Category: Mailbag

Mailbag

The Mailbag: You need to set up an appointment with your pastor for counsel…

Michelle Lesley

Originally published May 17, 2021

A family member and I had a falling out…

I’m unequally yoked in my marriage…

We’ve got this situation with my husband’s ex-wife…

My adult child lives with us and has broken the law…

…what do I do? How do I handle all of this?

I hurt for so many of y’all facing difficult situations out there. Detailed situations. Complicated situations. Situations you desperately need some help with.

Situations I get emails and comments about that I deeply want to help you with, but I can’t, because it would be unbiblical and irresponsible of me to try to do so.

It would be irresponsible, because I don’t know you. I don’t know the situation or the other people involved. I don’t know the laws in your area. And, although I’m sure you’re all truthful when you write to me, I’m only getting your side of the story, so I’m not getting a complete picture of what’s going on. I could give you advice that might inadvertently prove wrong or harmful.

The first to plead his case seems right,
Until another comes and examines him.

Proverbs 18:17

It would also be irresponsible to my family, because my primary duty is to serve them. If I tried to spend as much time as it would take to properly counsel everyone who asks me to, I would be neglecting my family.

It would be unbiblical because there’s no “stranger thousands of miles away on the internet” role for me in the framework God has set up for Christianity. God’s framework for Christianity is the local church, and in that framework, if you need counsel, the person God has designated to be your first point of contact in most situations is your pastor, an elder, or a spiritually mature brother or sister in Christ.

Not only would it be wrong for me to try to usurp one of those positions, it would be robbing your church of the opportunity to shepherd and disciple you one on one, face to face, for the long haul. And it would be robbing you of the joy and blessings of being ministered to by your church family. When you and your church walk through a situation like this together, it strengthens your bond, grows all of you, and increases your joy in one another.

But I don’t have a church. I promise I’m not trying to pile on here, but I need to take this opportunity to drive home to everybody who’s reading this who has been lackadaisical or defiant* about finding a church: this is one of the reasons you need to find, join, and get plugged in to a good church. This is one of the reasons Scripture tells us that, for Christians, church is not optional and non-negotiable. That we’re to meet together more as the Day draws near, not less.

*”Lackadaisical or defiant” means lackadaisical or defiant. It does not mean, “I’ve been praying and trying really hard to find a good church, but I haven’t found one yet.”

Furthermore, being faithful to a local body can sometimes help prevent certain situations from happening in the first place because you’re getting good, biblical instruction, “training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age”. (Titus 2:12)

If you’re not currently a member of a church (or you are and you’ve stopped attending), you need to make that right immediately. Disobeying God’s command for us to gather isn’t going to help your situation, and obeying it can do nothing but help.

If you’re not sure where to look for a solid church, start praying fervently for God to lead you to one. Then go to the blue menu bar at the top of this page, click on Searching for a new church?, and start by reading the materials in the “What to look for in a church” section.

But I’m hanging in there, trying to effect / waiting for change at a church that’s operating unbiblically and I don’t trust my pastor to give me biblical counsel. Believe me, I know from first hand experience exactly what that’s like.

(I also know that many readers’ knee jerk reaction will be, “Well, you need to get out of there and find a different church.” I get that, and in many cases that’s the right answer. But in other cases it’s not. There are lots of different reasons why someone might choose to weather a temporary storm at her church, and immediately bailing out isn’t always the godly answer.)

What about your Sunday School or Bible study teacher? A spiritually mature friend who’s also hanging in there? An older lady in the church? Think about it and pray for God to lead you to the right person who can help.

If you can’t find someone in your own church, what about a godly friend who goes to another (doctrinally sound) church? Talk things over with her. If she feels like your situation is outside her wheelhouse, perhaps she would be willing to introduce you to her pastor and he would be willing to counsel you. You could even “cold call” a pastor at a doctrinally sound church in your area and see if he counsels “walk-ins” who are members of other churches. It never hurts to ask.

If all else fails, see if there’s a church in your area that has an ACBC certified Biblical Counselor (this is not the same thing as a “Christian counselor/therapist”) available for counseling, or explore my Biblical Counseling resource in the blue menu bar at the top of this page.

But there isn’t a doctrinally sound church in my area. I know that for a few of you, this is true. You live in a remote area where there are no churches. Or, everything close by is Catholic, or NAR, or progressive, and the nearest semblance of a doctrinally sound church is five hours away. You’re willing to make sacrifices to attend church, but there just isn’t one to attend.

