I hate radical secular feminism. I really do. Don’t get me wrong, I deeply appreciate the right to vote and own property. I think that men and women with the same amount of experience and education should be paid the same amount of money for doing the same job. And, I love seeing women study and develop their minds (particularly in the area of sound biblical doctrine.)
But what I don’t like is some of the methods that have been employed to achieve these things, the biblical values that have been sacrificed along the way, and the emasculating impact feminism has had on men.
Turn on any television show, watch a commercial, go to the movies, read the news, scroll through your social media feed, and examine the way men are generally viewed, spoken of, and being treated by others.
If a female character on a TV show slaps her husband or punches him in the arm, we laugh or sympathize with her anger, depending on the scenario, but if the roles were reversed we’d call the same behavior from a man abuse.
Men are frequently portrayed as bumbling incompetents as fathers, husbands, and employees, with a heroine mom, wife, or co-worker stepping in to save the day.
We see women wearing the pants in the family and treating their husbands like an extra child, and we see men who respond in kind: acting like children, obeying their wives’ commands, and, often, indulging in hours of childish pastimes, like video games, instead of working hard and caring for their families.
It’s not Father Knows Best anymore. It’s Father’s a Moronic Buffoon to Kick Around.
And what’s alarming is that these attitudes have been creeping into the church for years.
Just as women rebelled against the law and social conventions to gain equality with men, “Christian” women now rebel against Scripture by becoming pastors and instructing and holding authority over men in the church. (In fact, this has been going on so long that many in the next generation aren’t even aware that the Bible prohibits this.)
Just as men in secular society have stepped back to avoid being run over by headstrong women, or even joined them in their quest for female dominance, evangelical men have abdicated their God-given positions of leadership in the church and home, sometimes even joining women in their violation of Scripture by inviting them into unbiblical positions of leadership and by sitting under their teaching and preaching.
Those are the things that are overt and visible. But it’s happening on a more subtle level, too, even among complementarian men, women, and churches.
Have you ever heard a man attempt to praise his wife by saying, “I married up,” or “way up,” or “way over my head,” and then proceed to describe himself as, basically, a bucket of slime in comparison to his wife? Most of the men I’ve heard say this have been good, godly men, including my husband, who has made similar remarks in the past.
I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but I don’t want to hear anyone putting my husband (or any of my godly male friends) down, even my husband himself. The truth is, for believers, the cross is the great equalizer. We all marry equally up and equally down, because we are all redeemed, yet broken, sinful human beings- simultaneously saint and sinner.
And what about things like this?
There are some really great messages in this video:
Being a mom can be tough, and husbands should appreciate all the hard work their wives do as mothers.
God wired women differently from men in a way that uniquely equips us for motherhood, and these differences are good and should be valued.
Dads need to step in and give moms a break every now and then.
It’s just supposed to be a lighthearted “moms are precious” video. I get that. But how are the makers of the video achieving the “lighthearted” part? By portraying dads as silly and hapless.
Where are we getting this idea that men have to be torn down in order to build women up? Not from the Bible, but from secular feminism. That’s their modus operandi, not God’s.
We always look at Proverbs 31:10-31 with regard to what it says about excellent wives, but have you ever noticed what it says about husbands?
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm…
Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land…
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
11-12a, 23, 28-29
Here, in the quintessential passage praising godly wives, do we see a silly cartoon character of a husband? Do we see a husband being belittled so his wife can look good? No. We see a godly wife who does her husband good and inspires and encourages him to go out and conquer the world. We see a respectable man with a good reputation. And, we see a man who trusts, appreciates, and praises his wife without a hint of self deprecation.
The world’s way is that for women to be winners, men must lose. God’s way is iron sharpens iron. When wives are godly, it influences their husbands to be godly, and vice versa. When women fulfill the roles God has ordained for them at church, it frees and encourages men to be the leaders God has called them to be. We build each other up without tearing ourselves down. Nobody has to lose in order for somebody else to win. Godliness is truly a win-win situation.
Godly women are important, specially crafted by God for our roles, and worthy of honor and respect. But so are godly men. Let’s be sure, in the family and in the church, that we’re taking our cues from Scripture, not the world, when it comes to valuing women and men.
Michelle Lesley 
“And what’s alarming is that these attitudes have been creeping into the church for years.”
Amen, Michelle. I worry that many Christian men and women have internalized the dopey dad/condescending wife trope that, as you mentioned, is ubiquitous in the media. Then when men give church a chance all they see is a sad reflection of our emasculated culture and never return.
I’ve also noticed the cringe-inducing trend of Christian men over praising their wives (or women in general) while piling on the self deprecation. I think some Christian men feel guilty about the patriarchy of the Bible and attempt to alleviate it by placing women on pedestals and declaring women as somehow more holy or righteous than men. It’s weird.
