Tag: Share the Gospel

Mailbag

The Mailbag: Is “Jesus loves you” enough of the gospel?

Michelle Lesley

Originally published April 16, 2018

I work in a parachurch organization in which I teach children. I have a passion for these kids to know God and know His Word. My direct supervisor, as well as the head of the organization, want to only emphasize God’s love and that we are ALL children of God. I am wrestling with this because I just don’t believe that I should make saying “Jesus loves you” the main message to the kids but rather the gospel in full context (of course getting down to their level but in no way changing the message). What should I do?

It’s always great to hear from someone who’s working with children and wants to put correct theology on the bottom shelf where their little hands can reach it. Thank you for serving God’s Kingdom this way!

There are three issues I think are important to address in this situation. Let’s take a look…

We are NOT “all” God’s children.
All humans are indeed made in the imago dei – the image of God. That’s definitely an important aspect of theology to teach children, and if that’s what your supervisors actually mean when they say “we’re all God’s children,” that’s super. But they need to use correct, biblical language and say “We’re all made in the image of God,” (age-appropriately explaining what that means, of course) instead of saying “We’re all God’s children.”

It’s not just a quibble over semantics. There are two very important reasons to get this right.

First, it’s simply not true on its face and you don’t want to be teaching the children a lie. I mean, Jesus once told some Jews (aka: God’s set apart people group) He was talking to, “If God were your Father, you would love me…You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires.” So, obviously, people fall into one of two categories: you’re either a child of God or you’re a child of the devil. Just as a person has to be physically born into a family, or adopted into a certain family, in order for that particular mom and dad to be her parents and for her to be their daughter, “you must be born again,” – a spiritual birth (and adoption) – must take place in order for God to be your Father and you to be His child.

Second, saying “We’re all God’s children,” smacks of universalism. Universalism is basically the idea that everybody goes to Heaven when they die. No repentance is necessary, no belief in Christ, it doesn’t matter what religion you are, if any. If this is what your supervisors are teaching or wanting you to teach, I would encourage you to find employment elsewhere. This is blasphemous false doctrine that no Christian organization or its employees should be teaching.

Teaching the WHOLE gospel
“Jesus loves you” is part of the gospel, and one that we need to make sure we’re including any time we share the gospel with others. It is only because of the amazing, unfathomable love of God that Christ came to earth to die in the first place. Without the love of God there would be no gospel at all. However, it is not the entirety of the gospel. The gospel also includes the components of sin, repentance, faith, and forgiveness.

Since this is a Christian organization you work for, I’m unclear on why (assuming they’re not universalists) your supervisors would not want the whole gospel taught to the children. Only three possible reasons come to mind:

1. They’re concerned that the children are too young to understand sin, repentance, faith, and forgiveness.
You didn’t mention the specific age of the children you’re working with, but I got the impression from your original message to me that they are elementary school aged. I have six children of my own and have taught every age level of children from birth through high school in church, parachurch, and school settings for most of my adult life, and I can tell you that elementary school aged children are perfectly capable of grasping these concepts when they’re explained at an age-appropriate level.

I would think anyone qualified to be in a supervisory capacity at an organization like yours would – as an experienced professional – know that children this age can intellectually handle these concepts, and would – as a Christian – want them to know the whole gospel so they can be saved and take the gospel home to their families.

2. They’re concerned anything more than a generic “Jesus loves you,” is going to offend some of the parents.
Tough. The gospel is offensive to sinners. They need to get over that fear of man right quick. And it’s not like the parents were tricked into putting their kids into a program they didn’t know was Christian, right? (By the way, this is not the tone I’d recommend using when speaking to your supervisors :0)

3. You’re spending too much of your time evangelizing the kids instead of teaching them the main topic(s) they’re there to learn.
That’s not the impression of you that I got from your original message, but just make sure that, if, for example, you were hired to teach the kids how to play kickball, you’re teaching them how to play kickball, not turning every practice session into a Bible study.

