christian singles marriage – Michelle Lesley

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The Single’s Advantage
by Bob Wheatley

I used to think Paul was ridiculous.

He was God’s chosen apostle, a mouthpiece to the Gentiles, yet I somehow still found him offensive. What caused me to scoff at this heralded saint? It was not the beatings, the shipwrecks, or the hardships he faced. It was not his devotion, conversion, or capacity for love. Oh no. My contempt for this man stemmed from one page of Scripture, and a teaching that I loathed to my core.

Addressing the Christians at the church of Corinth, the apostle Paul once wrote:

“To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am … I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided … I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord. —1 Corinthians 7:8, 32–34, 35 ESV

I could not believe what my eyes were reading. How could anyone believe that being single is better than being married? That thought seemed so foreign, so impossible to me, that it actually caused me to doubt my own level of faith.

If I couldn’t be joyful in singleness, then was my faith far weaker than I thought it was? Was I less of a Christian if I struggled with singleness?

But then, sure enough, my excuses came to the rescue. I knew that Paul had navigated his entire ministry without a woman at his side, but the truth is, Paul had a connection to the Lord that we cannot fathom—and all for good reason, of course.

The risen Jesus had physically appeared to Paul on the road to Damascus (Acts 9). As most theologians will attest, it was also Paul who had seen God, face-to-face, when he was caught up into the third heaven (2 Corinthians 12).

Those excuses were my reason to not take Paul’s words seriously.

Who knows, Paul? I joked to myself. Maybe even I could forsake companionship, sex, and the blessings of marriage if I too had been snatched into heaven!

But that wasn’t true. If I’m being honest, I did not want to go deeper with God.

I really just wanted a wife.

Without experiencing a miraculous vision on the road to Damascus, I would not allow Paul’s words to dissuade me.

But then, everything turned upside down.

My Hero of the Faith

One afternoon, I was reading a book by Eric Metaxas¹. The book was called Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy. This book told the story of a German pastor, living during World War II under the Nazi regime. The name of this German was Dietrich Bonhoeffer¹, and his testimony would change my life.

I had never experienced a book like Bonhoeffer.

Like most readers, I often resonate with characters in a book in some form or fashion. It is one of the things I love most about books. Whether fiction or fact, novel or biography, I find nuggets and nuances that can bind me to characters.

It was C. S. Lewis² who once said, “In reading great literature I become a thousand men and yet remain myself.” And yet, my reading of Bonhoeffer felt deeper than that.

With nearly every word I read, I saw a clearer and clearer reflection of myself. It never stopped! Whispers and subtlety soon gave way to weirdness.

Dietrich’s spirit, habits, passions, and faults—somehow, I possessed them all:

His mind operated in black and white

His tongue often spoke in absolutes

His bedroom, like mine, was fit for a Spartan

In this young, fiery pastor, I had found a more righteous, more accomplished, more intelligent version of me.

Though separated by time and a great many miles, I had found my new hero of the faith. But the game would soon turn sour.

The Single’s Advantage

I soon came across a different quote, and it ended my honeymoon instantly. This quote was made by another pastor who was a mentor and friend of Bonhoeffer’s.

He found the young Dietrich to be “quite outstanding,” and he praised him with the utmost enthusiasm. But it was the subsequent line, coming just one sentence later, that challenged my view of the world.

Still speaking of Bonhoeffer, the pastor said:

“He has in addition the special Pauline advantage in that he is unmarried.”

The Pauline what?

There I was, reading Bonhoeffer, still enchanted by a wiser and much grander “me,” only to be confronted by my greatest private struggle. Like Bonhoeffer before me, I, too, was unmarried. My extended season of singleness—which had lasted for years at that point—felt like more of a punishment than a “Pauline advantage.”

And yet, there I was, reading of another man—and a godly man, at that—who affirmed Paul’s words from 1 Corinthians 7. Heckel praised Dietrich Bonhoeffer because he was single.

How could that possibly be?

As I pondered that question, I considered Paul’s words that had irked me so much. “I say this for your own benefit,” he had said to his readers. And what benefit did he say that singleness could bring?

“An undivided devotion to the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:35 ESV).

Paul’s words had presented a fork in the road. They forced me to wrestle with some sensitive questions: Could I call myself a Christian while ignoring Paul’s letter? How might my life have to change if his opinions were true? And then, the most dangerous question of all:

What if my singleness was an advantage?

