Mailbag – Page 9 – Michelle Lesley

Is there such a thing as a church without cliques?? Should I just give up and accept it? If so, what is the proper Christian perspective to handling the situation? After years in the same church and being very involved, I am still considered an outsider.

How do you navigate a cliquish church? When it’s challenging to form friendships, are cliques always the culprit? Need some tips for making friends at church?
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I know your situation feels lonely and discouraging, and I hate for any Christian to feel that way in church. Let me see if I can help you, as well as others who may not feel very close to their brothers and sisters at church.

There are some churches (not all, and not even the majority) that are cliquish and unwelcoming to new members. What I’ve typically seen is that this is more common in small churches where most people have been long time or lifelong members going back several generations in their family, especially when that type of church is small and rural and doesn’t have a lot of turnover (new people joining, members moving away or moving to another church, etc.).

They’ve all known each other all their lives, they know all the stories, all the history, and all the inside jokes, and they’re comfortable the way they are. Bringing a new member in and getting her up to speed seems like a monumental task, and they’re relationally lazy, so they don’t put forth the effort to get to know new people.

Let me clearly say that if this is going on at any church in any Christian individual, it is wrong and sinful. Christians are to be hospitable and welcoming. It should be second nature to us.

Christians are to be hospitable and welcoming. It should be second nature to us.
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Hospitality is required of pastors in both of the lists of pastoral qualifications (1 Timothy 3:2 / Titus 1:8), which means that if your pastor isn’t hospitable, he’s disqualified from the office of pastor. That’s how seriously God takes hospitality and your pastor’s role to lead the way in hospitality.

We see in 1 Timothy 5:10 that hospitality was such a vital trait of Christian character that it was a requirement for Christian widows to receive assistance from the church.

And then we have direct instructions to the church and Christian individuals to pursue and practice hospitality:

Let love be without hypocrisy—by abhorring what is evil, clinging to what is good, being devoted to one another in brotherly love, giving preference to one another in honor, not lagging behind in diligence, being fervent in spirit, serving the Lord, rejoicing in hope, persevering in affliction, being devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, pursuing hospitality.
Romans 12:9-13

Pursuing hospitality is listed right alongside things like serving the Lord and being devoted to prayer, showing us it’s just as important as those things, and that it should be just as normative to the Christian life as those things.

Let love of the brothers continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers…
Hebrews 13:1-2a

“Do not,” or “Thou shalt not,” if you prefer. That’s a biblical command, not a suggestion, not an option.

Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without grumbling. As each one has received a gift, employ it in serving one another…
1 Peter 4:8-10a

Be hospitable. Just do it – and without grumbling – period. That’s also a command of God.

Christians are to welcome others because Christ has welcomed us. If you’d like to learn more about biblical hospitality, I welcome you (😀) to listen in to our two part A Word Fitly Spoken podcast episode, Hospitality- part 1 and part 2.

Christians are to welcome others because Christ has welcomed us.
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If you’re a member of a church that’s sinning by refusing to be hospitable, set the example! (This is a phenomenal way women can lead in the church: by setting a godly example!) No, you don’t have to have any special “gift” of hospitality. Yes, it’s required of all Christians – just like any other biblical command – even if you consider yourself to be an introvert (like me). In fact, if you’re an introvert and God has opened your eyes – and seemingly your eyes alone – to the fact that your church is failing at hospitality, buckle up. God is probably about to kill two birds with one stone: sanctifying you out of some of your introverted tendencies and sanctifying your church into being hospitable.

How can you set an example of hospitality at church? (We also cover this in the podcast episodes linked above.)

Always get to church a little early and stay a little afterwards so you can mingle with everyone. Introduce yourself to people you don’t know. Take an interest in what they’re saying. Ask them questions. Ask them if there’s anything for which you can pray for them.

In addition to the fact that we’re supposed to be praying for one another anyway, this is a great way to connect more intimately with people. Ask how you can pray for the person you’re talking to. Pray for her all week. When you see her next Sunday, follow up: “How did the job interview go?” “Are you feeling better from your cold?” Whatever.

Sometimes you have to be the one to initiate a new relationship. When you make the first move to demonstrate that you care for someone, it can jump start her interest in you.

The lady who sent in this question and did a super job of stepping out and doing something else I’m going to recommend: get involved in church activities and serving. Like praying for one another, serving and investing yourself in the church is something you’re already supposed to be doing anyway. A great by-product of getting involved is that it’s a wonderful way to meet people and get to know a little about them – enough to know when you’ve clicked with someone and would like to pursue a deeper friendship with her. But involvement in church activities alone usually isn’t conducive to building deep relationships (especially if it’s an activity like, for example, choir, which doesn’t allow much time for chatting). It’s a springboard to pursuing a relationship with someone outside the church in a more intimate setting where you can focus on each other and talk. (Sorry if this is starting to sound like dating advice, but the dynamics are similar!)

Once you’ve met someone through mingling or a church activity, take the next step. Invite her out for coffee or to an activity you’ve found out the two of you both enjoy (a museum, pickleball, going to garage sales). Invite her family over for dinner. If your kids are the same age, plan a play date. Pray about it and ask the Lord to help you think of a good idea for a get together.

As you’re doing all of these things, set up an appointment with your pastor to discuss your concerns about the church’s lack of hospitality. It’s not just that you, personally, are having difficulty making friends. Maybe other members are, too. What about other Christians who visit the church and find it cold and unfriendly? Your church could be turning off potential new members. What about a lost person who visits? Will he stick around long enough to hear the gospel if he doesn’t feel welcome?

