For me, part of the reason Christmas is the “most wonderful time of the year” is the music. There are the old favorites as well as some great new songs that have come out over the years. Unfortunately, there are some stinkers out there, too.
Everybody has her own taste, so the songs that give you the Christmas crazies are probably different from the ones that get on my nerves, but, here, in no particular order, are my (and your!) picks for the worst Christmas songs of all time.
I’ll keep adding those Christmas songs you love to hate to the list every year (Could there possibly be any more?), so feel free to nominate your choice for the worst of the worst in the comments. And, while I can’t imagine why you would want it, if you need a playlist of all of these horrid songs, here you go: The Worst Christmas Songs of All Time.
1. The Christmas Shoes– Hi, we’re going to write a song that’s a blatant attempt at emotional manipulation, and then if you say you don’t like it, people will think you’re heartless. Merry Christmas.
2. Last Christmas– Really? We have to listen to co-dependent whining about a break up in a Christmas song? And from Wham?
3. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer– This has such a catchy tune. It’s too bad the family in this song belongs on a reality TV show.
4. Same Old Lang Syne– This is my pick for the absolute worst “Christmas” song (it really has nothing to do with Christmas) of all time. The only good thing I can say about this is, at least the people in the song didn’t actually have an affair. It’s bleak, it’s immoral, it’s depressing, and it’s the same four bars of melody over. and. over. and. over.
5. Must Have Been Old Santa Claus– “Happy ho, ho, ho to you.” Four. million. times. Kill me. Kill me now.
6. Baby, It’s Cold Outside– Because nothing says “Merry Christmas” like attempted date rape by a drink drugging letch.*
*(Baby, It’s Cold Outside was added to my original article Top 10 Worst Christmas Songs of All Time in 2014, long before the #MeToo movement, and long before the explanation of what the composer of Baby, It’s Cold Outside purportedly meant by it was in general circulation. My brief evaluation of this song is based solely on the impression I was left with by the lyrics, much the same way people took umbrage with Reckless Love based on the lyrics alone, despite Corey Asbury’s explanation of what he supposedly meant when he wrote it. I am not a liberal, a feminist, or on the #MeToo bandwagon. I’m confident my track record bears this out, and I’m appalled by accusations to the contrary based solely on my one sentence reaction to this song. Don’t go there.)
7. Santa Baby– They could have named this song “Sugar Daddy” or “Implied Sexual Favors in Exchange for Obscenely Expensive Gifts.” Same thing.
8. Mistletoe– I’m just going to make a rule right here, right now: no Christmas songs that force middle-aged people to go to Urban Dictionary to understand the lyrics. My kids had to explain to me what “shawty” means. Apparently, it’s similar to a “bae.”
9. Do They Know It’s Christmas?– Stop having Christmasy fun RIGHT NOW. Just STOP IT. Don’t you know there are people starving in Africa, you soulless oaf? And, seriously, who puts the word “doom” in a Christmas song?
10. Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s Christmas Canon– It pains me to list this one because I love TSO, I love children’s choirs, I love Pachelbel’s Canon in D, and I love the idea of trying to Christmas it up. But I would rather eat a ten year old fruitcake than listen to this.
11. Please, Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk this Christmas – I can just picture the artistic meetings that took place on this one: “We need a new Christmas song for your next album, John. Any ideas?” “How about a potential domestic violence case set to country music? That’ll fill everybody’s heart with Christmas cheer!”
12. Dominick the Donkey –
Dear Italy,
Please stick with what you do best – food and opera.
13. Happy X-Mas, War is Over (So This Is Christmas) – Excuse me, but I think you’re looking for Woodstock. Go back several decades and hang a left.
14. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas– Why not? I wanted a monkey for Christmas when I was a kid. I stand in solidarity with this kid and every other kid who wanted a ridiculous animal for Christmas and never got one. (To be honest, I think this song is kinda cute. I include it on behalf of all my readers who said it’s driving them to the loony bin.)
15. Hard Candy Christmas – Maybe I’ll wallpaper my bathroom. Maybe I’ll get a mohawk. Maybe I’ll eat cold Spaghettios right out of the can. MAKE👏UP👏YOUR👏MIND👏
16. Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time – There’s good 80’s synthesizer and there’s bad 80’s synthesizer. I’ll let you guess which one earned this song a spot on the list.
17. White Winter Hymnal – “It’s lyrically fairly meaningless.” That’s what the songwriter had to say about this song. Dude, lemme ‘splain you something about songwriting. When you have a cool piece of music like this, don’t waste it on meaningless lyrics. Collaborate with a good writer and make it an awesome song with meaning. (Let me also take this opportunity for my annual reminder: Pentatonix is not a Christian group, regardless of the songs they record. According to Pride magazine, “Two of Pentatonix’s members, Scott Hoying and Mitch Grassi, are openly gay, and the group vocally supports the LGBT community.”)
