Michelle Lesley

Originally published May 17, 2021

A family member and I had a falling out…

I’m unequally yoked in my marriage…

We’ve got this situation with my husband’s ex-wife…

My adult child lives with us and has broken the law…

…what do I do? How do I handle all of this?

I hurt for so many of y’all facing difficult situations out there. Detailed situations. Complicated situations. Situations you desperately need some help with.

Situations I get emails and comments about that I deeply want to help you with, but I can’t, because it would be unbiblical and irresponsible of me to try to do so.

It would be irresponsible, because I don’t know you. I don’t know the situation or the other people involved. I don’t know the laws in your area. And, although I’m sure you’re all truthful when you write to me, I’m only getting your side of the story, so I’m not getting a complete picture of what’s going on. I could give you advice that might inadvertently prove wrong or harmful.

The first to plead his case seems right,
Until another comes and examines him.
Proverbs 18:17

It would also be irresponsible to my family, because my primary duty is to serve them. If I tried to spend as much time as it would take to properly counsel everyone who asks me to, I would be neglecting my family.

It would be unbiblical because there’s no “stranger thousands of miles away on the internet” role for me in the framework God has set up for Christianity. God’s framework for Christianity is the local church, and in that framework, if you need counsel, the person God has designated to be your first point of contact in most situations is your pastor, an elder, or a spiritually mature brother or sister in Christ.

Not only would it be wrong for me to try to usurp one of those positions, it would be robbing your church of the opportunity to shepherd and disciple you one on one, face to face, for the long haul. And it would be robbing you of the joy and blessings of being ministered to by your church family. When you and your church walk through a situation like this together, it strengthens your bond, grows all of you, and increases your joy in one another.

But I don’t have a church. I promise I’m not trying to pile on here, but I need to take this opportunity to drive home to everybody who’s reading this who has been lackadaisical or defiant* about finding a church: this is one of the reasons you need to find, join, and get plugged in to a good church. This is one of the reasons Scripture tells us that, for Christians, church is not optional and non-negotiable. That we’re to meet together more as the Day draws near, not less.

*”Lackadaisical or defiant” means lackadaisical or defiant. It does not mean, “I’ve been praying and trying really hard to find a good church, but I haven’t found one yet.”

Furthermore, being faithful to a local body can sometimes help prevent certain situations from happening in the first place because you’re getting good, biblical instruction, “training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age”. (Titus 2:12)

If you’re not currently a member of a church (or you are and you’ve stopped attending), you need to make that right immediately. Disobeying God’s command for us to gather isn’t going to help your situation, and obeying it can do nothing but help.

If you’re not sure where to look for a solid church, start praying fervently for God to lead you to one. Then go to the blue menu bar at the top of this page, click on Searching for a new church?, and start by reading the materials in the “What to look for in a church” section.

But I’m hanging in there, trying to effect / waiting for change at a church that’s operating unbiblically and I don’t trust my pastor to give me biblical counsel. Believe me, I know from first hand experience exactly what that’s like.

(I also know that many readers’ knee jerk reaction will be, “Well, you need to get out of there and find a different church.” I get that, and in many cases that’s the right answer. But in other cases it’s not. There are lots of different reasons why someone might choose to weather a temporary storm at her church, and immediately bailing out isn’t always the godly answer.)

What about your Sunday School or Bible study teacher? A spiritually mature friend who’s also hanging in there? An older lady in the church? Think about it and pray for God to lead you to the right person who can help.

If you can’t find someone in your own church, what about a godly friend who goes to another (doctrinally sound) church? Talk things over with her. If she feels like your situation is outside her wheelhouse, perhaps she would be willing to introduce you to her pastor and he would be willing to counsel you. You could even “cold call” a pastor at a doctrinally sound church in your area and see if he counsels “walk-ins” who are members of other churches. It never hurts to ask.

If all else fails, see if there’s a church in your area that has an ACBC certified Biblical Counselor (this is not the same thing as a “Christian counselor/therapist”) available for counseling, or explore my Biblical Counseling resource in the blue menu bar at the top of this page.

But there isn’t a doctrinally sound church in my area. I know that for a few of you, this is true. You live in a remote area where there are no churches. Or, everything close by is Catholic, or NAR, or progressive, and the nearest semblance of a doctrinally sound church is five hours away. You’re willing to make sacrifices to attend church, but there just isn’t one to attend.