But I also know that for some, what this means is, “My ideal church isn’t located within a 15 minute drive of me.”

I’ve addressed these scenarios in detail in some of the links above, so, long story short: check every single church search engine at the Searching for a new church? tab to make sure you haven’t overlooked a good church within achievable driving distance, move, or look into church planting. And, above all, pray that God would provide you with a good church.

But for the purposes of this article, if there isn’t a doctrinally sound church in your area, many of the same suggestions above will apply: talk to a godly friend, Zoom with a solid pastor friend in another area, or visit my Biblical Counseling tab (linked above).

But couldn’t you just recommend a book for me to read that addresses what I’m going through? No, I probably can’t, primarily for the very simple reason that there are thousands of books out there on zillions of topics, and I haven’t read them all. And if I haven’t read a particular book, I don’t know if it’s doctrinally sound, and I don’t know if it adequately addresses your issue.

Additionally, while good books can be somewhat helpful in a general, “one size fits all” sort of way, no book is going to address all the specifics of your particular situation. But a one on one, ongoing counseling or discipleship relationship with your pastor or a godly older sister at church can.

Let’s (I’ve been guilty of this too) be careful not to fall into the subtle mindset of, “If I could just find the right book, it’ll be the magic bullet to solve my problem.” I can practically guarantee you, it won’t.

All of that being said, if your pastor recommends a certain (doctrinally sound) book while he’s counseling you, by all means, read it. If the friend you’re talking things over with says, “This book really helped me a lot in when I was in your situation,” go for it. As you’re pursuing one on one, face to face counsel in the context of your local church, go ahead and read up (I’d recommend anything from Grace to You, Ligonier, or anything written by the folks at the Recommended Bible Teachers tab in the blue menu bar at the top of this page.)

I’m not saying good books aren’t helpful. I’m just saying books alone aren’t a substitute for godly counsel from real, flesh and blood brothers and sisters in Christ. (See my article: You Don’t Need *A* Book, You Need *THE* Book)

Life can be hard and painful sometimes. God knew it would be, and He knows the best way to help us. That’s why He gave us the church.

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Mailbag, Parenting

The Mailbag: Should single women foster or adopt children?

Michelle Lesley

Should single women foster or foster to adopt?

It’s a great question, and a decision that shouldn’t be entered into lightly.

I know that there’s an urgent need for foster parents, so I hate to exclude anyone who’s willing, but at the same time, Christians must be governed by Scripture first, and practical considerations afterward. And in this case, God’s design for the family demonstrates that single women should not adopt and should not foster (except, perhaps, in cases of temporary emergency).

God has numerous reasons for confining sex to marriage, and one of those reasons is that sex results in children. When a married woman gets pregnant, the baby already has a built in set of parents – a father and a mother. That’s the way God designed things because God knows children need both a father and a mother.

But that’s not all – mothers need husbands/fathers, and fathers need wives/mothers. Until you have children, you cannot fully grasp how challenging, physically exhausting, frustrating, and emotionally draining motherhood can be, even under the best of circumstances with a husband. You also have no idea what a joy motherhood can be, and how your loneliness will exponentially increase without a husband to share that joy with.

Compounding the stress on a single foster mother is the fact that children who need foster care have usually spent quite some time in a horrific home situation. They’ve been abused, neglected, abandoned, exposed to drugs, violence, and other unspeakable atrocities. Those things do great damage to children, and, as a result, they often arrive at their foster homes with severe emotional and behavioral problems. And you won’t have a husband to help you. All of that will fall on you to handle, alone.

Consider also, that, unless you’re independently wealthy, if you’re a single woman, you’re going to be working full time. You’re going to take a child who needs extra attention, who’s likely to have been neglected or abandoned and turn around and abandon him again to a daycare or babysitter every day while you’re working. Even if you work from home, your attention won’t be fully focused on him. He doesn’t need that. He needs to be someone’s first priority for a change.

A foster child needs to be someone’s first priority for a change.

Perhaps the most important thing to ponder is this: What’s your motive for wanting to foster or adopt? Is it because you want children, and, without a husband, this seems like the best way to get them? Or, is it because God has given you a desire to help and minister to hurting children? In other words, is your motive “me-focused” or “ministry-focused”?

