My husband (he says he’s a Christian) wants me to watch pornographic videos with him to improve our sex life. Is this something God would be OK with? The Bible says I’m to submit to my husband. Should I submit to him and watch the videos? No. Nononononono. Just all the way around- no. Could I be any clearer? NO But perhaps I should expand on that just a bit. Let’s start with some Scriptures, shall we?

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4 “sexually immoral”: πόρνους (pornous)

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:27-28

For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. Matthew 15:19 “sexual immorality”: πορνεῖαι (porneiai)

Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. Romans 13:13

But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. 1 Corinthians 5:11

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, 1 Corinthians 6:9

But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Ephesians 5:3

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8

Viewing pornography is a sin. Period. There are no circumstances whatsoever under which it could be construed as biblically acceptable, and no Scriptures that even hint that it might be OK. (Notice above that our English word “pornography” comes from the same Greek root that is translated in these verses as “sexual immorality”.) When Scripture addresses sexual relations it always teaches, both explicitly and implicitly, that all sexual activity – what you do, what you think about, what you touch, what you look at, what you listen to – whatever you experience sexually is to be within the confines of the husband-wife relationship. The people you’re watching perform sex acts in pornography are not your spouse, so pornography is outside the Bible’s parameters for sex. Additionally, when you view pornography, you are not loving the people in that video the way Christ commands us to love others. Christ laid His life down to save us out of our sin, and we are to follow Him in that kind of self-denying, Great Commission love for others that calls them out of sin regardless of the cost to us. Christ would never have watched someone committing sexual sin for the gratification of His own flesh. It’s unthinkable that we who bear His name could do such a thing and see nothing wrong with it. No, you should absolutely NOT submit to your husband’s sinful request to view pornography. (If you are concerned he may become violent over your refusal, get somewhere safe.) There is a hierarchy of submission, and in that hierarchy, God and His word always come first. We obey Him before anyone else. As Peter and the apostles said, “We must obey God rather than men.” If you’ll notice in the 1 Corinthians 5:11 passage above, Paul instructs the church not to have anything to do with someone who claims to be a Christian, yet is guilty of sexual immorality. If God said the church shouldn’t even break bread with someone like that, how could He want you to join your husband in his sexual immorality? You are not sinning by refusing to submit to your husband in this, he is sinning against you by asking you to submit to this. The best way to handle this situation is outlined in 1 Peter 3:1-2:

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

and Matthew 5:16:

In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

Walk uprightly before your husband, graciously submitting to him whenever possible, and living in obedience to Christ. Be a godly witness to him in both word and deed. “How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband?” In addition to being a godly example to your husband, this is a situation that calls for pastoral counsel if your husband persists in this behavior without repenting. Ideally, the two of you should go in for counseling from your pastor together, but if your husband refuses, you still need to go without him. Since your husband claims to be a Christian (and I’m assuming if you both claim to be Christians you are active members of a local church), your pastor should also determine whether any formal church discipline should be imposed on your husband, and, if so, what that should entail (resigning leadership positions, meeting weekly with an elder for discipleship and counseling, etc.). This is not a punishment, but a restoration and reconciliation process, because your husband has not merely sinned against you as his wife, but also as his sister in Christ, and, therefore, against the church. Any husband who pressures his wife to watch pornography with him is not only revealing the sinful lust of his own heart, but is also sinning against his wife by urging her to commit sexual immorality, by dishonoring her, by failing to live with her in an understanding way, by putting her in the excruciating position of having to choose between submitting to and pleasing him and submitting to and pleasing the Lord, by failing to love her sacrificially as Christ loved the church, and by caring more about gratifying his own flesh than encouraging his wife’s holiness.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:25-28

