Mailbag

The Mailbag: How to Leave a Church

 

What is the biblical way to leave a church?

This is a great question that I’ve received from several readers. There are a lot of different circumstances that might cause someone to leave her church, and there are right ways and wrong ways to leave. I’ve been so grateful to hear from women who want to handle things biblically.

First, a couple of words of counsel that generally apply to nearly all situations when you’re considering leaving a church:

•In most circumstances, even bad ones, I would counsel against “ghosting” your church – simply disappearing with no explanation or goodbyes to anyone. When you’re preparing to leave, as appropriate to your particular situation, tell your pastor how much he has meant to you. Say a special goodbye to dear friends. Speak words of encouragement to your leaders and teachers. Search your heart for anyone you may have sinned against, repent, and apologize. Leave graciously.

•If you’re married, you and your husband will need to talk and pray together about whether or not to leave and how to do so. Be sure to remember that your husband is responsible for making the final decision and you are responsible for submitting to him.

Let’s talk about some of the more specific reasons you might have to leave a church, and what it would look like to leave well in each situation.

Death

If you’re a faithful member in good standing and you die unexpectedly, you’re off the hook. It’s OK to “ghost” your church. :0)

If you’re a faithful member in good standing and have a terminal illness, use some of your remaining time (if you’re able) to make a gracious exit. Take some time for special goodbyes. Discuss your funeral service and details with your pastor if applicable. Consider leaving a gift to your church in your will.

Moving or Temporarily Relocating

If you’re moving too far away to continue attending your church, let your pastor and those you’re close to at church know.

Do you know your new address and/or e-mail address? Provide it to the church office if you’d like them to keep sending you the church newsletter and any other mailings, and let them know if it’s OK to give that information out to other church members who would like to stay in touch. Make sure you have correct phone numbers and e-mail addresses for church friends you want to stay in contact with. If you’re not yet connected to a church in your new hometown, ask your pastor if he can suggest a good church in the area.

For those who are temporarily relocating (for example, college students or military families) and want to keep your membership in your home church, yet be active members of a church in your new location, find out if your new church has any sort of dual membership option (sometimes called “watchcare”). This allows you to maintain your membership in your home church while giving you membership benefits (voting, teaching, communion, or whatever your new church’s policies are) in your new church.

Switching from a good church to a church that’s a better fit for your family

Maybe the church you’ve been attending is a good one, but you’ve recently become more Reformed in your soteriology and you’d like to join another church in town that you more closely align with, theologically. Perhaps there’s a nearby church that has started offering programs and accommodations your disabled child could benefit from that your current church isn’t equipped to offer. Maybe, though doctrinally sound, your current church has switched to a genre of music that, even after giving it a good faith effort, still grates on you to the point of distracting you from worship, but another local church has music you’re more in harmony with.

None of these are reasons you absolutely have to leave a church. In fact, if your church is teaching sound doctrine, and the reason you’re considering leaving is a matter of preference or convenience, I would encourage you to try to work things out and stay at your current church if at all possible. It might be that God would have you start programs and accommodations for the disabled at your current church, or that He will begin to use the new music style in your life in some way. At the very least, when it comes to non-doctrinal issues like these, give it plenty of time, prayer, and serious thought before you leave.

Talk to your pastor (or appropriate elder) when you start thinking about leaving. This should not be an “If you don’t change X,Y, and Z, we’re outta here!” type of conversation. Be kind. Express your concerns or needs lovingly and biblically. Find out if there’s any information you need to know that would affect your thoughts about leaving. For example, maybe the pastor has also started becoming more Reformed and needs you to stay and support him as he begins transitioning the church in that direction. Maybe a lot of other church members have expressed discomfort with the new direction the worship music has taken and the leadership is considering changes that would make it easier for you to stay. You never know until you discuss it with your pastor.

If you come to the decision that you really need to move to another church, talk with your pastor again and let him know your decision. Take care of all of your church responsibilities before leaving: if you’re teaching a class with a definite end date, finish it. If you’re teaching a permanent class, let whoever is in charge of securing teachers know when you’ll be leaving so a new teacher can be found. Wrap up any projects or turn them over to the appropriate person. Resign any positions you hold. Don’t leave your brothers and sisters in the lurch.

When you say your goodbyes, it’s not necessary to disclose to everyone every detail of your reasons for leaving, but, if possible, try to stop any gossip before it starts by making sure people understand you’re not leaving because of someone else’s sin, unresolved conflict, false teaching, etc.

