Do you have any suggestions for things my church can do for our pastors during Pastor Appreciation Month?
October is Pastor Appreciation Month (PAM). It always sneaks up on me, so big thank you’s to the reader who wrote in with a question related to PAM and jogged my terrible memory. We don’t want to forget our wonderful pastors!
I ran the articles below last week, so today is a bit of a review, plus some additional information. So you have the whole month of October to implement any of these ideas that would be a fit for your pastors and your church, and most of them require very little planning time.
“I’m so glad somebody thought up the idea of Pastor Appreciation Month and made it a thing. If you’ve never been a pastor (or been married to one), it’s difficult to adequately convey just how simultaneously challenging, joyful, devastating, frustrating, and fulfilling it can be. If you have a good pastor, who rightly divides God’s Word and is a man of godly character, you are very blessed. Here are ten ways you can show your pastors your gratitude, appreciation, and encouragement…”
“Are you thankful for your pastor and a church that rightly handles God’s word? Are you telling anybody you’re thankful? Are you telling your pastor? Here are eleven ways you can encourage your pastor…”
“The pastor isn’t the only person on your church’s staff who needs your support. So does your minister of music. And, having been married to one for over twenty years, I can tell you there aren’t manyarticles out there letting you know how church members can encourage their ministers of music. Ready to show some love? Here are seven ways you can be an encouragement to your minister of music…”
Is it OK if I print out and copy one (or more) of these articles?
Yes! You are always welcome to print out and make as many copies as you like of any article, Bible study, etc., you find here at the blog. (My article, Top 10 Ways to Pray for Your Pastor might make a nice bulletin insert during PAM.) All I ask is that you not change the content of any article, and that you stick my name (Michelle Lesley) and web address (MichelleLesley.com) on there somewhere. I’ve explained the reasons for this as well as tips for printing articles here (3rd section).
Just a few more points about PAM:
All three of these articles make this point, but I want to reiterate it here. If you’re going to do a big hoopla for PAM, please be sure all efforts are coordinated, none of your pastors are left out, and that there isn’t a huge discrepancy in the gifts you present various staff members (e.g. you get the pastor a new car and the minister of music gets a Hallmark card).
My husband was once on staff at a church as minister of music. There were only two other staff members, the pastor and the youth pastor. At the end of worship service one Sunday in October, the congregation as a whole ceremoniously presented the pastor with a gift for PAM. Then some of the youth called the youth pastor up to the front and presented him with a gift for PAM from the youth group and their parents. And nothing was said about, or done for, my husband. It was extremely discouraging to him, not because he didn’t get a gift, but because he felt ignored and unappreciated. Make sure you handle PAM sensitively and appropriately. You don’t want what started out as an act of encouragement to end up discouraging any of your pastors.
If you get your pastor a book or decide to send him to a conference, be sure to vet the author, speakers, and conference organization for sound doctrine first. I would recommend books and materials by any of the men listed at the Recommended Bible Teachers tab in the blue menu bar at the top of this page. Some super, doctrinally sound conferences you might consider: the G3 Conference, Shepherds’ Conference, a Founders Conference, one of Ligonier’s Conferences, or a smaller regional or local conference. (And if you do decide to send him to a conference, make sure he’s actually able to attend before purchasing anything that’s non-refundable.)
Don’t just encourage and appreciate your pastors during the month of October. They need it all year long! If your church can’t afford to do something big and expensive for PAM (or even if it can) make October the kick-off month for a year full of encouragement for your pastors – have church members commit to pray regularly for your pastors from this October to next October (and then have them re-up next year!), make October the dedicated month for church members to sign up to serve your pastors in some way during each of the next 12 months. (Maybe this year various families sign up to bring each of the pastors a meal a month. Next year, maybe it’s monthly yard work or babysitting or house cleaning, etc.)
Let’s be sure to appreciate and encourage our pastors during PAM and all year long!
If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.
“…when you unapologetically stand for Christ and the truth of His Word, you will not only face a full frontal attack from the world, you’ll also risk being stabbed in the back by those you thought were comrades in arms.
Dealing with and responding to those attacks – that’s what spiritual warfareis. Not this modern, ridiculous, NAR-inspired version of “binding” Satan and bellowing commands into the air as though you have the power and the authority to boss the devil around (Even Michael the archangel wouldn’t go there.). We’re called to be good soldiers of Christ Jesus, not the Commander.
