I’ve been married to a minister of music for over 20 years. My husband has served at many different churches in a variety of capacities: on staff, interim, supply, revivals, conferences, retreats, etc. Over those 20+ years and in those various capacities, I’ve observed a number of things about him, pastors, church musicians, and congregations from a unique vantage point.
Now, with a little help and a lot of input from a few sister minister of music’s wives, it’s true confession time. Time for us to tell all, here in Part 2 of Real Ministers of Music’s Wives of Anychurch, U.S.A.
Turn Your Radio On, and Listen to the Music in The Air The minister of music understands that there are songs we love to sing along with on Christian radio or Spotify that we’d also like to sing in church, and, in a lot of cases, he’d probably like to, too. There are a variety of reasons why the songs we like might not get sung in church:
It’s a solo. Most of the songs we hear on the radio (especially contemporary ones) are written and performed as solos, and don’t work for congregational singing because: the timing is difficult for a large group to follow, there are too many spontaneous riffs and change ups, there are complicated and/or numerous bridges and tags that are difficult for large groups to follow, etc. Not every song works for large group singing.
The lyrics contain faulty or watered down theology. The minister of music’s job is to lead us in worship. We can’t worship if we’re singing something that conflicts with God’s Word or doesn’t focus on Him and His nature, character, and deeds.
The accompanists aren’t comfortable with it. A lot of the songs people want to sing in the worship service can be difficult for pianists and other instrumentalists whose main experience is in other genres of music. While every musician should strive to improve his skills, the minister of music doesn’t want to put his accompanists on the spot if they’re uncomfortable with the technical requirements of the music.
Your minister of music isn’t comfortable with it.If the minister of music is in his 60’s he may not feel he can carry off a top ten CCM song made popular by somebody in his 20’s, especially if he doesn’t have a worship band equal to the one we’re used to hearing on the radio.
There’s no sheet music available. Or it’s not available in the right key or for the right instruments, etc.
It’s “off limits”. Occasionally, and for various reasons, the pastor, elders, or others in leadership over the minister of music will make a decision that a certain song is not to be used in the worship service. Depending on the circumstances, there may not be a diplomatic way to explain this to people who love that song and want to sing it in church.
Play Us a Song, You’re the Piano Woman Just by way of information, not every minister of music’s wife plays the piano. I’m one of them. Sorry. I wish I could.
One Singular Sensation Regardless of how many pop stars got their start by singing in church, the purpose of the worship service is to worship God. There are many wonderful and talented soloists who, in humility and faithfulness, pour their hearts out to God in song at their local churches and do a great job of it. There are also a few divas on their way up the ladder looking for a stepping stone to greatness. Church isn’t American Idol. Find a karaoke bar.
Show a Little Bit of Love and Kindness It’s always encouraging for a minister of music to hear that he did a great job with the choir or that you really worshiped this morning. It’s encouraging when a pastor mounts the platform for his sermon and says thank you, or “I really liked that song,” or refers back to/quotes one of the songs during his sermon. Little things like that go a long way, so offer your minister of music a word of encouragement when you can.
Also, if your church participates in pastor appreciation month (usually the month of October), please don’t forget your minister of music, youth pastor, associate pastor, etc. They all work hard to shepherd you, and it doesn’t feel good to be left out.
War- What is it Good For? The worship wars (contemporary worship music vs. traditional hymns) are alive and well. Sometimes, rather than being a general in that war, our minister of music might just be a casualty of it.
Everybody has particular genres of music that we’re most comfortable with. When a different style comes along, it can be jarring. It can cause angst. It can cause arguments. But when we worship God, our focus is not to be on what makes us happy or comfortable. Often, we get so concerned about whether the worship at church pleases or offends us that we don’t stop to think about whether it pleases or offends God.
But that’s the main concern of the minister of music. Which songs, regardless of style, will be pleasing to the Lord and lead people into truth about Him? While he’s trying to do his best to sort this out week by week, he’s possibly being pulled in a variety of directions by a variety of people over style. How many people will leave the church if we sing more hymns than contemporary songs? How many people will stop giving in the offering if we sing more contemporary songs than hymns? Who’s going to accost me after church and complain? How will the pastor and elders react to this week’s order of service? It can be a lot of pressure and take his focus off of where it needs to be: what will be pleasing to God?
Just as one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, the songs we don’t like might just be someone else’s favorite. What if we looked at singing the songs we don’t particularly like as a way to serve and encourage our brothers and sisters in the congregation who do like those songs?