Leaving due to sin or false doctrine

The chairman of deacons is having an affair and nothing has been done about it. Your pastor just finished Bill Johnson’s book and is starting to teach New Apostolic Reformation false doctrine. Women have been preaching from time to time on Sunday mornings.

The most crucial time not to simply disappear from your church is when there’s sin or false doctrine in the camp. Jesus and the Apostles did not handle sin and false doctrine by avoiding it or ignoring it. They loved the people committing the sin and teaching the false doctrine enough to confront them – sometimes harshly, if needed – so that they might repent and be reconciled to Christ. We don’t run. We reconcile.

Just as God placed Esther in exactly the right position at the right time to help rescue His people, it could be that God has placed you in your church and given you a biblical understanding of the situation for such a time as this.

In cases of both sin and false doctrine, you should usually* follow the steps for church discipline outlined in Matthew 18:15-20:

1. If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. (15)

2. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. (16)

3. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. (17a)

4. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. (17b)

(*If you have knowledge that someone is imminently about to commit sin, especially if that sin will victimize someone else, and time is of the essence, gather the appropriate leaders and/or church members and intervene immediately. If a crime has been committed, alert law enforcement.)

In my article, The Mailbag: How should I approach my church leaders about a false teacher they’re introducing?, I’ve outlined some steps to take when approaching your pastor or lay leaders about using materials authored by false teachers. Most of this information can be adapted for dealing with issues of sin and church discipline as well.

If the sin or false teaching issue is resolved biblically, praise God, forgive, do whatever you’re able to do to be at peace with all involved, and stay at your church if at all possible.

If you have done everything you’re able to do to help bring about a biblical resolution to the situation and the sin or false doctrine is being allowed to continue, it’s probably time to leave and find a spiritually healthy church. Talk to your pastor or elders, and let them know you’ve decided to leave and why.

Attempt to leave as graciously as possible, taking care of your teaching/serving responsibilities, saying goodbye, making arrangements to stay in touch with friends, etc.

You will need to prayerfully consider the biblically appropriate way to explain to fellow church members and leadership why you’re leaving. Don’t slander people, make an unnecessary scene, or disclose inflammatory details indiscriminately on your way out, including on social media. However, it may be a situation in which those left behind need to know what’s going on so they can make an informed decision about how to address the situation or whether to stay or leave themselves. It may be appropriate to write out a calm, objective, scripturally annotated letter explaining your reasons for leaving, and mail or hand deliver copies of it to the appropriate people. You might need to talk to the denominational leadership board or organization that oversees your church. There are so many different possible scenarios it would be impossible for me to make a blanket statement as to what would or would not be biblically wise and appropriate in every single situation.

 

No matter your reasons for leaving your current church, your search for a new church to join with needs to begin as soon as you’ve made the decision to leave. If you need some help, ask your pastor or trusted Christian friends for suggestions of good churches, or explore the Searching for a new church? tab at the top of this page. Whatever you do, don’t succumb to the sin of staying out of church, because for the Christian, Church is Not Optional. And that’s Non-Negotiable.


If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

8 thoughts on “The Mailbag: How to Leave a Church”

  1. Thank you so much Michelle as this has been a weighty issue for me and my family. I left my church after being a member there for 9 years just recently. Unfortunately, when I joined there I did not research things as I should have and my husband was not a church attender at that point and was raised in Catholicism. He was not what I consider as scripture calls born again. It was apparent that the leadership structure did not have an issue with NAR teachings , Hill song, Bethel church and their pastors. Books were frequently recommended. The hierarchy of the church is set up that pastoral care is the primary responsibility of a small group leader. Those leaders can respectfully use any materials they so choose as long as they received confirmation from the pastor but those materials frequently included Joyce Meyer, Beth Moore and the like. Last, but not least my husband ended up becoming a member there and was baptized without a confirmation of his salvation. I met with our senior pastor probably 4 years ago about some of these issues. Although I prayed for change and spoke respectfully about the materials that were being used and referred and pointed to scripture, nothing changed and every Sunday became a constant conflict for me because I did not want to sing songs such as Reckless Love, or continued to be exposed to teaching that was not the full gospel. My husband and I discussed and although he did not completely understand he supported the decision to leave and I wrote a respectful letter addressed to my lead pastor and the campus pastor. We are now attending a reformed Presbyterian Church. I took your advice from a prior post and I did reach out to those that I had been closed to and told them we were leaving. I also did not slander the church in any way or gossip. The sad part is those that I considered my close friends, some have discontinued contact with me

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    1. I totally understand, Debbie. My family and I have had to leave a couple of churches under unfortunate circumstances as well. I’m so glad you’ve found a good solid church and I wish you well with your new church family. :0)

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Almost 4 years ago, my husband and I made the decision to leave a church and attend another church. The first church was a great church! The worship and preaching were biblically-based, and we found no issues with the doctrine. However, we were unable to establish relationships with other members and engage in Christian fellowship. No matter how hard we tried to talk to others and try to become friends, we found ourselves isolated. We attended the Sunday morning service and a Young Adults service, but then we’d leave right after because we’d have no one to talk to.

