Tag: Christian modesty

Holidays (Other), Mailbag, Parenting

The Mailbag: Mother’s Day Potpourri

Michelle Lesley

Originally published May 3, 2021

Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question.

I like to take the opportunity in these potpourri editions to let new readers know about my comments/e-mail/messages policy. I’m not able to respond individually to most e-mails and messages, so here are some helpful hints for getting your questions answered more quickly. Remember, the search bar (at the very bottom of each page) can be a helpful tool!

Or maybe I answered your question already? Check out my article The Mailbag: Top 10 FAQs to see if your question has been answered and to get some helpful resources.

This week on the blog, in anticipation of Mother’s Day, it’s all about the mamas. Here’s a roundup of Mailbag articles and other resources on motherhood and parenting…

How can I raise my daughters to be godly women?

Avoiding the Creepers: Six Ways to Raise a Biblically Strong Woman

How can I raise my sons to be godly men?

Six Ways to Raise a Godly Man

Am I violating Scripture’s prohibition on women teaching men by teaching my sons the Bible at home?

Rock Your Role FAQs (#12)

Can you recommend a good Bible study for teen girls?
Can you recommend a devotional I can do with my kids?
How can I teach my kids the Bible?

The Mailbag: Potpourri (Kids’ devotionals, The Chosen- Season 2, Methodist apostasy) (section 1)

The Mailbag: Can you recommend a good Bible study for women/teens/kids?

The Mailbag: Potpourri (NBCS, Homeschool resources, Piper…) (section 3)

12 Techniques for Raising Bible-Saturated Kids

Homemade Catechism: 11 Scriptures for Real Life Parenting Situations

Which children’s Bible do you recommend?

The Mailbag: Children’s Bible Recommendations

How can I know if my disabled (or very young) child is saved?

The Mailbag: Salvation and the Mentally Challenged

My young child says she is saved and wants to be baptized. How can I know if she’s really saved and ready for baptism?

A Review of Justin Peters’ “Do Not Hinder Them”

I’m thinking about homeschooling, but I don’t know where to start. Help!

Homeschool Resources

As a stay-at-home / homeschooling mom of boys, how can I make sure they’re getting the male leadership and influence they need during the day while my husband is at work?

The Mailbag: Potpourri (Christian romance novelist, home schooling sons, Spanish resources…) (section 2)

What is your position on birth control or having a planned family size? 

The Mailbag: Christian Women Working, Using Birth Control, and Limiting Family Size

The Mailbag: Should I Risk Another Pregnancy?

Should I cover myself and my baby while breastfeeding for the sake of modesty?

The Mailbag: Should Christian women cover up while breastfeeding?

How can I teach my children about modesty?

Modesty- Part 3 at A Word Fitly Spoken (We suggest you listen to all three parts in order as they build on one another)

Is spanking biblical or abusive?

The Mailbag: Potpourri (Spanking, Women teaching men, Working a homosexual “wedding”…) (section 1)

Can I get some guidance on training my children to behave in church?

That’s (Church) Life! – How to “Do Church” – Part 1 at A Word Fitly Spoken

Churchmanship 101: Training Your Child to Behave in Church 

The Mailbag: Potpourri (Joni’s testimony, “Messy”, Female seminary profs…) (section 4)

Yes Sir! That’s My Baby!

How do I deal with my unsaved parents who are an ungodly influence on my children?

The Mailbag: Grandparents an Ungodly Influence on My Kids

Biblical advice / information on parenting in general?

Do You Trust God with Your Kids?: 8 Ways to Parent Your Children Like God “Parents” You

Parenting: What a Child Wants, What a Child Needs

Parenting Without Shame

The 10 Commandments of Parenting

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Mailbag

The Mailbag: Is It OK for Christian Women to Wear Bikinis?

Michelle Lesley

It’s that time of year again, ladies. :0)

Originally published February 27, 2017

Foreword: I re-run this article every year in late winter / early spring. And every year, there are a handful of my followers who get mad that I don’t simply say, “No. It is not OK for Christian women to wear bikinis.”

