Originally published December 9, 2013
Christmas always comes with some drama. Here’s the epic saga of my tree decorating of 2013…
Plugged in every strand of lights to make sure they were working before putting them on tree. Plugged in every individual strand of lights to make sure they were working after putting each on tree. Decorated tree. Plugged in tree. Everything fine for about 15 minutes. Entire tree goes out.
Went searching for problem strand. Determined it was one of two strands at bottom of tree. Figured out which one it was. Carefully disentangled said strand from branches and ornaments. Discovered kids had hung ornaments on light strand. Discovered that 10 year old, despite a lifetime of instruction, is still hanging multiple ornaments on a single branch like so many bunches of ripe cherries. Discovered it is much easier to take lights off a tree when there are no ornaments on it. Discovered a 44 year old spinal column ain’t what it used to be.
Plugged new strand of lights into end of previous working strand. No worky. Prayed. Contemplated tree with no lights on bottom branches. Imagined offspring in years of therapy due to improperly lit tree. Prayed again. Considered that this was probably the stupidest prayer God had ever heard. Replugged a different way. Worky. Restrung working strand of lights. Yay. Tree is now completely lit.
Stepped back and discovered side of tree -heretofore unnoticed- looked like a giant had taken a bite out of it (disproportionately short branches). Decided to rotate tree so “bald spot” would be in back. 20 degrees- bald spot still visible. 45 degrees- bald spot still visible. Tree protests being moved by dropping two large jingle bells on my head. 90 degrees- bald spot in back, but now all front ornaments are in back and back ornaments are in front. Also, all breakable ornaments are now dangling precariously over bare tile floor in back instead of over padded tree skirt in front. Some appear ready to commit ornament suicide any moment.
Redecorate approximately 40% of tree. Discover angel topper now at right face instead of facing front. Climb on hearth to rotate angel. Tree drops more jingle bells. Due to rotation, tree is now too close to couch. Perform origami on spinal column again and attempt to slide tree closer to fireplace. Foot of tree stand gets hung up on edge of a tile. Tree sways but stays in tact. Operation “Outsmart Christmas Tree” complete. Merry Christmas to me :0)