I would caution any husband who can unrepentantly and unremorsefully sin against his wife in these ways to seriously examine his heart against Scripture to discover whether or not he is, in fact, saved. The Bible is quite clear that habitual, unrepentant sexual immorality is an indication that a person is not saved. For any husbands who have committed the sin of indulging in pornography or even pressuring your wife to watch it with you, I would encourage you to get alone with God and feel the weight of your sin against Him and against your wife. Think about the cross and how Christ suffered God’s wrath for your sin of sexual perversion. Feel guilty. Because you are guilty. And let that weight of guilt drive you to your knees in repentance, knowing that there is no sin so great – even this one – that God will not forgive it. Christ loves you. He wants to make you clean and set you free from slavery to pornography. 13559041_1293402180700713_6171936886458828507_o_kindlephoto-12071229

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My husband and I have been discussing this question, and he wanted to add the following thoughts, man to man, for husbands. Scott says: I am appalled that any man who calls himself a Christian could treat his wife in such a way. This is disgusting behavior that has no place in any man’s life, especially one who claims the name of Christ. This man is pressuring his wife to sin! I call on any husband sinning this way to be a real man, repent, and be the godly husband his wife needs. Men, we are called to lead our wives toward holiness, so we have to strive toward holiness in our own hearts, words, and actions. If we lead our wives toward sin, we are not leading them, or loving them, the way God wants us to. Think back to Ananias and Sapphira. Although it’s not the main point of their story, we can still learn from their marital example. We don’t know whose idea it was, originally, to hold back part of the money and lie about it, we just know that they were in agreement about it. If it was Ananias’ idea, he was setting a sinful example and leading his wife to sin (like the husband of the reader who wrote in). If it was Sapphira’s idea, Ananias still had the responsibility to love his wife enough and care enough about her holiness to put his foot down and say, “Absolutely not. We are not going to do this.” And what about Adam and Eve? If Adam had stepped in and biblically led his wife by saying, “No, we’re not eating that fruit,” and chasing that serpent away with his garden hoe, we wouldn’t be in the mess of sin we’re in today. God places an enormous responsibility on us as husbands to lead our families to be godly. I fail at this all the time, and I know the other Christian husbands reading this do, too. But God promises to give us the strength and the wisdom we need to lovingly lead our wives and children. And when we fail and turn to Him in repentance, He promises to forgive us.

Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work. So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. 2 Timothy 2:21-22

Additional Resources:

Is it a sin to watch pornography with my spouse? at Got Questions Hey, Porn Addict, Stop It by Pastor Gabe Hughes When We Understand the Text podcast episode 315 Q&A on repenting for pornography (beginning at 23:13) by Pastor Gabe Hughes Slaying the Lust Dragon by Todd Friel Finally Free by Todd Friel

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Christian women, Podcast Appearances

Echo Zoe Radio Podcast Interview

January 9, 2017October 11, 2017 Michelle Lesley

This week, I’ll be sharing a few of my favorite
articles from recent years. Enjoy!

Originally published May 10, 2016

Last week, I had the pleasure of sitting down and chatting with my friend Andy Olson as his guest on the Echo Zoe Radio podcast.

Click here to listen in

as we talk about women’s ministry, Bible study, discernment, and plenty of other great topics. And don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast and follow Echo Zoe on Facebook and Twitter!

The Ten (10 Commandments Bible Study)

The Ten: Lesson 7

December 21, 2016January 28, 2024 Michelle Lesley

Previous Lessons: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Exodus 20:12

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”

Exodus 21:15, 17

“Whoever strikes his father or his mother shall be put to death.”

“Whoever curses his father or his mother shall be put to death.”

Deuteronomy 21:18-21

“If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, ¹⁹then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, ²⁰and they shall say to the elders of his city, ‘This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.’ ²¹Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones. So you shall purge the evil from your midst, and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

Ephesians 6:1-3

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ²“Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), ³“that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”

Colossians 3:20

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

Mark 7:9-13

And [Jesus] said to [the scribes and Pharisees], “You have a fine way of rejecting the commandment of God in order to establish your tradition! ¹⁰For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘Whoever reviles father or mother must surely die.’ ¹¹But you say, ‘If a man tells his father or his mother, “Whatever you would have gained from me is Corban”’ (that is, given to God)— ¹²then you no longer permit him to do anything for his father or mother, ¹³thus making void the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And many such things you do.”