Honestly, I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around why any organization that openly bills itself as “Christian” would only want part of the gospel presented. I would suggest sitting down with your supervisors and asking them politely why they don’t want the whole gospel presented to the children at appropriate times in age-appropriate ways. Perhaps they have a good, biblical reason for it, but I’m at a loss to imagine what it is.

Submitting to authority
Submission to authority is a big theme in the New Testament. Christians submit to God’s authority, wives submit to our husbands’ authority, church members submit to the authority of their pastors and elders, as citizens we submit to our civil authorities, and, in the present day, we understand the passages about slaves submitting to their masters in light of the employee/employer relationship.

In God’s structure of authority, He is always at the top. So if any other authority in your life – husband, boss, government, pastor, etc. – wants you to do something that conflicts with God’s written Word, your response must be the same as Peter’s: “I must obey God rather than men.”

I’m still unclear as to whether or not your employers are asking you to do something that conflicts with God’s Word. After talking it over with them, praying about it, talking to your husband about it (if you’re married), and possibly seeking counsel from your pastor or a mature sister in Christ at your church, if you come to the conclusion that your supervisors are not asking you to disobey God’s Word, then the proper godly response is for you to submit to their authority and joyfully do as they ask. If you come to the conclusion that they are asking you to disobey God’s Word, prayerfully ask to meet with them again, and kindly, with Scripture, explain to them that you cannot in good conscience truncate the gospel. Perhaps God will open their eyes and they will change their policy. If not, it might be an appropriate time to tender your two week’s notice.

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Mailbag, Marriage

The Mailbag: Can I share the gospel with my unsaved husband?

Michelle Lesley

Originally published July 9, 2018

I was brought up to believe that women win their unsaved spouses by actions, not words, because of dissension in the the home and that sort of thing. Would love your thoughts.

One of the most difficult and stressful situations a Christian woman can walk through is being married to someone who is not saved. Sometimes this happens because husband and wife are both unsaved when they get married and the wife gets saved later. Sometimes it happens because the wife (and sometimes the husband, too) think the husband is saved and it later becomes obvious that he is a false convert. And sometimes what happens is that a spiritually immature Christian woman goes into marriage knowing her husband isn’t saved, and she either doesn’t care or she thinks she’ll change him right away.

Single ladies, please take heed and take this to heart: know your man well, spiritually, before you get married. While it’s impossible to know with 100% certainty whether or not another person is saved, do your best. Make sure this is a man who can be the spiritual leader of your home – a man who will make wise and godly decisions, who intends to parent biblically, who is able and eager to lead your family in Bible study and prayer, and who is committed to faithfully attending and serving the local church. Many women who went into marriage thinking these things would somehow take care of themselves can tell you from sad experience that the issues you and your husband have before marriage will only get worse after marriage.

That’s the best way to answer the reader’s question: prophylaxis. Prevent the problem before it happens.

That said, God is the One who decides when you get saved, and if you and your husband weren’t saved when you got married, but you are now, praise God for that! What a wonderful thing that He saved you and that He has placed a 24/7 witness to the gospel in your husband’s life!

If you ever feel alone in having an unsaved husband, take comfort and think about all the ladies in the first century when Christianity was brand new. Many, if not most, Christian women were in your situation. They worried and agonized over their husbands’ salvation just like you do. In fact, it was such a common situation in the early church that Paul and Peter each dedicated part of their writings to instructing and encouraging wives about walking out their faith in a marriage to an unsaved husband:

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. 1 Peter 3:1-6

 

If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy…For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? 1 Corinthians 7:13-14,16

I believe the reader’s question focuses in on 1 Peter 3:1:

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

If we isolate this verse from its immediate context of surrounding verses, the context of the book of 1 Peter, and the context of the New Testament, it seems to say that a wife can win her husband to Christ simply by her Christlike behavior with no need to ever open her mouth and share the gospel with him. However, if we take a step back and even just think about it logically for a minute, we know that can’t be what this verse is saying.