Why’s Everybody Always Pickin’ on Me? There’s no nice, sweet way to say this, so I’m just gonna throw it out there. Church members can sometimes be mean. I mean, mean. Let me hasten to add that most of the time, most church members are not. The majority of church members are kind, loving, supportive, and definitely appreciated by the pastor and staff. However, the others are definitely out there. I have seen church members treat pastors, ministers of music, and other church staff the way I wouldn’t treat a dog. There’s no excuse for that.
The minister of music isn’t perfect. There may be times when he does something unbiblical or hurtful and at those times, it’s necessary for the appropriate person to talk with him, under the provisos of Matthew 18, about whatever is wrong. But there are other times when people get their feathers ruffled –even though the minister of music hasn’t done anything wrong or unbiblical—simply because their personal preferences haven’t been catered to.
It’s OK to talk with our ministers of music about things, even personal preferences, but let’s do it in an encouraging and helpful way rather than a griping or attacking way. Screaming, threatening, name calling, constant complaints, and nasty anonymous notes and emails are never appropriate, and if that’s what is transpiring, then the problem is not with the minister of music it’s with the person who’s acting that way. If we know that a member of our church is acting that way towards anyone, pastor, staff, or layperson, we must intervene and be a catalyst for making things right.
God calls us to encourage one another and build each other up, so let’s get at it! Let’s try to affirm our ministers of music (and pastors and other staff!) whenever we’re able!
What’s something you can do to be an encouragement to your minister of music?
I’ve been married to a minister of music for over 20 years. My husband has served at many different churches in a variety of capacities: on staff, interim, supply, revivals, conferences, retreats, etc. Over those 20+ years and in those various capacities, I’ve observed a number of things about him, pastors, church musicians, and congregations from a unique vantage point.
Now, with a little help and a lot of input from a few sister minister of music’s wives, it’s true confession time. Time for us to tell all…
Sing, Sing a Song… Singing is often the only opportunity church members have (besides the offering) to take an active role in worship. Let’s all take advantage of it!
The music portion of the worship service is just that: worship and service, but sometimes we can slip into thinking of it as “filler time” before the “main event” of the sermon. If we’re spending the music time chatting with our friends, checking Facebook on our phones, knitting, or clipping our nails (sadly, yes, I’ve seen all of those happen) aren’t we robbing God and ourselves of the precious few hours per week we set aside for worship? Is it fair to God to spend the time we’re supposed to be worshiping on these kinds of distractions? God commands our worship and God deserves our worship. So, let’s give God our full attention and worship Him!
R-E-S-P-E-C-T – find out what it means to your minister of music. The minister of music doesn’t just roll out of bed on Sunday morning, jump up on the platform, and wave his arms around for thirty minutes. He works hard during the week to plan a worship service that honors God and grows and trains the congregation spiritually. He often does so amid a number of challenges: the varied talents of his accompanists, a hymn request by the pastor or a church member, bugs in the sound system, musicians going out of town, the choir soloist getting the flu. He rehearses with the instrumentalists, the praise team, the choir, and others. When he stands in front of us to lead the music, he deserves the same respect we give the pastor when he preaches or a teacher imparting knowledge or someone at work who’s making a presentation: our attention.
Someone To Watch Over Me Singing in the choir or on the praise team kinda goes hand in hand with being a minister of music’s wife, so we’re often up on the platform near our husbands. I need to tell you a little secret:
We can see you out there.
It is incredibly encouraging to see people who are focused on Christ and engaged with Him as they’re worshiping. It’s obvious they’re communing with their Savior and thinking about Him as they sing. It makes the minister of music feel like he’s been successful in helping them connect with the Lord in worship.
On the other hand, it’s very discouraging to see people with their hands stuffed in their pockets, not singing, or, conversely, mindlessly rattling off lyrics, and with a countenance that says, “I’d rather be at the dentist.” I once saw a televised worship service where the congregation was singing the hymn, “All that Thrills My Soul is Jesus.” It would be difficult to describe just how unthrilled most of them looked. The word “corpses” comes to mind.
Jesus said to love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. When we engage all four of those areas in worship, we’re not just pleasing Him by our obedience, He’s growing us into stronger, more mature Believers. And that’s the best encouragement of all for our minister of music.
Where He Leads Me, I Will Follow We minister of music’s wives are blessed that our husbands have, for the most part, worked under pastors who are supportive and set a great example for their congregations. Pastors, you have an enormous influence on your congregation even when you’re not aware of it. And one area in which you may not be aware that church members are watching and emulating you, even when we’re not aware of it, is during the music portion of the worship service.