Luke 14:26-27

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. ²⁷Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.

Matthew 10:34-37

“Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. ³⁵For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. ³⁶And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household.³⁷Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

Questions to Consider:

1. Keeping in mind the context of the Ten Commandments passage (God was setting Israel apart as His own special people and establishing them as a nation.), why would it have been important for Israelites to honor their parents? In a practical sense, how would honoring one’s parents have promoted law and order and contributed to the stability of this tribal and patriarchal society? In a spiritual sense, how would honoring one’s parents have been a reminder and picture of honoring God as Father? How might the honoring of their parents have been a witness to the pagan nations surrounding Israel?

2. What does the second half (“that your days…”) of Exodus 20:12 mean? Which land is this verse referring to? Why would Israel’s “days be long” in this land if they honored their parents (hint: consider your answers from question 1).

3. Examine the Exodus 21 and Deuteronomy 21 passages. How do these passages describe the types of disobedience that are punishable by death? (15, 17, 20) How do these passages demonstrate the seriousness with which God views honoring one’s parents? Do you notice that these are some of the “thou shalt nots” of honoring parents compared with Exodus 20:12’s “thou shalt”? How do these passages point to the seriousness of, and eternal consequences for, dishonoring God the Father?

4. Compare the Ephesians and Colossians passages with Exodus 20:12. Is there a difference between “honoring” and “obeying” one’s parents? Do adult children still have to obey their parents? What about considering their wisdom and experience if parents strongly advise for or against something? Compare the reason Exodus 20:12 gives for honoring parents (“that…”) with the reasons Ephesians and Colossians give for obeying parents (“for…”). How do these reasons demonstrate that obedience to God is both for our good and for His glory?

5. The Exodus, Deuteronomy, Ephesians, Colossians, and Mark passages generally assume that both the parents and the child are God’s people/believers (OT- Israel, NT- church/believers). It should be easier for believing children to honor believing parents since the mindset of all should be to honor God, but what about honoring and obeying parents who are not believers? What about parents who are abusive or instruct a child to do something sinful? How could a believing child honoring and obeying unbelieving parents be a witness to them?

6. What lesson is Jesus trying to get across to the Pharisees in the Mark passage? (13) How does He use the fifth Commandment as an illustration of this point? Though it’s not the main point of this passage, what can you infer about Jesus’ thoughts about honoring one’s parents?

7. What do the Luke and Matthew passages say about the believer’s relationship with her parents? The Mark passage makes clear that Jesus wants us to honor our parents, but the Luke and Matthew passages say that believers will “hate” and be “against” their parents. Is this a contradiction, or are these passages addressing two different issues? How can Matthew 10:37 help us understand Luke 14:26? How do the Luke and Matthew passages emphasize the preeminence and priority of Christ in our lives and our affections?

8. Can you think of any Bible characters who were good examples of honoring their parents? How?

Homework:

Write your parents (or someone who is like a parent to you) a “letter of honor” this week, thanking them for the ways that they have blessed, encouraged, raised, and provided for you.

Or, think of another way to proactively honor your parents in a way that would be especially helpful or meaningful to them.

Uncategorized

A little light blog housekeeping…

December 18, 2016December 18, 2016 Michelle Lesley

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Christmas craziness is upon us, but the good news is that means a few precious days of rest are right around the corner for most of us. Consequently, my blogging schedule is going to be a little different for the next few weeks, and I have a few other “light housekeeping” items to address as well…

Next week’s (19th-23rd) content will be mostly favorite Christmas-themed articles from years gone by. For those of you who are participating in The Ten, no guarantees, but I’m going to do my absolute best to get a new lesson up on Wednesday (21st). After next week, I’ll be taking at least two weeks (possibly three) off, though a few pre-scheduled articles may pop up here and there during that time.