Think about how you came to saving faith. Did you get saved exclusively by watching someone act humbly, patiently, lovingly, etc.? Or did someone explain to you that you were a sinner in need of repentance, that Christ paid the penalty for your sin on the cross, that He rose again on the third day, and that if you placed your faith in Him, He would cleanse and forgive you and give you eternal life? Those are things you can’t get just by watching someone behave kindly and lovingly. They have to be explained by a friend, a sermon, a tract, the Bible, or some other use of words. (This is what’s problematic with the old cliché “Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary.” Words are always necessary for explaining the gospel.)

Next, let’s think about the context of the New Testament at large as well as 1 Peter. Can you think of any instances in which Christians are told to share the gospel with anybody simply by modeling good behavior? No. The iconic evangelism passage, the Great Commission, tells us to “make disciples…teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.” You have to talk to people, and maybe even use books or other written materials – with words – in order to teach and disciple. The theme of 1 Peter itself is largely, “Walk in holiness, a) because it’s the godly thing to do, and b) because it could open a door for you to share the gospel with others.” Peter never suggests that godly behavior is the stopping point of evangelism, only the starting point.

Another great example is the account of Philip and the Ethiopian eunuch. The Ethiopian eunuch was actually reading a gospel passage from the Bible, when Philip arrived on the scene. “Do you understand what you’re reading?” Philip asked. “How can I unless someone explains it to me?” he answered. At that point, Philip did not put on a little skit of good works for the Ethiopian to watch, he climbed into the chariot beside him and explained the gospel from Scripture.

The 1 Corinthians 7 passage adds clarity as well, indicating that God has essentially placed a saved wife and mother in her family to be a missionary to her husband and children.

Now let’s think about this verse in the context of 1 Peter 3:1-6. If you look at those six verses as a set, what is the main idea of the passage? It’s not witnessing, it’s being winsome. Through Peter’s pen, the Holy Spirit is helping women to see that godly behavior sets a gorgeous table from which the main dish of the gospel can be appetizingly served. Don’t be confused – it’s not about dressing like a supermodel dripping with jewels; that’s not what’s going to have the most profound impact on a husband’s heart – it’s about being beautiful from the inside out. Your character, your demeanor, your submission and self-sacrifice, “a gentle and quiet spirit.” That’s the focus of this passage – laying the foundation – so that when an opening presents itself to share Christ with your husband, the gospel is adorned with your grace and godliness instead of your behavior and attitude being an impediment to his receiving the good news.

The primary characteristic of having a “gentle and quiet spirit” is trusting God. And that plays into this passage too, because the scariest and weightiest thing you’re going to have to trust God with is your husband’s salvation. God has to save your husband in His good time just like He saved you in His good time. You cannot convince, lecture, or nag him into the kingdom of God, even though it will be tempting to try because you want it so badly.

That’s another application of this passage that can be very comforting and helpful. Maybe when you first got saved, you were so eager for your husband to know Christ that you harped at him constantly about it. You overwhelmed him with the gospel to the point that he said, “Please stop talking to me about that.” This passage in 1 Peter reassures you that it’s OK to back off. You’ve shared the gospel with your husband. He’s heard it. Until or unless a moment comes when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Holy Spirit is intensely working on your husband’s heart, he’s “ripe for the picking,” and he needs you to pray with him or explain the gospel again, your job is over. It’s the Holy Spirit’s turn. Stand aside and don’t get in the way of the work He’s doing through the gospel seed you’ve planted, your prayers for your husband, and your godly behavior.

God can save your husband even if you’ve messed up and said the wrong thing. God can save your husband even if you don’t say that “one more thing” you think will push him over the edge of salvation. Yes, share the gospel with your husband, but realize that God does not place the burden of saving your husband on your shoulders. Only Christ is strong enough to bear that burden. Rest in that, trust Him, and walk obediently. You are not responsible for saving your husband. God is.