Is your motive “me-focused” or “ministry-focused”?

Forgive me for being overly direct, but if your motive is me-focused, single or married, you are the last person who should be fostering children. Me-focused people are what lands children in foster care in the first place.

God didn’t create children to make you feel fulfilled. We all want things in life that God has said no to, and God’s prescription for that is not to try to circumvent His “no” with loopholes like foster care, but to learn to be content in the circumstances in which He has placed us.

…I learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in abundance; in any and all things I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:11-13

God didn’t create children to make you feel fulfilled.

If you think your motive might be me-focused, may I make a suggestion? Take your eyes off your desire for children and refocus them on studying, meditating on, and memorizing Philippians 4. (Yes, the whole chapter. It’s only 23 verses long. You can do it!)

If your motive is truly ministry-focused, there are a number of ways you can minister to children besides becoming a single foster mother. Scripture tells us…

So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith.

Galatians 6:10

…so start with your church. Set up an appointment with your pastor or the appropriate elder and explain your desire to minister to children with your church’s support.

  • Ask about ways to get involved with the children’s ministry at your church.
  • Volunteer to teach or help in children’s Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, Bible Drill, parents’ night out, or other children’s ministries.
  • Are there single parents in your church who need a hand with the kids from time to time?
  • Are there married couples -especially those who live far from family- who would welcome an “adopted” aunt or grandma (or at least occasional free babysitting) for their children?
  • Are there disadvantaged children who attend children’s outreach activities at your church whose parents aren’t members? Perhaps you could befriend the parent(s) and help out with their children.

If you already minister to children connected to your church and still have time to do more, look into ways you could minister to children in your community without parenting them.

  • Perhaps emergency foster care or respite foster care would be an option.
  • Maybe there’s a parachurch or community organization (for example: Big Brothers / Big Sisters or something similar) that needs volunteers.
  • Does your denomination have a children’s home or orphanage? (Mine does.) Contact them to find out how to minister to the resident children.

Though, generally speaking, single women should not foster or adopt, exceptional or emergency situations involving family or close loved ones may arise that make it necessary: Your unmarried sister is sent to jail for 18 months, and you’re the only relative who can take her children in. You’re 22 and somewhat established in a good job and a decent place to live, and your parents die in a car accident, leaving behind your 16 year old brother who will be grown and out on his own in a few years.

In exceptional or emergency situations, I would urge you to first consider if you are truly the only option. Children in these situations still need a mother and a father, and the mother and father need each other.

If you are, indeed, the only option for these children, set up an appointment with your pastor for counsel, ask about any resources he’s aware of, and ask your church for prayer, help, and support. You’re going to need it, and the children in your care will too.

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Mailbag

The Mailbag: Potpourri (Alcohol at church events?… Wife insists on false doctrine… Is Allie a false teacher?… FYI: Josh Buice)

Michelle Lesley

Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question.

I like to take the opportunity in these potpourri editions to let new readers know about my comments/e-mail/messages policy. I’m not able to respond individually to most e-mails and messages, so here are some helpful hints for getting your questions answered more quickly. Remember, the search bar (at the very bottom of each page) can be a helpful tool!

Or maybe I answered your question already? Check out my article The Mailbag: Top 10 FAQs to see if your question has been answered and to get some helpful resources.

My husband was just recently selected as pastor of a nearby church. This is his first pastorate. We didn’t know before he accepted the position, but it seems that alcohol is sometimes present at fellowships. The women at the church had a little fellowship after finishing a Bible study series and from pictures on FB, I already see wine. So as a new pastor’s wife, how do I even go about that? I will soon be at those studies and fellowships and I don’t know how to go about that with love. Do I just say right there and then that it’s not prudent or wait till afterwards and say something? Seems this will be one of the things my husband will have to tackle due to the last pastorate being weak. Thank you for your time.

There can be a pretty big learning curve when it comes to transitioning from “regular church member” to “pastor’s wife”. Church members view you differently, you view yourself differently, and there’s the constant self-inflicted pressure to be a good reflection on your husband.