Your congregation can see you during the worship time, whether you’re sitting on the stage or in a pew. What you convey with your own behavior about the importance of worship, we will absorb and reflect. If you are engaged and sing heartily to the Lord, we will get the message that you think God is worthy of all of our worship and we will follow suit. If you spend the worship time engaged in other activities, we will get the message that worship time is more like the coming attractions before a movie than a time to join in and commune with the Lord through what we sing.
Additionally, when your congregation is actively engaged in worship, it gets our hearts prepared to soak up the message you have for us in your sermon. So, when you’re worshiping with gusto, you’re not only setting a great example, you’re also getting people right where you want them: ready to drink in God’s word!
Part two of this article is on its way!
What are some things you appreciate about your minister of music or worship leader?
Numerous articles have been written about how you, as a church member, can be an encouragement to your pastor- how you can constructively praise his sermon, pray for him, get him a great gift for Pastor Appreciation Month, etc. These are good things. Please be sure to support your pastor. Being a pastor is one of the toughest and most thankless jobs out there, and if you’ve read the statistics you know pastors need and deserve all the encouragement they can get.
Your preaching pastor isn’t the only person on your church’s staff who needs your support. So does your minister of music.
But your preaching pastor isn’t the only person on your church’s staff who needs your support. So does your minister of music. And, having been married to one for over twenty years, I can tell you there aren’t manyarticles out there letting you know how church members can encourage their ministers of music. Ready to show some love? Here are seven ways you can be an encouragement to your minister of music.
1. Make practice a priority.
Before you join the choir or praise team or volunteer to play an instrument, find out how much of a time commitment it will be, and consider whether or not you can diligently keep that commitment. Once you’ve joined or volunteered, attend rehearsals, worship services, and performances faithfully, and be sure to arrive on time. You have no idea how much it means to your minister of music that he can count on you.
2. Get to church on time.
Think about how you would feel if you planned a dinner party, worked hard all week cooking and cleaning, and then one of the couples you invited carelessly showed up halfway through the meal. You’d probably think that was kind of rude and feel somewhat discouraged. That’s sort of the way a minister of music can feel when people (especially the same people every week) habitually arrive late to church for non-emergency reasons. Not only that, but it’s a distraction to others when you come in late, plus you’re missing out on praising God and getting your heart prepared to receive His Word during the sermon. Being on time and ready for worship benefits everybody!
3. Sing!
If you were in a meeting at work or in a college class, would you pick up your knitting, clip your nails, walk around the room chatting with friends, or bury your nose in your phone the whole time? Probably not, yet, over the years I have seen church members do all these and more during the music portion of the worship service. It’s disrespectful to the God we’re supposed to be worshiping and to the minister of music who is trying to do the work God has called him to. On the other hand, I love it when we get in the car after church and my husband says, with a smile on his face, “Wow, they were really singing today!” We have an incredible Savior who has given us the privilege of praising Him, so let’s take Him up on it. Sing out! You can worship and be an encourager all at the same time.
4. Smile!
It’s pretty disheartening for a minister of music to stand up front, giving it all he’s got, and then look out over the congregation and see a bunch of people looking like they’d rather be at the dentist. Think about Who you’re singing to and all the reasons why you’re singing to Him, and I challenge you to keep a frown on your face! Just the simple act of smiling while you’re singing will do wonders for your minister of music (and for you!).
5. Think before you complain.
Has your minister of music said or done something that’s clearly a sin or false doctrine? If so, you have a biblical obligation to go to him -kindly and in love- and talk to him about it directly.
Is your complaint a matter of personal preference- style of music, whether or not he wears a tie, etc.? Give it 24 hours. Does it still seem just as important? Could you possibly be a servant to him (and others in the congregation whose opinion is the opposite of yours) by overlooking an offense and not complaining?
If you do feel the need to voice your concern (and there are valid concerns that aren’t sin-related), approach your minister of music the way you would want to be approached. Instead of, “Turn that dadgum volume DOWN!” how about, “I was wondering if it would be possible to ask the sound tech to lower the volume in the house speakers a little? My baby’s ears are very sensitive and she gets fussy when it’s that loud. I hate missing worship when I have to take her out to the lobby.” Instead of, “Hymns are so boring. I don’t see why we have to sing them half the time,” how about, “I really loved those two worship songs we sang this morning! Do you think we might be able to sing more songs like that soon?” Christ wants us to be kind to one another, so show your minister of music a little “Golden Rule” love.