That was the day my quest began. I had made my decision, right then and there, to simply take Paul at his word. I would try to find purpose in my season of singleness.

Top Three Advantages of Being Single

What happened next was nothing short of radical. I decided that I would no longer be consumed with seeking a wife. Instead, my focus would be much simpler than that: I simply would focus on Jesus.

Day by day, I saw my character being changed from the inside out. What once felt like torture turned into a blessing.

I ended up writing an entire book on the subject, but here are the three top “advantages” that I’ve found in my singleness:

1. MORE TIME FOR GOD

The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided.” —1 Corinthians 7:32-34 ESV

I have a number of newly-married friends who have affirmed this reality for me.

Sometimes, these friends simply do not have the time to read their Bibles in the morning. They lose out on quiet time. They can’t pray as much as they did while unmarried.

The single Christian—although potentially facing more loneliness—certainly has more time to seek the Lord.

Are you taking advantage of the time that you have?

2. MORE TIME FOR YOU

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” —Ephesians 2:10 ESV

Relationships take up a lot of time. In both dating and marriage relationships alike, our time must be shared with the person at our side.

When our interests are “divided,” we have less time in the day to serve our church, discover our passions, develop our skills, advance professionally, or wait on the Lord to reveal His will.

In your season of singleness, you have the unique ability to discover your gifts, talents, passions, and burdens.

What works do you think God has “prepared in advance” for you? Ask Him to guide you to His will for your life!

3. MORE TIME FOR SUFFERING

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. —Hebrews 12:11 ESV

I realize that this claim might feel stark, but stick with me here.

Make no mistake, it is actually suffering, not pleasure, that develops our character into holiness.

In fact, Hebrews 2:10 even says that Jesus Himself was made perfect through suffering.

By walking through our seasons of singleness, God is molding and shaping us into His image.

All pain is painful, but not all pain is harmful.

You can trust your Father to make the most of this season.

Final Thoughts

Thanks to the apostle Paul and Dietrich Bonhoeffer, I took a radical approach to my season of singleness. I made a concerted effort to give Jesus my heart. Nothing was off limits. Everything was His. My heart, soul, mind, and strength were focused on the One that I longed for.

What I had not realized before is that in my season of singleness, God has given me the time and space to seek Him, walk with Him, and grow my trust in Him.

And then, one day, after months and years of seeking the Lord, the reality finally hit me: I was living the Pauline advantage.

And now, you can be as well.

¹Note from Michelle: There are doctrinal/biblical issues with both Eric Metaxas and Dietrich Bonhoeffer, which the reader may research on her own if she wishes. The publication of this guest post should not be construed as my recommendation of either of these men as doctrinally sound teachers to follow.

² Note from Michelle: C.S. Lewis

Bob Wheatley is a bestselling author, keynote speaker, and former professional athlete. His work has been featured on Way-FM, The FISH, KCBI Christian Radio, ESPN, FOX Sports, and various other international outlets. He lives in Nashville, Tennessee.

Bob has graciously offered the audiobook version of his book, Single-Minded: Finding Purpose & Strength in Your Season of Singleness, free of charge to my readers. Thank you, Bob! Click HERE to download.

Mailbag

The Mailbag: You can’t always get what you want, but Jesus is all you need.

April 23, 2024April 20, 2024 Michelle Lesley

I found this article because I am a Christian single 37 year old woman. I have yet to meet a man that would be a suitable partner. And by that I mean everyone I’ve dated over the last two decades has shown major red flags I can not in good conscience ignore. Impossibly entitled/self oriented, pushing for sex without commitment/marriage, all taking no giving, general apathy, not marriage minded, secret addiction issues… You name it. I’ve seen it. And as soon as I do see it I don’t stick around long. I really have done everything I can think of and stayed out of trouble.

In any case, the church has no great answers for single women who are running out of time and followed all the rules so to speak. What is life even supposed to look like without a family… without a husband? Are we to marry bad men if good ones aren’t available? Are we to forgo the joys and meaning of rearing our children and creating life? The highest and most sacred calling the church asks of women? I feel quite powerless, and I’m beginning to get twinges of resentment towards men in general for failing me and many other great women. All the families and children that will never be. Life’s natural and beautiful progressions and chapters cannot take place without a good husband. The enormity of the grief I’m beginning to feel if I don’t meet someone in time is beyond comprehension. If you were to get a call one day and learn your husband and children all died… It’s like that. Except you didn’t even get to have any time with them in your life at all. Let that sink in before you judge or talk someone out of making the best out of a less than ideal situation to make a family. Get mad at the men. No one wants to do it alone. I’m sure this wasn’t her preferred plan. Or start speaking to what God’s plan is for single women. Cause mathematically there’s more single Christian ladies than single men and this outcome is quite inevitable and predictable. Yet the church stays quiet or rails on about getting married which causes a great silent pain in many hearts like mine… To whom shall I marry?

