My wonderful conservative, seminary-trained pastor husband is in such a battle against evil forces in our church.

There are a few women members who are angry he doesn’t endorse their favorite false teacher, women preachers, or women teaching men. Another woman, who was actively involved in two previous church splits is stirring up division.

Praise God our church has attracted strong Christian men who have come alongside my husband, standing firm, supporting Biblical Truth. When does one know when it’s God’s testing or when He’s nudging to move us along? I don’t enjoy seeing my husband hurt. Do you have any advice?

I can definitely empathize with your situation. As I’ve mentioned in the past, my husband is a minister of music, and God has seen fit to send us to several…shall we say… “challenging” churches in the past. Most have been smaller churches in which the only staff members were my husband and the pastor, so my husband had more of a leading elder-type role than a minister of music in a larger church with several on-staff pastors might have.

We have also faced this dilemma of “We don’t want to give up just because it’s difficult, but maybe these difficulties are God’s way of telling us it’s time to shake the dust off our feet and move on to somewhere where we can be more biblically productive.” It can be a confusing situation to be in because you want to be pleasing to the Lord and serve His people, but the Bible speaks to both hanging in there through adversity and leaving people who refuse to be led as appropriate in various situations.

Like so many scenarios in life, there’s no “one size fits all” answer because every situation is different. But maybe we can look at a few basic principles that can help ministry wives (and even those whose husbands aren’t in the ministry) when church difficulties strike and you’re wondering whether or not to leave.

Take Off the Rose-Colored Glasses

If you’re new to being a ministry wife, you may have romanticized ideas of what it will be like. It’s no accident that God calls pastors “shepherds.” Shepherding is not like those pastoral landscape paintings you’ve seen where the shepherd is sitting under a stately, spreading tree on lush carpet of verdant grass by a babbling brook, happily petting a docile lamb. There are moments like that, but generally, shepherding is hard, hot, sweaty, often thankless, often underpaid, tireless labor. Sheep can be stubborn animals who have no idea where to go, what to do, or what’s best for them, and leading them is, at times, no picnic.

I don’t say this to discourage you, only to make sure that you’re going in to this thing with your eyes wide open. No pastor steps into the pulpit at a perfect, problem-free church. Every church has its issues. You need to be prepared for that, and you need to be prepared to roll up your sleeves and work, not run, the first time a problem comes up. The church isn’t there to serve you. You are there to serve the church.

Pray, Pray, Pray, and Don’t Jump Ship at the First Sign of Trouble

All of us should be praying for our churches daily, but we need to double down when problems arise. Pray for all those involved in the problem, including your husband.

We also need to initially approach problems with the desire to work through them and bring them to a point of biblical resolution. As a ministry wife, if you approach every problem that arises in the church with an attitude of despair, giving up, and wanting to leave the church, it’s going to discourage your husband. Now, not only does he have the problem itself to deal with, he has the added pressure of making his wife happy. Try to be part of the solution rather than an added problem.

Remember – and Be Thankful for – Your Position

When you’re a ministry wife, especially in a small church, it can feel like you and your husband are both in his ministry position. You’re probably helping him with various job-related tasks, you know all the problems and issues that are going on in the church, you talk together about possible solutions, you know about the big meeting that’s coming up, etc. It even comes out in the way we talk sometimes: “When we pastored ABC Church…” or “When we were on staff at XYZ Church…” (I finally realized I needed to be more careful about using that kind of wording so that people would not think I was a co-pastor!)

But, even though it can feel like you’re shouldering almost as big a load as your husband, you’re not. You’re not the pastor. You’re also not the husband. Be thankful for that because it’s one of the blessings of being a woman. You’re the helper. You do everything you can to help, support, and encourage your husband, but the burden and responsibility of making the decision whether to leave or stay is on his shoulders, not yours. Be grateful, and use that relief you feel to help you understand what enormous pressure your husband is under. He has to make the right and godly decision for the church, for his family, and for his career. That’s a heavy weight.

Not My Will, but Thy Will

Examine your own heart before attempting to help your husband. Do you really want what God wants in this situation, or do you want what you want? Will you be able to joyfully, peacefully, and contentedly stay at a church you want to leave or leave a church you want to stay at? Ask God to so delight your heart in Him that your desires will match His and that He will help you to pray rightly and act wisely and obediently.