Hopefully, your pastor can encourage you and maybe even give you a few “insider” tips to making friends and setting an example of hospitality in the church. You could also ask him about the possibility of planning some fellowships, a women’s small group, or some other sort of event that would give church members more opportunities to get to know the entire church family.

Above all, pray. Pray that God would give your pastor wisdom about leading your church to be more hospitable. Pray for God to convict your church about its lack of hospitality. Pray that God would use you to set a good example of being warm, kind, and caring.

There are churches that are genuinely cliquish and unfriendly. Perhaps the Lord has placed you in one to be a catalyst for change.

Now, all of this being said, you* may think the reason you’re having trouble making friends at church is that it’s cliquish. But that might not be the reason. There might be another reason.

*”You” in general, not necessarily the lady who sent in the question.

(Now’s the time to put on your steel toe boots and lace them up tight, because, is it really even a biblical discipleship article if nobody’s toes get stepped on? Prolly not.)

That reason might be you.

You may think the reason you’re having trouble making friends at church is that it’s cliquish. But that might not be the reason. There might be another reason. That reason might be you.
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I’m trying to spare your pastor, your husband, or your loved ones from being in the awkward position of being honest with you, yet unavoidably hurting your feelings: maybe there’s a thing or two you could improve about yourself that would make you more, shall we say, “friendship-ready”.

Let’s start with the easy stuff: your appearance. “Beauty is only skin deep! It’s what’s inside that counts!” Yeah, but the first thing people see about you is not your insides, it your outside. Why put up any unnecessary stumbling blocks on the outside that would deter people from getting to know what’s inside?

Now, I’m not saying you need a $5000 (Shot in the dark – I have no idea.) full body makeover. I’m saying maybe you need to pop a breath mint more often. Maybe a few more showers and strokes with the roll-on deodorant. Maybe on Sunday mornings you lose the green mohawk, nose spikes, and the face paint that makes you look like a zombie, and you present yourself modestly – in a way that doesn’t draw attention to yourself and scare everybody over sixty.

Look in the mirror at your “resting” face and see how much friendlier and more approachable you look when you smile. And when you get to church, smile and make eye contact with people.

Got any little weird idiosyncrasies like constantly cracking your knuckles or smacking and popping your gum? Give it a rest when you’re around other humanoids.

Take inventory, and, within reason, fix any minor thing that’s annoying or off-putting about your countenance and appearance.

Now about that personality of yours…

This is probably going to be a little more challenging because these are most likely things you habitually do that you don’t even realize you’re doing. (And look, we’re all in the same boat here. I’ve got a lot of stuff to work on, too.)

Be mindful of your facial expression and tone. My husband and I were discussing this just the other day. Apparently, both of us often wear facial expressions and use tones of voice that have nothing to do with what we’re currently thinking or meaning, and which are usually interpreted incorrectly by the other person. For example, to him, I might look mad when I’m actually worried. Or, to me, he might sound like he’s joking when he’s actually saying something kind and tender. (Hey, we’re working on it!) Married couples generally feel comfortable saying, “Why are you looking at me like that?” or “I wasn’t really crazy about your tone when you said that.” People you don’t know well at church generally do not. Get some help from your husband or a close loved one who will be honest with you and ask for his or her loving input about your tone and expressions.

Put others first when you converse. Don’t interrupt. Listen more than you speak. Don’t monopolize the conversation or verbally run over people. Don’t hold people hostage by talking continuously for long stretches of time or prolonging a conversation when the other person clearly needs to go. Keep up with the flow of the conversation – don’t keep changing the subject or commenting on whatever the subject was ten minutes ago. It demonstrates that you aren’t listening or don’t care what the other person is saying, you’re only concerned about what you want to say.

Your manner matters. Have a balanced sense of humor. Don’t be the person who’s always graveyard serious or can’t take a joke, but don’t be the person at the other extreme who makes everything into a joke. Don’t be constantly sarcastic, critical, cynical, pessimistic, complaining, impatient, or irritable. Don’t be hyper-sensitive and always getting your feelings hurt. Don’t be a stalker. Don’t be pathologically clingy. Don’t be the expert at everything, emphatically stating the only way to bait a hook, or which restaurant is the most authentically Italian, or what is the best perspective/method of infant sleep, in such a way that no one else can offer an opinion without appearing to be arguing with you. Don’t be that person who’s always unnecessarily correcting people, from their grammar to the details of the story they’re telling, to historical details, even their theology in most social situations. If you’re constantly “educating” people during casual conversations and a lot of your sentences start with, “Well, actually…” you’re gonna have to ask somebody to help you detox from being a nitpicking know-it-all (Take it from somebody who knows!).

Your manners matter. I’m starting to think Emily Post ought to be required reading for everyone with a pulse. Say please, and thank you, and excuse me, and I’m sorry. Be courteous. Be helpful. Let others go first. Offer others the best seat or the biggest piece of cake and take the lesser for yourself. Be punctual. Be gracious. Répondez, s’il vous plaît. Return calls, emails, and texts in a timely fashion. Dress for the occasion. Reciprocate. Do what you say you’re going to do. Be where you say you’re going to be. Keep your commitments.

Making friends at church can sometimes be tricky, whether it’s because of cliques and lack of hospitality, or because you’ve got a little personal renovation to do, but be in prayer and be Christlike, and leave the results up to the Lord.

Making friends at church can sometimes be tricky, but be in prayer and be Christlike, and leave the results up to the Lord.
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If you have a question about: a Bible passage, an aspect of theology, a current issue in Christianity, or how to biblically handle a family, life, or church situation, comment below (I’ll hold all questions in queue {unpublished} for a future edition of The Mailbag) or send me an e-mail or private message. If your question is chosen for publication, your anonymity will be protected.