    Looking back at the situation, we did not tell anyone we were leaving, not even the pastor who officiated our wedding. We did not gossip about the church; we simply told others at our new church that we were unable to establish connections with people.

    At our current church, we immediately plugged into a Life Group, are serving in various ways, and I attend a Women’s Bible Study.

    Do you believe that lack of community and fellowship is an acceptable reason for leaving a church?

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    1. It could be, but I think in many cases it is not. I’m not saying that leaving your church was necessarily wrong, since I don’t know the whole situation, but if anyone wrote to me saying, “I can’t make friends in my church,” I think I would encourage them to remember that this could be the precise reason God has placed them in that church- to help solve this problem.

      I would encourage folks in similar situations to talk to their pastor about it. See if he has any advice on how to handle the situation. Perhaps other couples in the church have expressed the same difficulty to him and he could introduce those couples so they could fellowship together. Maybe the pastor would want to teach a series on the importance of fellowship. Maybe the pastor would try to schedule some fun church-wide fellowship events so people could get to know each other better.

      There are small group fellowships that can help, as well. I was in one church years ago that had a fellowship program called “Supper 8”. Everyone who wanted to participate put their names in a hat. Three couples’ (this was mostly a couples thing but this was in a college town, so I’m sure college students and singles were included) names were drawn at random. For 6 months (I think) those three couples would get together once a month for supper and would invite another couple (new couple in the church, co-workers, neighbors, etc. – that additional couple is where the “8” in “Supper 8” came from). At the end of 6 months, everybody’s names went back into the hat and new groups were drawn. It was a great way for church members to get to know each other better.

      But even if the pastor doesn’t take the lead on this issue, I would still encourage the couple writing me to make the effort – many efforts – to invite others to lunch after church, host a barbecue and invite other church members over, put together a church picnic, organize a bowling night, set up a ladies’ night out, etc., before deciding it’s time to move to a new church. (I’m sure you and your husband probably tried very hard, but sometimes people write to me about something like this and they have the attitude that it’s everybody else’s responsibility but theirs, and they haven’t even tried to reach out to others.)

      Oh, and one more thing. It’s situations like this that cause me to caution people against joining a church too quickly. Visit for a few months before deciding whether or not to join. That should give you enough time to see whether or not you’ll be able to make friends, figure out where the church is on doctrine, if there are any major problems, etc.

      Anyway, that’s probably how I would counsel anyone in that situation who asked me. This article might help, too: All Word and No Play: The Importance of Fun and Fellowship in the Doctrinally Sound Church

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  3. I so appreciate your blog. You put into words what I can’t. I’m not that gifted. lol That being said, I fall into the “moved into the more reformed soteriology” section of this post and I am so glad you said what you did about the music. I love our church and the people in it are my family. I still cringe at the music choices and I do pray that the Lord will open their eyes. I do not want to leave based solely on that. I do teach a ladies’ Sunday school class and I am so grateful to be able to teach them truth. I was talking to one younger woman in my class and she asked what I had decided to teach next quarter. I told her that one had suggested we go through one of the gospels. She then asked, “What are the gospels?” I am still amazed that my jaw did not visibly drop open. I just proceeded to say, “Matthew, Mark, Luke and John” as if I were saying “hey how are you?” and kept going. They have so much to learn and it thrills me to share it with them.

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  4. I’ve ghosted places several times.. but I also live in a state where no one would even notice you were missing. Like honesty I only had 1 person ever say “oh i haven’t seen you in a while.” Each time I left it was because false doctrine was being preached or promoted. I don’t think you need to talk to a pastor when its clear they are too far gone. You just need to get out of there.

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    1. I respectfully disagree, Jaeson. If you recognize that false teaching is going on, God may have put you in that church to speak a word of warning (similar to the way the OT prophets warned Israel) to that pastor, even if it’s on your way out. We aren’t able to see into the hearts of others to know for certain whether or not they’re too far gone. It could be that a word of warning from someone who’s leaving might just be what God uses to draw that pastor to repentance.

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