Usually, the best thing to do is to ask your husband how he wants you to handle things, and I would definitely recommend you do that in this situation. But as you’re asking him, and handling things accordingly, here are a few things to keep in mind:

⛪︎ Drinking alcohol, in and of itself, is not intrinsically sinful. If it were, Jesus Himself would have been a sinner. While there are many good reasons to seriously consider the wisdom and the witness of drinking alcohol -as an individual or at church functions- the Bible only prohibits drunkenness. The Bible does not have a zero tolerance policy toward alcohol (in fact, in some passages, God speaks about it in a very positive way). So that’s something to keep in mind when you go to the Bible studies and fellowships. As long as no one’s getting drunk, these women are not sinning. You need to be sure you’re not thinking about this as a sin issue, but as a wisdom issue.

⛪︎ I would not automatically assume that alcohol is acceptable at church functions because the previous pastor was “weak” – in other words, that he just let the congregation run wild and was too cowardly to address sin in the camp. That could be what happened, but there could also be another explanation. Some generally doctrinally sound, theologically conservative churches believe that, because drinking alcohol is not a sin, it’s OK to offer it right alongside the tea and cokes and water bottles at fellowships and other events. That could be another explanation.

⛪︎ “You can’t turn the Titanic around on a dime.” A pastor friend of mine once gave me that valuable piece of advice. In the first few weeks or couple of months of your husband’s new pastorate, he’s probably noticed dozens of things in this church that need correction. If he has determined that alcohol at fellowships is one of those things, you need to trust him to address it whenever and in whatever way he thinks is best. And that might take a while, because this issue might not be at the top of his list of “Urgent Things that Need Fixing Immediately”. Trust your husband and trust God to guide your husband and give him wisdom.

⛪︎ Lead by example. “How do I go about that?” you asked. There’s really no need for you to “go about” anything. While you’re waiting for and trusting your husband to address the issue, go to the fellowships and Bible studies, have a good time, and drink something non-alcoholic. No big whoop. If someone notices over time that you’re not drinking alcohol and asks you about it, just quietly, briefly, and biblically explain to her (not the whole room – it’ll get around, trust me) why you personally have chosen not to drink. (That means you’ll need to search the Scriptures and pray about it so you’ll be clear in your own heart and mind why you’ve made this choice and will be able to articulate it to others.) Those simple, quiet acts may just set an example the ladies would like to follow and the issue may take care of itself.

But all that being said, talk to your husband about it, ask him how he’d like you to handle (or not handle) things, and do that.

A few months into my marriage, I became uncomfortable with the theology and denomination my wife and I were in when we got married. Over time, I recognized unbiblical practices and false teachings, which were not apparent to me during courtship. As a result, I left the ministry four years ago, and my wife and I now have one child.

Unfortunately, in my attempt to bring her along with me, I took some wrong steps, for which I have apologized. However, I remain deeply concerned about the influence of these teachings on our relationship and our son. When I expressed my opposition to her taking him to the meetings, she repeatedly threatened to leave the marriage if I tried to intervene. This ongoing conflict has led me to decide that I do not wish to have more children with her as long as she continues this practice.

I would greatly appreciate your perspective on this situation.

That is definitely a tough one, brother, and my heart goes out to you.

I would encourage you to do a deep dive on these Scriptures and walk them out in your marriage. (on the 1 Peter passage, do verse 7, and do a husbandly version of verses 1-6).

As you’re doing that, I would also encourage you -if you’re now in a doctrinally sound church- to set up an appointment with your pastor for counsel and discipleship about this. He may counsel you himself or he may introduce you to a “Titus 2” godly older man in the church who can walk you through this.

If you’re not already a member of a doctrinally sound church, two recommendations:

  • Go to the Searching for a new church? tab in the blue menu bar at the top of this page, and find a good church. Then contact the pastor, explain your situation, and ask if he can help.
  • If it’s taking you a while to find a good church, while you’re still looking, go to the Biblical Counseling Resources tab in that same blue menu bar, and contact an ACBC certified biblical counselor in your area for help. (Biblical counseling is completely different from “Christian counseling”. I would not recommend traditional Christian counseling.)

I am confused. I thought any time someone is associated with false teachers that person is considered a false teachers as well? But yet, [someone like Allie Beth Stuckey] isn’t considered a false teacher?

First, a little background information for those who aren’t aware. Allie Beth Stuckey is the conservative Christian host of the widely popular podcast, Relatable. When she first started out, her main focus was discussing politics from a conservative viewpoint. As time went by, her show became increasingly theological in nature. Unfortunately, as that dynamic unfolded it also became increasingly apparent that Allie is sadly lacking in discernment, and I eventually had to remove her from my recommends for that reason. (More here.)