Mailbag

The Mailbag: Potpourri (Discernment resources… Recommended podcasts… Approaching church leadership about false teachers… Magi: Astrologers?… Heaven after suicide?… Permission to email?)

August 26, 2025August 25, 2025 Michelle Lesley

Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question.

I like to take the opportunity in these potpourri editions to let new readers know about my comments/e-mail/messages policy. I’m not able to respond individually to most e-mails and messages, so here are some helpful hints for getting your questions answered more quickly. Remember, the search bar (at the very bottom of each page) can be a helpful tool!

Or maybe I answered your question already? Check out my article The Mailbag: Top 10 FAQs to see if your question has been answered and to get some helpful resources.

Hey just curious why when I click on Sean Feucht it just sends me to a Justin Peters video on him from 2 months ago? Is that a glitch?

I think you’re referring to my link to Sean Feucht at my Popular False Teachers & Unbiblical Trends tab (in the blue menu bar at the top of the blog), right?

It’s not a glitch. The link is taking you right where I meant for it to take you. I’m not sure if you’re asking because you expected all of the links to go an article I had written or if there was another reason, but not all of the links on that page go to an article I wrote.

The main reason for this is that I usually don’t have on hand the 10-20ish hours it takes to write a thorough discernment article on everybody. But I know y’all need information on these teachers now, so if I come across a good resource from someone else, I’ll go ahead and link it up for you. Also, most of those outside resources I’ve linked are so thorough and well done that I don’t feel the need to re-invent the wheel. I’m very thankful for the handful of brothers and sisters out there who are doing a great job of exposing false teachers and false doctrine. It lightens the load for all of us who do discernment work.

In addition to Sean Feucht, over the last few months I’ve also added resources for baptismal regeneration, Shawn Bolz, Core Group/Jenny Weaver, Eastern Orthodox, Kathryn Krick, Greg Laurie, Rebecca McLaughlin, Kristi McLelland, the New Apostolic Reformation, Right Now Media, Heidi St. John, and Wesleyanism. Check it out if you haven’t stopped by recently!

Other than yours, are there any podcasts you can recommend for women? Age wise 40-50’s. Thank you!

Thank you so much for listening to A Word Fitly Spoken! Yes, I would recommend, regardless of age, the podcast of anyone listed at the Recommended Bible Teachers, Authors, etc. tab in the blue menu bar at the top of this page. (Don’t limit yourself to female podcasters, teachers, etc. There are a lot more doctrinally sound men out there than women.)

A few more that aren’t listed there (only because I haven’t had time to update that page in a while) that I listen to are:

The G3 Podcast
Transformed with Dr. Greg Gifford
Your Calvinist with Keith Foskey (If you’re not a Calvinist or don’t like Calvinism, don’t let the title scare you. It’s usually not about Calvinism. Give it a good faith try.)
Conversations that Matter
The Lovesick Scribe

The Studio Revue with Sam Reid (This one isn’t Christian content, it’s just wholesome fun. I got hooked on it earlier this year.)

I’m wondering what/how would be the best way to approach my pastor about Jennie Allen and other doctrinally weak/unsound women whose studies are currently being taught at the church I’m a member of. At the risk of appearing obtuse or haughty, I’m hesitant to share these insights with the women (who I esteem more spiritually mature than I) who are overseeing the women’s Bible studies, especially as they continue to choose these authors who clearly are unsound or weak in theology and doctrine.

I’m so sorry this is happening at your church. I hope it will help you to know that you’re not alone. I’ve been in the same situation myself, and I’ve heard from hundreds of other women over the years who have also been in this situation. Sadly, my article The Mailbag: How should I approach my church leaders about a false teacher they’re introducing? is the one I most often have to share with readers.

And listen, if these women are following false teachers, they are not the spiritually mature ones, no matter how they seem or how they present themselves. If you’re discerning enough to understand from Scripture that they’re following false teachers, and you love them and your church enough to try to help, you are the spiritually mature one in this situation. That’s not haughty, that’s simple, objective, biblical fact.

I have taken a moment to pray for you, and I wish you well.

I’ve heard that Christians shouldn’t read horoscopes or get involved with astrology, but weren’t the wise men who came to see Jesus astrologers? Maybe there’s something to astrology.

Well, if we were to say that, then we could also say maybe there’s something to stealing, too. Because, after all, that’s what got the thief on the cross to Jesus, and Jesus said that he would be with Him in Paradise that day. And maybe there’s something to persecuting and murdering Christians, too, because that’s how Paul came to encounter Jesus. But we don’t say those things because that’s not the way we rightly handle and apply Scripture.

There are two broad categories of Scripture: descriptive passages and prescriptive passages. Descriptive passages are descriptions of something that happened, like the story of the wise men visiting Jesus, or Noah and the ark, or David and Goliath. Prescriptive passages could also be called commands or direct instructions, “thou shalts” and “thou shalt nots.”

When we have a question about whether or not it’s OK with God for us to do something, say, consulting horoscopes and astrologers, we look first at the relevant prescriptive passages, like this one:

When you come into the land that the Lord your God is giving you, you shall not learn to follow the abominable practices of those nations. There shall not be found among you anyone who burns his son or his daughter as an offering, anyone who practices divination or tells fortunes or interprets omens, or a sorcerer or a charmer or a medium or a necromancer or one who inquires of the dead, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord. And because of these abominations the Lord your God is driving them out before you. You shall be blameless before the Lord your God, for these nations, which you are about to dispossess, listen to fortune-tellers and to diviners. But as for you, the Lord your God has not allowed you to do this.
Deuteronomy 18:9-14

While this passage was obviously written as a command to Old Testament Israel, we can still draw out some applicable principles for today by asking ourselves why “the Lord your God has not allowed you to do this.” God calls these practices an “abomination” several times and links them to paganism. Verse 14 is reminiscent of 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 and 1 John 2:15-17, which tell us not to love or partner with the dark things of the world and to separate ourselves from such things.