“But what about the Bible’s prohibition against women teaching men?” some readers might be wondering. “Wouldn’t that preclude women from sharing the gospel with their unsaved husbands? And is it OK for Christian women to share something biblical or theological they’ve learned with their Christian husbands?”

This question refers to the prohibition in 1 Timothy 2:11-3:7 against women pastoring, preaching, instructing men in the Scriptures, and holding authority over men in the gathered body of the church. A private discussion at home between you and your husband is not the gathering of the church, so this passage does not apply. I’ve answered this question in more detail in this article (second question) and this article (second question).

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Evangelism, Mailbag, Salvation

The Mailbag: Saved by the “Sinner’s Prayer”?

Michelle Lesley

The Sinner’s Prayer. I repeated that many years ago. I’ve also led others in that prayer as well. It was ingrained in me so long ago that it was the thing to do. Now, I see that it is not right. I read your article about What Must I Do to Be Saved? I am really turned upside down right now, not knowing if I am truly saved! Yes, I have repented of my sins and asked for forgiveness, as part of a sinner’s prayer, because I believe in a triune God. I believe that Jesus walked this earth as fully God and fully man. I know that God is always in control of all things at all times. I believe that the Bible is the inerrant word of God. I say I trust in God for all my needs, but do I really? I pray, but still worry. Please help me! I don’t want to be told, “Depart from Me, I never knew you.“

I am so sorry you’re going through such anguish about this. You’re not alone – most genuine Christians, including yours truly, have moments when they wonder, and even agonize over, whether or not they’re genuinely saved.

I think the part of my gospel presentation page that caught your attention was this paragraph under the section heading, “What are some of those false gospels?”:

If, at some point in your life you repeated the words of a “sinner’s prayer,” “accepted Jesus,” or “asked Jesus into your heart,” (even if you didn’t know what you were doing, and without true repentance and faith) you’ve been born again.

I’ve highlighted the key words and phrases we need to take a look at, because I think you may have misunderstood what I meant in this paragraph. The term “sinner’s prayer,” used in evangelical common parlance has a specific meaning. It does not mean “any sinner praying any prayer that leads to salvation”. We are all sinners. We all have to talk to God (prayer) to tell Him we repent of our sins and wish to place our faith in Christ. If all such prayers were wrong, none of us would be saved.

Typically, what evangelicals mean when we use the term “sinner’s prayer” is an altar call type of scenario following a sermon at church, a Christian camp, concert, rally, revival, etc., where someone is attempting to get attendees to “make a decision for Christ”. Often – with heartstring-tugging music in the background – whoever is leading the altar call time will say something to the effect of, “I’d like every head bowed and every eye closed. If you’re here today, and you want Jesus to save you and take you to Heaven when you die, raise your hand. … I see that hand. Thank you, sir, I see your hand. … Now, if you just raised your hand, repeat this prayer -either out loud or in your heart- to God: Lord, I admit that I’m a sinner (Lord, I admit that I’m a sinner.)…” And it goes on from there with the leader leading these people phrase by phrase through a prayer of (hopefully biblical) confession, repentance, and faith in Christ. Sometimes he’ll even say something like, “Repeating the words of this prayer won’t save you unless you really mean it in your heart.” When he’s finished he will usually say something like, “If you just prayed that prayer, you’re saved! Welcome to the family of God.”

A fairly typical altar call and sinner’s prayer.
(If you don’t have a lot of time, you can fast forward through the song. It’s around 1:17-5:39.)
(There are some biblical issues with the prayer, but there are far greater problems with the church and its pastors, and it’s not one I’d recommend.)

That’s what evangelicals mean when they say “sinner’s prayer”. The wording and order of the altar call and the prayer itself can vary greatly, from the completely biblical all the way to the blasphemously heretical, and it can be done in a corporate setting or one on one, but this is the gist of it.

But you need to understand why, in recent years (and on my gospel presentation page) there’s been pushback against this kind of scenario.