6. Speak encouraging words often.
It’s been our experience, and seems to be the general consensus among ministers of music, that the most common kind of feedback they get is negative feedback. People are much quicker to complain than affirm. Buck the trend. Did he choose one of your favorite songs for the service? Did a certain song help you to understand one of God’s attributes better? Did the choir do a nice job on their anthem? Are you praying for him? Tell him. He appreciates it more than you know.
7. Show tangible appreciation.
It is amazing what even the smallest gift can do to lift my husband’s spirits. A card of appreciation (I have come across cards that he has saved for years), something related to one of his hobbies, a church member buying him lunch at a fast food place. They might be small items monetarily speaking, but their message is, “I care about you, and I appreciate your hard work.” And that’s priceless.
We have been blessed over the last two decades to serve at several churches that had members who were very good at encouraging their minister of music. Their love and support made my husband’s ministry a joy. What are some ways you can think of to encourage the minister of music at your church and spread that same kind of joy?
He who turns away his ear from listening to the law, Even his prayer is an abomination.
Proverbs 28:9
Can you believe God would ever call prayer an abomination?
Imagine you have a teenage son or daughter (not such a stretch for some of us!) who always says the right thing (OK, that’s a stretch):
“I’ll be glad to clean up my room, Mom.”
“All right! Liver and onions for supper again! Mom, you’re such a great cook!”
“I love you, Mom.”
“I’m so thankful to have you and Dad as parents!”
“Mom and Dad, I appreciate you. Keep up the great work!”
“My parents always make the best and wisest decisions!”
Granted, that’s not going to happen in this lifetime, but wouldn’t you receive such praise gratefully if it were offered? Would you be more inclined to extend curfew? Lend out the car keys more often? Buy that new outfit she’s been begging for?
Now what if you found out that, while your child was saying all these wonderful things to and about you, she was cheating on tests at school, lying to you about where she had been, using drugs, or sneaking around with a boy you didn’t want her to see? How much would all that praise mean to you then? Would any of it matter if your child were living in willful disobedience?
How much more are our prayers, our praise, our worship, an affront to a holy God if they are drawn from the well of a rebellious heart?
Our prayers, our praise, our worship, are an affront to a holy God if they are drawn from the well of a rebellious heart.
The call to take up our crosses daily and follow Him is a call to complete surrender and obedience. It’s not:
“I’ll obey if I feel like it.”
“I’ll obey if it doesn’t conflict with what I want to do.”
“I’ll obey if it’s convenient.”
“I’ll obey if it’s fun.”
“I’ll obey if people will praise me for it.”
It’s doing what God tells us to do when and how He tells us to do it. Trust me, Jesus didn’t feel like dying on the cross. It wasn’t convenient, it wasn’t fun, and, in that moment, nobody praised Him for it.
But He did it anyway.
Because He was obedient.
How can we who bear His name expect that He would call us to less?
Has the LORD as much delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices As in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, And to heed than the fat of rams. For rebellion is as the sin of divination, And insubordination is as iniquity and idolatry…
1 Samuel 15:22-23a
May our prayers, praise, and worship spring from a consecrated lifestyle, in full submission to the Savior, so the Lord will not say of us:
…this people draw near with their words and honor Me with their lip service, but they remove their hearts far from Me…
Isaiah 29:13
Go ahead and get your praise on…but get your obedience on first.
Go ahead and get your praise on…but get your obedience on first.
Earlier this week, Thom Rainer, president and CEO of LifeWay, pubished a blog article entitled Six Reasons Why Women May Be Leaving Your Church. Although I am not particularly a fan of Dr. Rainer (due to his allowing materials from false teachers to be sold at LifeWay), I thought this article was a good one, and I agreed with several of the issues he raised, especially, that these issues need to be addressed by church leadership.
As a ministry wife and someone in the field of women’s ministry myself, I, too, have noticed women leaving the church. Not just women in general, but a certain subset of church-attending ladies: discerning women. While Scripture is pretty clear that we can expect women (and men) who are false converts to eventually fall away from the gathering of believers, why are godly, genuinely regenerated women who love Christ, His word, and His church, leaving their local churches?
While Scripture is pretty clear that we can expect false converts to eventually fall away, why are godly, genuinely regenerated women who love Christ, His word, and His church, leaving their local churches?
Discerning women don’t want to hear pastors twist God’s word. The Bible is not about us, our problems, and making all our hopes and dreams come true. We don’t want to hear seeker-driven or Word of Faith false doctrine. We don’t need self-improvement motivational speeches or a list of life tips to follow. We want to hear a pastor rightly handle God’s word from a trustworthy translation and simply exegete the text.