This is a clear, prescriptive passage that answers our questions about following horoscopes and astrology, so this is where we get our instruction, not from a descriptive passage about someone who was an astrologer.

Additionally, there’s good reason to believe that the wise men who went to see Jesus were not astrologers in the same horoscope/tarot card/palm reading/fortune teller sense in which we use the word “astrology” today. The Greek word translated as “wise men” is magos (magi). Its primary meaning is “Oriental scientist,” a term which was also applied to teachers, priests, and physicians, among others. It would seem that the wise men were much more akin to astronomers than astrologers, and were learned in the Old Testament messianic prophecies as well.

Additional Resources:

Should a Christian Consult Horoscopes? at Got Questions

Astrology and the Visit of the Wise Men at Truth Magazine

Were the Wise Men Astrologists? at The Baptist Bulletin

Will a Believer who commits suicide still go to Heaven?

Yes. The key word here is “Believer.” People who are genuinely born again Christians spend eternity in Heaven when they die. It is not a particular sin that sends people to Hell, but rather that they die in a state of lostness and unbelief. If you think about it, because sin is so sneaky and pervasive most Christians will have some unconfessed sin in our lives at the moment of our death, whether that sin is suicide, unforgiveness, lust, a lie, or whatever. At the moment of salvation, Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection pays for ALL of a Believer’s sins, from cradle to grave. While we should always strive to repent of any known sin in our lives, we must also trust in God’s grace, mercy, and forgiveness towards His children.

Additional Resources:

If a Christian commits suicide, is he/she still saved? at Got Questions

Sunday School Lesson ~ 6-1-14 (Scroll down to “Follow up: Can a Christian be forgiven…”)

The Mailbag: Can unforgiveness cause you to you lose your salvation?

Is it OK if I email you/private message you on social media about…

Yes. You do not need to ask my permission before emailing or DM-ing me. Just go ahead and send me the email/DM. The only thing is, you need to understand that I will probably not answer your email or DM personally (unless it’s related to a speaking engagement). I answer readers’ questions via The Mailbag. I’ve explained why at the Contact and Social Media tab (All together, class: “…in the blue menu bar at the top of this page.”).

Abuse, Mailbag, Marriage

The Mailbag: Must I reconcile with my abusive ex-husband?

August 12, 2025August 11, 2025 Michelle Lesley

Originally published January 25, 2021

I was in a very volatile marriage to an abusive, lost man and I was also lost at the time. There was violence in the marriage which caused me to run away and divorce him out of fear. This was seven years ago and I have not seen nor heard from him since.

I have recently been saved and have repented of all my past sin and divorce¹. I do understand that God hates divorce, and why, and that He would want me to reconcile with my ex-husband, if possible. But I am terrified about inquiring of my ex-husband because of the abuse I experienced. I don’t want to go back to him, if he’s even unmarried currently. I want to move forward in my new life as a daughter of God in the situation I am currently in – where He called me.

Does my not wanting to go back to my ex mean I am not truly repentant? And subsequently not truly forgiven? I did write my ex a letter that I sent to his parents’ address asking for forgiveness (for sins I had committed against him) about a year and a half ago and I believe he knows where he could find me if he wanted to reconcile; I have heard nothing. I have had nightmares about all this. Part of the reason we don’t live in the same town is I didn’t want to be found. I was so lost in my sin until God opened my eyes and now I cannot change my past and that has left me feeling helpless and hopeless.

First, I just want to take a moment to rejoice with you that God has brought you out of darkness and into His marvelous light! Welcome to the family! I also praise Him for rescuing you out of such a terrible situation and placing you in a safe environment. I hope by now this wicked man has been brought to justice and is no longer able to harm anyone.

OK, let’s take this one step at a time, for you and for any others who may be in a similar situation…

I was unable to glean from your email whether or not you are now joined to, and faithfully attending, a doctrinally sound church. If you’re not, that’s step one for many reasons: a) God commands it, so you’ll want to be obedient to Him, b) all Christians need training in the Scriptures and fellowship with our brothers and sisters, c) you need to unlearn all the ungodly ways of thinking and seeing yourself and others that the abuse taught you and replace them with godly, spiritually healthy ways of thinking and seeing yourself and others, and d) you need pastoral counsel about this particular situation you’ve asked me about.

If you haven’t yet found a doctrinally sound church and need some help, I would encourage you to go to the blue menu bar at the top of this page and click on the Searching for a new church? tab. When you get there, study up on the resources under “What to look for in a church,” and then begin exploring the many church search engines to find a good church near you.

Once you find a solid church (or if you’re already in a solid church), step two is to set up an appointment with your pastor for counseling. You need a shepherd who can walk through this situation with you face to face, long term, and can take the time to listen to all of the details. Binding up the wounds of injured sheep and tending to them while they heal is part of a shepherd’s job.

Next let’s take a look at some of the biblical issues.