For the most part, I have not been able to get to e-mails and social media private messages since around Thanksgiving. I sincerely apologize that many of you have been waiting so long for a response. I haven’t forgotten about you and, while there have been two or three messages I’ve deleted because they didn’t fit my comment parameters, if your message was in compliance with those parameters, I still have it and will get to it just as soon as I can.

We have a lot of folks down here in south Louisiana who are still suffering from the devastating 1000 year flood we had back in August. Many will not be back in their own homes for Christmas. A few flood victims are still living in tents on their property with no electricity, running water, or sewage because they don’t have the money to repair their homes. Many churches are also in the process of rebuilding. I know it’s last minute, but if you or your church would like to send a Christmas offering to help, or would like to put a team of folks together to come down and work, please let me know. I personally know some trustworthy, godly people who are coordinating relief efforts that I could put you in touch with.

Finally, if this blog has been a blessing to you and you’d like to bless my family back, click on the “Financial Support” tab at the top of this page. As always, please make sure you’re meeting your own family’s needs, and giving to your own church, first.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Christmas, Church

“If You Skip Church on Christmas You’re Probably Not Even Saved” and Other Holiday Nonsense

December 16, 2016April 21, 2019 Michelle Lesley

church-on-christmas

It happened in 2011, and it’s happening again this year in good old 2016. Christmas Day falls on a Sunday- and the spiritual lumps of coal are being lobbed all over the internet: If you’re a Christian who’s even thinking about taking the day off from church attendance or your church has decided to cancel services that day…well, you’ve firmly ensconced yourself on God’s “naughty” list.

So I’m innocently cruising around on social media, podcasts, and the blogosphere recently when what to my wondering eyes should appear, aspersions galore from those I hold dear. Seriously, scads of doctrinally sound Christians I love and respect have said things like, “Church attendance on Christmas will separate the wheat from the chaff,” and, “If your church is canceling services (or even modifying the regular Sunday schedule) on Christmas, it’s time to find a new church.”

Did I read that right? Are theologically-grounded Christians really questioning people’s salvation and the spiritual health of churches based solely on a once-every-five-to-eleven-years Christmas Day worship service?

I honestly don’t think I’m biblically out of bounds when I say that’s absurd and judgmental and it needs to stop. Like, yesterday.

Yes, probably a lot of the churches who are canceling services on Christmas are theologically wonky, but that’s because, statistically speaking, the majority of churches out there, period, are theologically wonky. Too many people are post hoc ergo propter hoc–ing this situation. Just because there are bad churches that are canceling services doesn’t mean every church that cancels services is a bad church. What about the rural church of 20 members (that hasn’t had a visitor since the last century) who have all informed the pastor they’ll be out of town for Christmas? Is he supposed to show up and preach to an empty room? What about churches who have moved their services to Christmas Eve so members can spend time with family on Christmas without missing weekly worship? Is there a passage of Scripture I’m not familiar with that prohibits a church from doing this every once in a blue moon?

Yes, there are doctrinally unsound churches out there, but they’re doctrinally unsound because they consistently teach unsound doctrine as measured by applicable Scripture, not because they cancel a worship service or shift their normal schedule around for Christmas- an issue nowhere mentioned in Scripture.

As for judging people’s salvation (or love for Christ, love for the church, commitment, spiritual maturity, etc.) based on whether or not they attend church on Christmas- if you’re going to question a Christian’s salvation for skipping church that day, are you ready to pronounce a pagan saved if he shows up for services on Christmas Sunday?

Of course not. Because that’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.