As good soldiers in the Lord’s army (yes sir!) real, biblical spiritual warfare is being protected and prepared in the spirit to righteously and courageously walk out biblical truth on the battlefield of whatever tangible circumstances God has placed you in.”
After reading this, one of my Facebook followers had a question about spiritual warfare that I thought others might be wondering about, too. Here are her question and my (edited for The Mailbag) answer to her:
Can we, in Jesus’ name, order the devil out of our house?
Is it OK to rebuke Satan, order him out of your house, or even talk to him at all? No.
Is it OK to rebuke Satan, order him out of your house, or even talk to him at all? No. That is an unbiblical belief and practice of the heretical New Apostolic Reformation (NAR) movement. No passage of Scripture teaches us to do that, and it is not spiritual warfare as taught by the Bible. Rather, Scripture tells us:
Yet in like manner these people also, relying on their dreams, defile the flesh, reject authority, and blaspheme the glorious ones. But when the archangel Michael, contending with the devil, was disputing about the body of Moses, he did not presume to pronounce a blasphemous judgment, but said, “The Lord rebuke you.” But these people blaspheme all that they do not understand, and they are destroyed by all that they, like unreasoning animals, understand instinctively.
Jude 8-10
And the Lord said to Satan, “The Lord rebuke you, O Satan! The Lord who has chosen Jerusalem rebuke you! Is not this a brand plucked from the fire?”
Zechariah 3:2
For context, it would probably be helpful to give the entire book of Jude a good study, but, simply put, “these people” verses 8 and 10 of Jude mention are basically the same sort of people you’ll find practicing NAR beliefs today. “Relying on their dreams,” rejecting the authority of Scripture, and blaspheming God every time they attribute false doctrine and fake “signs and wonders” to Him. People, who, in their spiritual arrogance, think they have the authority to bind and rebuke Satan, drive him out, etc., along with all the other typical NAR beliefs that go hand in hand with that – supposedly speaking things into existence, performing “miracles,” making “trips to Heaven,” and so on. That’s who verses 8 and 10 are talking about. Verse 9 provides a contrast to them, saying that even Michael, the mightiest archangel who stands in the very presence of God, would not dare to do such things. He left the rebuking of Satan to the Lord. The point of the passage is that, if Michael wouldn’t even rebuke Satan, then we definitely shouldn’t. That’s God’s place, not ours.
If the archangel Michael wouldn’t even rebuke Satan, then we definitely shouldn’t. That’s God’s place, not ours.
The simplest and best way to approach this issue is to keep all your focus on Christ and let Him deal with whatever you think might be the devil or demons.
If you find yourself in a difficult situation, or feeling tempted to sin, or feeling scared or whatever the case may be, God’s way is not for you to turn your mind to wondering if it’s a Satanic (or demonic) attack or what you should say to him to rebuke him. God’s way is for you to turn your mind completely in the other direction – to Christ. We know this because this is what the entirety of Scripture teaches. Pray and ask God to help you resist temptation, or not to feel scared, or to help you through the difficult situation. Praise Him. “Count your blessings” by thanking Him for all the ways He has blessed you. Worship Him and sing to Him. Memorize Scriptures that comfort and help you, and recite them. That’s what Scripture teaches us, and that’s God’s prescription for any situation you face. The rest of that stuff is just the false, unbiblical teaching of man.
If you’re in a church where Christians are “rebuking Satan” or constantly talking about it, and they’re not being corrected by the pastor and elders, the church you’re in is probably not doctrinally sound. I have never visited or been a member of a doctrinally sound church where this was an issue (unless someone asked about it to correct a friend who believed it or something like that), but I’ve visited plenty of wayward churches where it was an accepted or encouraged practice.
Not sure where your church stands? I would encourage you to go to my Searching for a new church? tab in the blue menu bar at the top of this page. Begin studying the “What to look for in a church” section, and see if your church matches up. If it does, great! I would suggest making an appointment with your pastor to get some guidance on this issue of rebuking Satan. If it doesn’t, you may need to scroll up on that page to the church search engines and begin looking for a new, doctrinally sound church to join.
If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.