Pray for Your Husband

Ask God to give him the biblical wisdom to make the right decision about staying or leaving. Pray that God will give him peace, strength, and comfort. Ask that He will bring the right Scriptures to your husband’s mind at just the right time. Ask God to make His will clear to your husband.

In one church my husband and I were on staff at :0) the situation was very 50/50 as to whether we should stay or go. We studied the Scriptures and found support for staying as well as for leaving. We really didn’t know what to do.

After much discussion and prayer, we decided we would stick with this church until God moved us. I began praying that if God wanted us to leave that He would make it impossible for us to stay. And a few months later, that’s exactly what happened. God orchestrated circumstances in such a way that it was impossible for us to stay at that church. It brought both of us a great deal of peace to know that we were not giving up just because it was difficult, but that God was answering prayer and moving us Himself.

Study Your Bible

In the situation I just described, my husband and I didn’t find overwhelming Scriptural evidence that made his decision a clear-cut one. That’s not always the case. Sometimes you will find clear biblical support for staying or for leaving.

Ask your husband if it would be helpful to him for you to search the Scriptures for passages that apply to the situation at your church. Be careful to rightly handle God’s Word in context, and discuss the passages objectively with your husband. Make sure you’re not twisting Scripture in an effort to sway your husband to do what you want him to do.

Be Your Husband’s Biggest Supporter and Encourager

Pray fervently for your husband, and let him know you’re praying for him. Affirm him by reminding him that you trust him, that he’s doing a good job, that you’re proud of him. When he’s under a lot of stress at church, do what you can to offer practical help, perhaps by running errands for him or taking over some of his household chores. Make sure he’s getting the amount of joyful physical intimacy he needs from you. Do what you can to make sure he’s eating right and getting the amount of rest he needs. Most of all, let him know you’re behind him and that you’ll support his decision about staying or leaving.

When we were trying to decide whether to stay at or leave the aforementioned church, one thing that helped take some of the pressure off my husband was that I told him, “If you decide we’re leaving, I’m ready to walk out that door. But if you decide we’re staying, I’m ready to stay and keep working.” Knowing he had my support either way helped him to be able to focus on what God wanted him to do rather than what I wanted him to do.

The decision to stay at or leave a difficult church is often tedious and stressful for pastors. It’s hard for us, as their wives, to watch them suffer at the hands of trouble-making people. Our position as helpmates is to do everything we can on our part to make things easier on them.

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Ministry, Throwback Thursday, Worship

Throwback Thursday ~ Real Ministers of Music’s Wives of Anychurch, U.S.A. ~ Part 2

July 30, 2015June 8, 2019 Michelle Lesley

Originally published April 10, 2014

I’ve been married to a minister of music for over 20 years. My husband has served at many different churches in a variety of capacities: on staff, interim, supply, revivals, conferences, retreats, etc. Over those 20+ years and in those various capacities, I’ve observed a number of things about him, pastors, church musicians, and congregations from a unique vantage point.

Now, with a little help and a lot of input from a few sister minister of music’s wives, it’s true confessions time. Time for us to tell all, here in Part 2 of Real Ministers of Music’s Wives of Anychurch, U.S.A.

You can read Part 1 here.

Turn Your Radio On, and Listen to the Music in The Air
The minister of music understands that there are songs we love to sing along with on KLOVE or Pandora that we’d also like to sing in church, and, in a lot of cases, he’d probably like to, too. There are a variety of reasons why the songs we like might not get sung in church:

It’s a solo. Most of the songs we hear on the radio (especially contemporary ones) are written and performed as solos, and don’t work for congregational singing because: the timing is difficult for a large group to follow, there are too many spontaneous riffs and change ups, there are complicated and/or numerous bridges and tags that are difficult for large groups to follow, etc. Not every song works for large group singing.

The lyrics contain faulty or watered down theology. The minister of music’s job is to lead us in worship. We can’t worship if we’re singing something that conflicts with God’s word or doesn’t focus on Him and His nature, character, and deeds.

The accompanists aren’t comfortable with it. A lot of the songs people want to sing in the worship service can be difficult for pianists and other instrumentalists whose main experience is in other genres of music. While every musician should strive to improve his skills, the minister of music doesn’t want to put his accompanists on the spot if they’re uncomfortable with the technical requirements of the music.