It recently came to light that Allie is planning to yoke, once again, with some egregious* false teachers. She will be speaking at Thinq Summit 2025 (formerly Q Conference / Q-ideas), founded and run by Gabe and Rebekah Lyons. Here’s my Instagram post about it:

*When I say “egregious,” I’m not exaggerating. The people she has been yoking with lately are not Christians with minor differences on minor matters. Lisa Bevere is a literal NAR heretic, and the Lyonses are so progressive and woke I’m surprised they still pass as “Christians” to anyone, lost or saved.

I also posted about this on my Facebook page, and that’s where this reader’s question came from. Let me see if I can help clear things up.

Yoking with false teachers is a sin. The Bible commands us time and again to have nothing to do with false teachers (much less join with them in any endeavor, especially under the banner of a “Christian” event). When Scripture tells us not to do something and we do it anyway, that’s a sin. Allie is committing a sin by yoking with these false teachers.

But a false teacher is someone who sins by teaching false doctrine. At the moment (and as far as I know) the doctrine Allie believes and proclaims is still, generally, biblical and sound. However, as 1 Corinthians 15:33 tells us: “Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.” This is not just true of our personal morals and behavior, but the same principle holds true for our doctrine and beliefs. Associating with false teachers can lead us astray from sound doctrine. This is one of the reasons why the Scriptures I linked above command us not to have anything to do with false teachers.

In other words, by continually associating with false teachers, someone’s beliefs and doctrine can be corrupted and she could become a false teacher herself. I do not think that has happened to Allie yet. Allie’s situation at the moment is similar to Josh Buice’s situation. She is a high profile, doctrinally sound Christian who has sinned.

…and speaking of Josh Buice…

If you don’t know what transpired last week, click the link above to get it straight from the horse’s mouth of G3 Ministries.

Because Josh is under church discipline and is likely permanently disqualified from ministry, I have removed him from my list of Recommended Bible Teachers, Authors, Etc. And since G3 has decided to remove all of Josh’s content from their website, I will also be removing links to his materials from all of my articles because those links will no longer be functional. This is going to take a long time because I’m just going to remove them as I come across them, and there are a lot of them. If you’d like to help me out, drop me an email, PM/DM, blog or social media comment if you’re reading one of my articles and come across a link to something of his so I can remove it. Thanks.

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Discernment, Mailbag

The Mailbag: Potpourri (Shack up shenanigans… Church library discernment… Adding recommended teachers)

Michelle Lesley

Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question.

I like to take the opportunity in these potpourri editions to let new readers know about my comments/e-mail/messages policy. I’m not able to respond individually to most e-mails and messages, so here are some helpful hints for getting your questions answered more quickly. Remember, the search bar (at the very bottom of each page) can be a helpful tool!

Or maybe I answered your question already? Check out my article The Mailbag: Top 10 FAQs to see if your question has been answered and to get some helpful resources.

I have a friend who is living with someone she is not married to. She professes to be a Christian. I don’t see or talk to her much as she lives a couple of hours away. I have been invited to spend the weekend with her. I don’t want to go as I don’t want her to think I condone her living situation. How do I graciously bring up this violation of God’s instructions to us regarding sexual immorality?

I’m so sorry your friend’s sin has put you in this difficult situation. I know it’s uncomfortable and awkward, and you’re probably afraid you’re going to offend her and maybe even lose your relationship with her as a result of this situation.

But I want you (and all of my readers who are in awkward situations similar to this) to remember that your friend is the one at fault here for all of this awkwardness and potential hurt feelings, not you. She caused this situation by her sin, and if she doubles down on that sin when you talk to her about it, she will also be at fault for any other negative results that transpire, not you. That’s what sin does. It ruins everything it touches, it impacts areas of our lives we never dreamed it would, and it affects our relationships with the people we love.

I agree it would probably be wisest not to stay overnight with your friend and her shack up. It will seem to her as though you have no problem with her sinful living arrangement. However, accepting or declining the invitation may not be your only two options. What about the possibilities of either making it a day trip (and not spending the night at all), or accepting the invitation, but staying in a hotel or somewhere else besides under her roof? That way, you could spend time with your friend and have the opportunity to call her to repentance, face to face.