It creates false converts.

Granted, God has used this formula to create true converts as well, but the numbers of false converts (people who think they’re saved, but have never been genuinely born again) this little exercise has created are overwhelming. Why? Generally speaking1…

◇The foundational reason the sinner’s prayer scenario creates false converts is that it’s pragmatic Finneyism, an “always be closing” technique designed to seal the deal. It’s more concerned with getting people to say they’ve been saved than whether or not they actually are saved.

◇Many (not all) of the churches that use this technique are not doctrinally sound to begin with, so the “sinner’s prayer” they have people repeat is based on a false gospel. Usually, the more doctrinally sound a church or Christian organization is, the less likely it is to employ an altar call and sinner’s prayer.

◇The sinner’s prayer is often used on children. It is a standard feature of most Vacation Bible Schools, and many Sunday Schools, children’s church services, and other evangelical children’s events. Tragically, many a five year old who has raised his hand and repeated the prayer has been pronounced “saved,” and toddled through the waters of baptism, even though he had no idea what he was doing. The vast majority of young children lack the intellectual capacity to understand abstract concepts like sin, guilt, repentance, substitutionary atonement, faith, and eternity. But a 30 year old – who shows every sign of being lost as a goose in a hailstorm – will point back to that moment of ignorance when he was five, put his faith in the fact that he prayed a prayer, he walked the aisle and made a profession of faith, and he decided to be baptized (perhaps not even retaining memories of these things) and declare himself to be a Christian. And many a mother of such wayward adult children will comfort herself with this “decision” her child made. “He’s just backslidden, but he prayed the prayer, so I’m sure he’ll go to Heaven when he dies.”.

◇Even teens and adults can repeat a prayer without really understanding (possibly because they haven’t actually been told) the biblical gospel and without truly repenting of their sin. But they think they’re saved because they did something with Jesus’ name attached to it. They place their faith in the action they took – that they prayed a prayer – rather than placing their faith in the One they were (ostensibly) praying to. Their faith is in what they did rather than what Jesus did for them.

And how do we know the sinner’s prayer creates so many false converts? We see it when those false converts get genuinely saved and tell us, “I said a sinner’s prayer, but I wasn’t saved,” and we see it in the rotten fruit of the lives of professing Christians who parroted some sort of sinner’s prayer and went right on sinning, or eventually turned back to living in sin.

That’s where the rubber meets the road of whether or not you were genuinely saved by praying a “sinner’s prayer”. We all continue to sin. None of us will ever be perfect, but look back over the years since you prayed that prayer. Have you grown in your love for Christ? In your knowledge of and obedience to His Word? In your love for, and service to the church? Are you increasingly exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit? Do you pursue holiness? Wisdom? Are you sharing the gospel with the lost and discipling the saved? Are you on a general trajectory of becoming more like Christ because you love Him and you want to be like Him?

These are the sorts of things you can look to for reassurance that you’re saved, not that you once repeated a prayer, despite the fact that you now live like a rank pagan. Going back to the words in red in the quote above, what I was trying to say2 is, nobody gets saved by merely rattling off the words of a prayer. You must understand the biblical gospel, repent of your sin, and place your faith in Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection to save you.

Just a couple of lines down on that same page, I said this…

The Bible says we should examine ourselves to discover whether or not we are truly in the faith. Take some quiet, undistracted time alone with God today and search your heart. What do you really believe? Is it the true gospel of Scripture, or something else? Don’t put it off, it’s too important. If you need some help, try working through my study Am I Really Saved? A 1 John Check-Up.

The book of 1 John is an incredibly helpful measuring stick to assist you in determining whether or not you’re genuinely saved. I would encourage you (and anyone else reading this who struggles with assurance) to either study 1 John in depth on your own, making note of what is and isn’t true of genuine Christians, or use my study linked above to help you work through this amazing epistle.

Additionally, when working through an issue like this, it’s always best to set up an appointment with your (doctrinally sound) pastor for counsel.