Your minister of music isn’t comfortable with it. If the minister of music is in his 60’s he may not feel he can carry off a top ten CCM song made popular by somebody in his 20’s, especially if he doesn’t have a worship band equal to the one we’re used to hearing on the radio.

There’s no sheet music available. Or it’s not available in the right key or for the right instruments, etc.

It’s “off limits”. Occasionally, and for various reasons, the pastor, elders, or others in leadership over the minister of music will make a decision that a certain song is not to be used in the worship service. Depending on the circumstances, there may not be a diplomatic way to explain this to people who love that song and want to sing it in church.

Play Us a Song, You’re the Piano Woman
Just by way of information, not every minister of music’s wife plays the piano. I’m one of them. Sorry. I wish I could.

One Singular Sensation
Regardless of how many pop stars got their start by singing in church, the purpose of the worship service is to worship God. There are many wonderful and talented soloists who, in humility and faithfulness, pour their hearts out to God in song at their local churches and do a great job of it. There are also a few divas on their way up the ladder looking for a stepping stone to greatness. Church isn’t American Idol. Find a karaoke bar.

Show a Little Bit of Love and Kindness
It’s always encouraging for a minister of music to hear that he did a great job with the choir or that you really worshiped this morning. It’s encouraging when a pastor mounts the platform for his sermon and says thank you, or I really liked that song, or refers back to/quotes one of the songs during his sermon. Little things like that go a long way, so offer your minister of music a word of encouragement when you can.

Also, if your church participates in clergy appreciation month (usually the month of October), please don’t forget your minister of music, youth pastor, associate pastor, etc. They all work hard to shepherd you, and it doesn’t feel good to be left out.

War- What is it Good For?
The worship wars (contemporary worship music vs. traditional hymns) are alive and well. Sometimes, rather than being a general in that war, our minister of music might just be a casualty of it.

Everybody has particular genres of music that we’re most comfortable with. When a different style comes along, it can be jarring. It can cause angst. It can cause arguments. But when we worship God, our focus is not to be on what makes us happy or comfortable. Often, we get so concerned about whether the worship at church pleases or offends us that we don’t stop to think about whether it pleases or offends God.

But that’s the main concern of the minister of music. Which songs, regardless of style, will be pleasing to the Lord and lead people into truth about Him? While he’s trying to do his best to sort this out week by week, he’s possibly being pulled in a variety of directions by a variety of people over style. How many people will leave the church if we sing more hymns than contemporary songs? How many people will stop giving in the offering if we sing more contemporary songs than hymns? Who’s going to accost me after church and complain? How will the pastor and elders react to this week’s order of service? It can be a lot of pressure and take his focus off of where it needs to be: what will be pleasing to God?

Just as one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, the songs we don’t like might just be someone else’s favorite. What if we looked at singing the songs we don’t particularly like as a way to serve and encourage our brothers and sisters in the congregation who do like those songs?

Why’s Everybody Always Pickin’ on Me?
There’s no nice, sweet way to say this, so I’m just gonna throw it out there. Church members can sometimes be mean. I mean, mean. Let me hasten to add that most of the time, most church members are not. The majority of church members are kind, loving, supportive, and definitely appreciated by the pastor and staff. However, the others are definitely out there. I have seen church members treat pastors, ministers of music, and other church staff the way I wouldn’t treat a dog. There’s no excuse for that.

The minister of music isn’t perfect. There may be times when he does something unbiblical or hurtful and at those times, it’s necessary for the appropriate person to talk with him, under the provisos of Matthew 18, about whatever is wrong. But there are other times when people get their feathers ruffled –even though the minister of music hasn’t done anything wrong or unbiblical—simply because their personal preferences haven’t been catered to.

It’s OK to talk with our ministers of music about things, even personal preferences, but let’s do it in an encouraging and helpful way rather than a griping or attacking way. Screaming, threatening, name calling, constant complaints, and nasty anonymous notes and emails are never appropriate, and if that’s what is transpiring, then the problem is not with the minister of music it’s with the person who’s acting that way. If we know that a member of our church is acting that way towards anyone, pastor, staff, or layperson, we must intervene and be a catalyst for making things right.

