of safety for their family, and the spiritual danger of being yoked together with unbelievers. When we expressed our concerns, no one else spoke up in agreement with us. We have no problem inviting non-believers into our home, we just want to have some idea of who they are. What is your opinion of this book?

I haven’t read the book, but I have listened to two or three interviews with Rosaria in which she talked about the book and the way she and her husband practice hospitality, so I’ve heard her explain how they open their home to those in their neighborhood whom they may not necessarily know. (For those who aren’t familiar with Rosaria – I do not follow her closely, but from what I know of her, and the people who endorse her, she is doctrinally sound.)

The Butterfields’ Method– The Bible tells us to practice hospitality, but it doesn’t specify precisely how we are to do that. That’s because the Bible has to be applicable to all people across all cultures, contexts, and time. Hospitality will look different even between two families in the same church who are next-door neighbors.

You and your husband are not the Butterfields. You do not live in their town or neighborhood. Your family is different from theirs. And all of that is perfectly fine. God does not call or expect Christians to be carbon copies of each others. That means the way you practice hospitality may not look exactly like the way the Butterfields practice hospitality. And that’s perfectly fine, and biblical, too.

I don’t think the purpose of Rosaria’s book was to say, “This is the definition of hospitality and this is how every Christian has to practice it.”. I think the purpose was to explore the topic of hospitality and stress its importance. Her description of the specific way her family practices hospitality serves as an example of one way to practice it if that would be a fit for your family.

The Butterfields’ Safety– I can understand why, in this day and age, you would be concerned about their safety and the security of their home. They have chosen to accept this risk and practice hospitality this way.

There are two “no-no’s” that go along with your concern and their decision. Your concern does not mean they have to change their decision (not saying you think that, but a surprising number of Christians do), and their decision does not get to dictate the way your family practices hospitality. That we practice hospitality is a biblical command. The way we practice hospitality is a matter of Christian liberty and wisdom for each individual family.

Yoking with Unbelievers– The mere act of inviting unbelievers to your home for a meal or social event is not a violation of Scripture, especially when the end game is to share the gospel with them. This is the kind of hospitality Jesus practiced with unbelievers, except He didn’t have a home to invite them to. He went to their homes.

The only danger of yoking with unbelievers that could come with practicing this kind of hospitality is getting too intimate with unbelieving friends you’ve made and allowing them to pull you away from Christ and into disobedience. For Christians who are mature enough to stand firm in the faith and keep a wise amount of distance with unbelieving friends, the Butterfields’ method of hospitality should not present a problem in this respect. If your family is more spiritually vulnerable, it would probably be wise to consider other ways of practicing hospitality.

It’s wonderful that you’re considering ways to practice hospitality. I would suggest you and your husband pray for wisdom and guidance. Brainstorm some ways you could tweak what the Butterfields do so it’s a fit for your family, or come up with your own unique way of practicing hospitality.