If you’re one of those people, you’re missing the point of this article.

It’s easy to throw out a hard and fast law. It’s not so easy – especially for new Christians and those who come from a background of legalism – to practice biblical decision-making, a skill all Christians need to hone and implement in every area of our lives.

This article is a teaching moment. It’s an opportunity for women to take a fairly easy question that they pretty much already know the answer to and learn how to go through the steps to arriving at a biblical answer.

Remember back in school when your math teacher would make you show your work? She did that because getting the right answer is only a part of problem solving. Understanding and correctly doing all the steps – in order – to arrive at the right answer is the bulk of what she was trying to teach you. This is a “show your work” kind of article.

Summer is just around the corner, so a lot of women will soon be shopping for swimwear. With regard to modesty- do you think it’s OK for Christian women to wear bikinis?

I’m trying to remember back to the days when I might have actually considered – without doubling over in laughter – wearing a bikini. It was a really long time ago. Young, svelte sisters, if I may bring you a bit of comfort- you won’t have to grapple with this question for the rest of your life. As your other older sisters and I can attest, one day, age-appropriateness, your figure, sun exposure, and the desire not to frighten people will make this decision for you long before you have to consider modesty as part of the equation. It’s one of the blessings of getting older.

Just to make sure we’re all on the same page here, let’s quickly define our terms. When I say “bikini,” I’m talking about the fabric equivalent of a bra and panties, not swimwear that covers a lot more yet comes in two pieces.

bikini

not bikinis

Generally speaking, I don’t think bikinis are wise in public unless you’re wearing a shirt or some kind of cover up over it. I’m reluctant to make a hard and fast law about it, though, because, as I’m sure you’re aware, the Bible doesn’t say “Thou shalt not wear a bikini.” (My husband would like to chime in here and says, “However, if you and your husband have a private place for just the two of you to swim or sunbathe, go for it!” You’re welcome, guys.)

A law is a fast and easy “yes” or “no” answer to our question- which is often what our flesh wants, because our flesh is lazy.

As with various other issues, the Bible gives us a general principle (in this case about dressing modestly) and we work out our own salvation in our own cultural context according to all pertinent biblical principles and our own consciences. A law is a fast and easy “yes” or “no” answer to our question- which is often what our flesh wants, because our flesh is lazy. But what God wants Christians to do is study His Word about the issue, pray, and ask Him for wisdom to make a godly decision. When we work through this process, it helps us to develop a greater desire to be conformed to the image of Christ and to be obedient to Him.

What God wants Christians to do is study His Word about the issue, pray, and ask Him for wisdom to make a godly decision.

Let’s take a look at just one passage of Scripture that could be helpful in this regard:

3Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
Philippians 2:3-8 

So, at first glance, you might wonder, “What in the world does this passage have to do with wearing a bikini?” It doesn’t have anything to do with the bikini itself, it zeros in on your heart (Why do you want to wear a bikini?) and your sanctification (Will wearing a bikini make me more Christlike?).

Verse 3a:
Examine your heart- could your motive for wearing a bikini be classified as selfish ambition or vain conceit? Is it possible you want to show your body off to men to appear desirable, or to women to make them jealous?

Verse 3b-4:
Is this a situation in which you should humble yourself and put the interests of those men who might be tempted to lust or those women who might be tempted to covet ahead of your own desire to appear attractive?

Verse 5:
Do you truly desire to have the same mindset as Christ- about this issue and all others?

Verse 6-8:
How did Jesus approach life, according to these verses? He set aside His own rights and privileges (6), He took on the role of a servant (7), He humbled Himself and was obedient to the point of death (8).

When it comes to wearing a bikini, are you willing to have the same mindset as Christ? To set aside your own rights and privileges, be a servant to others, humble yourself, and obey Christ even to the point of death?

These are not questions God wants me to answer for you. These are questions He wants you to come to Him and answer, because He wants your heart. And He wants you to examine your heart and see if it belongs to Him in this area.