This would also give you the chance to share the gospel with her. I know she professes to be a Christian, but it’s important that we believe God over sinful human beings, and God says:

And by this we know that we have come to know Him, if we keep His commandments. The one who says, “I have come to know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him; but whoever keeps His word, truly in him the love of God has been perfected. By this we know that we are in Him: the one who says he abides in Him ought himself to walk in the same manner as He walked.

1 John 2:3-6

Yes, Christians fall into sin, but Christians also repent. We do not gleefully jump into the pool of sin and swim around in it for extended periods of time. We hate our sin. We feel guilt and conviction over our sin. And we repent. That’s one of the fruits of genuine conversion. Likewise, living in sin without conviction, repentance, etc., is the fruit of someone who is lost, regardless of what she might claim, because God says so.

I would encourage you to go and spend some time with your friend (without spending the night at her house) if at all possible. The Lord has put you – someone who cares for her and knows the Truth – into her life to be salt and light to her.

How to do it graciously? Reassure her of your love for her and that if you didn’t truly love her, you wouldn’t be addressing this with her. And then just tell her the truth. She claims to be a Christian. She’s living in direct violation of God’s Word. She needs to repent and change her ways.

Saying all of this graciously and kindly doesn’t mean she won’t get mad at you and break off the relationship. She might do just that because she loves her sin more than she loves you and certainly more than she loves Christ. No amount of graciousness and kindness on your part can prevent that.

And as strong, godly Christian women, we have to be OK with that. We serve a Savior who was despised and rejected by men. Is a disciple above his teacher or a slave above his master?

“A disciple is not above his teacher, nor a slave above his master. It is enough for the disciple that he become like his teacher, and the slave like his master. If they have called the head of the house Beelzebul, how much more the members of his household!

“Therefore do not fear them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known. What I tell you in the darkness, speak in the light; and what you hear whispered in your ear, proclaim upon the housetops. And do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for an assarion? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.

“Therefore everyone who confesses Me before men, I will also confess him before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven.

“Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s enemies will be the members of his household.

“He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it.

Matthew 10:24-39

The gospel divides. And we are always called to stand with Jesus on His side of the divide.

I am wondering if you lead or have a ladies discernment class/group at your church? How do you handle discernment in your own church – formally or informally? The pushback I’m getting as I clear out our library (I’m the recent Library Chairwoman) has been a surprise to me. I’m wondering if I need to request to my Pastor to start a discernment group either as a Sunday School offering or as a study. I have no idea what resources outside of the Bible I would need, and any direction/ suggestions you could give would be great! 💜 Thank you so much for all you do!

It’s always a challenge when the pastor wants to move the church in a more discerning direction, and sometimes the pushback isn’t pleasant.

We do not have standing groups or classes at my church specifically centered around discernment. It’s just part of our regular sermons, Sunday School lessons, and discipleship classes whenever it comes up in the biblical text we’re studying, just like forgiveness or patience or prayer or any other biblical principle.

But if your church has really had no instruction in discernment, it’s probably best to spend some focused time on it. It would be best and most biblical if your pastor took the lead on this. It’s in his job description / qualifications, after all:

He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it.

Titus 1:9

It’s up to him how he addresses it – a sermon series, a discipleship seminar, maybe invite Justin Peters in to teach, or whatever. My only suggestion would be that it shouldn’t be framed as a “discernment group“. That makes it sound like a special group only for those who are interested (like a knitting group or a bowling group), when this is an important biblical principle and command for every Christian, “interested” or not. Everyone in your church needs to be instructed in discernment. It’s not optional.

Once your pastor decides how he’d like to handle things, if he’d like you to undergird his teaching with the women, I have two suggestions:

◦ I’ve written a Bible study on discernment. It’s called Choose What Is Right: A Study in Discernment, and you can find it (along with all the other studies I’ve written) at the Bible Studies tab in the blue menu bar at the top of this page. All of my studies are free, available 24/7, and suitable for groups or individuals.

◦ How about making it fun and letting me do the heavy lifting? If you’d like to set up a women’s conference at your church, I’d be delighted to come and teach on the topic of discernment (other topics available too!). Just go back up to the blue menu bar at the top of this page and click on the Speaking Engagements tab for all the details.