1Please understand that there are churches all over the spectrum of sound/false doctrine who use this method, so these points may or may not apply to every church that uses altar calls and/or a repeated “sinner’s prayer”.

2After considering this sister’s confusion and re-reading the paragraph multiple times, I decided I needed to clarify the wording a bit.

Additional Resources:

A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing: How Charles Finney’s Theology Ravaged the Evangelical Movement by Phil Johnson

Altar Calls and the Sinner’s Prayer? | WWUTT | June 10, 2015

Should we lead someone in “the sinner’s prayer”? | Wretched | November 7, 2014

Altar Calls: Emotional Manipulation or True Conversion? (with Costi Hinn and Steve Lawson) | For the Gospel | October 6, 2023

You’ll Stop Using the Sinner’s Prayer After Watching This | Living Waters | August 16, 2021

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Evangelism, Faith

Throwback Thursday ~ In Your Dreams

Michelle Lesley

Originally published July 20, 2015

Photo credit

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you.

If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do.

Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret longing

Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star
Your dream comes true1

If you used to be a Disney fan, you’ll recognize those words as the lyrics to the song When You Wish Upon a Star from the movie Pinocchio. It’s a sweet little song that tugs at our hearts. After all, we all want a fairy to wave her wand and make the wishes of our hearts come true, right? “God wants to help you realize all your hopes and dreams,” is the mantra of pop Christianity. But is it biblical?

Moses dreamed of leading Israel into the Promised Land.

David dreamed of building the temple.

Hosea dreamed of marrying the girl next door and having children with normal names.

Amos dreamed of being a fig farmer and a flock follower.

Paul dreamed of snuffing out Christianity.

Stephen dreamed of living to preach the gospel.

Jude dreamed of writing about the gospel.

Nope, not one of those dreams – some of them much more godly than your dreams or mine – came true. Why? Because our dreams don’t always fit with what God wants to do. Because God isn’t someone whose sole function is to help us get what we want out of life.

God is for God. God is about His glory. And what brings Him the most glory is redeeming wretched sinners from the gaping maw of hell and making them look like Jesus. And, as His children, we have the unbelievable privilege of participating in that mission.

So, church, let’s leave the Blue Fairy and Genie to Pinocchio and Aladdin. More money, fame, impact, and power is but a petty vision. We were created for the earth-shattering honor of dying to ourselves, clothing ourselves with humility, and serving the King by serving our families, our neighbors, everyone we know, His way, in the hope that we might win them to Christ for His glory.

To dream of anything else is, for the slave of Christ, to aim too low. So dream high, and dream on.

1 “When You Wish Upon a Star,” copyright 1940 by Bourne, Co., NY.

Mailbag

The Mailbag: What’s In a Name?

Michelle Lesley

Originally published July 22, 2019

How should my child and I refer to a child who is transitioning (girl to boy)? This is not a child with whom we are close. She is the granddaughter of a neighbor and visits them once or twice a year. Because she and my daughter are near the same age (tweens), they spend time together while she is visiting. 

She recently arrived for a visit and informed my daughter that she is transitioning and wants to be called Brandon* instead of Shannon from now on. She now dresses like a boy and has a male-looking haircut.

I have already talked to my daughter about the biblical issues at play and have explained that we need to be loving and kind to her friend, but also not cooperate with her delusion of becoming a boy.

I don’t want to use the pronoun “he” to refer to this child because it is not biologically possible and it is sinful to try to change the gender God gave you. But what about her transition name (Brandon)? People change their names and I don’t think that’s sinful. But to change it for the purpose of denying your God-given gender would be.

Would you call her by her given name or her new name?
*Names changed

This is such a heartbreaking situation, and it’s happening way too often. So called “gender reassignment” is physically, psychologically, and spiritually abusive. Children in sexual identity sin need loving, kind, supportive, biblical help, not for someone, especially their parents who are supposed to protect them and do what’s best for them, to enable them in their dysfunction.