You are correct in saying that, if possible, it’s God’s desire for a husband and wife to reconcile. But the only way that would be possible in your situation is if your ex-husband:

has thoroughly and completely repented of all of his sin (including, but not limited to, the abuse and violence)
has trusted Christ as his Savior,
has joined, and is faithfully attending, a doctrinally sound local church
is bearing fruit in keeping with repentance as witnessed by doctrinally sound mature brothers and sisters in Christ at his church (in other words, we can’t just take his word for it that he’s changed)
and all of this has been going on for a significant amount of time (like, at least year or two, not last week).

One of the things you should discuss with your pastor in counseling is whether or not, and how, to find out if your ex-husband has gotten saved and is living a repentant life that honors Christ. If he has not written you back or attempted any contact in the past seven years, chances are he is still lost and unrepentant.

This is another reason it’s important for you to be in a good church – you should not be the one to approach, or have any contact with, your ex-husband. Even if you’re not worried for your physical safety, clearly, contacting him would traumatize you at this point in your life. If any research is to be done into your ex-husband’s spiritual condition, it should be done by your pastor, elders, a deacon, or whoever your pastor designates as the wisest choice.

If it is discovered that God has graciously saved your ex-husband (and all of the items I bullet-pointed above are true of his life) and he has not remarried, then your pastor, his pastor, you, and he will have to put your heads together and figure out how to proceed biblically from here. And I imagine that will involve a lot of time and intense counseling before any decisions can be made.

You should not return to your ex-husband if he is unrepentant and/or still unsaved. (And if your pastor tells you that you should or you have to, you’re at the wrong church. That’s pastoral malpractice.) Notice I said “return to,” not “reconcile”. To be reconciled is for two people to be made right with one another. It’s for two people to come together in agreement to forgive past hurts and move forward together in a peaceful and harmonious relationship. Two people. That’s what the word “reconciled” means. In other words, you cannot be reconciled to someone who will not be reconciled to you because he still wants to hurt you.

Can two walk together, except they be agreed?
Amos 3:3

Returning to your unrepentant ex-husband is not only unwise for the sake of your own personal safety, but consider what the Bible says about you – a Believer – voluntarily² entering into a marriage with an unbeliever:

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?
2 Corinthians 6:14-15

While this passage doesn’t apply exclusively to marriage, marriage is one of the relationships it does apply to. If we are not to yoke with unbelievers in ministry, or enmeshed business relationships, or close friendships, how much more should we not yoke with an unbeliever in the most intimate relationship of all – the oneness relationship of marriage?

You alluded to “remaining in the state in which you were called,” which is an excellent point Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 7:17-24:

So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God.
1 Corinthians 7:24

The basic idea Paul is trying to convey here is not that you shouldn’t make Zacchaeus-like restitution or apologies for sins you’ve committed whenever that’s possible, but that you can’t undo your pre-salvation, sinful past (just like Zacchaeus couldn’t undo the fact that he cheated people in the first place). And you don’t have to. That was nailed to the cross, and it stayed dead and buried when Jesus came out of the tomb.

You can’t undo your pre-salvation, sinful past. And you don’t have to. That was nailed to the cross, and it stayed dead and buried when Jesus came out of the tomb.
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That’s precisely why you shouldn’t feel helpless and hopeless. That is our help and our hope: Jesus did for us what we so desperately needed and could not do for ourselves. He took our sin, our shame, our disgraceful past away – as far as the east is from the west – and dressed us in His royal robes of righteousness, making us clean and right with God to walk in newness of life! No one can change her past. Even God doesn’t change your past. God puts your past to death and changes your future.

No one can change her past. Even God doesn’t change your past. God puts your past to death and changes your future.
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Not only that, this bit about remaining in the state in which you were called comes right on the heels of verse 15, which says:

But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.
1 Corinthians 7:15

Your unbelieving ex-husband is separated from you. Let it be so. “Let sleeping dogs lie,” you might say. Keep the peace that God has blessed you with by not opening up this can of worms and unnecessarily creating what could be a volatile situation.

You ask, “Does my not wanting to go back to my ex mean I am not truly repentant? And subsequently not truly forgiven?”. No, honey. It means God blessed you with good sense that still works. If this were a situation in which you divorced a godly (non-abusive, obviously) husband for your own selfish, sinful reasons, subsequently got saved, and still refused to be reconciled to him, there would probably be some issues of sin that your pastor would need to counsel you about. But getting saved, honoring all of the Scriptures mentioned above, and refusing to poorly steward the mind, body, and spirit God blessed you with by pointlessly putting them back in harm’s way? That demonstrates that you have repented and been forgiven and that God is hard at work healing you and renewing your mind.

Now, go make that appointment with your pastor.

¹The reader stated that she “repented of…my divorce”. I did not deal with biblical and unbiblical reasons for divorce in this article because the focus of her question was, “Where do I go from here?” not, “Did I sin by divorcing him?”, and if she did sin in some way by divorcing him (and I’m not saying she did), she has already repented of it. But I do want anyone reading this to know that if you’re in an abusive relationship, it is not a sin to get yourself and your children somewhere safe. Getting to a safe place is not the same thing as getting a divorce. If you are being abused, get to safety immediately and call your pastor, and the police, if appropriate, for help.

²This is not a proactive instruction to currently married people to divorce their unbelieving (non-abusive) spouses. Paul deals with that in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16.

Mailbag

The Mailbag: Potpourri (Female pastor in 2 John?… Pronouns for pre-schoolers… Women’s ministry “how to”… Video studies for women?)

August 5, 2025August 3, 2025 Michelle Lesley

Originally published September 20, 2022

Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question.

Or maybe I answered your question already? Check out my article The Mailbag: Top 10 FAQs to see if your question has been answered and to get some helpful resources.