Is there such a thing as a church without cliques?? Should I just give up and accept it? If so, what is the proper Christian perspective to handling the situation? After years in the same church and being very involved, I am still considered an outsider.
How do you navigate a cliquish church? When it’s challenging to form friendships, are cliques always the culprit? Need some tips for making friends at church?
I know your situation feels lonely and discouraging, and I hate for any Christian to feel that way in church. Let me see if I can help you, as well as others who may not feel very close to their brothers and sisters at church.
There are some churches (not all, and not even the majority) that are cliquish and unwelcoming to new members. What I’ve typically seen is that this is more common in small churches where most people have been long time or lifelong members going back several generations in their family, especially when that type of church is small and rural and doesn’t have a lot of turnover (new people joining, members moving away or moving to another church, etc.).
They’ve all known each other all their lives, they know all the stories, all the history, and all the inside jokes, and they’re comfortable the way they are. Bringing a new member in and getting her up to speed seems like a monumental task, and they’re relationally lazy, so they don’t put forth the effort to get to know new people.
Let me clearly say that if this is going on at any church in any Christian individual, it is wrong and sinful. Christians are to be hospitable and welcoming. It should be second nature to us.
Christians are to be hospitable and welcoming. It should be second nature to us.
Hospitality is required of pastors in both of the lists of pastoral qualifications (1 Timothy 3:2 / Titus 1:8), which means that if your pastor isn’t hospitable, he’s disqualified from the office of pastor. That’s how seriously God takes hospitality and your pastor’s role to lead the way in hospitality.
We see in 1 Timothy 5:10 that hospitality was such a vital trait of Christian character that it was a requirement for Christian widows to receive assistance from the church.
And then we have direct instructions to the church and Christian individuals to pursue and practice hospitality:
Let love be without hypocrisy—by abhorring what is evil, clinging to what is good, being devoted to one another in brotherly love, giving preference to one another in honor, not lagging behind in diligence, being fervent in spirit, serving the Lord, rejoicing in hope, persevering in affliction, being devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, pursuing hospitality.
Romans 12:9-13
Pursuing hospitality is listed right alongside things like serving the Lord and being devoted to prayer, showing us it’s just as important as those things, and that it should be just as normative to the Christian life as those things.
Let love of the brothers continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers…
Hebrews 13:1-2a
“Do not,” or “Thou shalt not,” if you prefer. That’s a biblical command, not a suggestion, not an option.
Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without grumbling. As each one has received a gift, employ it in serving one another…
1 Peter 4:8-10a
Be hospitable. Just do it – and without grumbling – period. That’s also a command of God.
Christians are to welcome others because Christ has welcomed us. If you’d like to learn more about biblical hospitality, I welcome you (😀) to listen in to our two part A Word Fitly Spoken podcast episode, Hospitality- part 1 and part 2.
Christians are to welcome others because Christ has welcomed us.
If you’re a member of a church that’s sinning by refusing to be hospitable, set the example! (This is a phenomenal way women can lead in the church: by setting a godly example!) No, you don’t have to have any special “gift” of hospitality. Yes, it’s required of all Christians – just like any other biblical command – even if you consider yourself to be an introvert (like me). In fact, if you’re an introvert and God has opened your eyes – and seemingly your eyes alone – to the fact that your church is failing at hospitality, buckle up. God is probably about to kill two birds with one stone: sanctifying you out of some of your introverted tendencies and sanctifying your church into being hospitable.
How can you set an example of hospitality at church? (We also cover this in the podcast episodes linked above.)
Always get to church a little early and stay a little afterwards so you can mingle with everyone. Introduce yourself to people you don’t know. Take an interest in what they’re saying. Ask them questions. Ask them if there’s anything for which you can pray for them.
In addition to the fact that we’re supposed to be praying for one another anyway, this is a great way to connect more intimately with people. Ask how you can pray for the person you’re talking to. Pray for her all week. When you see her next Sunday, follow up: “How did the job interview go?” “Are you feeling better from your cold?” Whatever.
Sometimes you have to be the one to initiate a new relationship. When you make the first move to demonstrate that you care for someone, it can jump start her interest in you.