God calls us to encourage one another and build each other up, so let’s get at it! Let’s try to affirm our ministers of music (and pastors and other staff!) whenever we’re able!

What’s something you can do
to be an encouragement to your minister of music?

Ministry, Throwback Thursday, Worship

Throwback Thursday ~ Real Ministers of Music’s Wives of Anychurch, U.S.A. ~ Part 1

July 23, 2015July 22, 2015 Michelle Lesley

Originally published April 3, 2014

Now, with a little help and a lot of input from a few sister minister of music’s wives, it’s true confessions time. Time for us to tell all…

Sing, Sing a Song…
Singing is often the only opportunity church members have (besides the offering) to take an active role in worship. Let’s all take advantage of it!

The music portion of the worship service is just that: worship and service, but sometimes we can slip into thinking of it as “filler time” before the “main event” of the sermon. If we’re spending the music time chatting with our friends, checking Facebook on our phones, knitting, or clipping our nails (sadly, yes, I’ve seen all of those happen) aren’t we robbing God and ourselves of the precious few hours per week we set aside for worship? Is it fair to God to spend the time we’re supposed to be worshiping on these kinds of distractions? God commands our worship and God deserves our worship. So, let’s give God our full attention and worship Him!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T – find out what it means to your minister of music.
The minister of music doesn’t just roll out of bed on Sunday morning, jump up on the platform, and wave his arms around for thirty minutes. He works hard during the week to plan a worship service that honors God and grows and trains the congregation spiritually. He often does so amid a number of challenges: the varied talents of his accompanists, a hymn request by the pastor or a church member, bugs in the sound system, musicians going out of town, the choir soloist getting the flu. He rehearses with the instrumentalists, the praise team, the choir, and others. When he stands in front of us to lead the music, he deserves the same respect we give the pastor when he preaches or a teacher imparting knowledge or someone at work who’s making a presentation: our attention.

Someone To Watch Over Me
Singing in the choir or on the praise team kinda goes hand in hand with being a minister of music’s wife, so we’re often up on the platform near our husbands. I need to tell you a little secret:

We can see you out there.

It is incredibly encouraging to see people who are focused on Christ and engaged with Him as they’re worshiping. It’s obvious they’re communing with their Savior and thinking about Him as they sing. It makes the minister of music feel like he’s been successful in helping them connect with the Lord in worship.

On the other hand, it’s very discouraging to see people with their hands stuffed in their pockets, not singing, or, conversely, mindlessly rattling off lyrics, and with a countenance that says, “I’d rather be at the dentist.” I once saw a televised worship service where the congregation was singing the hymn, “All that Thrills My Soul is Jesus.” It would be difficult to describe just how unthrilled most of them looked. The word “corpses” comes to mind.

Jesus said to love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. When we engage all four of those areas in worship, we’re not just pleasing Him by our obedience, He’s growing us into stronger, more mature Believers. And that’s the best encouragement of all for our minister of music.

Where He Leads Me, I Will Follow
We minister of music’s wives are blessed that our husbands have, for the most part, worked under pastors who are supportive and set a great example for their congregations. Pastors, you have an enormous influence on your congregation even when you’re not aware of it. And one area in which you may not be aware that church members are watching and emulating you, even when we’re not aware of it, is during the music portion of the worship service.

Your congregation can see you during the worship time, whether you’re sitting on the stage or in a pew. What you convey with your own behavior about the importance of worship, we will absorb and reflect. If you are engaged and sing heartily to the Lord, we will get the message that you think God is worthy of all of our worship and we will follow suit. If you spend the worship time engaged in other activities, we will get the message that worship time is more like the coming attractions before a movie than a time to join in and commune with the Lord through what we sing.

Additionally, when your congregation is actively engaged in worship, it gets our hearts prepared to soak up the message you have for us in your sermon. So, when you’re worshiping with gusto, you’re not only setting a great example, you’re also getting people right where you want them: ready to drink in God’s word!

Part two of this article is on its way next week!

What are some things you appreciate about your
minister of music or worship leader?

Ministry, Worship

Real Ministers of Music’s Wives of Anychurch, U.S.A. ~ Part 2

April 10, 2014June 8, 2019 Michelle Lesley