My dear sister, my heart goes out to you in your pain. Although I felt much the same way before I met my husband, I was much younger than you are, and I was not single as long as you have been. So, I won’t say I know how you feel, because I don’t. But I do sympathize. I understand that your pain is very real, and though I wish there were something I could do to alleviate it, I can’t.

But Jesus can.

I don’t mean that in some trite, Pollyanna way. I mean that in the way Scripture means it. You must find your contentment, your completeness, your satisfaction, in Christ, despite your circumstances. And that goes for all of us, because all of us suffer in one way or another. So let’s all take a look at God’s way of working through these types of difficult situations.

You must find your contentment, your completeness, your satisfaction, in Christ, *despite* your circumstances.
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You must be born again.

I’m not accusing you of not being a Christian because of your question or the way you expressed yourself. But I don’t know you. And on the internet: anyone can claim to be anything, a lot of people don’t have a biblical definition of the word “Christian,” and there are a lot of false converts out there. So I never assume that someone who says she’s a Christian has actually been born again. Besides that, I just like sharing the gospel.

If, for some reason, you (or anyone reading this) have never heard the biblical gospel and responded to it in repentance and faith in Christ, you must do that today. Immediately. Your eternity is at stake. Additionally, you will never find the peace and contentment you seek if you are not in Christ.

Click on the What must I do to be saved? tab in the blue menu bar at the top of this page, and prayerfully work your way through it. When you get finished with that, work through my Bible study on assurance: Am I Really Saved? A First John Check Up.

Become a faithful, active, member of a doctrinally sound local church.

Not just any church. A doctrinally sound church.

If I had to guess from some of the thoughts and phraseology in your comment, I would guess you’re either not in church right now or not in a doctrinally sound church. Why?

In a doctrinally sound church, you don’t find that “everyone” of the single men are “impossibly entitled/self oriented, pushing for sex without commitment/marriage, all taking no giving, general apathy, not marriage minded, secret addiction issues…”. Generally speaking, men like that aren’t saved and don’t hang around doctrinally sound churches.

Additionally, if you were in a doctrinally sound church, you would have been taught and discipled not to date men like that because they’re most likely not saved, and Scripture commands you not to be unequally yoked in marriage with an unbeliever.

Furthermore, this: Let that sink in before you judge or talk someone out of making the best out of a less than ideal situation to make a family. Get mad at the men... is patently unbiblical. I realize you may have just been venting and didn’t really mean it, but you did not learn this line of thinking in a doctrinally sound church. This is pragmatism and bitterness. Christians do not “make the best out of” anything by sinning. Christians obey God even when their flesh wants to do something else. And my telling a Christian that is not “judging,” it’s biblical instruction.

You need to immerse yourself in a doctrinally sound local church immediately.

I want to be very clear that I am not telling you to join a good church in order to catch a good husband (although you certainly have a much better chance of that if you’re in a good church).

I’m telling you to join a good church a) because it is every Christian’s obligation and privilege to be joined to a doctrinally sound church, and b) because a solid church will train you, help you, encourage you to learn to be content in Christ, and will comfort you in your pain when you’re having a rough day.

Click on Searching for a new church? in the blue menu bar at the top of this page. If you’re already a member of a church, start reading the resources in the What to look for in a church section, and see if your church matches up. If it doesn’t, or if you’re currently disobeying God’s command not to forsake the assembly, repent and scroll back up to the church search engines section. (I’d recommend starting with Founders first, then G3, then The Master’s Seminary, then the others.)

Pursue Christ, not a husband.

…The highest and most sacred calling the church asks of women?

The highest and most sacred calling a doctrinally sound church will call women and men to is to pursue Christ. For a church or an individual to put anything ahead of pursuing Christ is idolatry.

I know what you’re going through grieves you, but you’re going to be even more miserable if you continually focus on what you don’t have – a husband and children – than what you do have as a Believer – Christ. Discontent – in any circumstance – only makes things worse. Believe me, I’ve been there.