Is the epistle of 2 John addressed to a female pastor? I just read a social media debate on this topic. One poster is focusing on the “children” in the verse, seeing them as God’s spiritual children (the church) and only considering the “chosen” or “elected” lady as the leader/pastor of the church. I took “chosen or elect” to mean she’s a “godly” woman, one predestined (chosen by God) like other believers.

Great question! It is so important to pay attention to details like this in Scripture.

No, 2 John is not addressed to a female “pastor”. If it were, it would be a stern letter of rebuke because such a woman would be in egregious sin and rebellion. The verses that are being twisted in an attempt to argue this fallacy are parts of verses 1, 4-5, and maybe a bit of 13:

The elder to the elect lady and her children … some of your children … I ask you, dear lady … The children of your elect sister greet you.
Excerpted from 2 John 1, 4-5, 13

You are definitely on the right track in your thinking. Some people think 2 John was written to a church and John was riffing off the “church as the Bride of Christ” metaphor by using this female personification of the church. “Elect” or “chosen lady” would then mean elect or chosen in the sense that the church is elect or chosen out of the world. This “lady’s” “children” would, metaphorically, be the members of that church.

Others think 2 John was written to a particular woman in the church, namely the woman who had offered her home as a place for the church to meet. Verse 10 would be a good fit with this idea, warning her that, though it was customary and good Christian hospitality to open her home to godly pastors and teachers who were traveling around and needed a place to stay, that she should not extend hospitality to those preaching a false gospel. This individual woman would be elect or chosen in the sense that every individual Christian is elect or chosen. Her “children” would be understood to be her own biological children.

Personally, I can see where a good argument could be made for both of these perspectives, and that maybe John had both in mind as God moved him to write this letter.

But whichever perspective you lean toward, one thing we know for sure is that it was not written to a female “pastor”. John would not have commended someone that Paul’s epistles rebuke. That would make Scripture contradict itself, and, thus, God contradict Himself, since He is the author of Scripture. And we know that can’t happen.

How would you respond (or how have you responded) when someone prefers to be called by the opposite gender?

I had a man correct my daughter (she’s only 2, almost 3) today because she referred to him as “he”. I told him out of deep love for him I could not in good conscience refer to him as “her,” but how do I explain that to an almost 3 year old? How have you informed your kids about this? Would love any feedback you have on this.

I do not envy you young moms who are having to deal with things like this with your small children. My youngest child is 19, so this was not an issue when he or any of his older siblings were toddlers or even young teens. Isn’t it amazing how fast the world has plunged headlong into this depth of sin?

I think you handled the situation just fine, and with a two or three year old who likely had zero memory of this incident the next day, you probably don’t even need to broach the subject. But if you do, I would suggest keeping your focus broad and shallow. “Honey, you need to whisper to me when you have a question about another person, or wait until later to ask. That person’s feelings might get hurt, and we don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings if we can avoid it.”.

Honestly, for a two or three year old, even the part about hurting someone else’s feelings is going to go right over her head (as is the “wait until later” part, and she’s also unlikely to remember the “whisper to me” part for the future). Children that young rarely have the capacity to grasp the concept that another person even has feelings. They certainly aren’t going to understand the concept of adults “identifying” as the opposite sex. This is really not something you need to worry about trying to explain to her at this young age, and no amount of talking or explaining is going to keep a pre-schooler from verbalizing any and every thought that comes to mind. Ask any parent – that’s just what they do at that age.

In another year or two, if you encounter a person like this again and your daughter asks you why that man is dressed like a woman, you might say something like,

“Well, you know how sometimes you think you’d like to be a dog or a fairy princess instead of a little girl so that’s what you pretend to be? Do you ever see Mommy doing that? No? That’s because when we grow up, the Bible tells us we’re to put childish ways behind us. We’re to be happy with the way God made us and do our best to love Him and serve Him as the person He created us to be.

It’s really sad, but sometimes a boy [or vice versa for a girl] who doesn’t know God will grow up and think he would rather be a lady than a man, kind of like you think you’d rather be a fairy princess or a dog than a little girl. But instead of acting like a grown up and asking God to help him be happy with the way He made him, the man will dress up like a lady and pretend to be a lady. Let’s take a moment to pray for him, that He will come to know Jesus and be happy that God made him a man.”

Additional Resources:

The Mailbag: What’s In a Name?

pride, pronouns & prodigals at A Word Fitly Spoken

My church is looking at getting our women’s ministry off the ground and I was asked to be on the team. Do you have any pointers for what works best for your women’s ministry? I definitely want the focus to be growing women in the Word, but I’m unsure how to go about structuring the meeting.

I’m going to give you some resources below that can help jump start your brainstorming, but first a few very simple suggestions:

Trust God and pray for wisdom and direction. God promises to give them to you if you ask, so why not take Him up on His offer?
Gather your ladies together (or create a survey and email it out) and ask them what sort of structure or class would be most helpful to them.
With their feedback in hand, talk things over with your pastor. He should be able to give you some guidance that’s tailor made for the ladies at your particular church.

Additional Resources:

Teach What Is Good: Discipling Younger Women in the 21st Century– Listen in to my teaching session from last year’s OHCW conference. In fact, you might find all of last year’s sessions to be helpful (you’ll find the links below the video).

Biblical Women’s Ministry- Part 1 at A Word Fitly Spoken

Practical Women’s Ministry Part 2

All Word and No Play: The Importance of Fun and Fellowship in the Doctrinally Sound Church

Guest Post: Building a Biblically Healthy Women’s Ministry (by a pastor, for pastors)

The small church I pastor in the process of launching a women’s ministry and I’m curious if there are any specific video studies led by women that you recommend. I hope to compose a menu of studies for them. Thanks for your assistance.