You didn’t ask about this, and you might already be doing it, but could I suggest two things before we get into the names and pronouns? Pray fervently for this child. Pray by yourself, with your daughter, with your whole family. Pray for her parents and grandparents. Pray for opportunities to share the gospel with all of them. This child is in for a very painful life, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

In addition to loving her and sharing the gospel with her, try to do little things that will subtly continue to keep Jesus in front of her eyes whenever she’s with your family: say the blessing before meals, invite her to go with you to the church picnic or youth activities at church, do a mother-daughter Bible study every morning and ask her if she’d like to join you and your daughter. Don’t beat her over the head with these things or stop doing things with her that she would consider “normal” (going for a swim or out to get hamburgers), but try little avenues like this for introducing her to Christ.

Now as far as calling this little girl “Brandon” and using male pronouns for her, I would probably land very close to where you are on the issue. The way we use and understand language as human beings is very impactful, which is precisely why we’re starting to see people getting fired from their jobs for refusing to use male pronouns for women who think they’re men, and vice versa. Changing the language changes the tide of the movement. Once the people pushing this agenda get the language changed, changing laws, hearts, and attitudes is much easier for them. They even think it can change reality – that a woman can actually become a man and a man can actually become a woman.

As Christians, we should recognize better than anyone how integral someone’s name can be to her identity. God’s name is I AM. It’s not just an arbitrary label chosen for its mellifluous lilt. That is the essence of who He is. Matthew gives us two names for God’s Son – Jesus, “Yahweh saves,” and Immanuel, “God with us” – these names tell us His true identity and purpose. And all over the Bible, we see the importance of a person’s name to his or her identity. People’s names often had ontological meaning. And sometimes God changed a Bible character’s name at a milestone moment to indicate that that he was moving into a new phase of life. Abram to Abraham. Sarai to Sarah. Jacob to Israel.

Interestingly, there’s even an incident in the Bible that parallels the name-changing issue today. When Nebuchadnezzar took the people of Judah captive and changed the names of Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah to Belteshazzar, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, he did so as a method of forcibly assimilating them into their new identity as Babylonian slaves in Babylonian culture. He was attempting to change their entire identity – the way they thought about themselves – from sons of God to conquered slaves of Babylon and make that new identity a reality. And that’s what’s going on with Shannon as well as the sexual identity agenda “pronoun police.” The change of name and pronouns is an attempt to change the new identity of the person into a reality. But every time someone uses the biologically correct name and pronouns for someone in sexual identity sin, that person is jolted out of her delusion of being the opposite sex and right back into the inescapable reality of the sex God created her to be. (It’s the sexual identity sin version of the positive confession aspect of Word of Faith theology: If you just believe hard enough and say all the right things and never the wrong things, you can speak your desires into existence. Scary, huh?)

So when someone in sexual identity sin asks you to call her by an opposite sex name and pronouns, it’s not some “no big deal” kind of thing. Whether that person realizes it or not, she is asking you to help perpetuate her delusion and protect her from being confronted by the reality of the way God created her, so that she can continue believing that what she wants to be true actually is true.

I have said on previous occasions that Christians shouldn’t use opposite sex names or pronouns (or made up/incorrect pronouns like “ze,” “fae,” or “them/their”- referring to an individual) for all of the aforementioned reasons and more. I do understand that for various reasons of employment, family peace, and so on, there are godly people out there who may decide in their own circumstances to use opposite sex names and pronouns for people in sexual identity sin, and I want to make clear that, while I almost certainly would not agree with those decisions, I don’t necessarily think those godly people are, across the board, sinning by doing so. This is a tough issue to navigate because the Bible doesn’t explicitly tell us what to do in this situation. We need to prayerfully examine the issue and the Scriptures and follow our biblically informed consciences in our particular situations. So please hear me clearly: this reader asked what I would do in her particular situation (which doesn’t involve the possibility of losing a job, being arrested, etc.) so that’s how I’m going to answer.

