There are so many fun and joyful Christmas carols and songs we love to sing at this time of year …. and so many that drive us bonkers! The Top 10 Worst Christmas Songs of All Time (and volume 2!) has become an annual tradition here on the blog. But every year I get more and more suggestions of songs to add to the list. Who knew there were so many horrible holiday harmonies out there! By popular demand here it is – in no particular order – ten more of my top picks for worst Christmas songs of all time.
Click here for the playlist – if you can stand it!
1. All I Want for Christmas Is You – I don’t know what kind of deal Mariah Carey made with every single one of the eleventy two million FM stations in the country to play this song every time anyone turns her radio on between November and January, but it was a doozy. Are you hearing it in your sleep yet? Is your dog singing the doo-wop parts?
(Full disclosure – This one made the list because you overwhelmingly demanded it. I actually dig it. It’s exactly the kind of mid-’50’s – early ’60’s flavor I love. Just not every time I turn around. Please don’t hate me. :0)
2. Mary, Did You Know? – I know, I know, some of y’all are going to unfollow me over this one. You love this song. I did too … the first nine thousand times I heard it or had to sing it in choir. And I think that’s probably the main reason so many of my followers requested that I put this one on the list. It’s been beaten to death like a too-stiff meringue.
Did she know? Did she not know? Let’s settle that argument once and for all. Mary did know that she was going to give birth to the Messiah because the angel told her. She did not know all of the specific things He was going to do that are listed in the song (walking on water, healing the blind, etc.).
3. The Little Drummer Boy (Carol of the Drum) – You just know some man came up with the idea for this song, right? No mother in her right mind who’s just given birth – even Mary – would welcome some kid banging on a drum with the little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay. You would think that … but you would be wrong, because this song was written by one Katherine Kennicott Davis. I guess her kids were heavy sleepers.
(If you actually like drums, just not the song, check out this drumline version that partly drowns out the song. And, did you know they made a kids’ movie out of this cacophonous carol?)
4. Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town (the Bruce Springsteen version) – He sees you when you sing flat. He knows when you’re off key. He’s only leaving coal for you – naughty, naughty, naughty.
5. Do You Hear What I Hear? – Is the tail of the star as big as a kite, or as long as a kite’s tail? If the song had a voice as big as the sea, how could the shepherd boy help but hear it? In fact, how could he even hear the lamb asking him the question? And wouldn’t a talking lamb be more impressive than a song with the volume on high? How does a shepherd get an audience with the king? And why would he suggest silver and gold for a freezing baby instead of blankets or a nice snow suit? (Guess that’s why he’s a shepherd, not a king.)
I have questions.
6. The Cherry Tree Carol – This is called “writing under the influence,” kids. Mary’s a queen, Joseph’s got anger management issues, and Jesus speaks while in utero. Uh huh. Don’t tell me chemicals weren’t involved in that composition.
7. My Favorite Things – THIS IS NOT A CHRISTMAS SONG. You can put jingle bells behind it all the livelong day and it will still. never. be. a. Christmas. song. N-E-V-E-R. Only Julie Andrews is allowed to sing this song, and only in war-torn Austria. Did I mention it’s not a Christmas song? I said what I said.
8. Mary Was the First One to Carry the Gospel – Everything about this song is great but the hook. That is just 🤢.
This is why we can’t have nice things, fellow Southern gospel lovers.
9. The Most Inconvenient Christmas – Oh no. NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNO. Are you KIDDING me? These guys are professing Christians and they churn out this theological cataclysm? When something is “inconvenient,” that means it clashes with our previous plans, or it’s difficult to get done, or it doesn’t fit with our timetable, or we had to go out of our way to do it. And because of all that, it’s an unpleasant task that we’re reluctant to do.
Say it with me, sisters: NOTHING IS “INCONVENIENT” TO GOD. Nothing. He is the God who upholds the universe by the word of His power. He is omnipotent, omniscient, everlasting to everlasting, God Almighty, King of kings and Lord of lords who spoke all of Creation into existence. Sending His only Son into the world to live a perfect life and die a horrible, agonizing, bloody death for your sin and for mine was not “inconvenient” for God. It was His plan from eternity past. And it wasn’t difficult for Him. And He didn’t do it begrudgingly or reluctantly. He did it because He loves you that much, and He rightfully loves His own glory even more.
I’ve been an Oak Ridge Boys fan since I was a kid, but this is one of the most offensive songs I’ve ever heard. It impugns the very nature and character of God. It’s the Reckless Love of country Christmas music.
10. I Never Knew the Meaning of Christmas – I hate to break it to you guys, but you still don’t know the meaning of Christmas.
Dear Santa- Please bring these boys a Bible for Christmas.