Thank you for this post, you’re absolutely right when you say that Godliness is a win-win for everyone.
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Thanks, Jacob! :0)
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I couldn’t agree more. I think it follows a trend however. Christian want in to be popular in culture. As a boy most of the men I had contact with in church saw popular culture as “other”. The thought of being defined as a man by anything other than what the Bible, did not occur to them. Some of the most intelligent, happy, thoughtful men I knew. Didn’t care a awful lot about their popularity in society. Most of the women I knew respected men that loved the Lord and nothing else seemed to matter.
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Thank you!! This article was spot on and a blessing to my soul!!
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You’re welcome. It is my joy to serve you in Christ. :0)
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What is so interesting to me is this: a woman is writing this article…not her husband. I wholeheartedly agree with what she is saying though. I wish there were more women who are discerning like the author of this great article!! I was in Wendy’s the other day. I began speaking to a couple (mostly addressing the man) and the woman literally conquered the conversation only allowing her husband to add something that strengthened her last statement. She was disenfranchised by a church that I attend and proclaimed how toxic Christian fundamentalism is demonstrated there.
I thought to myself…this is textbook fundamental ‘baptist’ feminism. Men WHERE ARE YOU?! Quit ye like a man, and answer thou me! I will demand of you. God tells Job how it is in the real world.
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During my season of healing, one question still plagues me about church-based counseling and family ministry. I find my trust shaken, but my faith in Christ remains.
I have read countless Christian articles and listened to several podcasts about men being abusive to their wives. A problem that unfortunately, plagues our broken world today and will continue into the future.
However, as a husband who has been verbally and emotionally abused for over 10 years by his wife, I feel that a tragic bias has developed in today’s church. It’s a philosophy of husbands being at fault for a broken family when the true culprit MAY NOT necessarily be the husband, but in actuality, the wife. Yet, unfairly, the husband is the one held responsible and is the one “beaten up” by church leaders because husbands aren’t loving their wives properly, leading their families properly, leading their children in a godly manner, etc. In several instances, I’ve seen firsthand how wives will complain about their husbands to other wives and those other wives affirming their feelings and accusations. Thus giving them more power against their husbands. I’ve noticed that story actually played out by our family pastor during family counseling sessions. Yet, whenever I was accused of anything by her, I would be called into my pastors office to face more false accusations by her. I watched in disbelief when my pastor would affirm and validate my wife’s false accusations toward me and the pastor would later tell me that she was simply being abusive toward me and not to let it bother me. I was told to stay in the marriage despite the damage she was doing. This behavior dismantled me and my family in the years that followed, all in clear view of my church leadership and church counselors. As a result, a question in my mind remains…
I ask, why aren’t the abusive wives being held accountable for their abuse?
Respectfully, I submit as in my case, it’s not always the man. in many instances, at least as far as I’ve noticed, that women do bear responsibility in many marital and family abuses. I asked my own mother this question and her response was that in most cases, from her experience, women are the most responsible for marriages breaking up. In my case, I saw it unfold right in front of me and it continues to haunt me today that one woman destroyed a husband (me) and dismantled her family all in front of the church leadership, and nothing was done, and the only one that was held accountable for this tragedy, was me. And yet, I was told that I was not the abuser, but her.. I have heard countless times over the years that a husband’s role is to protect and to fight for their family and he alone is the one that carries the responsibility to keep the family solid. Believe me, I fought until I could literally, physically and emotionally do no more. How could that happen with a wife that was contentious, and placed herself and the children against me? At the end, there was nothing left, and I still carry that burden of failure, humiliation and emasculation from such a traumatic season. And I was the only one that faced this abuse daily, in clear view of my church leaders and am still recovering the emotional, mental and financial devastation from this season.
Thank you Michelle for a great article. This has stirred some thought in my own life.
I search online and look for podcasts and online articles on abusive wives, but I see the scales severally unbalanced. My confidence in church-based family therapy has been shaken to its core and my question is, is my perspective correct? Why don’t I see this discussed more frequently in Christian circles?
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You raise some excellent points, Shawn, and, unfortunately, due to personal experience with a woman like your wife, I completely understand and know that what you’re saying is true in many marriages. You’re right, we don’t address this enough. Would you be interested in writing a guest post for me on this topic? We could do it anonymously if you like. I think a husband’s perspective on this would be very valuable to my readers.
Give it some thought and prayer, check out my “Statement of Faith” and “Welcome” tabs (in the blue menu bar at the top of this page) to make sure you and I are basically on the same page, theologically, and if you’re interested, drop me an email (before you start writing), and we can chat about it.
I’m so sorry for your experience with your wife and with pastoral counseling. Blessings to you.
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