In case anyone is confused, this email is from a (male) pastor, not a woman pretending to be a pastor. Just wanted to clear that up, there. :0)

Brother pastor, my husband is a retired worship pastor, and God always had us at small churches too, so I not only sympathize with the challenges small churches face, but I also have a lot of experience with women’s ministry at small churches.

And still, I encourage women’s ministries (men’s ministries too, if that were my wheelhouse) not to use what I call “canned” studies (workbooks, videos, etc.) but to study and teach straight from the text of Scripture itself. That’s the primary reason why, on principle, I don’t make recommendations for any women’s Bible study materials other than the Bible itself. The second reason I don’t recommend “canned” studies is that, as you have probably discovered in your search, the overwhelming majority of women’s “Bible” studies are authored by false teachers and consist mainly of fluff and false doctrine. Even if I wanted to make recommendations, it would be nearly impossible.

What I would recommend instead is that you find at least one woman, and maybe up to five or six women, should your church be so blessed, who are spiritually mature and seem to have the gift of teaching, and begin training them to rightly handle and teach Scripture to other women, since this is the biblical instruction we’re given.

As they’re learning, you may wish to take them through or have them practice teaching some of the Bible studies I’ve written as “training wheels” to help them learn. My studies (all free) are designed to teach women how to study straight from the text of Scripture in a “learn by doing” way. Once they get the hang of it, they’ll never have to rely on anyone else’s materials again, even mine! Plus, they’ll eventually be able to teach other women how to teach the Bible. Here are some other resources I think will help:

Additional Resources:

Bible Studies

McBible Study and the Famine of God’s Word

4 Ways We’re Getting Women’s Discipleship Wrong, and How We Can Get it Right!

The Mailbag: Can you recommend a good Bible study for women/teens/kids?

The Mailbag: “We need to stop relying on canned studies,” doesn’t mean, “We need to rely on doctrinally sound canned studies.”.

Teach What Is Good: Discipling Younger Women in the 21st Century (Session 2 on video)

How to Study the Bible – and How Not To

Discernment, Mailbag

The Mailbag: Potpourri (Intend to offend?… Right Now Media… Jesus died for YOU?)

July 15, 2025July 14, 2025 Michelle Lesley

Welcome to another “potpourri” edition of The Mailbag, where I give short(er) answers to several questions rather than a long answer to one question.

Or maybe I answered your question already? Check out my article The Mailbag: Top 10 FAQs to see if your question has been answered and to get some helpful resources.

This reader’s question is in reference to my article In Defense of Offense: Why Christians Need to Stop Worrying About Offending People.

Would you say offending with the purpose to offend with the truth is the same as what you are saying? So should we ever purpose to offend when we speak the truth from the Bible?

Great question! (And let me take this opportunity to say to all of my readers and followers that if you’re ever unclear about something I’ve written or posted – especially if it seems unbiblical or out of character for me – please, please, please just ask me about it politely, like this reader did, and I will be happy to explain if I’m able. I would much rather you ask than attack me, jump to the wrong conclusion, or worse, assume I’ve apostatized. Genuine, polite questions are always welcome!)

Hon, when you say “purpose to offend,” I’m thinking of a person who gets out of bed in the morning with the primary goal of offending people, making them angry, or upsetting them, not with the primary goal of sharing the gospel or restoring someone from sin.

I’m not sure why a Christian would have the desire, goal, or motive of offending people, regardless of his reason for doing so. That goes against the grain of everything Scripture teaches us both about Christian character and the ineffectiveness of provoking people. The Bible says:

A brother offended is harder to win over than a strong city,
And contentions are like the bars of a citadel.
…if possible, so far as it depends on you, being at peace with all men…
Proverbs 18:19, Romans 12:18

Fathers are told not to provoke their children to anger. One of the qualifications for pastors and elders (which we’re to emulate) is that they not be pugnacious (i.e. “looking for a fight”), but peaceable and considerate. (If not, they’re disqualified from ministry.) We’re not to place a stumbling block or offense before anyone – saved or lost, in order to protect our ministry and so that people might be saved. You’ll recall that Paul devotes significant ink to the idea that if it would offend people for him to eat meat sacrificed to idols, he’ll never eat meat again. We’re told not to be quarrelsome, but kind, patient, and gentle in our teaching and correction so that people can be saved. Titus 3:2 reminds us “to slander no one, but to be peaceable, considerate, demonstrating all gentleness to all men”.

The Scriptures go on and on about this. We’re not only forbidden from trying to offend people, we’re instructed to bend over backwards trying not to offend people. The Bible is offensive enough all on its own. That’s more than enough offense for sinners to try to deal with without us making things harder and piling on personal offensiveness.

And that’s the whole point of my article. Not that we should intentionally be personally offensive in our demeanor, but that we shouldn’t refrain from kindly, yet firmly speaking the truth in love so that sinners might be saved, and saints might be sanctified, just because we’re afraid that biblical truth will offend them.

What do you think about churches using Right Now Media?

I drop in on the RNM website from time to time, and from what I can see, it’s almost all (if not all) false teachers.

Scripture is clear that churches shouldn’t support (financially or otherwise) false teachers, and certainly not those, like RNM, who profit from platforming them and spreading their false doctrine. In fact, if your pastor welcomes false teachers into the church – in person, through their books and materials, via video platforms like RNM, etc. – instead of rebuking them and their false doctrine, he is participating in their wickedness, he is disqualified from pastoral ministry, and he needs to be under church discipline.

Yeah, it’s that serious to God.