Additional Resources:

Is it Okay for Christian Women to Wear Bikinis? at When We Understand the Text

Modesty, parts 1, 2, & 3 at A Word Fitly Spoken

If you’re looking for modest swimwear – even swim dresses – there are several online companies, such as Calypsa, that may have what you’re looking for. Try searching “modest swimwear”. Have you already found a great company you love? Suggest it in the comments below!

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Mailbag

The Mailbag: Immodest Proposal

Michelle Lesley

I’m wondering if you could offer some advice on how to handle a tricky situation with my neighbor. She often runs on the road in front of my house and chooses to wear just a sports bra and skin tight running shorts. It creates a sin opportunity for both my husband and my sons and is really causing a heart issue for me.

I know she’s a believer, or at least attends church regularly. How can I best approach this so it doesn’t turn into a subjective argument about modesty?

Also, we have found a doctrinally sound church but haven’t joined because so many so women are dressed inappropriately. Unfortunately, some of these women are in the elders/deacons families.  Any advice on how to approach this when we meet with the elders? Our hope is that the issue can be corrected and we can continue to be a part of this body.

I know it’s a heart issue for these women and I can certainly pray, but is there Scripture that says church discipline should be taking place allowing us to worship too?

It’s no secret to anyone with eyes that the fairer sex is – more and more, every day – letting it all hang out. I’m just as appalled as any other Christian woman when I look around at the world. And, sadly, sometimes immodesty infiltrates the church as well.

Before you do anything in either of these situations, I would encourage you to listen, listen carefully, and maybe even listen more than once to the three episode A Word Fitly Spoken podcast series Amy and I released a few years ago on modesty:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

You might be wondering why I’m recommending that you – someone who obviously cares about modesty and Scripture’s teaching on it – give the subject more study. It’s a perfectly reasonable question.

It’s because modesty is such a concern for you that I want to make sure you (and all of my readers, really) have a biblical understanding of it. And once you do, I want to lovingly suggest that you spend some weeks praying for wisdom and clarity on the question of whether all of these women are actually dressed immodestly, or if there’s a possibility that your own ideas about modesty might need some biblical tweaking.

I’m not saying that’s definitely the case, because I don’t know you, and I can’t see how all of these women are dressed. I’m saying study up and explore that possibility in private prayer time with the Lord before you decide you need to take action, especially with something as serious as church discipline.

I would also suggest that you and your husband spend some time in prayer about all of this and have some focused discussions around the question of how much of this is his and your sons’ issue and how much of it is your issue. It’s not fair to your husband or sons to assume they are incapacitated by lust over all of these women unless they’ve told you that’s the case. You said, it’s “really causing a heart issue for me,” and I think it might be more of an issue for you that you realize. You may need to explore the questions of:

  • whether or not you trust your husband to be faithful, including whether or not he’s been unfaithful, habitually used pornography, or had a lust problem in the past
  • the balance between protecting your sons from sexual sin and entrusting them to the Lord
  • the degree to which you should be the one dealing with your sons about this issue (As a woman, you don’t have a man’s eyes, brain, or heart. Your husband does. He’s the best one to build your boys into godly men in this area.)
  • whether weight, health, aging, or other factors might be causing you to be jealous of these other women’s appearances
  • if you’ve ever been the victim of sexual abuse, is seeing so many women as immodestly dressed somehow connected to that experience?
  • (I know this is extremely unlikely, but it could apply to another reader): whether you’ve had sin issues of homosexuality or homosexual lust in the past and that might be playing a part in this.
  • whether you’re struggling with trusting the Lord with any aspects of this situation

If your husband is struggling against the sin of lust and/or pornography, my recommendation to him is to contact either a doctrinally sound pastor or godly older man he knows and trusts to disciple him about this, or he needs to set up an appointment with a certified biblical counselor (not the same thing as a “Christian counselor/therapist/psychologist/etc.”).

If you and your husband spend sufficient time studying, praying, seeking wisdom, and discussing all of these things and you can stand before God with a clear conscience and honestly say, “It’s truly not us. There really are a lot of immodestly dressed women around us,” then you can discuss what action, if any, to take. The biblical pattern is to always examine our own hearts first before seeking to correct others.