One more piece of advice that’s probably a little too late for you but might spare another reader and/or her pastor: the church library can be a bit of a golden calf for some church members, and for various reasons. When a solid pastor friend of mine decided to finally pull the trigger on cleaning out his church’s years’ neglected library of all the fluff and false doctrine, he went about it in a very wise way.

He told none of the church members about it. He went into the library, assessed it, and assigned one of the other pastors’ wives (who was discerning and had been itching to get in there and clean house) to the task. He told her what he wanted removed and told her to come to him with anything else questionable. It was done quickly, quietly, and most importantly, with little to no pushback. That’s what I’d recommend.

Thank you for your list of Recommended Bible Teachers, Authors, etc.! This is great! Can you please add Pastor _____ from _____ Church?

You’re welcome! I’m glad that’s a helpful resource.

Typically, when this kind of request is made, it’s about a pastor, author, etc. that I’ve never heard of. And let me just say, I’m thrilled – THRILLED – that there are so many good ones out there that I haven’t heard of most of them. There are good, doctrinally sound teachers out there, it’s just that most of them are not well known. Don’t be discouraged, thinking there’s nothing out there but false teachers!

But just as a general answer to this question, no, I probably won’t add the person you’re suggesting. The people on the recommended teachers list are people I feel comfortable proactively recommending because I know them personally and/or I’ve personally listened to them long enough (think: years) to know, from first hand experience, that they’re solid.

You’re welcome to keep suggesting people. I might listen to them. But if I do add them, it’s going to be a while.

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Mailbag, Movies

The Mailbag: Potpourri (Help me understand Scripture… “The King of Kings” reviews… Thoughts on “House of David”)

Michelle Lesley

Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question.

I like to take the opportunity in these potpourri editions to let new readers know about my comments/e-mail/messages policy. I’m not able to respond individually to most e-mails and messages, so here are some helpful hints for getting your questions answered more quickly. Remember, the search bar (at the very bottom of each page) can be a helpful tool!

Or maybe I answered your question already? Check out my article The Mailbag: Top 10 FAQs to see if your question has been answered and to get some helpful resources.

This follower responded to a Facebook post of mine encouraging women to avoid Tara Leigh Cobble…

I have been reading The Bible Recap and what I have loved was [Tara Leigh Cobble] explaining the Scriptures to me after, which is helpful. I struggle with understanding Scripture and need it broken down for me. Can you recommend something like this for me?

I’m so glad you asked! I can actually recommend something much better! You may have already done some of these, but I want to answer this question for anyone who might happen across this article.

📖 Make sure you have been genuinely born again. Genuine Believers are indwelt by the Holy Spirit who illumines (supernaturally helps us understand) Scripture to us. First Corinthians 2:14 tells us that’s why lost people (even false converts – those who think they’re saved, but aren’t) aren’t able to understand Scripture. Carefully and prayerfully consider the Scriptures and materials at the What Must I Do to Be Saved tab (in the blue menu bar at the top of this page), and make sure you’ve repented and believed the biblical gospel.

But a natural man does not accept the depths of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually examined.

1 Corinthians 2:14

📖 Make sure you’re joined to a doctrinally sound local church. (Check out the Searching for a new church? tab if you need help.) Another reason someone might not understand Scripture is that she’s not in a good, solid, Bible believing, Bible teaching church, so she’s not being taught Scripture or how to understand it.

📖 Make sure you have a trustworthy translation of the Bible that’s easy for you to understand. My article The Mailbag: Which Bible Do You Recommend? has some helpful hints for translations to consider, and to avoid.

📖 Get plugged in to your church and attend faithfully (every Sunday morning at a minimum unless you’re sick or otherwise absolutely can’t go; preferably also Sunday night and midweek if your church has services those days). Sit under good preaching from your pastor, and join a Sunday School or Bible study class. Take every opportunity to study and learn Scripture at your church where your pastor and elders can have oversight over the Bible study classes you’re in to make sure they don’t go wonky.

📖 Ask a godly, older woman to disciple you according to Titus 2:3-5. If you don’t know someone like that at your church, ask your pastor for help.

Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may instruct the young women in sensibility: to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be slandered.

Titus 2:3-5

📖 Put aside The Bible Recap and any other “canned” studies (Bible study books, workbooks, programs, etc.), you’re using, and study straight from the text of Scripture in a systematic way. If you’ve never done that before, check out some of the studies I’ve written at the Bible Studies tab. My studies are designed to teach you how to study straight from the Bible in a “learn by doing” sort of way. Try a couple (they’re all free), and once you get the hang of it, you won’t have to rely on anyone else’s studies – even mine – any more. Or, you could just pick up your Bible, choose a book, begin with chapter 1, verse 1, and study it through to the end.