18. Driving Home for Christmas – This song is the musical equivalent of driving across west Texas. And by that, I mean – monotonous. (Sorry west Texas, but you know it’s true.) At least he didn’t regale us with the number of each mile marker as he passed it. Thank the Lord for small favors.
19. I’m Gettin’ Nuttin for Christmas – Quick! Somebody get the rod of correction – this kid is out of control! Cute, but not your best work, Shirl.
20. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – Kid witnesses Mom stepping out on Dad and is traumatized for life. Just one more reason not to lie to your kids about Santa Claus. (Tell them it’s Dad, ladies, and you can kiss him all you want! :0)
21. All I Want for Christmas Is You – I don’t know what kind of deal Mariah Carey made with every single one of the eleventy two million FM stations in the country to play this song every time anyone turns on the radio between November and January, but it was a doozy. Are you hearing it in your sleep yet? Is your dog singing the doo-wop parts?
(Full disclosure – This one made the list because you overwhelmingly demanded it. I actually dig it. It’s exactly the kind of mid-’50’s – early ’60’s flavor I love. Just not every time I turn around. Please don’t hate me. :0)
22. Mary, Did You Know? – I know, I know, some of y’all are going to unfollow me over this one. You love this song. I did too … the first nine thousand times I heard it or had to sing it in choir. And I think that’s probably the main reason so many of my followers requested that I put this one on the list. It’s been beaten to death like a too-stiff meringue.
Did she know? Did she not know? Let’s settle that argument once and for all:
Mary, did you know that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
No.
…would calm a storm with His hand?
No.
There are no Old Testament prophecies which predicted that the Messiah would walk on water or calm a storm.
The blind will see
The deaf will hear;
The dead will live again!
The lame will leap
The dumb will speak
The praises of the Lamb!
If Mary knew her Bible (and if you’ll check the cross-references to the Magnificat, it certainly seems she did), she most likely knew the Messiah (i.e. her “baby boy”) would do these things. However, she wasn’t omniscient and wouldn’t have known the specific timing or circumstances surrounding these healings and resurrections.
Everything else in the song (He would deliver her, He is Lord of all Creation, etc.) is either stated or implied in Old Testament prophecy about the Messiah (which Mary would probably have known), in Gabriel’s announcements to Mary and Joseph, or both.
So, yeah, except for the walking on water and calming the storm parts, she knew.
Debate over.
23. The Little Drummer Boy (Carol of the Drum) – You just know some man came up with the idea for this song, right? No mother in her right mind who’s just given birth – even Mary – would welcome some kid banging on a drum with the little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay. You would think that … but you would be wrong, because this song was written by one Katherine Kennicott Davis. I guess her kids were heavy sleepers.
(If you actually like drums, just not the song, check out this drumline version that partly drowns out the song. And, did you know they made a kids’ movie out of this cacophonous carol?)
24. Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town (the Bruce Springsteen version) – He sees you when you sing flat. He knows when you’re off key. He’s only leaving coal for you – naughty, naughty, naughty.
25. Do You Hear What I Hear? – Is the tail of the star as big as a kite, or as long as a kite’s tail? If the song had a voice as big as the sea, how could the shepherd boy help but hear it? In fact, how could he even hear the lamb asking him the question? And wouldn’t a talking lamb be more impressive than a song with the volume on high? How does a shepherd get an audience with the king? And why would he suggest silver and gold for a freezing baby instead of blankets or a nice snow suit? (Guess that’s why he’s a shepherd, not a king.)
I have questions.
26. The Cherry Tree Carol – This is called “writing under the influence,” kids. Mary’s a queen, Joseph’s got anger management issues, and Jesus speaks while in utero. Uh huh. Don’t tell me chemicals weren’t involved in that composition.
27. My Favorite Things – THIS IS NOT A CHRISTMAS SONG. You can put jingle bells behind it all the livelong day and it will still. never. be. a. Christmas. song. N-E-V-E-R. Only Julie Andrews is allowed to sing this song, and only in war-torn Austria. Did I mention it’s not a Christmas song? I said what I said.
28. Mary Was the First One to Carry the Gospel – Everything about this song is great but the hook. That is just 🤢.
This is why we can’t have nice things, fellow Southern gospel lovers.
29. The Most Inconvenient Christmas – Oh no. NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNO. Are you KIDDING me? These guys are professing Christians and they churn out this theological cataclysm? When something is “inconvenient,” that means it clashes with our previous plans, or it’s difficult to get done, or it doesn’t fit with our timetable, or we had to go out of our way to do it. And because of all that, it’s an unpleasant task that we’re reluctant to do.