The lady who sent in this question and did a super job of stepping out and doing something else I’m going to recommend: get involved in church activities and serving. Like praying for one another, serving and investing yourself in the church is something you’re already supposed to be doing anyway. A great by-product of getting involved is that it’s a wonderful way to meet people and get to know a little about them – enough to know when you’ve clicked with someone and would like to pursue a deeper friendship with her. But involvement in church activities alone usually isn’t conducive to building deep relationships (especially if it’s an activity like, for example, choir, which doesn’t allow much time for chatting). It’s a springboard to pursuing a relationship with someone outside the church in a more intimate setting where you can focus on each other and talk. (Sorry if this is starting to sound like dating advice, but the dynamics are similar!)
Once you’ve met someone through mingling or a church activity, take the next step. Invite her out for coffee or to an activity you’ve found out the two of you both enjoy (a museum, pickleball, going to garage sales). Invite her family over for dinner. If your kids are the same age, plan a play date. Pray about it and ask the Lord to help you think of a good idea for a get together.
As you’re doing all of these things, set up an appointment with your pastor to discuss your concerns about the church’s lack of hospitality. It’s not just that you, personally, are having difficulty making friends. Maybe other members are, too. What about other Christians who visit the church and find it cold and unfriendly? Your church could be turning off potential new members. What about a lost person who visits? Will he stick around long enough to hear the gospel if he doesn’t feel welcome?
Hopefully, your pastor can encourage you and maybe even give you a few “insider” tips to making friends and setting an example of hospitality in the church. You could also ask him about the possibility of planning some fellowships, a women’s small group, or some other sort of event that would give church members more opportunities to get to know the entire church family.
Above all, pray. Pray that God would give your pastor wisdom about leading your church to be more hospitable. Pray for God to convict your church about its lack of hospitality. Pray that God would use you to set a good example of being warm, kind, and caring.
There are churches that are genuinely cliquish and unfriendly. Perhaps the Lord has placed you in one to be a catalyst for change.
Now, all of this being said, you* may think the reason you’re having trouble making friends at church is that it’s cliquish. But that might not be the reason. There might be another reason.
*”You” in general, not necessarily the lady who sent in the question.
(Now’s the time to put on your steel toe boots and lace them up tight, because, is it really even a biblical discipleship article if nobody’s toes get stepped on? Prolly not.)
That reason might be you.
You may think the reason you’re having trouble making friends at church is that it’s cliquish. But that might not be the reason. There might be another reason. That reason might be you.
I’m trying to spare your pastor, your husband, or your loved ones from being in the awkward position of being honest with you, yet unavoidably hurting your feelings: maybe there’s a thing or two you could improve about yourself that would make you more, shall we say, “friendship-ready”.
Let’s start with the easy stuff: your appearance. “Beauty is only skin deep! It’s what’s inside that counts!” Yeah, but the first thing people see about you is not your insides, it your outside. Why put up any unnecessary stumbling blocks on the outside that would deter people from getting to know what’s inside?
Now, I’m not saying you need a $5000 (Shot in the dark – I have no idea.) full body makeover. I’m saying maybe you need to pop a breath mint more often. Maybe a few more showers and strokes with the roll-on deodorant. Maybe on Sunday mornings you lose the green mohawk, nose spikes, and the face paint that makes you look like a zombie, and you present yourself modestly – in a way that doesn’t draw attention to yourself and scare everybody over sixty.
Look in the mirror at your “resting” face and see how much friendlier and more approachable you look when you smile. And when you get to church, smile and make eye contact with people.
Got any little weird idiosyncrasies like constantly cracking your knuckles or smacking and popping your gum? Give it a rest when you’re around other humanoids.
Take inventory, and, within reason, fix any minor thing that’s annoying or off-putting about your countenance and appearance.
Now about that personality of yours…
This is probably going to be a little more challenging because these are most likely things you habitually do that you don’t even realize you’re doing. (And look, we’re all in the same boat here. I’ve got a lot of stuff to work on, too.)
Be mindful of your facial expression and tone. My husband and I were discussing this just the other day. Apparently, both of us often wear facial expressions and use tones of voice that have nothing to do with what we’re currently thinking or meaning, and which are usually interpreted incorrectly by the other person. For example, to him, I might look mad when I’m actually worried. Or, to me, he might sound like he’s joking when he’s actually saying something kind and tender. (Hey, we’re working on it!) Married couples generally feel comfortable saying, “Why are you looking at me like that?” or “I wasn’t really crazy about your tone when you said that.” People you don’t know well at church generally do not. Get some help from your husband or a close loved one who will be honest with you and ask for his or her loving input about your tone and expressions.