But I also know that for some, what this means is, “My ideal church isn’t located within a 15 minute drive of me.”

I’ve addressed these scenarios in detail in some of the links above, so, long story short: check every single church search engine at the Searching for a new church? tab to make sure you haven’t overlooked a good church within achievable driving distance, move, or look into church planting. And, above all, pray that God would provide you with a good church.

But for the purposes of this article, if there isn’t a doctrinally sound church in your area, many of the same suggestions above will apply: talk to a godly friend, Zoom with a solid pastor friend in another area, or visit my Biblical Counseling tab (linked above).

But couldn’t you just recommend a book for me to read that addresses what I’m going through? No, I probably can’t, primarily for the very simple reason that there are thousands of books out there on zillions of topics, and I haven’t read them all. And if I haven’t read a particular book, I don’t know if it’s doctrinally sound, and I don’t know if it adequately addresses your issue.

Additionally, while good books can be somewhat helpful in a general, “one size fits all” sort of way, no book is going to address all the specifics of your particular situation. But a one on one, ongoing counseling or discipleship relationship with your pastor or a godly older sister at church can.

Let’s (I’ve been guilty of this too) be careful not to fall into the subtle mindset of, “If I could just find the right book, it’ll be the magic bullet to solve my problem.” I can practically guarantee you, it won’t.

All of that being said, if your pastor recommends a certain (doctrinally sound) book while he’s counseling you, by all means, read it. If the friend you’re talking things over with says, “This book really helped me a lot in when I was in your situation,” go for it. As you’re pursuing one on one, face to face counsel in the context of your local church, go ahead and read up (I’d recommend anything from Grace to You, Ligonier, or anything written by the folks at the Recommended Bible Teachers tab in the blue menu bar at the top of this page.)

I’m not saying good books aren’t helpful. I’m just saying books alone aren’t a substitute for godly counsel from real, flesh and blood brothers and sisters in Christ. (See my article: You Don’t Need *A* Book, You Need *THE* Book)

Life can be hard and painful sometimes. God knew it would be, and He knows the best way to help us. That’s why He gave us the church.

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Forgiveness, Relationships

Throwback Thursday ~ We’re All a Bunch of Bumbling Morons

June 5, 2025June 5, 2025 Michelle Lesley

Originally published July 11, 2014

I recently did something colossally stupid.

I can tell by the sound of your jaw hitting the floor that you’re shocked.

To repeat the details would be to repeat the offense, so, suffice it to say, it was the metaphorical equivalent of walking across a room and knocking over a really expensive vase. It wasn’t a sin, per se, it was just one of those oafish things we all do from time to time simply because we’re fallen humans living in a fallen world.

Blessedly, God protected the other person and me from the brunt of my bumbling. And then a beautiful thing happened. The other person passed over the incident as if it hadn’t even happened.

Wow.

Now, I can’t tell you the number of times God has had to protect me from my own stupidity (both sinful and non-sinful). One of my favorite passages is Psalm 103:13-14:

As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust.
Psalm 103:13-14

In other words, God knit together every cell in our bodies and knows every thought and action of our lives from conception to death. Nothing unexpected there, for Him. He knows what He’s got to work with. So, God being God and all, maybe it’s not so surprising that He might have that perspective. He knows all of our weaknesses and still shows us compassion. (Don’t mistake my lack of surprise for lack of gratitude. I would be a smoking crater in the ground if God didn’t treat me with that kind of mercy and compassion. I am extremely grateful for it.)

What’s downright unfathomable in this day and age of everybody wearing his feelings on his sleeve, and wanting to absolutely obliterate anyone who causes him the least amount of agitation is for one human to pass over the failure of another. Scripture tells us:

Good sense makes one slow to anger,
and it is his glory to overlook an offense.
Proverbs 19:11

Not- confront the person and demand an apology. Not- stop speaking to the person and carry a grudge until I feel he’s been sufficiently punished. Overlook. Act like it didn’t happen. Refuse to let it change your relationship with the person. Fuhgeddaboutit.

These days, that’s rarer than a modest outfit on a Hollywood starlet, even among professing Christians.

And it shouldn’t be. Because the Bible also says:

And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.
Luke 6:31

Remember that? The Golden Rule? What happened to treating others the way we would want to be treated if we were in their shoes? Yes, pernicious sin in the Body needs to be dealt with by confronting the person in mercy, love, and a spirit of restoration, but what about those non-sinful, unintentional human foibles that land in our laps? Can’t we adopt that same mercy and grace God has towards us and our weaknesses and extend it to others?