The biblical pattern is to always examine our own hearts first before seeking to correct others. (See Matthew 7:1-5)

In either case, I would not advise approaching your neighbor about her running garb unless you are extremely close friends (and I suspect you’re not since you called her a “neighbor” instead of a friend, and you can’t confidently say whether or not she’s a Believer). It’s not going to go well no matter how kindly you approach her or what you say.

My advice:

  • Most people run at a regular time each day. Figure out when that is. (For heaven’s sake, don’t ask your neighbor. That’s going to come off as creepy and stalker-ish.)
  • If you’re the one who has the issue with seeing her dressed immodestly, either don’t walk through the living room at her running time (or don’t look out the window if you do), or don’t open the curtains until after that time, or both. However big your property might be, it can’t possibly take more than a few minutes for her to pass your field of vision.
  • Let your husband and sons handle their business of making a covenant with their eyes. That’s their job, not yours. And they’re already having to do it every day in scads of other situations you’re not aware of, so they’ve got some practice at it.

With regard to the situation at the church, either the issue is with you and there aren’t multiple women dressed so immodestly every week that you can’t worship, or there are and this church is not doctrinally sound. Because those two things – ongoing extremely immodest dress by the elders’/deacons family members and a doctrinally sound church – cannot coexist. They cancel each other out.

In addition to it being the biblical pattern, the reason I emphasized examining your own heart first is that I’ve been a member of and visited dozens of churches in my life. I’ve visited a few that would give Bethel a run for its money. And I’ve never, even in the worst of those churches, observed so many women so scantily clad every single week that it would have been impossible for doctrinally sound Christians to worship (had it been a doctrinally sound church). An isolated modesty issue here and there – usually with a visitor? Sure, even in the doctrinally sound churches. But never the type of pervasive, continuous issue you’re describing – something that would prevent potential members from joining the church.

If there truly are multiple elders’/deacons’ family members who are immodestly dressed every week and it’s not being dealt with, it’s not a doctrinally sound church and you shouldn’t join it. Use my Searching for a new church? resource in the blue menu at the top of this page and find another church.

“…is there Scripture that says church discipline should be taking place allowing us to worship too?”

I understand the what you’re trying to convey here – basically the idea that the people who are doing wrong (dressing immodestly) are the ones who should have to change their ways, not the people who are not doing wrong (you and your family). I sympathize and there are many ways in which I agree with you on this.

But you can’t throw that idea into the blender with church discipline or you’ll be guilty of mishandling the Scriptures that deal with church discipline, primarily Matthew 18:15-20.

Now if your brother sins, go and show him his fault, between you and him alone; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as the Gentile and the tax collector.

Matthew 18:15-17

Church discipline has nothing to do with making things right or comfortable or fair *for you*. Church discipline is about rescuing brothers and sisters from sin and reconciling them to Christ and to the church *because we love them*.

Church discipline has nothing to do with making things right or comfortable or fair for you. Church discipline is about rescuing brothers and sisters from sin and reconciling them to Christ and to the church because we love them.

Brothers, even if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, each of you looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. Galatians 6:1

And if anyone does not obey our word in this letter, take special note of that person to not associate with him, so that he will be put to shame. And yet do not regard him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother. 2 Thessalonians 3:14-15

My brothers, if any among you strays from the truth and one turns him back, let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins. James 5:19-20

Modesty can be a tricky issue to deal with. Just deal with your own heart first, and then move on to helping and discipling other women in this area.

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Mailbag

The Mailbag: Is It OK for Christian Women to Wear Bikinis?

Michelle Lesley

It’s that time of year again, ladies. :0)

Foreword: I re-run this article every year in late winter / early spring. And every year, there are a handful of my followers who get mad that I don’t simply say, “No. It is not OK for Christian women to wear bikinis.”

If you’re one of those people, you’re missing the point of this article.

It’s easy to throw out a hard and fast law. It’s not so easy – especially for new Christians and those who come from a background of legalism – to practice biblical decision-making, a skill all Christians need to hone and implement in every area of our lives.