Put others first when you converse. Don’t interrupt. Listen more than you speak. Don’t monopolize the conversation or verbally run over people. Don’t hold people hostage by talking continuously for long stretches of time or prolonging a conversation when the other person clearly needs to go. Keep up with the flow of the conversation – don’t keep changing the subject or commenting on whatever the subject was ten minutes ago. It demonstrates that you aren’t listening or don’t care what the other person is saying, you’re only concerned about what you want to say.
Your manner matters. Have a balanced sense of humor. Don’t be the person who’s always graveyard serious or can’t take a joke, but don’t be the person at the other extreme who makes everything into a joke. Don’t be constantly sarcastic, critical, cynical, pessimistic, complaining, impatient, or irritable. Don’t be hyper-sensitive and always getting your feelings hurt. Don’t be a stalker. Don’t be pathologically clingy. Don’t be the expert at everything, emphatically stating the only way to bait a hook, or which restaurant is the most authentically Italian, or what is the best perspective/method of infant sleep, in such a way that no one else can offer an opinion without appearing to be arguing with you. Don’t be that person who’s always unnecessarily correcting people, from their grammar to the details of the story they’re telling, to historical details, even their theology in most social situations. If you’re constantly “educating” people during casual conversations and a lot of your sentences start with, “Well, actually…” you’re gonna have to ask somebody to help you detox from being a nitpicking know-it-all (Take it from somebody who knows!).
Your manners matter. I’m starting to think Emily Post ought to be required reading for everyone with a pulse. Say please, and thank you, and excuse me, and I’m sorry. Be courteous. Be helpful. Let others go first. Offer others the best seat or the biggest piece of cake and take the lesser for yourself. Be punctual. Be gracious. Répondez, s’il vous plaît. Return calls, emails, and texts in a timely fashion. Dress for the occasion. Reciprocate. Do what you say you’re going to do. Be where you say you’re going to be. Keep your commitments.
Making friends at church can sometimes be tricky, whether it’s because of cliques and lack of hospitality, or because you’ve got a little personal renovation to do, but be in prayer and be Christlike, and leave the results up to the Lord.
Making friends at church can sometimes be tricky, but be in prayer and be Christlike, and leave the results up to the Lord.
If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.
Or maybe I answered your question already? Check out my article The Mailbag: Top 10 FAQs to see if your question has been answered and to get some helpful resources.
Hey just curious why when I click on Sean Feucht it just sends me to a Justin Peters video on him from 2 months ago? Is that a glitch?
It’s not a glitch. The link is taking you right where I meant for it to take you. I’m not sure if you’re asking because you expected all of the links to go an article I had written or if there was another reason, but not all of the links on that page go to an article I wrote.
The main reason for this is that I usually don’t have on hand the 10-20ish hours it takes to write a thorough discernment article on everybody. But I know y’all need information on these teachers now, so if I come across a good resource from someone else, I’ll go ahead and link it up for you. Also, most of those outside resources I’ve linked are so thorough and well done that I don’t feel the need to re-invent the wheel. I’m very thankful for the handful of brothers and sisters out there who are doing a great job of exposing false teachers and false doctrine. It lightens the load for all of us who do discernment work.
In addition to Sean Feucht, over the last few months I’ve also added resources for baptismal regeneration, Shawn Bolz, Core Group/Jenny Weaver, Eastern Orthodox, Kathryn Krick, Greg Laurie, Rebecca McLaughlin, Kristi McLelland, the New Apostolic Reformation, Right Now Media, Heidi St. John, and Wesleyanism. Check it out if you haven’t stopped by recently!
Other than yours, are there any podcasts you can recommend for women? Age wise 40-50’s. Thank you!
Thank you so much for listening to A Word Fitly Spoken! Yes, I would recommend, regardless of age, the podcast of anyone listed at the Recommended Bible Teachers, Authors, etc. tab in the blue menu bar at the top of this page. (Don’t limit yourself to female podcasters, teachers, etc. There are a lot more doctrinally sound men out there than women.)