2. The worship hour has become a variety show
Skits, guest stars, movie clips, dance routines, rock concerts, elaborate sets, light shows, and smoke machines. We didn’t sign on for Saturday Night Live on Sunday. This is supposed to be church. Get rid of all that junk, turn the lights on, give us solid preaching, prayer, and some theologically sound songs we can actually sing, and maybe we’ll stick around.
We didn’t sign on for Saturday Night Live on Sunday. This is supposed to be church.
The Bible could not be more clear that women are not to be pastors, instruct men in the Scriptures, or hold authority over men in other capacities in the church. If your church has a female pastor, worship leader, or elders, or if women are teaching and leading men in Sunday school, small groups, or from the platform in the worship service, or if women are heading up certain committees, departments, or ministries which place them in improper authority over men, you’re disobeying Scripture, and we don’t want to help you do that by attending your church.
4. Children are being entertained, not trained
There’s nothing wrong with a bit of play time or crafts for younger children, but we want our children trained in the Scriptures, not entertained for a couple of hours. We want their teachers to open God’s word and read and explain it to them at a level they can understand. We want them memorizing verses, learning to pray, and demonstrating an age-appropriate comprehension of the gospel. We want them to understand that church is joyful, yet, serious, not a Jesus-laced party at Chuck E. Cheese. We need church to bolster the Scriptural training we’re giving our kids at home.
5. Women’s “Bible” Studies
The majority (and I don’t use that term flippantly) of churches holding women’s Bible studies are using materials written by Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer, Joyce Meyer, Lysa TerKeurst, Sarah Young, and others who teach unbiblical ideas and false doctrine. Not minor denominational differences of opinion. Not secondary and tertiary unimportant issues that can be overlooked. False doctrine. While we long to study God’s Word with other women, discerning women will not sacrifice sound doctrine nor the integrity of Scripture to do so.
While we long to study God’s Word with other women, discerning women will not sacrifice sound doctrine nor the integrity of Scripture to do so.
Is your church partnering with other “churches” whose orthodoxy and/or orthopraxy are at odds with Scripture? “Churches” which approve of homosexuality or female pastors, or which hold to an unbiblical soteriology (grace plus works, baptismal regeneration, Mary as co-redemptrix with Christ, etc.)? Are you partnering with those who deny the biblical Christ altogether such as Muslims, Jews, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Hindus, Mormons, or Buddhists? Discerning women know Scripture forbids yoking ourselves to unbelievers and we want no part of it.
7. Ageism
Look around at your pastor and staff, your lay leadership, your music team, the “face” of your church. How many of those people are over 40? Usually, discernment and spiritual maturity come through walking with the Lord over many years, yet, increasingly, by design, churches are run by twentysomething pastors, staff, and other leadership, who are often spiritually immature and/or lack the wisdom and life experience that come with age. The staff is often specifically structured this way in order to attract young people to the church. The counsel and wisdom mature, godly men and women have to offer is brushed off as old fashioned, and middle aged and older church members feel alienated and unwanted. While there are those among the twentysomething set who are godly and growing into maturity, discerning women value the wisdom and teaching of their godly elders.
8. The “troublemaker” label
Discerning women who see unbiblical things happening in their churches and stand up for what God’s Word says about biblical ecclesiology and teaching are often vilified and labeled as troublemakers. We are called haters, threats to unity, complainers, gossips, negative, and a myriad of other scornful names. All this for wanting things done according to Scripture. Can you blame us for shaking the dust off our high heels and leaving?
Discerning women are often vilified and labeled as troublemakers. Can you blame us for shaking the dust off our high heels and leaving?
Discerning women have little respect for, and find themselves unable to submit to the authority of pastors who see people in their churches acting overtly sinful or propagating false teaching yet are so afraid of confrontation that they will not set things right. By the same token, we cannot continue to attend a church in which we bring scriptural evidence of false teaching or sin to the pastor and he outright denies the biblical truth we present to him. We cannot be members of churches in which pastors will not submit to Scripture or carry out biblical mandates.
Frequently, the discerning women you see tearfully leaving your church have been there for years. Sometimes they leave your church because it was never doctrinally sound to begin with, and God has opened their eyes to this as they grow and mature in Christ. Sometimes they leave because false doctrine and unbiblical practices have crept in and taken over a church that was once a refuge of trustworthy biblical teaching. Either way, these things should not be.
Maybe it’s not that discerning women are leaving the church, but that the church is leaving them.
Maybe it’s not that discerning women are leaving the church, but that the church is leaving them.