You’re going to be even more miserable if you continually focus on what you don’t have -a husband and children- than what you do have as a Believer- Christ. Discontent -in any circumstance- only makes things worse.
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Focus your life on pursuing Christ. Get up every day and study the Word. Spend copious amounts of time in prayer. Faithfully attend and serve your church. Share the gospel. Disciple younger women. Be consumed with Christ and you won’t be consumed by discontent.

Be consumed with Christ and you won’t be consumed by discontent.
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RSVP to the Pity Party:
☑️ Will Not Attend

Brace yourself. It’s time for a little tough love. For all of us:

Suck it up, buttercup. Yes, your suffering is real and not unimportant. Yes, it’s excruciating at times. But nowhere in Scripture will you find God saying that self-pity is a godly pastime. And you’re not the only one out there who’s suffering. Look to Christ. He suffered far more than any of us, yet He didn’t feel sorry for Himself. In His season of greatest suffering, He served.

…Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.

Therefore, let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.

1 Peter 2:21b-23, 4:19

Recently, I was reading several related psalms, and I noticed the repeated phrase, “I will lift up my eyes”. Stop the narcissistic navel gazing and lift your eyes up to Christ crucified for your sins, raised for your justification, ascended into Heaven, and seated at the right hand of God. And then look around you at the people He would have you serve, following in His steps.

Self-pity leads to bitterness. Just say no.

You can’t always get what you want.

We all have to face up to the fact that just because we want something doesn’t mean that’s what God wants for us. You may never get married. Some women are unable to bear children. I have a friend who has been disabled all his life. There are lots of things he wanted to be able to do, physically, that he’s never been able to do. I have another friend who will never have grandchildren because of the choices her children have made. God is denying me something in my own life right now -maybe permanently- and it’s extraordinarily painful.

We all have to face up to the fact that just because we want something doesn’t mean that’s what God wants for us. And He is still good.
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And He is still good. Everything He does in our lives is for His glory and our good. He knows what’s best for us. The question is,

will we submit to what He wants rather than insisting on what we want?
will we trust that He knows, far better than we do, what’s best for us?
do we want Him more than we want that thing we’re so desperate for?

Being a Christian means surrendering everything we are, and everything we want, to Christ to do with as He pleases. What do we get in return? We get Him. And He is far more than enough.

Being a Christian means surrendering everything we are, and everything we want, to Christ to do with as He pleases. What do we get in return? We get Him. And He is far more than enough.
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Let’s get specific…

What is life even supposed to look like without a family… without a husband?

It is supposed to look like a godly single woman pursuing Christ, being content in Christ, and loving and serving her family, friends, and church.

Are we to marry bad men if good ones aren’t available?

Of course not. Even pagans know better than that, and certainly no doctrinally sound Christian or church would suggest such a thing, especially when the Bible commands otherwise.

Are we to forgo the joys and meaning of rearing our children and creating life?

Yes. If God doesn’t see fit for you to marry, you are absolutely to forgo those joys and meanings. You are to joyfully open your hand, let go, and sacrifice those things to Him knowing that He has something different for your life. Something that will bring more glory to Him and will consequently be better for you.

I’m beginning to get twinges of resentment towards men in general for failing me and many other great women.

Stop that right now. That is, indeed, sinful resentment. Repent of that. You also need to examine your heart and consider whether or not your desire for marriage has risen to the level of coveteousness. Demanding, idolizing, and fretting over something God has told you “no” about right now is coveting. If that’s what’s happening, repent.

“Men in general” have not failed you or anyone else. Stop blaming them. God is sovereign over every atom of this universe. If He wanted you to be married right now, you would be.

All the families and children that will never be.

There are precisely the number of families and children God wants there to be. God decides that, not people.

Life’s natural and beautiful progressions and chapters cannot take place without a good husband.

No, marriage’s natural and beautiful progressions and chapters cannot take place without a good husband. Just because you don’t have a husband doesn’t mean you don’t have a life. You have a life that, right now, is to be lived for the glory of God as a single woman. And that life is not devoid of beauty. God don’t make ugly, honey.

The enormity of the grief I’m beginning to feel if I don’t meet someone in time is beyond comprehension.

Yes, your grief is valid and real. It is also to come under the lordship of Christ and not consume you. When grief overwhelms you, praise Him. Worship Him. Thank Him. Remember His promises. Ask Him to get that grief under control and put it where it belongs: at His nail-pierced feet.