A few more that aren’t listed there (only because I haven’t had time to update that page in a while) that I listen to are:
The Studio Revue with Sam Reid (This one isn’t Christian content, it’s just wholesome fun. I got hooked on it earlier this year.)
I’m wondering what/how would be the best way to approach my pastor about Jennie Allen and other doctrinally weak/unsound women whose studies are currently being taught at the church I’m a member of. At the risk of appearing obtuse or haughty, I’m hesitant to share these insights with the women (who I esteem more spiritually mature than I) who are overseeing the women’s Bible studies, especially as they continue to choose these authors who clearly are unsound or weak in theology and doctrine.
I’m so sorry this is happening at your church. I hope it will help you to know that you’re not alone. I’ve been in the same situation myself, and I’ve heard from hundreds of other women over the years who have also been in this situation. Sadly, my article The Mailbag: How should I approach my church leaders about a false teacher they’re introducing? is the one I most often have to share with readers.
And listen, if these women are following false teachers, they are not the spiritually mature ones, no matter how they seem or how they present themselves. If you’re discerning enough to understand from Scripture that they’re following false teachers, and you love them and your church enough to try to help, you are the spiritually mature one in this situation. That’s not haughty, that’s simple, objective, biblical fact.
I have taken a moment to pray for you, and I wish you well.
I’ve heard that Christians shouldn’t read horoscopes or get involved with astrology, but weren’t the wise men who came to see Jesus astrologers? Maybe there’s something to astrology.
Well, if we were to say that, then we could also say maybe there’s something to stealing, too. Because, after all, that’s what got the thief on the cross to Jesus, and Jesus said that he would be with Him in Paradise that day. And maybe there’s something to persecuting and murdering Christians, too, because that’s how Paul came to encounter Jesus. But we don’t say those things because that’s not the way we rightly handle and apply Scripture.
There are two broad categories of Scripture: descriptive passages and prescriptive passages. Descriptive passages are descriptions of something that happened, like the story of the wise men visiting Jesus, or Noah and the ark, or David and Goliath. Prescriptive passages could also be called commands or direct instructions, “thou shalts” and “thou shalt nots.”
When we have a question about whether or not it’s OK with God for us to do something, say, consulting horoscopes and astrologers, we look first at the relevant prescriptive passages, like this one:
When you come into the land that the Lord your God is giving you, you shall not learn to follow the abominable practices of those nations. There shall not be found among you anyone who burns his son or his daughter as an offering, anyone who practices divination or tells fortunes or interprets omens, or a sorcerer or a charmer or a medium or a necromancer or one who inquires of the dead, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord. And because of these abominations the Lord your God is driving them out before you. You shall be blameless before the Lord your God, for these nations, which you are about to dispossess, listen to fortune-tellers and to diviners. But as for you, the Lord your God has not allowed you to do this.
Deuteronomy 18:9-14
While this passage was obviously written as a command to Old Testament Israel, we can still draw out some applicable principles for today by asking ourselves why “the Lord your God has not allowed you to do this.” God calls these practices an “abomination” several times and links them to paganism. Verse 14 is reminiscent of 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 and 1 John 2:15-17, which tell us not to love or partner with the dark things of the world and to separate ourselves from such things.
This is a clear, prescriptive passage that answers our questions about following horoscopes and astrology, so this is where we get our instruction, not from a descriptive passage about someone who was an astrologer.
Additionally, there’s good reason to believe that the wise men who went to see Jesus were not astrologers in the same horoscope/tarot card/palm reading/fortune teller sense in which we use the word “astrology” today. The Greek word translated as “wise men” is magos (magi). Its primary meaning is “Oriental scientist,” a term which was also applied to teachers, priests, and physicians, among others. It would seem that the wise men were much more akin to astronomers than astrologers, and were learned in the Old Testament messianic prophecies as well.
Will a Believer who commits suicide still go to Heaven?
Yes. The key word here is “Believer.” People who are genuinely born again Christians spend eternity in Heaven when they die. It is not a particular sin that sends people to Hell, but rather that they die in a state of lostness and unbelief. If you think about it, because sin is so sneaky and pervasive most Christians will have some unconfessed sin in our lives at the moment of our death, whether that sin is suicide, unforgiveness, lust, a lie, or whatever. At the moment of salvation, Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection pays for ALL of a Believer’s sins, from cradle to grave. While we should always strive to repent of any known sin in our lives, we must also trust in God’s grace, mercy, and forgiveness towards His children.