The people who are using Christmas Day church attendance as a spiritual barometer would be the first to tell you – and rightly so – that going to church won’t save you. Neither will missing one service (or a dozen) “unsave” you. Salvation is determined only by whether or not you’ve repented of your sin and placed your faith in the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ to redeem you. And sanctification (spiritual growth) is a lifelong process – a trajectory – of becoming more and more Christlike through the years. Church attendance on Christmas isn’t a make or break for your salvation or sanctification.

Earlier this week in The Ten, we studied the fourth Commandment: “Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.” We discovered that, while God’s intention for the Israelites was simply to abstain from working at their jobs, housework, and commerce in order to rest and worship Him, the Pharisees later came along and added all kinds of micro-managing rules defining “work.” So by the time Jesus came on the scene, things like picking (“harvesting,” according to the Pharisees) and eating grain as you walked along, and performing miracles of healing were considered “work”- thus breaking the Sabbath. But these were man-made laws, not God’s law. It was oppressive and robbed people of the joy of worship God intended His people to bask in each week. “The Sabbath was made for man,” Jesus said, “Not man for the Sabbath.”

mark-2-27

I can’t help but wonder if these “Real Christians will be at church on Christmas Day,” pronouncements aren’t similar. God has made no law for Christians that we must be at church on Christmas Day – or any other particular day – or we’re sinning. And, as for the churches who once every several years cancel services or shift their Sunday service to Christmas Eve, God has made no law that churches must meet on Sunday every single week or they’re in sin. What God has said for New Testament Christians is:

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.
Hebrews 10:24-25

“Not neglecting to meet together.” Reminiscent of the paucity of Old Testament explanations of what constituted Sabbath work, God doesn’t give a definition of this phrase or quantify it with a specific number of allowable and acceptable missed Sundays per year. It is left to the conscience of each individual Christian and the agreement of each local body of believers (but I can scarcely believe that a person who is at church every week unless Providentially hindered and opts to skip the Christmas service is “neglecting” to meet with the body by any stretch of the word). But when we by-pass issues of individual conscience and church agreement, make a law where no law exists in Scripture, and judge people’s relationships with God based on our own man-made law, are we not doing exactly what the Pharisees did?

What’s of far more concern than where your body is on Sunday, December 25, is where your heart is the other 364 days of the year. Do you love the body of Christ? Are you committed to serving the Lord and your brothers and sisters all year long at the church you’re a member of? Do you faithfully attend worship each week? Then deciding to spend Christmas Sunday at home with your family (especially if you’ve already attended the Christmas Eve service the night before) is not an indication that you’re backsliding or somehow “less” of a Christian than those decrying your absence.

But what if you answered “no” to those questions? What if you skip church as many or more Sundays as you attend because you just don’t feel like going, or you signed your kid up for a soccer team that plays on Sundays, or there’s a ball game on TV, or you’d rather go shopping, or you go out of town on pleasure trips a lot of weekends? What if your general attitude toward church is, “Meh, I’ll go when I feel like it and have nothing better to do.”?

That is much more problematic than skipping church the years Christmas falls on a Sunday. That’s an indicator that you need to examine your heart to discover whether or not you’re in the faith. To love Christ is to love His bride, the church. People who are genuinely regenerated love the church. As a general rule, they want to be at church worshiping, serving, learning, growing, and fellowshipping with their brothers and sisters in Christ.

Why, between 2011 and 2016 haven’t I seen and heard these same folks who are judging Christians about Christmas church attendance speaking out equally as boldly, and in the same numbers, about people being sporadic in their attendance and uncommitted to the body the remaining Sundays of those years? As Christians, we celebrate Christ’s incarnation every Sunday, not just when Christmas falls on a Sunday. Are those other Sundays somehow less important?

One day, out of the thousands that comprise your life span, is inconsequential. The Bible does not say that simply staying home from church on Sunday, December 25, is a sin. What’s important is pursuing Christ, hungering for holiness, and loving and serving the church every day, not just when Christmas Sunday rolls around.