Ask God to get that grief under control and put it where it belongs: at His nail-pierced feet.
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I would encourage you to read through and pray through the Psalms, especially the ones in which the psalmist cries out to God in the dark night of his soul. Nearly all of them end with him praising God. And so many of those psalms, and others, encourage us to “wait upon the Lord”.

Waiting upon the Lord is not running ten miles down the road from what He’s currently doing in your life and hollering after Him to hurry up and catch up with you, while you impatiently tap your foot and drum your fingers. Waiting upon the Lord is what we see Israel doing during their forty years in the wilderness. When the pillar of cloud set out, they would follow it to their next destination. When it stopped, they set up camp and waited for it to move again. A day. A couple of weeks. A few months. Whatever length of time it took.

“In time” is God’s time. Trusting Him includes trusting His timing.

Trusting God includes trusting His timing.
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If you were to get a call one day and learn your husband and children all died… It’s like that. Except you didn’t even get to have any time with them in your life at all.

It’s nothing like that. Refusing to be content in Christ in the season of life in which He has currently placed you is not comparable to grieving the loss of my husband and children. Now, if, after I had lost them, I refused to be content in that new season of my life, that would be comparable.

Let that sink in before you judge or talk someone out of making the best out of a less than ideal situation to make a family.

Again, this is not biblical. You are speaking from fleshly grief and self pity, not from the mind of Christ or the Word of God. You’re lashing out at me because you’re hurting.

When I tell someone that the Bible says something is sin and she can’t do it, I’m not offering my biased, subjective personal opinion and pragmatic advice, nor am I “judging” her. I’m telling her what God says because I love her.

You can’t make the best out of a bad situation by sinning. You can only make the best out of a bad situation by obeying God’s Word. Sinning just makes a bad situation worse.

You can’t make the best out of a bad situation by sinning. You can only make the best out of a bad situation by obeying God’s Word. Sinning just makes a bad situation worse.
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Get mad at the men.

No. It is not “the men’s” fault that you’re single or that the woman in the IVF article defied God’s plan for the family or chose to abuse a child by intentionally denying him a father. Stop blaming other people for the season of life God has sovereignly put you in, bow the knee to Him, and find your contentment in Christ.

No one wants to do it alone. I’m sure this wasn’t her preferred plan.

Is that what she’s going to say when she stands before God on Judgment Day? “So what if I defied You? I didn’t want to do it alone. This wasn’t my preferred plan.”.

This is pragmatism and excuse making.

Or start speaking to what God’s plan is for single women.

Honey, I’m one of the few doctrinally sound voices out there who is speaking to what God’s plan is for single women. And married women. And divorced women. And widowed women. And childless women. And women with children. And disabled women. And able bodied women. And women who stay home. And women who work outside the home. And…

Single women aren’t a special class of Christian, and neither are any of the other categories I just named. God’s plan for all of us is to wake up every day and live in obedience to His Word in whatever circumstances He has sovereignly placed us in. Period. That’s God’s plan for you, single woman.

And furthermore, I did speak specifically to what God’s plan was for the single woman in the IVF article and you didn’t like it. You accused me of being unsympathetic and judgmental. You can’t have it both ways.

Cause mathematically there’s more single Christian ladies than single men and this outcome is quite inevitable and predictable.

Sin. God’s will. Obedience to Scripture. None of these things are determined by statistics, by the ends justifying the means, or by pragmatism. They’re determined by God’s written Word.

Yet the church stays quiet or rails on about getting married which causes a great silent pain in many hearts like mine.

Forget what “the church” is or isn’t doing. You don’t have to listen to “the church,” you only need to concern yourself with your church. If your church is either unbiblically staying quiet or unbiblically railing on about getting married, talk to your pastor about your concerns and, if nothing changes, find a doctrinally sound church.

If your church is teaching biblically about marriage, you’re the one who needs to change. Ask God to help you. Stay in the Word and in prayer. Set up an appointment for counsel with your pastor. Find a godly older woman in your church – preferably one who’s single, if possible – to disciple you.

If you’re currently forsaking the assembly, sweep around your own front door, stop blaming “the church,” repent, and join a doctrinally sound church.

To whom shall I marry?

You’re asking the wrong question. Stop coveting a husband and start asking God how you can bloom where He has planted you. How you can glorify Him by submitting your will to His. How you can honor Him by your obedience to Scripture.

God never promised us a bed of roses on this earth. He told us to count the cost.

Now let’s all pick up our crosses and get moving. There’s Kingdom work to be done.

Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him.

1 Corinthians 7:17a

If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.