I want to get better at that. Because when you get right down to it, we’ve got enough people freaking out and flying off the handle these days. All that does is make everybody tense and unhappy. Not to get all “peace, love, and harmony” on y’all, but, well…couldn’t we use a little more peace, love, and harmony as we do life with other humanoids? And of all the people peace, love, and harmony could come from, shouldn’t it be coming from Christians first? Let’s extend some extra grace and give people room to be human. Everybody’s going to need it at one time or another.

After all, the next bumbling moron to come along just might be you.

Discernment, Research Team

Join My Research Team

June 4, 2025June 1, 2025 Michelle Lesley

It’s that time again! I’m going to send out a research request soon, so if you want to help – now or in the future – subscribe! Keep reading to find out how, and what this is all about!

How would you like a completely voluntary position that you can work at as much or as little as you like? It pays nothing, but has the potential to help your brothers and sisters in Christ, hone your discernment skills, and is a more constructive way of spending your spare time than watching TV or playing games on your phone.

“Sign me up!” right?

I’m so glad to hear you say that!

I know y’all want me to write more discernment articles on problematic teachers. Believe me, I want to write them. But discernment articles require a lot of research and that takes a lot of time. And with everything I’ve got on my plate, I just don’t have the time I need to invest in the research I need to do to write the articles you want to read.

I need some research assistants. And that’s where you come in.

Every now and then, as I’m working on a discernment article, I’ll ask interested subscribers to my blog only to help me research the teacher or organization I’m gathering information on. I’ll give you specific instructions about what I’m looking for. If you have a little spare time and you’re interested, you can participate. If not, simply ignore the research request. No big whoop.

The thing is, you must be a subscriber to my blog to participate. The research requests will not be accessible to the public or on social media. They will only be accessible to those who subscribe to my blog via email.

How to sign up? If you already subscribe to my blog via email, you’re all set. You don’t need to do anything. If not, all you have to do is subscribe to my blog:

Scroll down to the end of this article. You should see something like this:

Fill in your email address, click “subscribe,” follow the instructions to confirm your subscription, and then wait for me to send out a research request. (Be patient. It may not come for days, weeks, or months from the time you subscribe.)
If you have any difficulties subscribing, my best advice is to: a) try subscribing on a different device, and/or b) ask a tech savvy friend who is there with you to help out.

Subscribers will receive all of my blog posts via email, not just the research requests, but only subscribers will receive the research requests.

Any questions? Leave a comment below. Looking forward to working with you, team!

Mailbag, Parenting

The Mailbag: Should single women foster or adopt children?

June 3, 2025June 2, 2025 Michelle Lesley

Should single women foster or foster to adopt?

It’s a great question, and a decision that shouldn’t be entered into lightly.

I know that there’s an urgent need for foster parents, so I hate to exclude anyone who’s willing, but at the same time, Christians must be governed by Scripture first, and practical considerations afterward. And in this case, God’s design for the family demonstrates that single women should not adopt and should not foster (except, perhaps, in cases of temporary emergency).

God has numerous reasons for confining sex to marriage, and one of those reasons is that sex results in children. When a married woman gets pregnant, the baby already has a built in set of parents – a father and a mother. That’s the way God designed things because God knows children need both a father and a mother.

But that’s not all – mothers need husbands/fathers, and fathers need wives/mothers. Until you have children, you cannot fully grasp how challenging, physically exhausting, frustrating, and emotionally draining motherhood can be, even under the best of circumstances with a husband. You also have no idea what a joy motherhood can be, and how your loneliness will exponentially increase without a husband to share that joy with.

Compounding the stress on a single foster mother is the fact that children who need foster care have usually spent quite some time in a horrific home situation. They’ve been abused, neglected, abandoned, exposed to drugs, violence, and other unspeakable atrocities. Those things do great damage to children, and, as a result, they often arrive at their foster homes with severe emotional and behavioral problems. And you won’t have a husband to help you. All of that will fall on you to handle, alone.

Consider also, that, unless you’re independently wealthy, if you’re a single woman, you’re going to be working full time. You’re going to take a child who needs extra attention, who’s likely to have been neglected or abandoned and turn around and abandon him again to a daycare or babysitter every day while you’re working. Even if you work from home, your attention won’t be fully focused on him. He doesn’t need that. He needs to be someone’s first priority for a change.