Say it with me, sisters: NOTHING IS “INCONVENIENT” TO GOD. Nothing. He is the God who upholds the universe by the word of His power. He is omnipotent, omniscient, everlasting to everlasting, God Almighty, King of kings and Lord of lords who spoke all of Creation into existence. Sending His only Son into the world to live a perfect life and die a horrible, agonizing, bloody death for your sin and for mine was not “inconvenient” for God. It was His plan from eternity past. And it wasn’t difficult for Him. And He didn’t do it begrudgingly or reluctantly. He did it because He loves you that much, and He rightfully loves His own glory even more.
I’ve been an Oak Ridge Boys fan since I was a kid, but this is one of the most offensive songs I’ve ever heard. It impugns the very nature and character of God. It’s the Reckless Love of country Christmas music.
30. I Never Knew the Meaning of Christmas – I hate to break it to you guys, but you still don’t know the meaning of Christmas.
Dear Santa- Please bring these boys a Bible for Christmas.
31. Christmas Time Is Here– I have loved A Charlie Brown Christmas since I was a child, and the lyrics of the song are great, but this 1960’s piano lounge slow jazz is the musical equivalent of a 6 year old engulfed in ennui whining, “I’m boooooooooooooooored,” on a grey, drizzly winter day. It’s minor. It’s dissonant. It makes me want to open the back door and toss a kid out into a snow bank head first.
32. A Marshmallow World– This is another one I added simply due to reader demand, but I really think y’all are wrong on this one. This is a cute song. Who doesn’t love marshmallows, whipped cream, and sugar dates with your sweetie? (“People who live in Wisconsin and spend their winters shoveling those mounds of marshmallows off the driveway, Michelle!”)
33. Grown Up Christmas List– “…and my greatest desire is world peace,” you can almost hear the beauty pageant contestant gushing. My grown up Christmas list includes a new toaster and a gift certificate for having my carpets cleaned. Am I supposed to feel guilty about that?
(I’m posting the Amy Grant version because it gets extra “worst” points for the schmaltzy synthesizer and tug-at-your-heartstrings kiddies with candles, but also because, as she’s a professing Believer who – among other things – is perversion-affirming, I wanted to let you know, if you didn’t already, Amy is one to be avoided.)
34. Redneck 12 Days of Christmas– I’m all for tacky and twangy, but … yeah, that’s just annoying.
35. Dogs Barking Jingle Bells– I wouldn’t want to listen to it more than once every few years, but I just think this one is funny. Listed by popular demand. (Plus, when you search for this song on YouTube, you wind up with a bunch of hilarious videos of animals “singing” Christmas songs.)
36. Silent Night by the Temptations– Silent Night makes nearly everybody’s list of favorite Christmas carols, but honey. Come on. This is a really bad rendition of a really good song. I happen to like the Temptations, so I was a little surprised when this song was nominated, but what they did to this lovely song … well let’s just say “temptation” is apropos. You’ll face all sorts of temptation listening to this… the temptation to stuff your ears with cotton … the temptation to flee screaming … the temptation to throw your phone across the room to just. for. the. love. MAKE IT STOP.
37. It Was A… (Masked Christmas)– A Christmas song about COVID-19 lockdowns. Is there any Christmas we’d like to remember LESS? And what’s an Ariana Grande? Sounds like something you’d order at Starbucks. (Honestly, I wanted to put the first Ariana Grande Christmas song I came across on this list, but the lyrics were too perverse to share with you. In a Christmas song. Let that sink in.)
New this year!
38. Santa Tell Me– I don’t have any funny little quips for this one because it’s just sad. This young lady needs Jesus so badly. If you have a few seconds, please pray for Ariana Grande’s salvation. The lyrics of this song sound like a prayer to Santa Claus. Santa doesn’t exist, isn’t omniscient, and can’t tell you whether you’ll still be with that same guy next year.
I had to post the lyric video of this song because, although the lyrics are fairly innocuous, the official music video contained some inappropriate material. Don’t watch it.
39. Jingle Bells? by Barbra Streisand– Nominated by my dear sister, Amy Spreeman, in our 2023 Christmas episode A (Word Fitly Spoken) Christmas Carol (see below). Can she call ’em or can she call ’em? As I said in the episode, this is a perfect musical illustration of what bi-polar disorder is like. (The video is awfully cute, though. Peep the titles of many of Babs’ films on signage, sweaters, etc.)
40. Hallelujah– Another fairly meaningless song from Pentatonix. (Did I mention this is not a Christian group? Oh yeah, I did, in #17.). It has nothing to do with Christmas; best I can tell, the lyricist has confused David with Samson in the second verse; he threw in some random phraseology (which I guess he thinks is metaphorical imagery, but it’s really just literary gibberish) about relationships; and then he peppered the whole mess with the word “Hallelujah,” which literally means “Praise the Lord”. I don’t get it, and I don’t think the songwriter or Pentatonix get it either.
Bonus!
Listen in to A (Word Fitly Spoken) Christmas Carol, and hear both Amy’s and my nominations for the worst (and best) Christmas songs!