I could not, without violating my biblically informed conscience, call Shannon Brandon and start using male pronouns for her. However, I would also realize that she is going to feel hurt by not being called Brandon, which could cause her to distance herself from my family and the gospel influence we could have upon her.

The way you worded your e-mail, it sounds like Shannon came in and sort of announced or told your daughter that her name is Brandon now or that’s what she’d like to be called. Shannon announcing this is not the same thing as you and your daughter agreeing to comply with it.

Personally, what I would do, is just skip using formal names and not worry about the pronouns. The pronouns will be easier to dispense with because he/him/his and she/her/hers are third person pronouns. In other words, you use them when talking about someone (to another person), not when you’re talking to someone. When you’re talking to someone, you use second person pronouns (you/your/yours) which are already gender neutral.

Avoiding using Shannon’s formal name may also be easier than you realize, especially since you don’t see her very frequently. Think about how often you actually use your husband’s, children’s, or friends’ names when speaking directly to them in conversation. Usually, we don’t start a conversation with someone we’re sitting across from by saying, “Bob, let me tell you about my day,” we just start talking. We also use pet names (sweetie, kiddo, my friend) and nicknames (Green Eyes, Tiger, Boss). Some people are in the habit of calling others by their last names, military style. If Shannon’s “boy name” and “girl name” started with the same letter (ex: going from Shannon Johnson to Steve Johnson) you could call her by her initials.

One of the main reasons people in my house call each other by name is if we’re trying to get that person’s attention or call them from another room. Instead of your daughter calling to Shannon from another room or through a closed door, “Shannon, would you like a drink?”, teach your daughter to walk up to Shannon, tap her on the shoulder, or wait until she comes into the room, and ask her the question once the two have made eye contact. (She’s probably already good at this since most kids that age have earbuds in all the time!) Among kids, “Hey!” “Yoo hoo!” or a yoo hoo-type whistle to get her attention can also work. Keep all of these kinds of things lighthearted and casual, and Shannon might not even notice. Meanwhile, you can keep on loving her and sharing the gospel with her.

Anyway, that’s the kind of thing I would do unless Shannon point blank says something like, “I want to be called Brandon. Will you please call me that?” or “Why aren’t you calling me Brandon?”. At that point, you or your daughter will need to lovingly and briefly explain that in the same way Shannon feels uncomfortable being called a girl name, your daughter feels uncomfortable calling her a boy name. Ask Shannon if there’s some kind of compromise she and your daughter could make (initials, nickname, “secret code names” they can have fun making up, etc.) that would make both of them feel comfortable.

If she wants to know why you/your daughter feel uncomfortable, lovingly tell her the truth. “We love God. God made you a girl. If we call you by a boy’s name, we feel like we would be saying He did something wrong or made a mistake, or that we would be lying about how He made you. But we do still love you and still want to be friends.” If you feel like it would be appropriate or helpful, you might want the grandparents to be present while you have this conversation. You and your daughter might also want to role play this scenario ahead of time so that she will feel prepared when it’s time to have this conversation.

When you have this conversation with Shannon, you need to understand that it most likely won’t be well-received and that it could very well be the last conversation you have with her. Her grandparents may be angry with you. Her parents may be angry with you. As Christians who stand firmly and lovingly on Scripture, we should expect the world to hate us.

If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours. But all these things they will do to you on account of my name, because they do not know Him who sent me. John 15:18-21

Do not be surprised, brothers, that the world hates you. 1 John 3:13

But Christ calls us to separate ourselves from the world and be loyal to Him even if it costs us everything- including those we love the most:

Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
Matthew 10:37

The gospel divides. And Christians are always called to stand on Christ’s side of the divide.

Yet, we should also remember Christ’s promises to us:

Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you. Matthew 5:11-12

But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. But let none of you suffer as a murderer or a thief or an evildoer or as a meddler. Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name. 1 Peter 4:13-16

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.