A foster child needs to be someone’s first priority for a change.
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Perhaps the most important thing to ponder is this: What’s your motive for wanting to foster or adopt? Is it because you want children, and, without a husband, this seems like the best way to get them? Or, is it because God has given you a desire to help and minister to hurting children? In other words, is your motive “me-focused” or “ministry-focused”?

Is your motive “me-focused” or “ministry-focused”?
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Forgive me for being overly direct, but if your motive is me-focused, single or married, you are the last person who should be fostering children. Me-focused people are what lands children in foster care in the first place.

God didn’t create children to make you feel fulfilled. We all want things in life that God has said no to, and God’s prescription for that is not to try to circumvent His “no” with loopholes like foster care, but to learn to be content in the circumstances in which He has placed us.

…I learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in abundance; in any and all things I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:11-13

God didn’t create children to make you feel fulfilled.
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If you think your motive might be me-focused, may I make a suggestion? Take your eyes off your desire for children and refocus them on studying, meditating on, and memorizing Philippians 4. (Yes, the whole chapter. It’s only 23 verses long. You can do it!)

If your motive is truly ministry-focused, there are a number of ways you can minister to children besides becoming a single foster mother. Scripture tells us…

So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith.
Galatians 6:10

…so start with your church. Set up an appointment with your pastor or the appropriate elder and explain your desire to minister to children with your church’s support.

Ask about ways to get involved with the children’s ministry at your church.
Volunteer to teach or help in children’s Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, Bible Drill, parents’ night out, or other children’s ministries.
Are there single parents in your church who need a hand with the kids from time to time?
Are there married couples -especially those who live far from family- who would welcome an “adopted” aunt or grandma (or at least occasional free babysitting) for their children?
Are there disadvantaged children who attend children’s outreach activities at your church whose parents aren’t members? Perhaps you could befriend the parent(s) and help out with their children.

If you already minister to children connected to your church and still have time to do more, look into ways you could minister to children in your community without parenting them.

Perhaps emergency foster care or respite foster care would be an option.
Maybe there’s a parachurch or community organization (for example: Big Brothers / Big Sisters or something similar) that needs volunteers.
Does your denomination have a children’s home or orphanage? (Mine does.) Contact them to find out how to minister to the resident children.

Though, generally speaking, single women should not foster or adopt, exceptional or emergency situations involving family or close loved ones may arise that make it necessary: Your unmarried sister is sent to jail for 18 months, and you’re the only relative who can take her children in. You’re 22 and somewhat established in a good job and a decent place to live, and your parents die in a car accident, leaving behind your 16 year old brother who will be grown and out on his own in a few years.

In exceptional or emergency situations, I would urge you to first consider if you are truly the only option. Children in these situations still need a mother and a father, and the mother and father need each other.

If you are, indeed, the only option for these children, set up an appointment with your pastor for counsel, ask about any resources he’s aware of, and ask your church for prayer, help, and support. You’re going to need it, and the children in your care will too.

Homosexuality, Movies

Movie Time: Audacity

May 29, 2025May 28, 2025 Michelle Lesley

Originally published May 8, 2018

Need something good to watch tonight?

From Living Waters, creators of the award-winning TV program “The Way of the Master” and the hit movies “180” and “Evolution vs. God,” comes the powerful film “Audacity.” Executive produced by TV co-host and best-selling author Ray Comfort (Hell’s Best Kept Secret, Scientific Facts in the Bible), this film delivers an unexpected, eye-opening look at the controversial topic of homosexuality.

Peter (Travis Owens) is an aspiring comedian encouraged by his friend Ben (Ben Price, Australia’s Got Talent finalist) to perform at the local comedy club. But stage fright isn’t Peter’s only fear. When confronted with one of today’s most divisive issues, he feels compelled to speak, but can he? Challenged by his coworker Diana (Molly Ritter) to defend his convictions about homosexuality and gay marriage, will he have the courage to stand for what he believes—even at the risk of losing a friendship? And how will he respond when faced with a harrowing life-or-death experience?

“Audacity” uses a unique approach to address a very sensitive subject in contemporary society. Regardless of your views on homosexuality, you’ll gain fresh insights and a new perspective.

(From Living Waters’ YouTube channel promo description of Audacity)

So snuggle up on the couch, grab some popcorn, and enjoy Audacity!