This article is a teaching moment. It’s an opportunity for women to take a fairly easy question that they pretty much already know the answer to and learn how to go through the steps to arriving at a biblical answer.

Remember back in school when your math teacher would make you show your work? She did that because getting the right answer is only a part of problem solving. Understanding and correctly doing all the steps – in order – to arrive at the right answer is the bulk of what she was trying to teach you. This is a “show your work” kind of article.

Summer is just around the corner, so a lot of women will soon be shopping for swimwear. With regard to modesty- do you think it’s OK for Christian women to wear bikinis?

I’m trying to remember back to the days when I might have actually considered – without doubling over in laughter – wearing a bikini. It was a really long time ago. Young, svelte sisters, if I may bring you a bit of comfort- you won’t have to grapple with this question for the rest of your life. As your other older sisters and I can attest, one day, age-appropriateness, your figure, sun exposure, and the desire not to frighten people will make this decision for you long before you have to consider modesty as part of the equation. It’s one of the blessings of getting older.

Just to make sure we’re all on the same page here, let’s quickly define our terms. When I say “bikini,” I’m talking about the fabric equivalent of a bra and panties, not swimwear that covers a lot more yet comes in two pieces.

bikini

not bikinis

Generally speaking, I don’t think bikinis are wise in public unless you’re wearing a shirt or some kind of cover up over it. I’m reluctant to make a hard and fast law about it, though, because, as I’m sure you’re aware, the Bible doesn’t say “Thou shalt not wear a bikini.” (My husband would like to chime in here and says, “However, if you and your husband have a private place for just the two of you to swim or sunbathe, go for it!” You’re welcome, guys.)

A law is a fast and easy “yes” or “no” answer to our question- which is often what our flesh wants, because our flesh is lazy.

As with various other issues, the Bible gives us a general principle (in this case about dressing modestly) and we work out our own salvation in our own cultural context according to all pertinent biblical principles and our own consciences. A law is a fast and easy “yes” or “no” answer to our question- which is often what our flesh wants, because our flesh is lazy. But what God wants Christians to do is study His Word about the issue, pray, and ask Him for wisdom to make a godly decision. When we work through this process, it helps us to develop a greater desire to be conformed to the image of Christ and to be obedient to Him.

What God wants Christians to do is study His Word about the issue, pray, and ask Him for wisdom to make a godly decision.

Let’s take a look at just one passage of Scripture that could be helpful in this regard:

3Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
Philippians 2:3-8 

So, at first glance, you might wonder, “What in the world does this passage have to do with wearing a bikini?” It doesn’t have anything to do with the bikini itself, it zeros in on your heart (Why do you want to wear a bikini?) and your sanctification (Will wearing a bikini make me more Christlike?).

Verse 3a:
Examine your heart- could your motive for wearing a bikini be classified as selfish ambition or vain conceit? Is it possible you want to show your body off to men to appear desirable, or to women to make them jealous?

Verse 3b-4:
Is this a situation in which you should humble yourself and put the interests of those men who might be tempted to lust or those women who might be tempted to covet ahead of your own desire to appear attractive?

Verse 5:
Do you truly desire to have the same mindset as Christ- about this issue and all others?

Verse 6-8:
How did Jesus approach life, according to these verses? He set aside His own rights and privileges (6), He took on the role of a servant (7), He humbled Himself and was obedient to the point of death (8).

When it comes to wearing a bikini, are you willing to have the same mindset as Christ? To set aside your own rights and privileges, be a servant to others, humble yourself, and obey Christ even to the point of death?

These are not questions God wants me to answer for you. These are questions He wants you to come to Him and answer, because He wants your heart. And He wants you to examine your heart and see if it belongs to Him in this area.

Additional Resources:

Is it Okay for Christian Women to Wear Bikinis? at When We Understand the Text

Modesty, parts 1, 2, & 3 at A Word Fitly Spoken

If you’re looking for modest swimwear – even swim dresses – there are several online companies, such as Calypsa, that may have what you’re looking for. Try searching “modest swimwear”. Have you already found a great company you love? Suggest it in the comments below!

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.