Is it OK if I email you/private message you on social media about…
Yes. You do not need to ask my permission before emailing or DM-ing me. Just go ahead and send me the email/DM. The only thing is, you need to understand that I will probably not answer your email or DM personally (unless it’s related to a speaking engagement). I answer readers’ questions via The Mailbag. I’ve explained why at the Contact and Social Media tab (All together, class: “…in the blue menu bar at the top of this page.”).
If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.
I was in a very volatile marriage to an abusive, lost man and I was also lost at the time. There was violence in the marriage which caused me to run away and divorce him out of fear. This was seven years ago and I have not seen nor heard from him since.
I have recently been saved and have repented of all my past sin and divorce1. I do understand that God hates divorce, and why, and that He would want me to reconcile with my ex-husband, if possible. But I am terrified about inquiring of my ex-husband because of the abuse I experienced. I don’t want to go back to him, if he’s even unmarried currently. I want to move forward in my new life as a daughter of God in the situation I am currently in – where He called me.
Does my not wanting to go back to my ex mean I am not truly repentant? And subsequently not truly forgiven? I did write my ex a letter that I sent to his parents’ address asking for forgiveness (for sins I had committed against him) about a year and a half ago and I believe he knows where he could find me if he wanted to reconcile; I have heard nothing. I have had nightmares about all this. Part of the reason we don’t live in the same town is I didn’t want to be found. I was so lost in my sin until God opened my eyes and now I cannot change my past and that has left me feeling helpless and hopeless.
First, I just want to take a moment to rejoice with you that God has brought you out of darkness and into His marvelous light! Welcome to the family! I also praise Him for rescuing you out of such a terrible situation and placing you in a safe environment. I hope by now this wicked man has been brought to justice and is no longer able to harm anyone.
OK, let’s take this one step at a time, for you and for any others who may be in a similar situation…
I was unable to glean from your email whether or not you are now joined to, and faithfully attending, a doctrinally sound church. If you’re not, that’s step one for many reasons: a) God commands it, so you’ll want to be obedient to Him, b) all Christians need training in the Scriptures and fellowship with our brothers and sisters, c) you need to unlearn all the ungodly ways of thinking and seeing yourself and others that the abuse taught you and replace them with godly, spiritually healthy ways of thinking and seeing yourself and others, and d) you need pastoral counsel about this particular situation you’ve asked me about.
If you haven’t yet found a doctrinally sound church and need some help, I would encourage you to go to the blue menu bar at the top of this page and click on the Searching for a new church? tab. When you get there, study up on the resources under “What to look for in a church,” and then begin exploring the many church search engines to find a good church near you.
Once you find a solid church (or if you’re already in a solid church), step two is to set up an appointment with your pastor for counseling. You need a shepherd who can walk through this situation with you face to face, long term, and can take the time to listen to all of the details. Binding up the wounds of injured sheep and tending to them while they heal is part of a shepherd’s job.
Next let’s take a look at some of the biblical issues.
You are correct in saying that, if possible, it’s God’s desire for a husband and wife to reconcile. But the only way that would be possible in your situation is if your ex-husband:
has thoroughly and completely repented of all of his sin (including, but not limited to, the abuse and violence)
has trusted Christ as his Savior,
has joined, and is faithfully attending, a doctrinally sound local church
is bearing fruit in keeping with repentanceas witnessed by doctrinally sound mature brothers and sisters in Christ at his church (in other words, we can’t just take his word for it that he’s changed)
and all of this has been going on for a significant amount of time (like, at least year or two, not last week).
One of the things you should discuss with your pastor in counseling is whether or not, and how, to find out if your ex-husband has gotten saved and is living a repentant life that honors Christ. If he has not written you back or attempted any contact in the past seven years, chances are he is still lost and unrepentant.
This is another reason it’s important for you to be in a good church – you should not be the one to approach, or have any contact with, your ex-husband. Even if you’re not worried for your physical safety, clearly, contacting him would traumatize you at this point in your life. If any research is to be done into your ex-husband’s spiritual condition, it should be done by your pastor, elders, a deacon, or whoever your pastor designates as the wisest choice.