📖 Pray before you study. Start your Bible study time by asking God to help you understand His Word, to speak to you from it, to learn what He wants you to learn from it, and to obey its instruction. This is a God who loves you and wants you to know Him. He has told you that you can ask for wisdom and understanding and He promises to give it to you. Asking God to help you understand His Word is a prayer He delights to answer.

📖 As you’re studying your Bible, listening to the sermons at church, and learning in your Bible study classes, if you have a question about something, ask your pastor, elders, Bible study teacher, or the woman who’s discipling you.

The reason all of these things are better than a “canned” Bible study alternative to The Bible Recap is that all of these things I’ve outlined above are God’s plan for us to learn His Word. God’s plan is for us to learn His Word through the local church, not from strangers on the internet, in books, and so on. It’s fine to occasionally supplement what you’re learning in church and your personal Bible study time with a good book, podcast, or sermon (see the Recommended Bible Teachers, Authors, etc. tab for some suggestions), but your primary source of Bible teaching should be your local church.

Have you seen the movie King of Kings? Are you going to write a review of it?

Haven’t seen it. Not planning to see it or write a review of it unless God picks me up by the hair and plunks me down into a theater that’s showing it (for free – I’m not going to financially support it by buying a ticket).

However, if you’re looking for a trustworthy review, I would highly recommend this one from my friend, Pastor Gabriel Hughes…

WWUTT 2385 Q&A Jesus Movies, The King of Kings Review, Is This a Good Thing

or the TLDL version – his two minute WWUTT video review (sorry, can’t redact what some of y’all will consider a 2CV {second Commandment violation} on this one)…

…or this two part commentary and review from Wretched:

Part 1: Why King of Kings Misses the Mark on True Christianity

Part 2: Why King of Kings Misses the Mark on True Christianity

Photo courtesy of IMDb

However, I did watch season 1 of the Amazon Prime series, House of David, because these “Bible” shows are just train wrecks I can’t seem to look away from. Here’s my mini-review (because I’m not writing a real review). Spoilers follow:

So far (that’s the focal phrase in this sentence) – although there are definitely some biblical issues with the content of the episodes (I didn’t look into any of the actors or any behind the scenes stuff. I just watched the show. And not super carefully. I needed something to watch while folding laundry.) – so far, it seems more biblically accurate than The Chosen. And, yeah, I realize that’s not saying much. And no, I don’t hold out any hope that it won’t get worse. And no, I don’t think they’re going to get the theology surrounding David as a type of Christ – or any other theological points – right.

The actor playing David is adorable, but by about the third episode (out of eight), I was done with his (or whoever dubbed it) whiny, nasally singing. I’ll be reaching for the mute button on that from here on out.

The general posture of animosity towards David from his brothers and father? I’ve read the biblical account a bunch of times, and I’ve never gotten that impression, have you?

Goliath: Turn the captions on because you’re not going to be able to understand a word he says.

Here’s some info. on the mythology they’re using about David’s mother: Does the Bible mention David’s mother?

Samuel: I like him, but what about a hair and beard cut? At least he doesn’t have a man bun. Yet.

Lots of visions in this show (David, Saul, etc.) that are mentioned nowhere in Scripture.

The way they’re portraying Saul’s mental problems (or whatever you want to call them), minus the weird apparitions of Amalek, are about the way I have always pictured them. Some theologians think Saul was bi-polar. I think it was either that or demon possession or oppression. Anyway, it seems true to life.

Goliath threw a spear and injured David before David killed him? Yeah… no. The text doesn’t say that. That’s your “artistic license” coming in to “improve” on a story that’s already perfect.

“What’s my purpose?” “Find your purpose.” Purpose, purpose, purpose. Is Rick Warren getting any royalties off this show? If not, he might want to look into that.

Greg Laurie wrote an accompanying devotional for the show. Miss me with that. I’m going to tell you like we told you with The Chosen devotionals / “Bible” studies: If you want a Bible study on this story, God already wrote it. Pick up your Bible and read it. That way you know you’re getting the truth.

What did I forget? Got specific questions? Comment below.

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.