And from a stewardship point of view, even if there are a few doctrinally sound teachers sprinkled in at RNM, I don’t see how it could possibly be worth the monthly subscription price for whatever few good teachers they might* carry.

*Visiting the RNM site, I get the impression that they want your money before they give you access to the names of all the teachers they platform. I clicked on several pages, and the teachers they did disclose fell into two categories for me: people I know to be false teachers, and people I’ve never heard of. I didn’t see the name of anyone I know to be a doctrinally sound teacher.

Since it’s a subscription service, not a “pay for the specific video you’re using” kind of thing, there isn’t even the option for pastors to say something like, “We feel like this particular R.C. Sproul video is the best one available on the theology of shoelaces, but it’s only available from RNM. We are recommending ONLY this video at RNM. Avoid everything else.”. No, you’re either in (and paying for everything) or you’re out.

Because RNM is primarily a source of false doctrine and false teachers, and because your church’s offering money would be going to support that – in disobedience to the commands of Scripture – you should be very concerned if your church subscribes to RNM. I would recommend that you and/or your husband set up an appointment with the pastor to discuss it. There’s an underlying issue here in subscribing to RNM – either the pastor is not exercising proper oversight over whoever subscribed the church to RNM, or the pastor is not discerning or diligent enough to know that he’s unleashing false teachers on his sheep.

🚨FRIENDLY WARNING🙂: The following question is related to Calvinism/Reformed theology. Please be reminded that we do not do Calvinism vs. Arminianism arguments here, on any of my social media platforms, or via email. Argumentative comments and messages will be deleted. Please see my Statement of Faith tab in the blue menu bar at the top of this page if you have any questions.

My wife and I just finished watching the taped version of your talk [from the Resolute Conference on Answers TV] and we both agreed that it was extremely helpful! Thank you for pouring your time and effort into what was a clearly well-researched message.

Thank you so much. Yes, some of the teaching sessions (including mine) from Answers in Genesis’ Answers for Women 2025 Conference, Resolute, have been posted to Answers TV. I’m sure the rest will be posted soon, so if you have a subscription, you can watch! If you don’t have a subscription, give it some consideration! It’s only $4.99 a month or $39.99 a year, plus they offer a seven day free trial to get you started! If you’d like to watch my session on the New Apostolic Reformation (NAR), here’s the handout that goes along with it.

I do have one question, however. During your gospel presentation you specifically said that Christ died for “you” (i.e., the listener). But if you are saying that to an unregenerate person who has not been predestined to eternal life (according to the “U” in TULIP), how does that work with limited atonement (“The atonement for sin that Christ made on the cross applies only to those who are, or will, in the future be, saved”)?

Respectfully, how could you truthfully say that Christ died for “you,” if that person hasn’t been elected for life? Considering that you [are Reformed] your presentation of the gospel seems to be inconsistent with the doctrine of limited atonement.

I’d like to get your thoughts on this apparent discrepancy between the two. Thank you for your time and consideration!

You’re welcome. I’m glad to explain. I was speaking to about 3000 people that week (plus however many will watch the video, now), the vast majority of whom were already saved. So it is true for those people – Jesus did die for them.

When I gave the gospel presentation, I was addressing it to the elect in the audience – to those who would listen and believe the gospel, either right then, or later in life. (So it was true for them, too. Jesus died for them.) I was not speaking to those who would reject the gospel for the rest of their lives and spend an eternity in Hell – those who aren’t elect (if there were any like that in the audience), even though they could also hear me.

The thing is -and I know I’m not telling you anything new, here – you and I don’t know who’s elect and who’s not. That’s above our pay grade and none of our business. That’s God’s purview. The only way we can know for sure that someone is elect is after she gets genuinely saved and perseveres to the end. If she’s genuinely saved, that means she’s elect. But we can’t know before someone gets saved whether or not she’s elect, so, like the sower, we scatter the seed of the gospel with wild abandon, trusting God’s sovereignty as to what kind of soil it lands on and leaving everything after our gospel presentation up to Him.

I would also appeal to Scripture:

In Peter’s sermon in Acts 3, he’s preaching an evangelistic sermon and says -without knowing whether or not any of his audience is elect:

For you first, God raised up His Servant and sent Him to bless you by turning every one of you from your wicked ways.

Was everyone he was preaching to elect? Probably not.

In 1 Corinthians 15:1-4, Paul hearkens back to the gospel he proclaimed to these brothers when they were lost and says he told them that “Christ died for our sins”. At the time he originally said that, he had no way of knowing whether or not everyone he was preaching to would believe.

But all of that being said, I did read back through all of the sermons in Acts and some other evangelistic encounters in Scripture (and also discussed this on Sunday with one of our {unofficial} lay elders at church), and the general approach seemed to be: You’re a sinner, here’s what Jesus did so salvation and the forgiveness of sin could take place, repent, believe it, and be saved. The personal appeal was placed on the “you must repent and believe” part, not on the “Jesus died” part.

So, sure, I’ll tweak things and try to pattern my gospel presentation more in the style of the Apostles, not because of Calvinism as a framework, but because, as Christians – all Christians – we do always want to be as closely aligned with Scripture as we can get. So, thanks for bringing that to my attention. I appreciate the sharpening.

But I’m not going to quibble with anyone who says, “Jesus died for you,” when she shares the gospel accurately with someone. If the person she’s talking to gets saved, it’s true. If the person she’s talking to doesn’t get saved, she’s technically made a good faith, optimistic mistake while earnestly appealing to him to repent and believe the gospel, but she hasn’t sinned, it doesn’t matter to that person, and she hasn’t sent that person to Hell by saying so. And … you know … she’s sharing the gospel.