If it is discovered that God has graciously saved your ex-husband (and all of the items I bullet-pointed above are true of his life) and he has not remarried, then your pastor, his pastor, you, and he will have to put your heads together and figure out how to proceed biblically from here. And I imagine that will involve a lot of time and intense counseling before any decisions can be made.
You should not return to your ex-husband if he is unrepentant and/or still unsaved. (And if your pastor tells you that you should or you have to, you’re at the wrong church. That’s pastoral malpractice.) Notice I said “return to,” not “reconcile”. To be reconciled is for two people to be made right with one another. It’s for two people to come together in agreement to forgive past hurts and move forward together in a peaceful and harmonious relationship. Two people. That’s what the word “reconciled” means. In other words, you cannot be reconciled to someone who will not be reconciled to you because he still wants to hurt you.
Can two walk together, except they be agreed?
Amos 3:3
Returning to your unrepentant ex-husband is not only unwise for the sake of your own personal safety, but consider what the Bible says about you – a Believer – voluntarily2 entering into a marriage with an unbeliever:
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?
2 Corinthians 6:14-15
While this passage doesn’t apply exclusively to marriage, marriage is one of the relationships it does apply to. If we are not to yoke with unbelievers in ministry, or enmeshed business relationships, or close friendships, how much more should we not yoke with an unbeliever in the most intimate relationship of all – the oneness relationship of marriage?
You alluded to “remaining in the state in which you were called,” which is an excellent point Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 7:17-24:
So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God.
1 Corinthians 7:24
The basic idea Paul is trying to convey here is not that you shouldn’t make Zacchaeus-like restitution or apologies for sins you’ve committed whenever that’s possible, but that you can’t undo your pre-salvation, sinful past (just like Zacchaeus couldn’t undo the fact that he cheated people in the first place). And you don’t have to. That was nailed to the cross, and it stayed dead and buried when Jesus came out of the tomb.
You can’t undo your pre-salvation, sinful past. And you don’t have to. That was nailed to the cross, and it stayed dead and buried when Jesus came out of the tomb.
That’s precisely why you shouldn’t feel helpless and hopeless. That is our help and our hope: Jesus did for us what we so desperately needed and could not do for ourselves. He took our sin, our shame, our disgraceful past away – as far as the east is from the west – and dressed us in His royal robes of righteousness, making us clean and right with God to walk in newness of life! No one can change her past. Even God doesn’t change your past. God puts your past to death and changes your future.
No one can change her past. Even God doesn’t change your past. God puts your past to death and changes your future.
Not only that, this bit about remaining in the state in which you were called comes right on the heels of verse 15, which says:
But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.
1 Corinthians 7:15
Your unbelieving ex-husband is separated from you. Let it be so. “Let sleeping dogs lie,” you might say. Keep the peace that God has blessed you with by not opening up this can of worms and unnecessarily creating what could be a volatile situation.
You ask, “Does my not wanting to go back to my ex mean I am not truly repentant? And subsequently not truly forgiven?”. No, honey. It means God blessed you with good sense that still works. If this were a situation in which you divorced a godly (non-abusive, obviously) husband for your own selfish, sinful reasons, subsequently got saved, and still refused to be reconciled to him, there would probably be some issues of sin that your pastor would need to counsel you about. But getting saved, honoring all of the Scriptures mentioned above, and refusing to poorly steward the mind, body, and spirit God blessed you with by pointlessly putting them back in harm’s way? That demonstrates that you have repented and been forgiven and that God is hard at work healing you and renewing your mind.
Now, go make that appointment with your pastor.
1The reader stated that she “repented of…my divorce”. I did not deal with biblical and unbiblical reasons for divorce in this article because the focus of her question was, “Where do I go from here?” not, “Did I sin by divorcing him?”, and if she did sin in some way by divorcing him (and I’m not saying she did), she has already repented of it. But I do want anyone reading this to know that if you’re in an abusive relationship, it is not a sin to get yourself and your children somewhere safe. Getting to a safe place is not the same thing as getting a divorce. If you are being abused, get to safety immediately and call your pastor, and the police, if appropriate, for help.
2This is not a proactive instruction to currently married people to divorce their unbelieving (non-abusive) spouses. Paul deals with that in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16.
If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.
